Don't feel like saying much

I don't know whats wrong with me at the moment but I don't feel sociable at all. I just want to hide away at home and be left alone. I don't feel like I have any time to myself to get done the things I need to. I know I should be grateful that I've got things planned and people who want to see me but at the moment I'm finding it all abit much. Got a hectic Friday as my sister is picking me up from work then we have about an hour to dash home get changed have tea and get to F's house as we are going to Manchester to see Cascada. We probably won't get back til atleast midnight and I have to get up at half 7 as I have a driving lesson at 8. After that my sister and I will probably go into Lancaster to have a look round and get some lunch then we will have to walk the dogs when I get back. Sunday S and I need to wash the van and take pictures of it so that we can get it on autotrader and get it sold, plus I have tonnes of housework to get on with.

I also need to find some ways to make some money as somehow I have miscalculated and we have a shortfall which I need to make up asap. My dad didn't give S as much as we had expected for doing the boiler which hasn't helped and then we need to buy some more paint for Evan's room, the bathroom and the woodwork as well as everything for Christmas and to live off. I am going to see if I can sell some of my old uni books on amazon maybe.

Weekend was ok, we weren't at home at all so I haven't been able to get anything done although it was lovely to see my mum and dad. S worked very hard all weekend in order to get their new heating system finished. I felt so sad to be leaving my mum I nearly cried on the way home. I am so emotional and panicky lately, its as if I can't cope with life. I am trying to be positive but some days I am struggling. Jxx

Positive attitude

I'm trying to be more positive about things as it isn't doing me or anyone else any good being upset and negative all the time. It is up to me to get myself out of this bad mood/negative state of mind and be happier for myself and for our baby.

I have decided that there is no point worrying myself stupid over my driving test I just have to do my best and to try and be positive about it. Instead of thinking I only have so many weeks left I need to think that in so many weeks I should be able to drive and even if I do fail I will just have to keep taking it until I pass and so what if it takes me 20 times (apart from the cost) I don't have to tell people as long as I am a safe driver then that is what matters.

I am trying to get organized for Christmas early as that always stresses me out and really I love Christmas I just need to get better prepared for it. I have made lists of things to buy and make and I am reading all the Christmas forums which are making me feel happy and festive already.

I dyed my hair last night as I was sick of it being about 3 different colours. It is a darkish brown but I only left it on 20 minutes instead of half an hour so it isn't too dark and I do like the colour. I think I suit either dark hair or blonde hair but not my natural colour. As I can't do my hair blonde at home and my roots show too quickly it is cheaper and easier for me to have dark hair as atleast I can do it myself so until I am rich I think it will stay darker!

We are going to my mums again tomorrow for S to finish off the boiler. We are taking the dogs to the kennels for half 8 and then going after that. The dogs have been better recently or atleast we have been managing the conflicts better (I think) The other night they began to fight over an old nail that Bailey was chewing and Bailey had his spray collar on so I pressed the button and it sprayed both of them and stopped them which is good. We leave the collar on Bailey all the time when he is in the house as not only does it stop him doing things he shouldn't it also gets Arnie if he is up in Bailey's face. I have also discovered that Arnie doesn't like rolled up magazines so I point one at him or give him a light tap with it when he is getting upperty! They are lovely so much of the time it is just about getting Bailey better trained and not letting Arnie be a bully. I have got them some expensive dog food as it has a lower protein content which was recommended by our dog trainer as it might help them to be less hyper. I need to make an appointment for us to see her again but with being ill and going away I haven't been able to yet.

My cold is almost gone thankfully, S is a couple of days behind and the boys have been coughing a little too although they also seem better in themselves. S has put new doors on the lounge and bathroom now with knobs which the dogs actually can't open which is brilliant. The doors still need painting but they are on and ready for us to do when we have got some money for some more paint. Hopefully S has wound down all the work he is doing now once my dad's boiler is done as we need to focus on dog training and him getting revising for his plumbing exams as the sooner he takes them the sooner he can get qualified and get a better wage yey! He deserves it, he works so hard all the time. I am so proud of him and his attitiude/work ethic.

