Things I didn't expect

Being a parent is not entirely how I expected but mostly in a good way.

I never thought I could love anyone as much as I love Evan. I could sit and look at him and cuddle him forever. The thought of being apart from him upsets me although I am determined not to become a clingy mother who never leaves her child. I never expected to enjoy breastfeeding or to be prepared to do it (discretely) in a public place - but believe me when you have a hungry baby you don't care! I didn't expect the dogs to be as brilliant as they are (the biggest relief I think). I didn't know how I would cope with being up in the night but its not too bad as it is only twice. I didn't know anything about colic and I wish I hadn't had to but that will pass. I thought I would feel worse about the way I look but so far I'm not too cut up. I have just over a stone to loose which I know is perfectly achievable. I am eating carefully and I know I need to get motivated and get on the Wii fit and get out for walks and stuff. I feel pretty back to normal in myself and I think I have almost stopped bleeding. Starting to even think about having sex again! Although when we'd have the chance I don't know! I do have awful leaking breasts which is one thing that is really bugging me and breast pads are rubbish! I really hope they will settle down soon but they haven't yet and Evan was 1 month yesterday. I can't believe that, the time has gone so fast. He is becoming more and more alert and a little person everyday its great.

This week has been my first week without S and it has been ok actually. I think it has done me good being on my own as I have had to go out and do things. Monday I braved Morrisons and did the food shopping then the health visitor came round. Tues I ended up taking Evan to the doctors as he had a rash but it wasn't anthing serious thankfully, then went through to Glasson Dock to see J&B for the afternoon which was ok. Weds my mum came down which was lovely. We went into Lancaster and had lunch in Cafe Nero. I really enjoyed being with her and Evan. Yesterday I went to see JB from work for teas and biscuits in the afternoon again which I thoroughly enjoyed. Not sure what I am doing today I should go for a walk but the weather looks quite dismal... Not sure what the plans for the weekend are as we don't have any money until we get paid next week. Last weekend was great, Evan did so well. As long as I fed him when he was due he slept in his buggy in Liverpool and then in his car seat when we went for the meal. He woke up crying when we had jus finished pudding so S and I left abit early and took him home. All in all I was very proud of him although I still found it hard to relax and my dad annoyed me abit in the way that he is with my sisters boyfriend. I feel like he is sort of picking on him alot of the time and J gets into big debates with him as he's not the kind of person to back down and it monopolises the conversation. I didn't get to speak to my dad hardly the whole evening as he was arguing/waffling onto J the whole time. God knows how he will be with J's mum and dad when they come to watch E's dancing show next week....I am going on my own as I didn't want to leave Evan with anyone and S isn't bothered about watching it. It just means I have to drive to Liverpool on my own again and somehow express a bottle or two for S to give Evan which could be interesting. But it is Mama Mia and E has a main part so theres no way I could miss it. Jxx

Colic ;-(

Evan has colic which is why he has been scrunching and crying all the time. He cries and screams on and off throughout the day and we can't comfort him. Its so hard to see him like that especially as we can't seem to make him feel better. We have been to the doctor who just said to leave him to cry and that he will grow out of it...at about 3 months! So we could have another 9 weeks of it. I felt so miserable when she said that as I don't know how we will cope. I don't want to be wishing away the first few months of his life. I want to enjoy it and my time off with him but its so hard to go anywhere with him in case he cries because he just won't stop. We went to Ikea in Warrington with S's mum and dad the other day and Evan got upset and just cried and cried. I had to feed him in the cafe there to try and soothe him but I felt so stressed out. S's mum was doing my head as well in trying to take over with him again. She really doesn't like the fact that I'm feeding him myself which means that she can't. We are going to Liverpool tomorrow to see my sister and then to Wales to go out for a meal for my dads birthday and I just don't know how Evan is going to be. We are giving him infacol drops but they take a while to build up in his systen, we're also bathing him right before we go to bed as it seems to calm him and he actually sleeps for a couple of hours and I've stopped having dairy in case that isn't helping. We just want to do anything we can to ease him until he grows out of it. Jxx

Up and down

I'm feeling abit all over the place at the moment. I am generally ok but everything seems alot of effort and I feel anxious alot of the time.

Evan is still fantastic. He is feeding well thankfully and has (as of today) regained his birth weight which means he is getting enough when I feed him despite me only feeding from one side. This hopefully means I can continue feeding him, I'm not entirely sure what I will do when someone else has to look after him whether I have enough to express from the one side as well but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Its not like I'm planning on leaving him much anyway. His only real problem seems to be when he is trying to poo he really gets worked up and cries and scrunches up. There isn't anything wrong with him though and he's not constipated, the health visitor just says some babies make a big thing out of it! Its just hard because we can't do anything to help him. I just tend to feed him when he's like that as it soothes him or cuddle him, its just hard when it happens in the night as it means I don't get much sleep.

I don't know why I feel so anxious. Every time I think about leaving the house on my own I start to feel stressed out and panicky. I think its because its such an effort to get Evan ready and then if we go anywhere and he starts crying/scrunching then I can't do anything to stop him and then I get stressed and upset. I need to do it though otherwise the longer I leave it the worse it will be. I'm having my hair done tomorrow so I'm supposed to be driving to the hairdressers in Lancaster with Evan and then J is meeting me there to look after him. I'm now regretting this decision as I went to Lancaster with J on Saturday and the experience reduced me to tears as she took the pram from me and wouldn't let me push him and then told me to go off and do things (go upstairs in shops, go on to other shops etc) whilst she looked after Evan. It was worse because Evan was crying because he was hungry so I was stressed that I couldn't feed him and then she's telling me to leave him with her. He's 2 weeks old for gods sake and he's my baby! I don't want to leave him I want to look after him. I actually wished I'd gone on my own. Then because she was driving I had to go back to Glasson Dock with her and wait there all afternoon til she brought us home. I only got Evan back cos he needed changing. I know she means well and just wants to spend time with her grandson but somehow she takes over in a way that no one else does and it makes me want to snatch him off her and shout "He's my baby, mine!". I am feeling sensitive at the moment generally so everything seems worse than it is. S tearing our room apart hasn't helped. It's so messy replastering and he knows how stressed I get when he's decorating anyway let alone when I have just had a baby! I keep cleaning up round him even though I know its pointless but it makes me feel abit better. I know its stupid but I can't relax when things are a mess. I am also annoyed that he hasn't really spent much time with us as I'm going to be on my own with Evan from next week onwards so I wanted to make the most of him being here. He is plastering the last wall at the moment so once he has done that and painted the ceiling he should stop as we can't do any more until we have some money to buy the wallpaper.

So I am having my hair done tomorrow at a different place so god knows what it will be like. I have spent the rest of my birthday money online as I couldn't face the shops again. I've ordered from a new place so not sure what things will be like or if I've ordered the right size. I've gone for a 12 as thats what I'm wearing at the moment. My stomach hasn't gone down completely but I don't know if it will or if I have to exercise! I have about a stone and a quarter to loose which I need to get on with. I have awful stretchmarks on my legs which I am sad about. Going to have to get some of that bio oil stuff although I am sceptical. I guess my legs were never my best feature anyway. Jxx