I know I shouldn't say this but -

I'm not enjoying being pregnant. I am glad we are having a baby and I do love it and want it to be safe and healthy but I am not enjoying the experience at the moment. I know a lot of people will think that is awful and so many women want babies and can't have them and would do anything to be pregnant but I am hating not being in control of my body. I know there is a baby in there and that is why I am putting on weight but I feel so unattractive. Every week I have to put away more clothes that I can't get in to and part of me is terrified I'll never get into them again. I have never been someone that is naturally thin, I have always had to watch my weight (sometimes more successfully than others) and if I started to put weight on then I would just eat less until I felt better but now I can't do that and I hate the lack of control I have. Being overweight is unacceptable to me (I mean me being overweight, other peoples weight does not bother me) if I think I am fat then I am unhappy, I don't feel confident, I feel miserable. At the moment I don't look pregnant I just look fatter I think people must be looking at me thinking that I am just putting on weight when I can't do anything about it. I'm sure they're not but thats how I am looking at myself. My legs and bum have got bigger, now surely that can't be to do with pregnancy, my stomach I can understand but my legs? My legs have always been too fat in comparison to the rest of my body but they are getting worse. I can't look at myself in my underwear it is horrible.

I don't want to put any more weight on. I don't want to buy maternity clothes. I don't want to get any bigger. I don't mind having a bump where the baby is but thats it. I know I am being ridiculous and this will never happen and I am certainly not trying to make it happen as I am eating plenty (and much better than I have done before with fruit, veg etc) but I can't help how I feel. It feels so unnatural to me to be putting on weight on not doing anything about it, it goes against every instinct in me. I was talking to my mum last night and she told me I will be fine and I will loose it afterwards (and she looked great after she had had me) but it feels so hard to relax and accept that. I see other pregnant people and they just look normal and they aren't wearing maternity clothes and they are further on than me.

I feel so selfish. I know none of this should matter, that as long as the baby is healthy and happy then that is ok but it is my body too and I have to live with this for the rest of my life. I wish I could enjoy being pregnant. I wonder when I start to get a proper bump then I might feel abit better? I hope so ;-( Jxx

Can't be bothered

I don't feel like writing much at the moment. I am bored and finding it hard to get motivated or concentrate on anything.

Weekend was ok it was nice to have an extra day off although we didn't exactly make the most of it. The weather wasn't particularly good although Sunday was nice and we took the dogs on a long walk in the evening which we all enjoyed. I do love living by the sea it is so beautiful especially when the sun shines.

My driving went quite well on Saturday, we started reversing round a corner and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My instructor is absolutely lovely and really knows her stuff. I have only had 6 lessons with her but I feel I have learnt so much. After my lesson S and I went to M&G's as he had agreed to put their new hob in for them so J picked me up from there and took me to Glasson Dock to get my hair done. My hair is ok I still can't seem to do much with it. I just had some random blonde flashes put in it and it cut. She only charged me £20 which was good of her. Its funny how much I like Sh now but when I met her I didn't like her at all. By the time S had finished and come to pick me up it was tea time so we just chilled when we got home and went to bed early. Sunday we didn't end up doing much. We went to Matalan as I wanted some cheap jeans (as I am rapidly getting too big for mine) but I couldn't find any cheap enough so we went into Morecambe and managed to get some in New Look which were reduced to £15 so I was pleased about that. We also had a look in homebargains and got some cheap biscuits and cleaning stuff. We didn't do anything in the evening except take the dogs out. Monday we went to have a look at the car boot sale (we decided not to do it in the end as we didn't have enough different things to sell and the weather forecast was rubbish) it was probably a good job we didn't go as it was so windy and there seemed to be lots more sellers than buyers. After that we went to Lidl and Asda to get the shopping done (boring) and again that was it. I did some baking when we got back and we played Mariokart on the Wii. I supose it was a nice quiet weekend although it felt as though we should have done more with it.

