Feeling odd

I feel abit odd today. Half sick, half hungry half tired. Still feeling abit down and I don't know why. I don't feel close to S at all at the moment. I hardly see him as when he's at home he's working on the house (which I know needs to be done but he is the one pushing for it not me) When I do see him he sits on the other sofa or goes on the internet and we don't seem to talk anymore. He never asks me how I am or offers me any help with anything around the house. I'm starting to feel like he isn't even interested in me or the baby. I know that isn't true and I'm probably being over sensitive but thats how its coming across.

Weekend was ok. Thursday we went to Glasson Dock for tea and then went to the pub and did a very impossible pub quiz with MS and SB which actually turned out to be great fun. I've not laughed that much for ages. Friday night I went to F's and A came to ours to keep S company. It ended up being me, F, EG and two girls they went to school with who seemed nice. We had a good old chat about this and that and ate way way too many cakes. S picked me up about 12. Saturday we got up very late as S was so tired and just slept for ages. We went into town to try and find EG a birthday present. It wasn't a very successful trip to be honest I ended up getting her a voucher and printing off some photos to make a collarge. We had lunch in Varsity as its cheap but nice food and always quiet. Took the dogs out on the beach when we got back which was deserted as the weather looked worse than it was (very windy but still warm) The dogs had a good run and loved it. They slept all evening which was nice. Sunday I did nothing but clean and S plastered part of the babys room and hung the new boiler on the wall etc ect which basically took all day. That was it really.

We never ended up meeting L in town or going to the cinema as he'd broken up with K again and turned his phone off. I'm sick of him to be honest. It would have taken him 2 minutes to send us a text telling us what had happened but no he couldn't be bothered. Every time we try to arrange something with him he never rings us or changes his mind. He text this morning to apologise but I've not replied, he can get stuffed. He's just like all the rest of them, he only ever comes into work to see me so he can borrow my phone to ring his mum. I don't know whats wrong with S's family. Apart from his mum and dad they are all the same. They only bother with you when they want something. I'm begining to hate D and P. I know thats a strong word but I'm so sick of their attitude. They never speak to us, P has not once said congratulations or even spoken to me or S since she found out we were having the baby. She is not having anything to do with my child, she is not going to be its Auntie. I don't give a shit they might be related to us but they don't act like it. D is no brother to S.

Everything is stressing me out. I'm stressed out about money, I'm stressed out about having to start my driving again. I spoke to this woman J&B want me to go with and she seems very "peppy" (for want of a better word) I can see that she is going to be quite strict as well but maybe that is what I need? I've got my first lesson with her next Saturday at 9 which I'm not looking forward to as I know I have got out of the habbit of driving "correctly" and I'm worried she is going to think I am crap and criticise me. I know its just something I've got to get on with but gah I hate it all so much. Guess I'll just see how it goes after Saturday. Jxx

Sick and sad

I feel abit sick at the moment. I don't know whether it is morning sickness or not. I don't think I'll actually be sick I just keep heaving and feeling abit queasy. I am six weeks today I think and apparantly this is when sickness commonly starts so I don't know whether I am expecting to feel sick if you know what I mean.

I feel up and down emotionally at the moment as well. I have put weight on already (or else I am very bloated) as clothes I wore two weeks ago are now tight. I couldn't believe it last night when I was sorting out a load of my old clothes to go in the loft and trying things on and they are already too small. I don't want to be big and fat. I don't mind looking pregnant as thats to be expected obviously but I don't I've just got a fat stomach and legs. I feel stressed out thinking about money and all the things we've got to buy for the baby and do to his/her room and how we are going to afford them. S has just bought a new sander which has cost £140 which I'm quite annoyed about fair enough most of that was his money from cashing in his holidays but now we're having the baby everything is different and we need every penny. He seems to think he can just tell me he needs stuff and I have to find the money for it.

I have just also found out that the taxi for EG's birthday is leaving Lancaster at quarter to 7 next Sat which is just riddiculous. We will be in Blackpool by 8 which is way way too early we will all be bored by 12, and no where gets busy til atleast 10ish. Plus they aren't going to want to leave til 2 at the earliest so thats going to be 6 hours in Blackpool drinking which we can't afford and obviously I can't drink anyway. The taxi is meant to be £15 each but S and I would have to get a taxi to Lancaster and then pay the driver to take us home afterwards which is going to add another £10 atleast onto the bill. So I have decided I am going to drive. Iwas half thinking about it anyway but this has made my mind up for me. I am getting tired early at the moment and I don't want to be sat in a corner clock watching, wanting to go home but not being able too plus it will cost us £15 max in diesl instead of £40 that we just can't afford plus we can go later and meet them about 9/10ish. I have text EG to tell her (not the best form of communication but I wanted to do it asap) I will see her tomorrow night anyway I hope she is understanding about it as I do still want to come and celebrate her birthday everythings just different now I'm pregnant (which I know is not her fault but...). If everyone else has to pay an extra quid or so then I'm sorry but its tough or else they can find 2 more people. I'm not particularly looking forward to going to be honest, I mean I love Blackpool but I found it hard in Liverpool last week and I feel like a fat mess at the moment so I think I'm going to feel awkward compared to all the drunk thin girls I'm going with. I guess I just have to go with a positive attitude and remember to smile! F wants to go to Blackpool for her birthday in Oct and I think I will drive then as well to be honest. If I'm not drinking then I may as well really theres no reason not too.

