Good news

I'm now finishing work on Monday which I am really pleased about. It gives me time to make sure the Coles accounts are done and that Je is ok with everything else (which I am sure she is) and then I am out of here! Not entirely sure what I am going to do with myself at home but still its better than being here trying to think of things to look at online.

In other good news we have been accepted for the maternity break on our mortgage so we can now make firm plans to get the rest of the house finished, pay back J etc etc. Barclays also seem to finally be sorting out the loan fiasco (after the financial ombudsman got involved) so that should be another worry off our/my mind. We don't seem to have much actual money at the moment mainly because we have bought all the baby stuff upfront, paid for the car tax, insurance etc but atleast it is all done now and we won't have to pay out again til next year so we will make the money back over the next months especially now we aren't paying the mortgage after Feb.

I am starting to get a little worried about labour. I haven't really been thinking about it much to be honest, partly because its unavoidable and partly because I don't want to worry myself, but last night I couldn't sleep for thinking about it and how close it is now. I know I don't have any choice and it will be painful but women do it every day and it will be ok/not last forever. I still can't believe I'm going to go through it really. I know I have been counting down to him being born since I have been pregnant but it still does not seem real. I think its because I don't know what to expect, I am just focussing on not actually being pregnant any more rather than what happens when you aren't pregnant ie you give birth and have a baby! You don't just go back to how you were before. I can't imagine not working and being at home with a baby. I can't imagine what I am going to do and how I am going to cope on my own. I hate change and uncertainty and this is possibly the biggest change I/we will ever go through. I keep saying I want to get on with it and I want to give birth and meet him but do I want it to hurry up?! I mean of course I want to meet him but ahh I just want to fast forward to him being about a month old and hopefully me feeling more normal again? Jxx

Pushed out

I feel so pushed out and useless at work. I do not need to be here as there is nothing for me to do and its making me miserable just sat here watching the clock. The girl who is covering for me has picked pretty much everything up already and only needs to ask me something every few hours so I am just sitting here being ignored by everyone and watching her do my job. I wish she had started next week instead at least I would have had things to keep me busy this week. We really do not need a two week handover period by yesterday she was doing it all herself so I am redundant and uneccessary. I really want to leave at the end of this week I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do all next week and it is making me feel down just by being here. I don't care about loosing a weeks wage I just want to go. J is ignoring the issue by telling me to relax and making out like she's doing me a favour by having me sit here doing nothing! How am I suposed to relax? No one is talking to me its not like its a fun place to sit and while away the day. I can't do anything so I am just sat here waiting and waiting. Admittedly I don't know what I would do at home but atleast I wouldn't be here on ceremony having to look like I'm doing something.

I am so sick of waiting and I may still have 5 weeks left. I want my baby now, I just want to get on with it. I am sick of living in limbo and feeling sad and frustrated. I know he is most likely to be overdue as first baby's aren't early and I have no signs bla bla bla. I just don't know how much more I can take of this ;-( Jxx

Banks and money

I am so so mad at Barclays at the moment. They are still sending letters saying that S owes them money on his loan (that was paid off in August 2006) they have now sent a third arrears letter and if they send another one it will be a default. He has phoned them about 10 times and every time they say they can see what the problem is and that they will deal with it and they never do. He has a complaint in the system which they say they are dealing with but yet they are still sending letters. I was so sick and upset with it all last night I was in tears. We don't owe them any money yet they think its ok to hassle us and worry us. The financial situation in the UK is so uncertain at the moment we do not need things like this messing up his otherwise perfect credit record. I am so frustrated with them not doing anything that they say they will. I have told S to ring the financial ombudsman today and I am going into Barclays in town tomorrow to speak to someone in person. The trouble is they won't speak to me about it as it isn't in my name and S is too soft with them. If this had happened to me I would have been on the phone every week and gone into the branch weeks ago but S doesn't like confrontation or talking on the phone so he only does it when I push him and even then I don't think he is firm enough. Atleast if we go in I can stand there and look very pregnant and upset and hopefully add some weight to what he is saying.