Not much else to say. I have ripped my new contact lense which I am pissed off about but I haven't got any spares so I'm having to wear it until J can pick me some more up on Friday. I have the dentist tomorrow morning which I am not looking forward to. Also apparantly the tests the midwife did show that I have some kind of infection so I am on antibiotics (I don't know what for they didn't tell me) My skin is still bad which is driving me mad I don't see why I have to have spots for the rest of my life. We have no money as per usual. S is working next Saturday to get some extra money but we need it to buy skirting board and paint for the babys room. I will be on my own all day Saturday as I have no driving lesson. F said she might come and see me which would be nice though. Jxx

Bla (14 weeks today)

I don't know why but I feel so bla at the moment. I haven't got any energy or enthusiasm for anything when last week/end I felt so positive and productive. I should be over the moon as I am 14 weeks today and that has always been my safety point in my head, that if I got to 14 weeks then I would truly start to believe that I was going to have a baby. The trouble is I still don't really believe it, I thought I would be so happy when today arrived as it is what I have been counting down to since I found out I was pregnant (9 weeks ago!) but I hadn't even remembered until I came to write this. Now I am counting down to my 20 week scan (6 weeks on Monday) as that is the next "milestone" and it just feels like I am wishing this pregnancy away when I should be enjoying it.

I feel ugly and horrible. I have come out in loads of spots again and no matter what I do I can't cover them up. Why can I not find a decent foundation? Every one I try goes patchy or shiny. I don't want to have bad skin for the rest of my life it makes me feel so down. My hair is a straggly split mess no matter how much conditioner I put on it, it goes ratty. I should be pleased that I'm having it done tomorrow but I don't even know what she is going to be able to do with it. I have lost motivation with my exercises as I don't feel it is doing anything and I am just getting fatter and less toned instead of more. Apparantly I can't improve my fitness level during pregnancy I can only maintain it which is fair enough and doing some exercise has got to be better than nothing, so why am I feeling so demotivated? I didn't do my lower body exercises last night as I am hating them. I hate squats and lunges I find them really hard work now that I am heavier and I just couldn't be bothered. We did take the dogs out but I know that isn't enough. I don't mind doing my arm exercises so much so I will probably make myself do them tonight. I have been trying so hard to eat healthily (probably the best I have ever been) I am getting 5 fruit/veg per day, I am not eating cake or chocolate or icecream or stuff like that and I am cooking all our evening meals from scratch. I am actually enjoying it and it hasn't felt like a chore which is nice. I just want to be a healthier fitter person but I'm finding it difficult now that I am pregnant as I can't just eat cereal and not much else, in order to try and stay slim. I know it shouldn't matter but when people tell me I am putting weight on and I know my face and hair are a mess it just makes me feel horrible.

I don't want to go driving tomorrow. I know I have had a week off but I really do hate it. I find it stressful and boring, I wish I could just drive and be done with it. I know I just need to focus and improve and then pass the bloody test but again I am finding it hard to motivate myself even though I really need to. I am just worn down with it all and am finding it hard to think about it positively. Thats part of my problem though I am too negative about things and then I am down on myself and don't expect to do well/don't have confidence in myself and then I don't do well. I supose it is a self fulfilling prophecy.

J has gone on a course so she has't been here yesterday or today. I don't really like being on my own in the office. I don't mind for a morning or an afternoon or something but 2 whole days on my own is pretty boring plus its difficult to get motivated. I have got done what I need to do but then I am just sitting here trying to think what else I can do to be productive. Jxx

S's mum

Is driving me mad again. I know I said I would try and be more understanding as she means well but some of the things she says/does make me so annoyed and I don't know why she does them.

For example last night she took me to Asda from work as it was raining (yes very kind of her I know) Anyway whilst we were there she tells me that I have put on weight on my thighs, that my boobs have got bigger, laughed at our choices of names for the baby, and tried to make me buy things I didn't want. I let all of it go (apart from the buying things I didn't want as we are on a strict budget and I wasn't going over it for anybody) but then I wonder why I let it go? I know she doesn't mean it in a malicious way but what gives her the right to comment on my body? I would be annoyed if my own mother did it never mind anyone else. I am pregnant for gods sake, and I am touchy about my weight at the best of times so why say it? I wish I had said something at the time. Nothing confrontational just that I would rather she didn't comment on my weight or something as it makes me feel sad. I need to learn to be more assertive but in a nice way. Everytime someone says something like this I just let it go and then brood on it and make myself cross. I need to start establishing boundaries with S's mum or she will walk all over me when the baby is here and for my own sanity I can't and won't have that. She controls everyone else around her as no one stands up to her (B, D or S) I need to do it but I need to find a no-nonsense nice way to do it and that is what I find so hard. I think the first few times will be the worst but hopefully after that it will get easier.

I know I have been a people pleaser all my life and just agreed with others and kept my resentment and anger hidden and it hasn't done me any good. I need to start to challenge myself to face my fears and make myself heard, as from today. Wish me luck...