Oh and it is chucking it down today and probably will all weekend so I think thats making me feel worse. I would really just liked to have stayed in bed today. We're going to Glasson Dock tonight which should be nice and it will be nice to see the girls tomorrow evening. I think I am going to take J&B up on their offer of driving as I know how useful it would be as I'm so sick of feeling trapped and having to rely on others. We shall see how it goes though I guess. Meant to be going the cinema on Saturday day with L&K so will see if that comes off. I feel like I need some quality time with S this weekend as we seem to be quite snappy and short tempered with each other this week as well as feeling like we've hardly seen each other. Hopefully things will get better over the weekend. Going to make my soup now as I'm starving. I'm so hungry all the time at the moment which I suspect is helping my expanding waistline....Jxx

What am I afraid of?

J and B have just been in to bring some cereal and showergel for S that they didn't have in Asda. When they got here they started asking me about my driving and what I was going to do. I told them that I wasn't going to be able to do anything about it as theres no way we can afford for me to do that driving course now that we're having the baby. Then they offered to pay for me to have lessons with this female driving instuctor that they know (somehow) as I'm going to be stuck once I have the baby if I can't drive. I know they are right and I should be grateful that they would offer to pay but I don't know if I can accept it. I mean if my mum and dad offered to pay until I passed then maybe I would but it could take me forever to pass and I don't really think they have the money. Plus then we would be as bad as D&P sponging off them when really it is up to us to sort ourselves out. Plus part of me hates having driving lessons and tests and I don't want to go through that again even though I know I will have to one day if I want to be able to drive. I don't know, I get myself so worked up about driving and I don't know if its worth it or if I should just get on with it and do it until I pass. I keep making excuses like I don't want to go with someone new, I don't want to have to learn in a new car, I can't take any more time off work...but are they just excuses? Maybe a different instructor will be better for me and will keep me more focussed? Maybe I would be able to be better and I would pass? I do need to drive don't I? Otherwise I will be stuck in Heysham with a baby relying on buses and people to come and pick me up. God I don't know what to do I hated my driving tests so much I know I should just keep going until I pass but its such a horrible feeling failing I don't want to have to keep going through it. I feel sick just thinking about it. Jxx

So bored

Completely bored at work at the moment as the engineer is away so I don't have all his invoices etc to deal with, plus things are always more quiet during the summer months anyway. All I seem to be doing is sitting about trying to find things to look at on the internet. J and D have gone to a funeral this afternoon and have had to close the shop so I am on my own. I don't have to look busy or anything but I hate sitting about doing nothing. I like to have enough work to just tide me over each day. It makes me so unmotivated and lazy just sitting here messing about on the net. I supose I should be glad I'm not stressed but I just wish I wasn't quite so bored!

Have found a car on the internet that looks quite promising although they won't give us what we'd like for the van so we have to either sell the van privately first or somehow borrow some money from somewhere to make up the difference. Realistically we can't borrow the money so I think we will have to advertise the van and sell it before trying to buy a car. I hate trying to sell vehicles! Its so much hassle. We have got 9 months to get a car though although I think S would like to swap it before the mot etc is due in Aug.

Body conditioning was ok last night although the class was so busy. I think becuase summer is approaching (haha) people are trying to get toned/fitter. Alot of people come for a few weeks and then disappear though. I have been going since February now and I am proud that I have stuck at it even though it kills me at times and I cannot describe how much I hate lunges haha. Going to homebase tonight to get some gloss paint for the woodwork (great not) but the kitchen is so close to being finished its brilliant. As soon as thats done its on to the spare/baby's room. We have ordered the boiler so thats the next job. Wednesday I have body conditioning again, Thursday we are going to S's mums for tea as MS is going to Glasson Dock so we thought we'd go down and see him and J & B as they are being really nice at the moment so I want to make the effort. Friday I am going to F's for tea and cakes and a girly evening which will be fun. No plans for the weekend except going into Lancaster to get EG's birthday present. I'm not sure what to get her maybe a voucher for somewhere and some little bits? So skint now that we are saving for the baby, its difficult. Jxx

Realisation

I think it has just hit me over the last day or two that things will never be the same again. This is the end of life as S and I know it and although we are happy about it it is still scary. Never again will I be able to be totally selfish and do whatever I want to do when I want to do it, there will always be the baby to think of and put first. Whenever we want a night out or to go for a meal or to someones house we will have to take the baby or arrange a babysitter. I will always be worrying about the baby when I'm not with it, whether they are ok, happy, ill etc etc. I worry enough about leaving the dogs (especially when they go into kennels) so I will worry about a baby even more. I do think we are ready for the change as we both want to be a family and to do family things and I think we will cope it is just something totally new and I know that everything will be different. Whats bothering me even more than realising that our lives will totally change though is that I am so worried that something will be wrong.