In other Bank news I rang Northern Rock before as I was worried the Barclays fiasco might somehow effect our mortgage as we wanted to apply for a payment holiday in March. They were lovely and said that everything was fine and that we were actually eligible for a maternity break in the mortgage payments whilst I am off. I have faxed over the relevant documentation so I am just waiting to see now if it goes through. If it does it would be a fantastic help as we can pay J&B back straight away for the car money and not have to worry so much when I am off.

Not much else to report. Had my 36 week midwife appointment today, I was there about 5 minutes! My blood pressure is fine and I am measuring fine for my dates (she even said I hadn't put any weight on my stomach which was very nice of her - pity its all on my legs and bum!) Evan's heartbeat is fine, he is still head down in the right position and although not engaged his head is apparantly just above my pelvic bone so heading the right way. I will see her again in 2 weeks time. Glad everything is ok with him, I am finding it harder to sleep now and have been getting on and off period type pains which may or may not be Braxton Hicks contractions (I have absolutely no idea what they are meant to feel like!) I am definitely not expecting to have him in the next few weeks I think I will definitely go to my due date although I would really like not to go beyond it! Jxx

I'm alive!

Well I made it to Liverpool and back last night in one piece although at times it was very scary.

I would have been fine however thanks to the Liverpool derby when I got onto the M62 it was nose to tail traffic. I realised I wouldn't make it to my sisters in time so I had to change my plans and go straight to the echo. Que me trying to ring my sister for the postcode, then enter it in the sat nav whilst following signs for the docks. I ended up on the M57 but that was worrying me as I was heading for Southport so I wanted to come off but then I panicked and didn't trust the sat nav and missed the exit it was telling me so I took the next one. Then the sat nav didn't recognise where I was as it was a new road and was telling me to turn left when I couldn't. I was ringing my sister almost in tears but my battery was going flat so the phone wouldn't connect to the handsfree so I had it balanced on my lap on speaker phone. She told me to follow signs for the docks which I did and then the sat nav seemed to pick up where I was going. I ended up getting to the Echo at 7:35 not before nearly going into the back of a taxi as I was too busy concentrating on the sat nav and then dropping my phone in the passenger footwell which meant I couldn't reach it when it rang. I then had to park in a massive multistory carpark which was almost full and very tight to drive in before I finally met up with my mum and sister. We got to our seats just as the show started. The show itself was great and we had really good seats. I enjoyed it alot more than I expect to and would definitely go again. After the show my sister came back with me as I needed fuel and she was going to come with me to a garage near her house then I dropped her off and got on the motorway. This was all fine apart from the fact that we were stuck geting out of the car park for 30 minutes as we were on the top floor and everyone else was trying to leave at the same time so it was 12:40am by the time I finally got home. The journey home was lovely and quiet and straightforward which I was extremely grateful for.

So I am tired today and I just want a shower and bed but I'm really glad we did it as my mum had a great time and it was such a surprise for her. The weekend was good as well even though I am very glad that I don't have anything else planned now and I can try and take it easy until Evan is here. The bridesmaid dress fitting was actually really pleasant apart from having to be measured in my underwear by this poor woman! I'm sure she didn't really want to look at me in my pregnant state but as the dresses take 4 months to come and there are only 6 months til the wedding then they need to get some idea of size and to get them ordered and they can be adjusted properly once they are here. After I got back from that we took the dogs to the kennels and then I drove to Wales. That night we went for a meal at Davincis and then my mum had a few friends from church round. I really enjoyed seeing the people who came round as they were all people who had known me for years and who I hardly see except if I go to church with my mum. Everyone had some drinks and we ate the birthday cake S and I made (which turned out fine!) people stayed til about 11:30 and my mum seemed to have really good time which was the most important thing.