In other news we are doing a carboot sale on bank holiday monday! Haven't told S we need to be there at half 6 yet though, don't think he's going to like that but we need to do it. Got to get the stuff sorted out in the loft and J is lending me the price gun from work so I can price things up. Got sunday to get everything ready atleast, I hope it doesn't throw it down! Jxx

My dad

Has got prostate cancer. My mum rang me on Friday night to tell me. I am not entirely shocked as we knew they had found something wrong with it when they were trying to find out what was wrong with his leg however to hear the word cancer is always horrible. He is fine in himself and they do not seem unduely worried by it so I supose that is good. They have given him some tablets and he has to go back for more scans/tests in October and hopefully we will know more then. I think the whole thing has just made me face up to mortality and the fact that we all will die eventually. I know we know this but I guess we just don't like to think about it and then when something like this happens you are forced to. I don't want to even contemplate life without my dad even though I always knew one day I would have to. It makes me even more glad that I am having this baby now and that he will get to meet it.

Had a fairly good weekend. I didn't go to Chester which was a relief to be honest as I had lots of things I wanted to get done. We went to the bank Saturday morning and got the loan sorted no problems. We then went and got breakfast in a little cafe whilst killing time til my opticians appointment. I went to my appointment and got my right lense changed again as it still wasn't right, they are both tonnes better now though I actually feel like I can see again! After that we had a look round a few shops and then went home. We picked the dogs up at tea time (they had been to the kennels to give us a chance to clean the house without their help!) then MS came round for a chat and played on the Wii with S. Watched X factor (yey) and then we had to go round to D&P's as D was having a few people round for his birthday. We didn't want to go but felt that we should to take his card round etc.

When we got there P opened the door and just went Oh as she clearly wasn't expecting us. She then walked back into the kitchen and totally ignored us all evening. We sat in the conservatory with D, De and F and two other friends of D. I was glad MS came with us as he sat with me and talked to me so I didn't feel left out whilst S talked to the others as he grew up with them/hasn't seen them for years. They were all wasted on drugs and it was only 9pm. I was sat there with them smoking, drinking and acting wrecked around me and I just wanted to get myself and our baby out of there. The other two friends of D had brought their baby with them and it was upstairs whilst they were wrecked on drugs! I could not believe it. A few years ago I would have thought that was ok but definitely not now, my views have changed so much since becoming pregnant. I am so glad we have left that lifestyle behind. I do miss the highs but not the rest of it and I never want to get sucked back into that. We only stayed an hour or so and then we left as the dogs were outside and it was chucking it down and we just wanted to go back home. S and MS played some more games on the Wii and then we went to bed.

Sunday we had to get up earlyish as the midwife was coming at 10. S kept the dogs upstairs out of the way whilst she went through some things with me and took my blood (which actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be) Before she went she put the feotal heartbeat monitor on me to try and find the heartbeat and she found it straight away and it was nice and strong, then we heard the baby moving and kicking! It was amazing as I can't actually feel anything yet but we could hear the swooshes as it moved. It was so nice to hear especially as the baby didn't move at all during our scan so it was good to know it is active in there! Only 7 weeks until my 20 week scan! I am pretty sure it is a boy but I am kind of hoping for a boy now as well because of the news with my dad as I really want to name the baby after my dad (as its middle name) so if it is a boy we will do that. I am also abit torn about the test for down syndrome. All we are offered here is a blood test which has to be done at 16 weeks. I am considered low risk because of my age and if I have the test and come back low risk then they won't do anything more, so I could still have a down syndrome baby I am just low risk. If I came back high risk then I would be offered an amnio, which I could have that would tell me for definite either way. But then the amnio has a 1 in 100 chance of causing you to miscary the baby (downs or not) and even if the result came back as downs then I would still have the baby as there is no way I would abort so is there any point to it at all? The end result will be that I have the baby regardless whether there is something wrong or not, so is it any better to know that is is unlikely there is something wrong because don't I kind of know that already? It is all abit confusing and I think I am leaning towards not bothering. They will check at the 20 week scan for any other problems so maybe I will just leave it at that.