My sister has split up with O. She rang me the other day for a chat and it turns out that she hadn't done anything with him apart from kiss and he was getting frustrated with the situation (understandably I guess) however the way he went about it and some of the things he said were uncalled for and hurtful. My sister thought about the situation and came to the conclusion that unfortunately she just didn't see him in that way and the thought of doing things with him made her feel uncomfortable. Plus the fact that she is in counselling at the moment and is still working through a lot of difficult issues and really isn't in the position to be committing fully to a relationship. I am sad as he has been really good for her but it is something you can't compromise on and one of them would always been doing something they didn't want to do so they are better apart. My sister has got such a wise head on her shoulders when it comes to relationships bless her if something isn't right she deals with it and moves on. It has taken me until now to get to a similar place! Jxx

Anxious all the time

I don't know whats wrong with me at the moment but I feel anxious and panciky all the time. I keep worrying about stupid things that probably aren't even likely to happen. I'm starting to feel the way I did when I was at uni when I would get so panicky I didn't even want to leave the house. Some days I'd walk to the bus stop and then be unable to get on the bus. Some days I'd get on the bus, go all the way to uni and then be unable to go in. I used to sit on the bus feeling sicker and sicker and more and more nervous constantly fighting the urge to jump off and run home. Its amazing I did so well at uni given the amount of time I actually went to my lectures etc! I used to feel the same going to work as well. Its as if I can't cope with life and I just want to be at home safe in my house with S and the dogs. I used to think it was because I spent a lot of time alone at home or at uni and also I thought alot to do with taking drugs but now I am hardly ever alone and I haven't taken drugs for years so why am I feeling like this? Is it just hormones or something else? I feel like I am afraid of life, of the future, of problems that I can't deal with.

I don't want to take my driving test again. I don't feel that I will ever be good enough even though my instructor says most of my problems are from my lack of confidence and how I put myself down for every mistake I make and never praise myself when I do well. She says I need to believe in myself and stop thinking negatively and about all the tests I have failed before as I am with her now and it is different. I know I have improved alot since I have been with her and even I can see that but I just can't seem to believe in myself.

I am worried about how I will cope alone at home with the baby. I am worried about how I will cope with a baby full stop. I am worried in case there is something wrong with him. I am worried about labour and a million other things to do with having our son.

I am worried about the dogs misbehaving and being too hard for me to walk together/deal with as well as a baby. Arnie still gets angry with Bailey at times and although Bailey usually walks away from him, instead of letting it go Arnie follows him so then we have to intervene and tell Arnie to leave it. I know dogs don't remember the past and just because this has been a precurser to a fight doesn't mean that it will be again (and I know the key is not to be nervous when they do that but to be strong packleader) but I find it so hard as I know what he (they) are capable of. When Arnie gets that look it makes me feel sick but I have to put that aside and go in strong and take control of the situation which I have been doing but I am finding it difficult and as if I can't drop my guard for a second. I don't know whats best to do about them. We have changed the lounge door to a door with a knob to stop them opening it and we are putting them out at meal times as its too stressful a situation to have them near us. If the worst comes to the worst then they may have to go outside durring the day when I am at home with the baby and I will just take them out for walks and put them back outside if I can't cope, its what they are used to but I obviously wanted them to be able to be in the house with me whilst I am there as it is nicer for them. I will be walking them more/for longer as well as will be at home and need the exercise which I hope will help improve their behaviour.