Not much else to say really, got a midwife appointment on Friday morning where I'm hoping she might go through my birthplan since no one has asked me about it yet! Apart from that I am just getting on with things at work and wishing Evan would hurry up! I haven't even had any Braxton hicks and he hasn't dropped down into position yet so I'm pretty sure I'll be waiting a while though. Jxx

Feeling unsociable and fed up

I feel like I can't be bothered with anyone at the moment, I don't want to talk to people or be nice to people I just want to hide. I hate the way I look, I feel so fat and ugly, none of my clothes fit me, my face is a mess my hair is a mess. I just want to stay at home and not have to speak to or see anyone until after I have given birth (preferably about a month after when I might feel vaguely normal again) I have had lots of social things to do in the past few weeks what with Christmas and birthdays and stuff and with each thing I have felt more and more rubbish about myself.

This weekend I have to go to a bridesmaid dress fitting tomorrow (when I can't even try on the dress) and be super enthusiastic about F&A's wedding which (although I am really pleased for them) is the last thing on my mind at the moment. Then we have to put the dogs in kennels and drive to Wales for a meal for my mum's 60th then after that they are having people back to the house about 9:30pm so more people to talk to. Monday night I have to drive to Liverpool on my own to got to my sisters to go and see Strictly Come Dancing for my mum's 60th which I hope she likes but I am dreading. Not because I don't want to see it but because I am scared to drive on my own on the motorway especially when I don't know the way and also because I will be so tired as I have to go straight from work and probably will not get home before midnight.

I feel miserable and anxious at the moment and I am struggling to put a happy, brave face on and be cheerful/sociable with people when I just want them to leave me alone. I feel sick in the evenings now, I keep getting pains and I feel tired alot of the time. I wish I could just go and hibernate for the next 5 weeks. Jxx

So so tired

I am absolutely shattered at the moment. All I want to do is sit at home in my pjamas and not see anybody. I have no energy or inclanation to do anything, I look dreadful I am massive and none of my clothes fit me properly. I feel like even when I make an effort I still look a state. Pregnancy does not suit me at all, my hair is scratty and I hate it but I don't know what to do with it to make it better oh and my skin is still pretty awful. I have got some stretchmarks on my bum and legs which I am sad about as I had thought I had avoided getting any. I am grateful that they are not on my stomach (yet) though. I know I only have 5 weeks left (as long as I don't go overdue that is!) and really it is not long at all plus I am going to be in pain and tired and stuff afterward I have given birth so maybe I shouldn't moan too much. I am just looking forward to a few months down the line hopefully being more like myself again.

Anyway, good news! We have sold the van and got a car! Totally unexpectedly to be honest but it is a big relief as we were cutting it quite fine with Evan's due date imminent. S saw this Vauxhall Vectra (2003 reg, 82000 miles, diesel, dark blue, 5 door hatch) for sale at a garage on White Lund on Thursday and we went to have a quick look at it that night. There was a mobile number on the garage so he rang it just to see if anyone answered even though it was out of hours and the bloke who answered said that they would except a van in part ex and offered to come down and let us have a test drive. The car was fine and fulfilled all our criteria so we told the man we were interested but it depended on what they would give us for our van. He offered us 2 grand for the van meaning we only needed to make up £400 for the car so we snapped his hand off. Admitedly the van was probably worth abit more than 2k but it saved us the hassle of going through the autotrader and trying to sell it plus you never know with this climate even if we would sell it, the garage have now got it up for sale at £2800 but never mind! We left him a £50 deposit as we were away at the weekend for my sisters 21st so we went back on the sunday and paid the remaining £350. We have had to borrow the £350 from S's mum as we had no savings left apart from what we need to cover my maternity leave and they didn't accept credit cards however I am going to sort out someway of repaying her monthly as we are not going to do a D&P. We got the tax and insurance sorted yesterday (it is even cheaper for insurance than the van which was a nice surprise) so I had my first drive of it last night. It is really nice to drive, much smoother than the van, however I am not looking forward to parking it at all. It is shorter than the van but wider and parking has never been my strong point! I hope in time I will get used to it and get more confident. I am driving home from work on my own in it tonight so fingers crossed that will be okay.