Not much else to say. Paid off the Virgin card yesterday and cancelled it thank god! We can't seem to get any further with the carboot plan as we can't find anywhere where they are on which is annoying! Got to take Bailey to the vets tomorrow as his leg has swollen up where Arnie bit it. he doesn't seem bothered at all but its not right and needs looking at. We might be going for a meal tonight for D/B's birthdays but because of all the tension between P and the rest of us I don't know whats going on. Jxx

Frugal

I was bored yesterday so decided to go on moneysavingexpert.com and ended up on the forums having a nosy. I discovered this thread called Live on £4000 for a year which sounded interesting so I started reading it. Several pages later I am totally engrossed. Basically the people doing the challenge have to live on 4 grand a year (as the title suggests!) this does not include mortgage, water or council tax (as these are fixed amounts) or any debt repayments. The rest of the persons expenditure has to be less than the 4 thousand (ie around £80 a week) The thread has totally inspired me and has made me want to do something similar myself. Debt wise we will be doing pretty well when we pay of the Virgin card and go onto this loan (ie debt free in 5 years) I have started using the Barclaycard for every day spending (ie food and petrol) but paying it off at the end of the month in full as this maintains a good credit rating and means we have the money in our account for longer/no interest charged (I got them to put the limit down to £750 though from £3000 just in case!) I know we are already being pretty careful with our money due to saving for the baby but there are so many ways we could save more.

For example I really want to do a car boot sale, we have so much stuff in the loft we can sell I litterally have 1 suitcase full of clothes that if I sold them for 50p each I would make about £80, we have all the old hamster stuff, S has speakers, tv's, cds, his decks, records etc etc. I need to spend a weekend sorting and washing everything and then we need to get on and do one before the summer is over. Also, food shopping, I know it is costing us too much and there are ways of reducing it. I need to think of some cheap filling meals I can do. Clothes shopping and wasting money on random uneccessary stuff is another. I really want to customize my own clothes. I saw a t shirt on topshops website the other day that was £25 but I could easily make myself. I have already decided to stop buying clothes and just get things from Primark when I go to Liverpool, or Matalan or Asda and then get things from the market to customize them with. Finally meals out is where we really spend the most money (especially now we aren't going out at all) we often "have lunch in town" which always costs £15/£20 and it all adds up. The trouble is eating out/takeaways is our one and only luxuary but then I think we would be better adding the £15/£20 to the food shopping bill and cooking the meals at home? I don't know, I can do without a meal out but I know S likes it. Maybe we could just go to cheaper places? I want to join the local library so I can get books out for free and I have lots of crossstitch I want to start so that should keep me pretty busy and is all free! I am feeling really positive about the whole thing and I will be putting it into practice as of today.

Other news, still not sure what is happening about Saturday. I could do with not going to be honest to save money and to sort out stuff at home etc. If she doesn't come back to me today then it is going to be too late to book tickets online and I have never bought them at the station before (I always like to get them in advance) I think I might just speak to her in abit and see if I can find out one way or another. The X Factor starts again on Saturday night which I am sadly excited about! Saturday night tv is rubbish without it plus it means it is the start of the run up to Xmas and the Autumn/Winter season (yet again the Summer has been a washout!) I am getting my hair done next Saturday which is an extravagance but it is a terrible state and I have not paid to have it done for over a year so I think I can allow it, plus Sh is doing it at S's mums so that will make it cheaper. Thats it I think, back to read up more money saving tips! Jxx

Sick

I was sick this morning as I came out of the house to go to work. I felt fine when I got up but as soon as I got into the van I felt so sick and then I was sick which wasn't pleasant. I know I have still been pretty lucky with this pregnancy in that I could have been alot worse than I have. I felt abit ill when I got to work but after I had eaten my porridge I started to feel better.

Not much to write about really. The dogs were a nightmare to walk last night, they pulled and barked at everything. I didn't take them out for long as they were driving me mad and then I got hailed on on the way back. The weather last night was awful, dark skies and torrential rain. I just had time to do my weights before watching CSI (new series is back on - finally something to watch!) I was lying under my dressing gown on the sofa as I was cold and Bailey came over and I said to him Come and sit with mum, and he hoped up onto the sofa very delicately and lay in front of me and put his head on me and went to sleep. It was so sweet, he lay there all through CSI NY and let me stroke his head. He drives me mad at times but I do love the crazy mongral. Oh and we went out and bought a Dyson last night as we are so sick of our crap hoover that doesn't pick anything up and that you have to use every day so as we are definitely getting this money we could finally get one. S vaccuumed the front room whilct I walked the dogs and the difference was amazing. Hopefully I will be able to keep the house fur free from now on!