I'm so scared of losing this baby. I don't know why I should but I can't stop thinking that we have been too optimistic by telling people and making plans and that somehow we have cursed ourselves and something is going to go wrong. I don't feel pregnant or think that I have any proper symptoms and no way of knowing if it is growing right and is ok. I keep getting stomach pains on and off, I need to drink more and I need the toilet all the time but I don't have any sickness or anything (which is good but then its making me worry) I just want to fast forward in time til I'm past 14 weeks and then I hope I will feel better. I'm scared of having a scan and them not being able to find anything or for it to have stopped growing, then I'm scared that something could still be wrong with it. I feel quite down today imagining all the things that could go wrong. I want to enjoy being pregnant but switch between thinking that I have made it all up to that something is wrong. I have got all summer to wait until I have a scan/get past 14 weeks and I don't want to spend the time stressing but I don't know what else I can do. Sometimes I think reading things on the internet makes me feel worse as there is so much conflicting infomation and if you believe it all you should be wrapped in cotton wool and not leave the house for 9 months. Ahhh I wish I didn't feel so sad today. It doesn't help that I am alone in the office as JB is off so J is covering the shop. I hate being on my own in here sometimes it makes me feel isolated and vulnerable especially as we can't get to anybody this week so everyone that comes in/rings up will be annoyed.

My weekend was ok, we walked the dogs on Saturday morning then S dropped me at the station to go and spend 24 hours in Liverpool with my sister which was brief but good. I met her from work at 5 and then we had tea in the pub down the road from her which was delicious and so cheap. We went back to her's to get ready whilst she drank some wine and then we went into Liverpool about 11. We ended up just going to Lloyds and staying there as town was heaving and we couldn't be bothered faffing about queuing to go to different places. The music was ok although they played abit too much R&B for my liking. It was odd being sober although I got into it more as the night went on. I found it harder to dance and the drunk people got on my nerves. All these drunk men kept trying to dance with my sister and hug her and stuff and she wasn't interested but they wouldn't leave her alone. She ended up having to be rude to them just to get them to go away. It really bugs me why do some men think that girls on a night out are looking to pull? We clearly were not interested not even looking at them or dancing to them or anything yet they think its appropriate to come up and start mauling you? Why can't people accept that we go out just to dance and thats it? It made me really mad as they spoilt our night. I don't mind when people chat to you at the bar or when you are sitting down but who gives them the right to come up and start touching you? Its so disrespectful. Anyway, we left about half 1 as both of us were tired and didn't want to stay out any later. I think I'll get used to not drinking and if those lads hadn't been bothering us I think I would have found it easier to dance/been less self conscious. We are going to Blackpool in 2 weeks for EG's birthday but there will be quite a few of us so I think it will be a good laugh plus F doesn't really drink so I won't be left out. I have realised that I hate being drunk anyway, I have always liked having a few drinks but once I get passed a certain stage I'm no good. I supose atleast pregnancy gives me an excuse!

On Sunday I walked E to work then had a look around the new Liverpool 1 (big, not totally finished yet) then went in Primark as I had 50 minutes to kill before my train. I ended up buying some baby clothes in Primark as they were so cheap and I don't know when I'll next be there although as soon as I'd done it I began to berate myself as its so early on and if something goes wrong it will make it even worse.... Ahh I just want it to be real! S met me at Lancaster station when I got back and we went for a meal at the Penny St Bridge (used to be the Farmers Arms) It is lovely inside and the menu has a good choice although I didn't think the food was cooked as well as it could be and wasn't exactly as described but it was still enjoyable. It was good to sit and talk to S as well as I hadn't seen him all weekend. Sunday night we just sat in and watched tv as it was blowing a gale outside although it does seem better today. Got body conditioning tonight and then I'll be watching Britains next top model and chilling. I can't believe its Monday already. Jxx

Random Friday Five

* I am having a baby in 35 more weeks (hopefully)
* We have sold our old cooker to one of S's mums ladies for £30 which will come in useful.
* I am starting to feel queasy around tea time
* I have no idea what clothes to take to Liverpool as the weather seems to be unable to make up its mind whether its going to be sunny or rainy.
* I have finished all my work and have an hour and 40 minutes left to kill....