Weekend was pretty busy with going to Liverpool for my sisters 21st. We left work at half 4 to dash home, take the dogs to the kennels and head to Liverpool. I was feeling very stressed and rushed as I did not have time to get ready properly and felt a mess, plus I felt anxious to be leaving the dogs (I feel worse every time we put them in kennels, I don't know why) We got to Liverpool okay but then we could not find where we were suposed to park as the stupid sat nav tried to take us up a buses only street. We ended up ringing my sister who managed to give us reasonable directions and then by chance we ended up on the right street after driving round for 40 minutes. We had to carry the banner I had made for her and her presents to Yates with about 15 minutes to spare to help my mum and dad finished decorating the room (which did look lovely) The party was good although the room we were in was too cold! And we were starving waiting for the buffet to open as we hadn't had time to get any tea. The food was nice though and the cake was amazing! All in all E had a good night which was the most important thing. M and D, S and I left at 12 after packing everything up whilst E and her friends went on to Walkabout. To be honest I was tired and glad to go home by then. I was driving the van back to my mums but I just followed her home so it was fairly easy. F&A drove to Liverpool to come for a few hours which I thought was really good of them. Saturday S and my dad went to Wickes and Argos to have a look round and my mum and I went to Asda. Their Asda has a really good clothing department which I will definitely have a look in when I am not pregnant! My mum also bought me a cute little outfit for Evan. Saturday afternoon my sister and her boyfriend came down from Liverpool as we were all going out for tea for her birthday. We went to Piccolinos in Chester which was nice but abit overpriced. I drove home again so S could have a drink. We ended up going to bed when we got back as we were both tired and had to get up early to drive back to get the dogs before 12. I was going to drive back but as we needed to get back quickly S did. I am going to drive to my mums and back this weekend instead as I need the practice in the new car as I have to drive to Liverpool on my own next Monday night as we are taking my mum to see Strictly Come Dancing for her 60th. I am dreading the journey to be honest as I have never been on the motorway on my own. I know I need to be positive about it and to take my rescue remedy as they do help. I have to get more confident with this as I will want to go and see my mum and dad and sister when I am off so I just need to keep doing it and to get more experience until I feel better.

This weekend we are going to Wales again on the Saturday for a meal for my mum's 60th, so the poor dogs will be in kennels again. This is the last time though and it is only one night so I supose its not too bad. Saturday morning I am going to see the bridesmaids dresses we are wearing for F&A's wedding with F and E. I am picking them up and driving which could be fun! I am sad that I can't try my dress on or anything but it will be nice to see them and then I can arrange to go back once I have given birth (and lost some weight!) Tonight we have our last antenatal class which always makes me sleepy! However I do think they are important and it is the last one. I can't believe they have finished already, I remember getting the letter saying when they would be and it seeming ages away. I still can't reconcile in my head that in 7 weeks (maximum) I will have a baby! We have almost everything ready (just got to order the cot when a cheque clears) my hospital bags are packed, yet it all seems so surreal. I am excited and looking forward to it I guess I still can't believe that we are going to be parents. I hope I don't go overdue as I would like him to be here sooner rather than later but at least I know the end is most definitely in sight.

Not much else to add really except that I have tonnes of work to catch up on still so I should get on with it (only 18 working days left.....) Jxx

Happy 2009!

So its a new year! Apologies for the lack of posting over Christmas, our computer at home is so slow I don't really use it and to be honest I didn't feel much like posting. I'll just do a brief roundup as I don't want to go on and on.