I have bought some new combat pants and 2 pairs of skinny jeans from New Look as I can no longer get into my work trousers or my black or blue jeans. They weren't expensive and I did need them plus they are a size 12 so hopefully I will still be able to wear them once I have had the baby rather than buying maternity stuff which I may never wear again. I had hoped they would make me feel better but I am still so unhappy with how I look. I just feel like a short fat blob. I went to Blackpool on Saturday night for F's birthday ( S didn't go as he felt rubbish with a cold) and everyone else was wearing nice attractive fancy dress costumes and I just looked awful. The pictures are on facebook and I look such a state. I have a double chin and my hair is a mess and I'm about 3 inches smaller than everyone else. What is wrong with me why am I so ugly? I hate having short hair why won't it grow? I thought your hair was supposed to grow during pregnancy? I'm thinking about having blonde highlights put in it again maybe but I can't afford it (or anything at the moment) and I don't want it cutting so I guess I should wait abit. Plus I don't have the time at the moment as I am busy this weekend (back to Wales) and next weekend E is coming down as we are going to see Cascada and then its November already (shit). Next thing I will be having to think about Christmas....just what I need. Jxx

Dying

I'm not obviously but I feel like utter rubbish. My nose is blocked, my throat hurts, I've got that pain in my ribs again and I keep having wind and bringing up food. Nice. I spent all of yesterday evening lying on the sofa under a duvet sewing and watching tv with the dogs. Tonight I have to bake Fi's birthday cookies and then I will be doing more of the same. I have a really busy Saturday this weekend and i have no idea how I'm going to cope with it all. Jxx

I feel....

Sad, because:
I have a cold, a sore throat and a cough.
I have developed acid reflux so from about 11am everyday I am constantly bringing up acid and whatever I eat which is horrible and makes me feel sick as well as being unpleasant for anyone near me.
I feel fat and unattractive.
I have bad skin all the time.
I have to dress in fancy dress on Saturday night and I just look silly.
I have 15 more weeks left in work and that seems ages.
Evan doesn't seem to move about very much and I worry about him plus I would like S to be able to feel him kicking and at the moment he can't.
My mum didn't seem very happy at the weekend and I wish that my dad made her happier/wasn't such hard work for her.

Happy, because:
We are taking S's mum out for a meal for her birthday on Friday to the Fenwick.
I will see all my friends on Saturday and they are lovely.
We are not too badly off for money at the moment.
The dogs have been much better behaved and we have been correcting Arnie when he growls unneccessarily and correcting Bailey with the spray collar when he is naughty.
I love my furry boys so much.
I love my husband and he loves me even if he doesn't always show it

Jxx

Sick, sick, sick of work

I hate work at the moment. I really do not want to be here. I'm sick of having all this repsonsibility yet not being appreciated for it. I'm sick of worrying about a business that isn't even mine. Trying to keep things organized, trying to keep customers happy when the actual owners of the business don't even bother. I don't know why I do it, what thanks do I get? Its not my company why do I care so much? I know I need to become less personally involved and to step back abit. I've taken on too much and then I get frustrated when others just mess about and leave everything up to me. A job should be a job it should not be something to worry about and loose sleep over. I feel like the weight of the whole business is on my shoulders and I don't want it. I don't want to be worrying about how the business will survive when I am not here. I shouldn't care, the people who own it and make their money from it should be doing that not me. I wish I could go part time now. I'm so glad I am only going to be doing 4 days, I wish I could do 3 if I'm honest. I have 10 more working weeks til Christmas and then 5 weeks when I come back until I finish. I am being to think that I got pregnant at the right time after all as I don't know how I would get through this winter otherwise.

J is doing my head in something rotten. I don't know if its the menopause or something but she is in a bad mood all the time. Every day she is snapping and huffing at somebody. It is not a nice atmosphere to work in. She makes out like she is so hard done to and that it is such an effort to be here when she doesn't even really do anything. She never answers the phone, she never helps me with anything she just complains or goes out. I can't talk to her about anything without her getting on her soapbox so I just don't bother any more.