Jxx

Starving

I'm so hungry and I don't know if its because I am pregnant or if I am just using that as an excuse. I really really do not want to put loads of weight on durring this pregnancy. I know I will obviously put some one but everyone keeps telling me not to eat for two and to try to be sensible otherwise I'll regret it later. I don't feel pregnant at all. I have stomach ache but thats about it. S was trying to make me do the other test last night to "check" and I was like there's no point I know it said I am! Bit weird though as anything could have happened and until I get to have my first scan and see that everythings alright I don't really know. Got my first midwife appointment 2 weeks tomorrow so we will see what happens from there. Went to body conditioning last night and told my instructor as I definitely want to keep going. She said I will be fine but to tell her if it starts to get too much and I can modify some of the exercises. Had loads of people on facebook guessing from my status and wishing me congratulations. L crawled out of the woodwork to ask me about it but I ignored it, F knew she would try to speak to me if she thought I was pregnant and she was right. There is no way I am starting to be friends with her again as I am not being drawn into her stupid baby competitions. She has hardly spoken to me in the last 2 years and I'm not about to start now. I have F and Lc to turn to for baby advice and I don't need her.

Going to see my sister on Saturday which will be nice but a flying visit as she doesn't finish work til 5pm and she's back at work at 12 on the sunday plus I obviously won't be able to drink! Still we are going to have a look round the new Liverpool 1 after work and get some tea out then we are still going on a night out although I will be sober which will be interesting. I hope I can still have a good time. I'm sure I can it will just be odd. I can't wait to see her anyway which is what matters. Jxx

Its true

Yes its true I am pregnant. I did a test last night from Asda and it started to change within 30 seconds to positive. I couldn't believe it even though I had thought it, I was convinced that I was convincing myself. I phoned my mum and dad straight away as I knew if I left it I wouldn't do it. My mum was happy my dad was ok although I kind of suspected his reaction would be like that. I'm hoping he will come round more as time goes on. F and A are over the moon as is my sister which is really nice. S's family seem to be fine about it but I expected that. Told J&D this morning and they have been fine which is a relief. It doesn't seem real to be honest I woke up this morning and thought I'd made it all up. S is happy about it and I am, although it will be tight with money for a while. I think I am more shocked than anything I never expected to get pregnant so easily (which is a blessing of course). I have worked out I am 5 weeks on Friday so I should be due around Feb 20th (all the best people are born in Feb haha).

Its funny at first when I was late I was praying I would come on and analysing every stomach twinge for period pain. Now every time I get a slight pain in my stomach I start panicking as as soon as I knew for definite I was pregnant that was it - we want this baby so much. 1 in 3 pregnancies ends in miscarriage and because it is so early anything could happen. I hope we are going to be ok. I just can't believe it I'm still so shocked that in 9 months time we will have a baby. Fucking hell. It just shows you can't plan everything! Jxx

Avoidance tactics

I'm still avoiding whether or not I might be pregnant. I keep thinking that it must be all in my head and when I wake up in the morning it seems like a crazy dream. But I am not stressing about it anymore so if it was worrying that was putting it off then surely it would be here by now and I have not been late since before I went on the pill when I was 15. Reading pregnancy message boards other people seem to be having symptoms already which is another thing that makes me think that I'm not. Although if I am pregnant then I will only be about 2 weeks as I know exactly when it will have happened so maybe it is too early to have any symptoms. I do have stomach cramps though on and off but then that could be anything. It is such an odd feeling I ate some pate before and then thought shit I shouldn't be eating this if I am, I have drunk a couple of times as well (not since I thought I might be) and I will be drinking in Liverpool on Saturday if I'm not so I obviously need to know before then. I think part of me is frightened to have it confirmed either way. If I do a test and it comes up negative then why am I late and if it is positive then everything changes. I feel like I am keeping such a huge secret from everyone when really it might be nothing. I have text my sister to tell her my suspicions in order to try and guage her reaction in case I am. I hope she would be pleased but I don't know. I know it doesn't matter what other people think but I want my mum and dad and E to be happy about it. If I am pregnant then there is no question of us not having it, it will just be abit of a shock. I have just finished reading a book (conincidently or ironicallly haha) about a woman who is pregnant and it hasn't made pregnancy sound very appealing at all. I never wanted to be pregnant, to put weight on or any of the other health issues and I never wanted to give birth. I think the stork should bring you a baby! So hardly relishing this prospect but I do want a baby with S and it may not be as bad as I think....I hope. I'm going to Asda tonight shopping so I will get a test then and be done with it and we shall see. Jxx

Waiting and wondering

I have this very odd feeling that I might be pregnant. I shouldn't be and I don't feel any different than I usually do but I am now 4 days late and I am never late. We had been using protection but then I had worked out when my safe days were from my cycle so we weren't using anything then and had been doing this for a few months with no problems. This month we were one day off being safe but I honestly did not think it would mke a difference. I mean it can take people months to get pregnant and techinically it shouldn't have been possible. I had all the usual pre-menstural symptoms and was expecting to start on Friday but nothing. I have been analysing everything since then and kept expecting to start with the pain that I get on the first day but still nothing. I have had stomach ache on and off but its not the same kind of pain, my stomach is bloated but that is it. I am not sure if I am worrying for nothing but as the weekend went on I got more and more worked up and upset. I didn't know if I was late because I was stressed or just a coincidence or something else....