Christmas overall was good, although I seemed to lose some of the festive spirit right before we broke up from work mainly I think because I was stressed out. The work Xmas do was ok although I should have just gone for the meal as I was bored at the bowling but I was home by half five which wasn't too bad. S stayed out til half 12 which I supose wasn't too late and I picked him up from Lancaster, drunk but not overally so (him not me obviously!) I was so bored without him, me and the dogs just sat in bed watching Scrooged waiting for him to come home. The next day was Christmas eve so we took the dogs to the kennels in the morning where I felt so sad to leave them (they were fine but I felt dreadful) after that we set off to Wales with me driving! My first time on the motorway! To be fair it went fine although I found it quite scary and had to have my rescue remedy pastiles and S talking me through over taking. But the roads were quiet and the weather was good and I know the journey well so it was a good time to start. We got to my mums and sat about chatting mainly until we went out for tea to the Slug and Lettuce in Chester which was nice although I felt very conspicuous and whale like. That night E, Mum and I went to Midnight Mass and the men stayed at home drinking as usual! Church was lovely and festive, I am always glad I go even though I don't specifically believe in it. I think I would like to go to a Carol concert next year as well as I think that is the best bit!

Christmas day was lovely, we didn't get up too early and had a leisurely breakfast and then opened our stockings. We managed not to open any presents until after lunch which filled the day nicely. I got everything I had wanted, earrings from S, a camera from my sister, pj's, slippers, a bag and lots of bits from my mum and dad. That evening my sisters new boyfriend J came round and we had some games on the Wii which was a great laugh and even M&D had a go! Boxing day we got up and had breakfast and left to go to J&B's as we were going there for lunch. We had a quiet afternoon with them and popped up to see Auntie C as it was her birthday. That night we had D round as him and P had had a major falling out again and she had refused to go to J&B's for Christmas day, told him to shove the present (J had got him to give her) up his arse and left him stuck in Heysham on his own! All of the family are so sick of her and her selfish spoilt ways. She is horrible to D all the time and hardly speaks to him. She has got rid of all her half decent friends as they were concerned about her and now only bothers with people who she can get something from ie the drug dealers next door and her rich friend. I wish D would just leave her, he isn't happy yet he can't be bothered with the hassle so he just puts up with it and her taking the piss out of him and J&B by them paying the bills and her spending her money on coke and shopping. It makes me so cross!

The rest of the week we just did bits and bobs. S worked on the house as he has plasterboarded the top of the stairs and fitted a radiator to make it warmer, we picked the dogs up (who were fine) and took them playing on the beach and for walks. We went to Preston so I could get part of my sisters birthday present (some benefit make up from Debenhams) and I got 2 jumpers in Primark. Evan's chest of drawers came from Argos so I have put all of his clothes and stuff in it and tidied his room up which looks much better now and as if there is actually going to be a little boy coming to live in it instead of a dumping ground for all our stuff!

New Year we went for a meal at an italian in town with F&A which was a great idea and a sweet little place (we hadn't been before) we then met D (as P had told him she was leaving and buggered off with a suitcase), A's friend R and D's work mate S and his wife H in the Litten Tree. It was a random collective of people and if we had planned to put those people together I would have said that it wouldn't have worked but somehow it did. We went to the Friary which I hated as the music was loud and everyone was dressed up which made me feel so big and fat and pregnant but then we went to Moods which is a sweet little pub where we could have a conversation and I felt comfortable again. MS joined us as we went to Moods so it was nice to see him as well. We left at half 11 and managed to get home just in time for midnight so we watched the bells and fireworks on the tv. It was a fairly cheap night as the meal cost us £30 then we only spent about £15 on drinks as I was on oj obviously and I drove so we didn't have to fork out horrendous taxi prices. It was such a cold night though, we had snow as we were leaving the house to go out. It was so cold we didn't feel we could leave the boys outside so we left them on the landing (by the new radiator) and thankfully when we got back they hadn't broken into any of the rooms or been to the toilet so that was a relief!