Still haven't heard from Lo if she wants me to go on Saturday. I have emailed her and text her and I could really do with knowing as I need to buy my tickets. If I do go the earliest train I can get is 11:16 which gets in at ten to 1, then I'll have 4 hours there as the last train back is 5pm. So four hours travelling for four hours there! If I don't go though I don't know when I will see her so part of me does want to go just so its done. I do want to see her its just a bloody hassle with the trains. I don't know why the trains are so useless to Chester, there are 3 or 4 trains per hour to Liverpool but only 1 to chester and they stop really early in the evening. I need to be able to drive don't I? Jxx

Up and down

I'm all over the place at the moment. One minute I feel very down the next I'm ok. I am definitely very emotional either way you look at it. The littlest thing makes me want to cry - good and bad.

S was in a better mood last night and even took the dogs out with me which made a nice change. I was so tired after I'd been to Asda that after I had taken the dogs out and done my exercises I got a shower and fell asleep in bed with the dogs whilst S was working on the cupboards in the baby's room. I got up at 9 and went downstairs with him and then we came back up and got into bed again at 10. I so feel less tired today but I am still yawning quite abit. All I want to do is eat and sleep at the moment.

Some good news is that I found out yesterday we have been accepted for a loan from HSBC to pay off our stupid virgin card. I am amazed to be honest as I did not expect we would get it due to the current credit crisis etc etc. I applied online as it was a really good deal (8% apr and the credit card is going up to 35%!!! after the interest free runs out) and didn't think I would hear back, next thing someone had left a message on the answerphone at home on Sat but because I was having an awful day I didn't ring them back. Rang them yesterday and its all gone through just got to pop into the branch on saturday and sign the forms. I cannot wait to ring up Virgin and pay off and cancel the card, they have been absolutely awful and I would never never get anything with them again. I had that card for 4 years and becasue it was always paid off they kept the interest rate low, as soon as we used it to do the kitchen/bathroom and it was spent up they put the interest up more than double. I'm so relieved that we will be able to pay it off before the interst free period runs out (Sept) We also have a little bit extra left over so that we can get some carpet for the babys room and buy a dyson as our hoover is attrocious (and we've only had it a year) which we ease the financial pressure on us abit. The loan will cost us less a month than the credit card would and will be paid off in 5 years which is a while but atleast there is a definite end. I feel so relieved knowing that the money situation is sorted although I won't believe it til the money is in our account!

I have worked out that it is only 8 weeks till my next scan. I know its October and that sounds ages when you think of it like that but 8 weeks doesn't sound that long to me at all. In 8 weeks we will know whether baby is a girl or a boy! J has bought me the sweetest baby book today (she popped out on her dinner) it is Little Bear and the illustrations are lovely. It is exactly what I would have choosen as I remember the Little Bear books my self. I nearly cried when I was reading it (see what I mean) and now baby has a name and will be known as Little Bear ;-) I feel like I am going mad some times with how emotional I feel, I love this baby so much and it isn't even here yet. With every day that goes past I know is a day closer to meeting him/her and everything being ok. I have 14 weeks in my head as a kind of deadline to relax. I know technically I am past 12 now so things should be ok and after 13 weeks is the second trimester but I just know I won't relax until after 14 weeks. So maybe in 10 days I will feel more secure about things? I love you so much Little Bear, stay safe for me. Jxx

Feeling sad and small

Feeling so down at the moment and small (not in size) and alone. I don't know why I feel so alone as lots of people have been asking me if I am ok (in real life and on facebook) yet I still feel lonely. S and I haven't got on well at all this weekend. I feel that he has been in a funny arsey mood and hasn't been sympathetic or even nice to me when I have really needed some support. I am worried about how we will cope with this baby because if it is anything like the dog situation I will have to do all the crap and he will just do the fun parts. I don't feel he supports me when compared to his family and doesn't back me up on issues I think are important.

So the weekend all in all was pretty crap. Friday night was ok, after I had gone home and checked the dogs were ok and cleaned up the house we set off to F&A's. We got there about half 7 and there was F, A, K, P and M. We ordered the Dominos (£120 worth! Although we got it for half price at £69) quickly as we were keeping everyone waiting and then the boys played on the Wii in the front room and the girls sat in the back room and chatted. I did feel better for going there and talking to the girls as they reassured me and let me get things off my chest. I am so glad I have them. By half ten I was tired though so I had to persuade S to leave and I drove home and we went to bed as S was abit drunk even though he had only had 4 bottles. I slept really badly in the night as I kept waking up and Bailey was in pain with his leg so I was worried about him. By the time I got up at half 8 I think I had been awake once every hour. Then my driving lesson was rubbish as I wasn't in the right mood to concentrate to on what I was doing an kept making mistakes. I was so tired when I got back I went back to bed for abit (I didn't end up going to town to meet the girls as I was shattered.)