We have not had a particularly good weekend as Friday (13th?!) was busy and stressful in work then I got home to a letter from Virgin saying that they are putting my credit card interest rate up astronomically once my interest free period runs out which I am not happy about, tried to speak to them about it but they wouldn't budge and I can't transfer the balance as it is more than my other card (by 4 grand...) So I was worried about money, then we went to LS's 30th on Saturday and that was a waste of time and money. We got to Manchester about 2:30pm having dropped the dogs off at the Kennels and popped into Lancaster for some lunch and from the second we got there we just felt like we were in the way. I ended up going with LS and her brother to pick some bits up for the party and help out but I just felt totally awkward as they hardly spoke to me. When we got back there was no where for us to get ready as they have a 2/3 bedroomed house and they were busy getting the kids ready, getting themselves ready, popping to see their neighbours etc so we were left totally to our own devices. When we got to the party we weren't introduced to anybody and ended up sitting on our own for the whole night. Fair enough it is difficult when you have a party and you can't spend time with everybody but they basically abandoned us and did not come and speak to us once, I was only expecting abit of common curtesy but we got nothing. We couldn't even be bothered drinking and were just counting the hours til we could leave. Because we were staying at their house we had to stay til the end (12pm) then LS decided to go out afterwards with some friends so we ended up getting all her presents and cards and the kids and JS and taking them home. By this time we were so fed up we decided to just drive hme rather than staying the night so we left about quarter to 2 and got home about 3ish. It was such a waste of time and effort and we were made to feel uncomfortable. I don't think we will go and see them again to be honest. Sunday we got the dogs and then tidied the back yard up. We didn't want to go out anywhere because Bailey had a poorly tummy and wasn't himself so we didn't want to leave him.

So that was the weekend. To be fair this has been dominating my thoughts so I supose I wouldn't have had that good a weekend anyway. At first I was absolutely panicking what with the virgin thing and the fact that we can't afford a baby as we need to have saved up money to cover my wages whilst I am off. I was thinking that we would have to ask my parents for money which I would hate as it makes us seem unorganized and careless and childish and I don't want them to think that. But then because I needed to do something practical instead of worrying myself silly I looked at the money situation again last night and have worked out a way that we could save up enough. It would mean being very tight with money and taking our holidays from work as cash rather than time off but it is doeable...I only told S last night as I didn't want to worry him uneccessarily as I kept expecting I would come on. He doesn't seem fazed by it at all and I actually think he might like it if I was... Now I know that we could manage I know longer feel so worried about the whole situation, it isn't a great time for us to have a baby but it is possible and we would manage. Whilst I wanted to wait til this time next year if it has happened now then thats what is meant to be. Part of me wants to know and the other part thinks that maybe I am making it all up and I am just late for no reason. If for whatever reason it is a false alarm then I will stop complaining about money as being in this situation has made me realise what we actually need money for and it isn't meals/nights out and clothes and how we could manage on much less than we do. I guess I should do a test but I'm putting it off for some reason. I will update when I know something......Jxx

Rant about work

I am pissed off at work at the moment. Not with what I am actually doing as to be fair I am still reasonably busy however the people here are doing my head in. J has really been bugging me this week she has been in a bad mood since Monday and is snapping at everyone. The main thing that has really been getting to me if her unprofessionalism regarding the shop. When we first moved here and got the shop she used to be keen on it and to enjoy working in it and ordering things for it. Now she seems to hate it, everytime anyone has to ask her if we have something in stock, or to order something or whether they can go for their dinner she huffs and puffs like it is such an inconvienience. She is making it impossible for anyone to take holidays because she does not want to cover yet she decided to have the shop in the first place! 2 members of staff have a problem with each other and its escalating and if it was me I would have got them together when it started and sorted it out but oh no she doesn't want to deal with it so it just goes on and on with them sniping at each other and to another member of staff who is then offloading it on me. If it was my business I would sort it out but it isn't and therefore I can't.