On the Friday we went back down to Wales so S could do some final alterations to the heating and I went to Chester shopping with my mum and E. We had such a good time it was lovely even though my feet hurt by the end! It is so rare that the three of us do something together as E always used to moan that she didn't like it as she felt pushed out and would always be funny with me when mum was there. The change in E over the past few months is amazing. She is so much more like she used to be, she is thoughtful and funny and we talk and text all the time. She is much easier to be around and seems to be so much happier and less tense and stressed. She doesn't take things so personally and isn't prickly like she used to be. The counselling has helped her so so much although she has worked so hard herself, its like the pieces finally came together for her. So much so that she has even started to eat meat again (this was the final sticking point between her and her counsellor as the reason she gave up meat in the first place was to restrict her diet and not for any other reason) It is the final big step for her and she has done it of her own accord and I am so proud of her. She seems really happy with her new boyfriend too and he seems like her type (abit spice boyish, sporty, confident) I really hope 2009 is her year. We have her party for her 21st on Friday and I am looking forward to it I hope it is the event she deserves. My mum also very kindly bought me a pretty blue maternity top to wear to it so fingers crossed I don't look too awful and whale like!

The only thing that seemed to spoil the time off for me was that alot of the time I felt very anxious and down. I could not work out why I felt like I did, I think it was mainly hormonal as my skin was dreadful too, but I think I cried nearly every day. I just felt like I couldn't get excited about anything, that things were pointless. Everything was worrying me, mainly money (Barclays have done something weird and think we owe them some money on a loan we paid off 2 years ago, every time S speaks to them they say they can see what has happened and we don't owe them but yet they still keep sending letters saying we do) but the other thing worrying me was work. I was dreading coming back from the moment we finished as I just felt that it was going to be awful, that people would be complaining and that I would have to deal with it all. I spent the entire holiday wishing time away so I could come back to work and get it over with which was horrible. To be honest I am finding work too much in general, I shouldn't feel like that. It isn't my business and I just can't deal with the pressure any more. I feel so unsupported as I know if I don't deal with things J&D won't as their way of dealing with them is to ignore them. I absolutely cannot wait to leave and to be honest even though I have to come back afterwards for abit I think I am going to try and find another job. They have said to me that realistically they cannot pay me any more and thats fair enough but I'm not staying here for the rest of my life so we shall see. I would really like to only work 3 days if I am honest so I need a job that would let me do that.... Anyway work actually wasn't too awful yesterday as it seemed my prayers had been answered and there were no warranty issues over Christmas and no irrate messsages on the answer phone. It was such a relief to get back and deal with it all I felt alot better by yesterday lunch time however the one thing that really annoyed me is that J has hurt her back so she didn't come in until half ten - when she knew all the shit (if there had been any) was over. It made me so cross she clearly didn't want to face it any more than I did yet it is her bloody business she is the one reaping the rewards and buying a new jag and maybe a new house and I am the one stressed out, 8 months pregnant, trying to keep customers happy. It was a good job there wasn't anything awful to deal with as I would have been in tears. She isn't in today as her back is still bad and whilst I believe her that her back is bad it is just not a surprise. Also the girl who was supposed to be covering my job has got a permanent job so now they need to find someone else quickly. Oh well really not my problem!

On the baby front everything is fine. I am measuring spot on for my dates so it looks like Evan may be born on his due date. I have been hoping that he might be a little bit early as that would be nice but I think he will probably be on time/late. He had got his head down at my last midwife appointment so he is in the right place which is nice to know although it means his feet are under my right ribs which hurt when he moves. He is not kicking so much but when he moves its really strong and if you touch my bump you can feel him. I am so glad he is going to be here soon I can't wait to meet him and I am so through with being pregnant! I'm not even thinking about labour, it will be what it is and I need to go through it to meet Evan and to get back to being me so thats what I have to focus on.

I think thats everything for the moment so I will get on with some work for now ;-) Jxx