Feeling quite down again at the moment mainly with work but also with the way I look. No matter what I wear I just look like this fat little ball. No wonder S doesn't even want to kiss me any more. I am dreading going to Blackpool on Saturday night. I tried my costume on last night and I just looked horrible. How on earth are you meant to feel attractive when you are pregnant? How? I can't even look at myself objectively when all I see is this massive bump. It doesn't matter if my hair is nice (its not) or my make up is nice there isn't any point because I am pregnant and no one thinks I look nice not even my husband. Jxx

So so

I feel ok at the moment I guess. I'm still tired and I just have this total slump between 2 and 3 pm where all I want to do is go to sleep, which is obviously impossible at work so I struggle on trying to get motivated and just wishing it was home time. Anyway I am 21 weeks today which means technically there are only 19 weeks til he should be here. Of course he may be later or even earlier. I would like him to be abit earlier if I am honest as I would quite like to have him near my birthday although I have a feeling he will probably be late and may actually be born in March. I supose it doesn't matter really as long as he is healthy. Only 3 weeks more and technically he could be born and should survive which is amazing. Obviously I want him to go to term but atleast every week past 24 weeks gives him a better and better chance of being ok. I can feel him kicking more now although still quite lightly and only a few times a day. It is nice to know that he is ok in there though and is making his prescence known a little.

I have a driving lesson at 8 tomorrow morning which I am not looking forward to at all as I will be so tired but I needed to get it out of the way as we are going to my mum and dads tomorrow for the weekend as S is doing he first part of their boiler installation. It will be nice to see them but I am concerned S is going to be shattered woring all weekend and then back to work again on Monday. He keeps complaining his back hurts but then he won't stop at all, every night this week he has been in the shed sorting things out and last night he painted 2 walls in Evan's room. I know he wants to get things done and get organized but I feel like I never see him. I said to him last night I may as well just pay a handyman as all I do is cook and clean for him and thats it. I feel unattractive and horrible at the moment and it is not helping that my own husband never wants to spend any time with me or cuddle me or anything.

The dogs are going to kennels for the weekend as we are away. I really hope they behave themselves there. They have been up and down this week, Bailey has been fairly well behaved but Arnie has been growling at him for no reason which upsets me and which we need to address as we don't want to go to far the other way and allow Arnie to be a bully. I'm finding it quite hard and S doesn't seem to take it seriously and just palms all the responsibilty off onto me which I am struggling with. We are on our third spray collar for Bailey as the first 2 were faulty which I am have been quite annoyed about as we bought it online so its abit of a pain to change them. If we have a problem with this one then I just want my money back as its too much money to spend on something that isn't going to work all the time. We do need one though as when it is working it is good. Jxx

I personally don't get...

People who love being pregnant. I mean I don't hate it or anything but I'm not exactly loving it either. I don't like not being in control of my own body and I feel fat and unattractive. It doesn't matter what I wear I look small and round and stupid. I know I'm going to look like a weeble by the time I give birth. I always thought I would like to be pregnant and have a cute little bump but of course the reality is very different. I think it looks worse because I am small, I just look round all over rather than looking normal with just a baby bump. I know it will all be worthwhile when he is here and yes I can loose weight and go back to being me again but I'm not going to pretend I'm loving it. I especially do not want to take pictures of my bump! If no one took a single picture of me whilst I was pregnant then that would be absolutely fine with me. I think the worst thing is not feeling sexy. It seems wrong to even think about having sex whilst I have got a bump and a baby inside me. I don't think its wrong but I find it so hard to concentrate and to relax and let go as whenever I look at my stomach it is obvious that I am pregnant. As well as my body I think my face has got fatter, my skin is dreadful and now I have bad skin on my chest as well which I have never had before, oh and my hair is a state. Sometimes I hate the way I look and not just because I am pregnant. I hate my face and my skin and my hair. I look in the mirror and it makes me want to hurt myself for looking so horrible and ugly. I know that sounds stupid but its how I feel. I imagine that I look different in my head and then I catch sight of myself in a mirror and I feel rubbish again.