She doesn't really do anything on the plumbing side at all any more as I do it all yet she won't let me have the schedules on my computer for the other lads I only have the one engineers which is stupid since I book all the work in so I'm constantly stretching across to her desk to book work in. She won't let K do the ordering for the shop even though she makes a big thing about doing it. Its like she won't relinguish control but she doesn't want to do it either. She is always making excuses to go out and not come back for ours, half the time it is blatantly obvious that she does not want to be here. Sometimes I wish she would just do 3 days a week or something but she won't because then it will be obvious that she isn't/wasn't doing much. If she is sat here 5 days a week on the computer then it looks like she is busy even if she isn't. If she wasn't here D would go off his head as he thinks everyone should work 50+ hours a week like him and he would think she was not pulling her weight or something so she stays here and looks busy. I am so frustrated at the moment, we are expected to be dedicated and not to take holidays and stuff and its just taking the piss. Jxx

Wishlist (some realistic some not)

* To be able to drive (on my own) and to have a car to drive (either a Fiesta or a BMW 1 series)
* For all the work on the house to be finished
* To spend more time with S
* Some nice gym clothes
* Chris Brown album
* Professional hair extensions
* Going out tops
* To loose weight and be more toned
* A little excitment
* To get on better with D&P (and all of S's family really)
* To be happier in general
* For the sunshine to last
* A longline fitted cardigan

Jxx

In the last few days I have purchased.....

Bleach denim hot pants from Topshop,
A blue vest top, a white sleeveless long top and black flat pumps from River Island,
This t shirt and skirt from Boohoo















These bags from Asos















& 2 t shirts and 2 pairs of long shorts for S from M&M.

God knows why I have bought them as I should be using the money towards the kitchen but I have wanted that skirt for ages and as we have finally had some sunny weather I thought it would be a nice summer outfit (with the vest top and shoes). S needed some new shorts and I love all the stuff on M&M plus it makes me feel better for buying myself something if I get him something as well! I have needed new black and white bags for ages and I have bought about 3 or 4 cheap bags over the years which haven't lasted so I thought sod it I will pay a little bit more and get one that lasts. I already have the black one in tan so I know that it is nice/good quality etc.


I love shopping online at the moment I think it is because I don't often get the chance to go shopping in town as S doesn't have the patience and it is always so busy at the weekend. I have come to the conclusion that I need something to entertain me and to cheer me up (especially at work) I either crave the attention of others or I can drool over pretty clothes, shoes and bags. I think that shopping is the lesser of the two evils so at the moment I have embraced it as my vice! If it keeps me away from other men and drugs then I can kind of justify it as ok....I am trying to make sensible purchases though and not just impulse buy. I don't just buy something straight away I find things I want then compare prices at different places and weigh up what I would wear it with, how useful it will be etc. For cheap fashion fixes I tend to go for Boohoo as although the quality isn't very good they are cheap and are ok for going out etc. For good quality basics I love River Island although the rest of their things are too expensive for me. For denim I'm loving Topshop at the moment and I don't mind paying more as the fit is good and they last. Not too impressed with New Look at the moment their prices seem to be on a par with River Island almost and is no where near as nice. Miss Selfridge I really like for one off things although again they are not that cheap. Asos is good for style ideas although I find the quality quite hit and miss for the price. Jxx

Summer?

The weather has been stunning the last few days, beautifully sunny and warm. I really hope it stays like this as it makes me feel so much better when the sun is shining. Atleast the weather has been better than last year already!

Weekend was ok. Friday night MS and A came to our house then we got a taxi to The Borough to meet F,A and K. I ended up wearing my red and white spotted top and indigo jeans although I could have worn womething smarter as the others were more dressed up than me! I just can't seem to get it right recently. The meal was lovely it was definitely a good place to go, the atmosphere was nice and cosy and the food was great. Everyone said how much they enjoyed it. After the meal K went home as she had work in the morning and the rest of us went into town. We went to a few different pubs and then went home about half 1 I think. MS and A stayed at ours and we didn't end up going to bed til 4 as we were all talking and stuff. It was a good night in that everyone got on so well even though A had never met any of them and MS had only met them briefly, everyone made an effort and we all had a good laugh together but I think Lancaster just disappoints me. It was quite quiet and I wasn't impressed with the music, no where seems to play the kind of music that I like (chart, dance, 80's etc.) The best place we went to was Hustle, I wanted to go to The Revolution but we didn't make it up that far. I don't know why I bother to keep going out there when I know it is never as good as I hope it will be. D and P didn't come as we didn't remind them and D rang us just as we were arriving and said he thought it was Saturday we were going which was a total lie as he knew it was Friday but whatever we didn't want P there and if he couldn't be bothered to make an effort for his own brother then screw him.

The next day S and I went to Arnside for LC's belated birthday lunch in this nice pub with her, some people she works with and F, A, baby D and EG. That was ok although the roads to get there were so twisty that I felt sick by the time we got there, S was actually sick although I think that was more to do with his hangover. I ended up driving home from Carnforth as he was being sick in the van again. When we got in we went back to bed as we had had only 5 hours sleep and S felt poorly. When we woke up again it was evening and we ended up watching some rubbush tv and going back to bad. So Saturday was pretty much a dead loss which I was annoyed about as it was such a gorgeous day. Sunday we went into Lancaster to get a present for LS as we are going to her 30th birthday party in Manchester on Saturday and staying over. We had lunch in Varsity (my new favourite place to eat) and I got some denim shorts in topshop however when I tried them on at home they were too tight. I could not believe it as they are a ten and the last 2 pairs of jeans I have bought have been size ten from topshop and have been fine.