Then on Saturday afternoon S had D round (no idea why) playing on the stupid Wii whilst I sat upstairs on my own and cried and cried for about an hour and he didn't come to see if I was ok or even speak to me. I ended up texting my sister as she was the only person I could think of to talk to and she is miles away and could only text me back. I just felt so alone. I ended up taking the dogs out for an hour on my own in the rain and I was still crying then. The dogs are ok, they had both hurt themselves but nothing major just some cuts and have been fine with each other all weekend. I took them out for an hour Sat and about 45 mins Sun so they had good walks and were tired. My sister ended up phoning me on Saturday night from her boyfriends to check I was ok which I really appreciated apart from that we did nothing and went to bed early.

Sunday we had to get up early to go into town to get B's present (as we didn't go on sat) and then we went through to Glasson Dock to give him it. D was there drunk as he had been out there the night before with some people and had crashed at his mum and dads. We stayed for abit and then when we heard P was going we left plus we had to get back for my mum coming. My mum arrived about half 2 as the traffic had been bad. We took the dogs for a walk and later on she took us to The Royal for tea which was lovely (but busy) It was good to see her it brightened up what would otherwise have been an awful weekend.

Not much else to say really. I have booked the dogs into the kennels on Friday and Saturday day as I don't want to leave them with S incase he can't cope again. I am suposed to be going to see Lo this Saturday but just for the day as I had decided I wasn't going to stay over night and then my midwife phoned me and she's coming to see me on sunday at 10 so I couldn't stay anyway. I just hope this week improves and I start to feel more cheerful... Jxx

Awful day

Today has been awful so far. S is at home as he is meant to be doing the drain in the back yard with his dad. He rang me up about 10 to say that the dogs had had a fight and he was stressing out about that and getting all annoyed. Then he rang me back abit later to say they had had another fight as he had taken Arnie's muzzle off (why?) and hadn't put Bailey on his chain (why?) so Bailey had gone racing upstairs (he had previously separated them with Bailey outside and Arnie inside) and because they were still tense and it wasn't really resolved they had another fight. He has probably made the situation sound worse than it is (because he always does this when he phones me at work) He was going mental saying he was getting rid of them and I am stuck at work on the end of a phone having to calm him down and talk him through dealing with them. I have been in tears ever since as I am not getting rid of them and he has done nothing to help the situation. He never takes any responsibility for the dogs. He doesn't walk them, he doesn't discipline them, he hardly bothers with them. He never has them on his own and when he does he can't cope. I am going to tell him tonight that I want full responsibility for the dogs and that they will be MY dogs. I will be responsible for their behaviour, their training, walking etc etc. This means that his family (especially his mum) has NO claim on them what so ever and if I want to take them out when his mum comes round or tell her not to fuss them then I will. He cannot have it both ways, him and his mum want the nice fun part of having a dog but as soon as the going gets tough they want me to just get rid, not happening. Getting rid of one of them will be my last resort and if anybody DARES to say to me "you'll never cope with them and a baby" then I will not be held responsible for my actions. I have ordered Bailey a muzzle as well so neither of them can bite each other and I will resolve this behavioural issue even if I have to pay a professional for help.

I am stressed out as I just want to go home and asses the situation instead of being stuck here. Plus apparantly they have trashed the house (which I had been keeping expecially clean as my family are coming on sunday) so I will now have to clean/vaccuum etc as well when I get in. I was already feeling stressed and sad this week and I did not need this. If this had happened to me whilst S was working I would have told him at dinner time and made light of it instead of ringing up screaming down the phone. I have asked him not to do this when I am at work as I can't do anything about it and it just makes me worry. Its like he can't deal with anything on his own, every single problem he has to come running to me and dump it on me to sort out. I am feeling under so much pressure at the moment. Right now I want to take my dogs and the baby and go off somewhere on my own cos thats the amount of help and support I feel I am getting right now. Jxx

Feeling stressed out and unsociable

I feel like I am being pulled from piller to post at the moment. People seem to keep asking me to do things and I don't have the money or the energy to do them.