Anyway enough of that. We went to Matalan last night so I could change a jumper and I bought 2 little blue body suits and a blue stripey all in one. They are so cute, I love looking at baby clothes and trying to imagine the little boy that will go in them. I am trying to refer to him as him now rather than the baby as I hope it will hep me to start to bond with him better. I said to S something about our son yesterday and it seemed so odd to say that (but in a nice way). We think we are pretty decided on a name; Evan Arthur. Both S and I like Evan, plus it is easy to spell, not common but not too unusual/weird, it is also Welsh (yey) and means John in Welsh which is S's middle name. Arthur is after my dad. S's mum likes it which is a big relief and everyone else can learn to like it! Jxx

Its a.............

Boy! So my feeling was right all along!

Scan was brilliant as the sonographer was lovely and she had a student in with her so everything was explained in detail. We were in there about 15 minutes but the baby was in a difficult position and she couldn't see his heart properly so she asked us to go away for half an hour and have something sugary and then go back to see if he had moved. Fortunately he had and she could see what she needed to plus we got to see him alot better. Everything is measuring fine and all seems ok which is such a relief. I stll don't think it has sunk in that I'm going to have a son. I mean I thought from the begining that he was a boy but I keep sitting here thinking 'wow I'm going to have a son...' Its amazing. I do feel happy and I know S is very happy as he wanted a little boy plus we can give him my dad's name now which I really wanted.

Weekend was fine although I was wishing it away as I wanted to get to my scan. My driving went well. I reversed around the corner I failed my tests on twice and did it perfectly both times which shows how far I have come. I also did 2 perfect parrallel parks! I only have something like 6 more lessons til my test though which is abit worrying but I'm trying not to think about it at the moment. We popped into Morecambe after my lesson despite the driving rain as I had to post the Cd's I'd sold and send Bailey's spray collar back as it has gone wrong (after 3 days not vry impressed!) We went to New Look so I could get a dress I'd seen online (I'm buying dresses instead of maternity clothes as they grow with me and I can still wear them afterwards) and got a breakfast bagette in the Arndale. Then we went to Wickes and Matalan on the way home. Saturday afternoon was spent snuggling on the sofa with the dogs as the weather was just awful. Sunday the weather was tonnes better so S spent the day doing the gutters in the back yard and I held the ladder and kept him company. That was pretty much it really. This weekend we are going to my mums so I'm looking forward to that. The dogs have been so much better behaved this past week I really hope it continues. They are such lovely boys when they want to be (although Arnie was sick in our bed at half 6 this morning!) however I was sick as well so I think it might have been something we had eaten? I feel fine now though which is a relief. Jxx

So tired

I'm feeling so tired today and I don't really know why. I go to bed early and I don't do much in the evenings and yet this pregnancy is really taking it out of me. I thought the middle months were suposed to be where you felt the best but to be honest I haven't felt much better/worse than I did in the beginning. I know I shouldn't complain as people have it alot worse but I just want to go to bed!

Feeling abit down again what with money and work. Work is really busy and stressful and sometimes I feel like I am the only person keeping everything together and sorting out all the problems. If I didn't keep my eye on the ball and make sure things got done then no one would do them but I still get the blame when things go wrong and people seem to take things out on me which aren't my fault. I'm always the first person in the firing line and sometimes I feel quite unappreciated.

I am so tired of having no money. We have just had the van MOT'd and the wheel bearing done and it has cost more than I expected so I have to scrape money together to pay for that. The list of things we need for the baby keeps getting longer and I don't know how we are going to afford everything. Its one thing after another all the time that need paying, people's birthdays etc and even though I keep putting money aside it's never enough. We don't spend any money on ourselves so its not like we're blowing it all its just that there isn't enough.

I still don't feel excited about the baby and its making me sad. I want to be happy about it and excited instead I am worried. Worried that I won't be a good enough mum, worried we won't have enough money, sick of being a fat mess and not in control of my own body. All I want to do is hide away in bed until it is all over. I want to feel attached to this baby and to want it and to think about it in a positive way but I can't seem to at the moment and I don't know what to do about it. Jxx