Somehow in the last week or so I have put on a load of weight. Half my clothes are too tight around the waist and legs. I can't wear my black cropped jeans anymore and even my work pants are feeling tight. I didn't think I had been eating that much more than I should be obviously it has been enough to make me put weight on. I have ordered some shorts in size 12 online but I am on a strict diet again as I need to stop this before it gets worse. It is making me miserable and I'm not going to start down that road again... Jxx

Thoughts...

• It is nearly home time.
• I am cooking pasta with bacon, cheese and courgette tonight (from the sainsburys adverts) and I am looking forward to it.
• I have been to body conditioning twice this week and used heavier handweights last night. I have now progressed to an actual weighted bar and the next set of handweights up (to those I started with) so I must have improved abit (even though I feel fat at the moment)
• S will hopefully be laying the rest of the kitchen floor tonight which might finally stop the horrendous dust problem we have. I am so sick of sweeping the lounge floor everyday!
• It is Friday tomorrow and we are going out for S's birthday.
• I have no idea what to wear tomorrow. I can't afford anything new so my first thought was white cropped jeans with my black low cut top as I don't want to be over dressed as its Lancaster. Then I wondered about the black top with either my shorts or a knee length skirt however I don't really want to wear a low cut top and shorts especially not as we are going for a meal first and maybe I will look too dressy in the skirt. I would rather cover my legs than my chest as I prefer my chest so I think I need to stick with the top and then something longish on my bottoms but I don't know what else?
• We have a baby crow in our office at the moment. J rescued it from the road as it can't fly or feed itself yet. We have been hand feeding it cat food and maggots (gross) and it has perked right up. Hopefully she will be able to release it when it can feed itself/fly.
• I hope tomorrow night goes well and isn't a let down. I'm trying not to look forward to it too much as I think a lot of people are just going to come and go, but hopefully it should be a good laugh and the meal will be nice....

Jxx

Soundtrack to my life (from my ipod)

A rand om selection of tracks taken to go with the following scenes:

Opening - Over and over again (Hardcore)
Waking up - Piece of heaven (Wigan Pier)
1st day at school - Gotta be you (Sugababes)
Falling in love - Turn the tide (Wigan Pier)
Fight song - How low can you go (Bounce Heaven)
Breaking up - Millonaire (Kellis)
Prom - Silver lining (David Gray)
Life's ok - Future Boy (Wigan Pier)
Mental Breakdown - I wanna fly away (Dj Daddy)
Driving - Don't stop moving (Living Joy)
Flashback - Since you been gone (Kelly Clarkson)
Back together - Before tomorrow (Eclipse)
Wedding - Real shy (Crush on)
Final Battle - Is it cos I'm cool (Mousse T)
Death - Skin deep (Natasha Thomas)
Funeral - Waiting for a star to fall (Boy meets Girl)
End - 2 hearts (Sugababes)

Bit random really, it would probably have made more sense if 75% of the music I listen to wasn't bounce, hardcore or trance!

Weeks going slowly as usual. I've got a lot to do at work having been off but as usual I just can't get motivated. It was S's birthday yesterday and we went for a meal at the Globe with J & B and D. The meal was nicer than I expected actually I'm not sure if they've got a new cheff there or something cos although the menu was the same the portions were much smaller and better presented/cooked. P didn't come as although she and D have made up she thought it would be awkward hmmm. We are going out on Friday for S's birthday with all our friends and we had invited D as we felt sorry for him being on his own with P not talking to him however now that they are friends again I hope he doesn't come as P won't let him go on his own and she is definitely not invited. She has spoilt too many birthdays with her attitude and she doesn't know/like our friends and I just don't want her there. To be honest I don't even really get on with D that well these days so its prob best if neither of them come. Its not like they can afford it anyway. I wish this week would hurry up, its bad I've only been back 3 days and I'm sick of it already.... Jxx

Selfish

I really am a selfish person at times. I think most people are to be honest although generally people hide it and try to make out that they're not but ultimately most of us make decisions and act in a certain way that meets our needs rather than other peoples. I am selfish because I have always been about getting what I wanted no matter whether I should or not and no matter who I hurt. I want to be happy and I put my desires and needs above S's and other peoples. Even though I have a lovely husband and home and more than enough belongings, money etc I always want more. I want other people to think I am attractive, I want people to compliment me and flirt with me yet I just want the attention I don't want it to go any further. I don't know why I think so little of myself that I need attention from other people to somehow validate me. Of course I don't get attention from other people (quite rightly) as I am married therefore I am down and snappy because I think I am ugly and that no one fancies me any more. For gods sake could I be any more shallow or petty? I don't know why I am like this it is so stupid but somehow I need to be complimented and made to feel special in order to be happy with myself. I know S loves me but he doesn't flirt with me or tell me I look nice and thats what I miss, the feeling that you get when you first meet someone, the chemistry and the messing about.