Tomorrow we have to got to F and A's for P's pizza party which will be nice but it will still be fairly late when we get in. Saturday I have driving as usual which stresses me out then I totally forgot that ages ago I had agreed to go to lunch with L, K, F and E which I cannot afford and I will be seeing them (except L) the night before. I have told L I will just come for a drink but I don't even see how I can do that as S and I are going to Glasson Dock with the dogs in the afternoon so we can't stop in town as the dogs will be in the back of the van. We only need to nip into Argos to get a present for B's birthday then we are going to see them to give him it. So I don't know how I am going to fit in meeting them and even if I do I won't be able to stay very long and what is S suposed to do whilst I'm there? I know I agreed to go but that was before we all aranged P's birthday on the friday night and I just can't do both. The trouble is because L isn't invited to P's birthday we can't all just not go on Saturday as it isn't fair on her and I know she is looking forward to it. I feel stuck. Then there's next weekend when I'm suposed to be going to Chester to see Lo which I cannot afford. I can managed the trainfare but then I have no money for when I'm there. Lo and my family want me to stay with them over night but I don't want to as otherwise I won't see S all weekend again and I'm sick of having no free time but if I come back that night then it is a lot of traveling in one day. I don't know what to do, I don't want to upset people but I need some time for myself, we have absolutely no spare money and I just want to spend some time with S and relax. I feel so wound up and anxious.

J hasn't helped matters as she came into work yesterday to give me some nectarines and I'd forgotten to put the barrier across the office door so she just walked in and started fussing the dog and I knew JF was fuming but what can you say? J knows she isn't allowed in but because the barrier was off she just walked in and it was blatantly rude because she knew she shouldn't but she did anyway. It puts me in such an awkward position. I wanted to say something but I didn't know what to say and how to say it in a way that wasn't offensive. I don't want to upset her but she just ignores things you ask her not to do because she doesn't want to. Its like with our dogs. We have asked her time and time again not to fuss them but she does it anyway, its like she thinks she knows best and doesn't respect my feelings and it upsets me and stresses me out. When we go on Saturday I am going to have to say something about work and the dogs which I am not looking forward to. I just hope I can say it in a pleasant but assertive way.

I feel panicky when I think about things at the moment. I know it is probably just hormonal but I feel like I want to hide in a corner. Jxx

Karma

Alot of bad things seem to have been happening to decent people at the moment and it makes me wonder about karma. These people have not done anything to deserve something bad to happen to them yet it has. I have done quite alot of bad things in my life and I have been horrible to people that love/loved me. I feel so lucky to have the things I have now and part of my worries why I haven't been "punished" for the things I have done. It is almost like I am waiting for something bad to happen. I don't want anything bad to happen and I am so so grateful for my life and my lovely husband, dogs, family, friends etc etc. I hope I have "learnt my lesson" and am behaving in the best possible way I can but I just worry sometimes that I don't deserve all this.

J and I have been talking today about taking responsibilty for your own behaviour and looking at how (in any situation) no one is completely blameless/unaffected. Even if the other person is 99% in the wrong, in some (small) way you will have contributed to the situation. It is not about feeling guilty for what you have done/not done but learning from your actions and breaking patterns/doing things differently next time.

I have been wondering whether I should make more effort with S's family. I was talking to F last night and she (and A) make such an effort with A's brother and his wife even though they have nothing in common with them and even though they are sometimes ignorant/unkind. It makes me wonder if I should be trying to make more effort with D and P and speak to them more/ask them to do things but then part of me always finds it hurtful when they are rude or unkind and I don't know whether I want to open myself up to that? None of S's family really bother with us now but then we don't bother with them so I don't know whether we should start of whether we are happier without. It doesn't bother me that I don't see them I just wonder whether I should? Jxx

More dreams

Had a dream the other night where I looked in the mirror and I went to brush my necklace but instead of it being my actual necklace it was tattooed onto my neck. But it was back to front so the chain was on the front of my neck and the angel wings were hanging down the back of my neck (between my shoulders) I remember being surprised and wondering when I had had that done but also thinking that my mum wouldn't like it.

I have been having a few dreams lately about being a mum and whether I will be a good one, and how I have done things my parents haven't wanted me to/approved and that it is highly likely that my child/ren will do things I don't want them to. It is odd I feel like this baby is "mine" yet of course it isn't he/she is a person in the own right and will always be, we just get to look after them and bring them up and hopefully teach them to be good people. I think because it is inside me and so close to me that I feel like it is part of me. It is so strange being pregnant and "growing" a baby it is not like anything I have ever known and I never understand how pregnant women felt until now.