I haven't posted much the last few days as we have been off work what with the bank holiday and then our time off. Can't be bothered going into great detail about everything so heres a summary:

Sat - Went to Glasson Dock to get ready for MS's 21st. Got dropped off at Old Nells pub and got the minibus at 4pm. There was me, S, MS, and MS's friends L, A, K and G (1 lad, 3 girls) we got the taxi to MS's mums in Wigan where she had done a buffet and then we went to the pub his sister worked at to start drinking about 6 then into Wigan town about 8. It was an interesting night for several reasons, we were a random group of people who just all knew MS although we all got on fine after a few drinks. S drank too much and wouldn't listen to me when I asked him to slow down. L is a nightmare he means well but he is really gobby and argumentative and tried to pick fights with everyone, people start on him because of how he looks/acts so basically someone was having to babysit him all night in order to make sure that he didn't get into trouble. Wigan itself was ok for a night out although I can't say I'd be rushing back. MS had a good night though which was the main thing. The only other good point was that I was drinking wine and lemonade all night and did not end up too drunk or ill so that is my drink of choice from now on.
Sun - Woke up at S's mums, I felt fine but S felt sick. I had to drive the van to pick the dogs up and then home as he couldn't face it. He threw up in the van which was nice, not. When we got home he went to bed and I tidied the house/van up. That was it for the rest of the day.
Mon - I went to body conditioning in the morning as it was on then instead of at night. We went to the Horns for some dinner, the service was rubbish and they've changed the menu so I was disappointed. S worked on the kitchen.
Tues - Worked.
Weds - Got up at 6 to go to Alton Towers. We got lost in Stoke as the directions were rubbish. Finally got there about half ten. The weather had been awful on the way down but stopped raining when we got into the park which was good. It was busyish but no where near as bad as it could have been conisdering it was half term. We went on Nemesis, Air, Rita, Charlie & the chocolate factory, Oblivion and Submission. I think Oblivion is still the scariest. The longest we queued was an hour for Rita so that wasn't too bad really. We left at 4 as we were knackered and thought we might miss the traffic but there was an accident on the motorway so we didn't get home til 7.
Thurs - S and I went to the tip to get rid of all the rubbish in the back yard then S worked on the kitchen and F&K came round to see me and we took Baby D and Bailey out for a long walk along the sea front as it was a sunny day. S and I went to Focus to buy a bbq. At night I went to see Sex and the City the film with F, K, M and M's friend E. I was not expecting to enjoy the film as much as I did it was fantastic and I will definitely buy it when it comes out. S and D had a bbq at home as P was still not talking to him so he came to ours to get away.
Fri - We waited for the cooker to be delivered then went to Wales to see my dad. We took him to the cinema to see the new Indiana Jones film (pretty good) then he took us to Frankie & Bennys for tea. Was nice to see him although I am concered about him and his leg still. He has a scan next week I think so hopefully they will find out what is wrong with him and start to treat it.
Sat - I took the boys out for a long walk as it was a beautiful day and S was working on the kitchen. Then D came round to use our internet as he couldn't work out why he didn't have as much money in the bank as he should and it turns out that P had taken a load of cash out to spend on coke we think (surprise surprise) so they aren't talking again, she's threatening divorce bla bla bla. S and I tidied the back yard as we decided to have a bbq at night. Although we asked a few people it was short notice and in the end just J&B and D came round. Two friends of D came round for abit but they brought their baby which was abit of a pain with the dogs plus we don't really know them so they didn't end up staying long. After J and B went we sat inside and had a few more drinks then I went to bed.

Thats pretty much it really. It has been nice to be off although we have spent a fortune on nothing. Mainly diesel (to go to AT and Wales) and food/alcohol for the bbq etc. I have seen a lovely playsuit in Topshop that I want and can't afford as well as a skirt in Boohoo and I want some denim shorts... I don't know why as I don't need any of these things but I have seen them and because I can't afford them I want them. But we have NO money and there's still a few bits to get to finish the kitchen off so that has to be a priority. I know part of me only wants to buy them to try and make myself feel better but whats the point I'll get them and it won't work, no one will think I look nice, I won't think I look nice so I have just wasted the money for nothing....

I am going to body conditioning tomorrow and weds as I have been a pig over this week off and I feel fat and horrible. It is S's birthday on tuesday and we are going for a meal with his family which could be interesting depending on whether or not D and P have made up or not. Friday we are going for a meal at The Borough with F, A, K and MS and then town afterwards which I hope is ok and S doesn't drink too much or throw a strop and want to go home. We shall see. Right I'm off to make a brew now and vaccuum the front room floor as it is covered in dog hairs. Jxx