Last night I took the dogs out for an hour on my own and they were both a pain. Arnie barked at every dog we met (and there were lots out as it was a nice evening) and Bailey tried to jump at a bike and sat down in the middle of the road when a lorry was coming. I was so frustrated with both of them. When I got home I was trying to vaccuum and clean the house and they were tearing up and downstairs like lunatics so I ended up leaving them to it as it was keeping them occupied. They didn't settle down til about half 9 by which time I was so tired of them. S got home about 8 ish as he had had to go back and finish off the job he was doing on Saturday so J very kindly took me to Asda so I could do the shopping. I have continued with my exercising every other day however I have now decided to break it down into upper and lower body and do them on alternate days so I am exercising everyday. So the plan is 15 minutes of weights (upper or lower) plus 15 minutes (minimum) of dog walking. So I will be getting atleast 30 minutes exercise a day EVERY DAY! Hopefully it will keep me vaguely in shape???? Jxx

Our baby

So yes there is definitely a baby in there and he/she looks healthy and as they should. I am also spot on for my dates which is great. The relief I felt when she put the scan thing on and immediately said theres a heartbeat was just incredible. The scan itself was very brief, just long enough for her to say that there was only one baby there and that everything seemed fine. She did say it was the best picture she had got that day which was nice (although it has gone a little fuzzy when I have put it on to the computer) Got the date for my 20 week scan which is the 6th Oct which seems ages but is only in fact 9 weeks today. It still doesn't seem real though! Maybe as I start to show more and when I feel the baby I will believe it?!

Weekend was nice but I am pretty tired today. Friday after the scan S and I went into Lancaster and got some lunch in Fibber Magees (lovely but way too much) then we ended up meeting up with MS and two of his friends as they were in town. I had my opticians appointment at half 2 (my eyes have got worse and so has my stigmatism so much so that I now need special lenses) after that we met J to give her her scan picture and then went home and relaxed as I was tired and had somehow hurt my neck/shoulder in the night and it was annoying me. Saturday I had my driving lesson which was ok I went up towards Kendal and went on a duel carriageway and did 70 and overtaking which was scary! I think I am getting the hang of using my mirrors when I should although I am still not there yet. By the time I got back I litterally had 20 minutes to sort my stuff out to take to Liverpool before J picked me up to take me to the station as S was working all day for some extra cash. I was talking to J on the way to the station and she was so nice to me and said how happy she was that S and I are having the baby and gave me a hug and a kiss. I know she truly is made up and will love being a granny. I need to remember how well she means when I get annoyed sometimes as she does so much for us and is a truly genuine person and I react badly to her sometimes when I really shouldn't. I need to be more patient and let things go that are unimportant even if they annoy me as I get wound up over things that really don't matter. Some battles are worth fighting but others are not and I need to remember that and react more calmly/in a nicer way at times.

My train was delayed in Preston which was annoying so the whole journey took over 2 hours. I got to Liverpool about half 2 and E and I went for a drink in Costa before having a look round the shops. I do love Liverpool for shopping I don't know why I bother ever going anywhere else I should just always save my money and go there as they have everything and it is cheaper than anywhere else. I got some jogging pants and some t shirts in primark which will allow me room for my bump to grow. I will need some bigger trousers but until I have a proper bump I don't see the point in getting any.

After shopping we got the bus back to E's house and watched some tv and she made pasta for tea. We went to the cinema for 8:30 to watch Angus, thongs and perfect snogging which was really good. I know it is meant for teenage girls but we have both read the books and we like that kind of film anyway! I thought the story was great and not at all contrived and it was nice to see a totally British film for a change. We got home about quarter to 11 and had a brew with 2 of her housemates that were home and went to bed. Sunday we stayed in bed chatting for ages about our futures and stuff before getting ready to go for lunch with her new boyfriend. We decided to walk to the pub we were going to go to to have a look at the menu and see if it looked ok as we hadn't been before, it looked fine so when O (her boyfriend) arrived we all walked back (again) to it and had some lunch. The food was lovely a good variety and really cheap. It was nice to meet O and have a chat to him. He seems a genuine nice guy so hopefully things will keep going well for them as she seems really happy and positive at the moment and I know he has something to do with that. After the meal E dropped me off in Liverpool to get my train/bus home. I arrived in Lancaster about 5:15 and S picked me up and took me home. We had a lovely indian takeaway for tea and then it was bed time and I am still knackered today!

All in all I had a great time with my sister it was nice not to go on a night out but to just have a relaxing weekend and spend quality time together. I would still like to see her more often to be honest. Next weekend should be a good one as we are going to F&A's on Friday for P's birthday and my mum is coming down sunday which I am really really looking forward to. Just got to get through this week... Jxx