Lets talk about sex....

Or not as the case may be. I don't really talk about it much as for some reason even at 24 it makes me feel awkward. I know a lot has to be with my upbringing and the fact that my parents don't talk about it either. We never discussed it in our house I remember asking my mum about where babies come from when I was maybe 5 or 6 and she told me it was a special cuddle between a man and a woman, somehow I assumed that this meant kissing and consequently every time I watched James Bond films after that (my dad and I always used to watch them together) and 007 was kissing a bond girl I would wonder why they didn't have a baby! So funny now when I think about it. I was about 7 when a girl at school told me what really happened and I never asked my parents about it again and they never brought it up. I was not allowed boyfriends to stay over until I was 18 and living with them (D) and even now I would never discuss anything to do with sex with them (just as I would never swear in front of them). My sister has a marginally more open relationship with our mum in that she talks to her about being on the pill but that is it. I put myself on the pill at 15 as I was terrified that I would get pregnant and I was with M so I had a regular partner. E and I talk about things between our selves these days but even then it is almost tinged with embarassment.

In some ways I am a contradiction when it comes to sex I was always one for showing off about what I'd done with whom, sleeping with different people and doing things that others wouldn't yet in my heart I was never particularly interested in it and never got any pleasure out of it. Sex to me was performing, keeping your partner happy and that was it. I know quite a few people I have been with have made comments that I was good in bed and I believe they meant it (not because I think I am, but because I went all out to do whatever they wanted) but the only pleasure I got from those situations was knowing that I had satisfied them and that they wanted me. It used to baffle me girls going on about sex and how much they wanted it and enjoyed it when to be honest I could take it our leave it, yet ironically I think the longest I've been without it is a month between splitting up with M and getting with D, so thats 5 weeks in 10 years. I used sex as a tool to get people to like me and to want me even though they did not respect me for it but to me being wanted was better than being ignored.

I think one of the reasons I love S so much is that he has never put pressure on me. With everyone else I have ever known if they wanted sex then they wanted it and unless I specifically said no they would have it. They never noticed whether I was happy or enjoying it or not. Maybe I was such a good actress but to be honest I don't think they cared. S has never done that not once in 4 years even at the begining when we weren't even together and I was pulling out all the stops for him as it were. He does not get into bed every night and expect sex he has never complained if we haven't had it for a week or two and he always does it for me. He is incredably unselfish in that respect and I love him for it. I don't have to perform I can just be me and it is enough.

I still have problems though in that I cannot seem to align sex with love. I love S therefore we make love and if I do not love someone with have dirty sex and I do whatever they want. I can't seem to have wild sex with S because I love him and I'm too close to him. I can't think about myself having sex either, if I think about S then it is with someone else (weird I know) it is like I am embarassed of myself. But if it was with someone I didn't care about then I could do anything they wanted (although not necessarily enjoy it) I don't know why I do it. I can't seem to let go. I want to because I want to be less inhibited and it seems wrong to feel this way. God I have some issues don't I? Jxx

Men

What is it with some men I know thinking that if you're feeling down all you need is sex to make you feel better? I'm not talking about S here but 2 people who I used to know/was involved with years ago who both text me/spoke to me on facebook yesterday and after a brief how are you opener tried to shift the conversation onto something else. I mean for gods sake its all very well having a joke and a flirt with somebody but that was way too much, I'm married, and I'm clearly not in the mood to be all happy and jokey so why do you think I want to help you get yourself off?! I don't know why I can't have normal male friends who just want to talk to me as a person rather than thinking that they can use me as some kind of chat up line. I used to speak to my driving instructor loads and he used to be a good friend to me but he hasn't answered a single one of my texts since I stopped having lessons so either he's lost his phone (unlikely) or he's pissed off and is now ignoring me for some reason. MS usually talks to me and texts me but he's stopped the past few days and I only see CF when he calls in at the shop although he has broken up with his girlfriend now so I may see him abit more.

Last night all our electric went off as the main fuse blew so we had to get an engineer out to change it. I was in a stress as I was about to get in the shower when it went off and then we were told it might take 3 hours to get someone to us. To Norwebs credit they had an engineer to us in an hour who sorted the problem in ten minutes which was a relief. We also ended up watching a film called the Waterhorse that we had borrowed from MJ at work. Really enjoyed it actually, I wasn't particullarly bothered about seeing it but once we put it on we were both engrossed. Made me feel abit sad at the end though thinking about when Bailey and Arnie won't be here any more. I don't know why I was quite maudlin last night thinking about death and loosing people I love. Hopefully now the full moon is over I will go back to normal! This week is going so slowly I can't believe it is only wednesday, still its a bank holiday weekend and then we are only in tuesday next week as we are going to Alton Towers on weds and then we're off thurs and fri as well which should be good hope the weather is nice. Body conditioning tonight but my arm muscles (triceps?) are hurting so I will be taking it abit easy. Jxx

Miserable

Feel even more down today even though I haven't got any reason to. I just feel lonely and that no one is talking to me or cares how I feel even though I know this isn't true. I have lovely friends and a lovely husband and yet I'm sulking away like a spoilt child because no one has rung me or text me or facebooked me recently. It is supposed to be a full moon tonight and I always seem to get irritable/emotional around this time so I wonder if this is anything to do with it? I hope it goes away soon or else I feel like staying in bed until I feel happier.

Work is abit crap, a couple of people have hung up on me today which I could have done without. I am busy for a change but I just can't get motivated instead I am idling around on the net looking at things I'm not even interested in. Everything I do seems to be half hearted at the moment, I have no energy and I'm not putting any effort into anything.

I went to body conditioning on my own last night, I couldn't be arsed but I was glad I went. The class was quieter than the wednesday one and I really pushed myself with a heavy bar. My shoulders and arms hurt abit today but not dreadfully so thats not too bad. Just hope they are abit better by tomorrows class. Somehow I enjoyed going almost as if I am punishing myself yet it makes me feel better. I do want to get fitter and more toned. I can cope with the class better than when I first started and I know what I am doing now with the moves and stuff which shows some improvement I guess. Jxx

Feeling sad

I feel quite sad/weird at the moment. I'm not sure when it started as I have been bored for the past week or so (at work and at home) and then after another fairly boring weekend I'm feeling quite down today but I don't really know why.

We had a pretty good time at K's party although we were rushing to get there as we didn't get in from work until half 6, then S drank too much (vodka shots are lethal) and we went home at 12 after getting him to eat a takeaway to sober up. I did enjoy myself however I still felt the night was cut short as one minute he was ok and then he wasn't plus we spent a fortune as we were in Revolution from about half 8 and the drinks in there are so expensive. K seemed to enjoy herself though which was the main thing. Apart from that I did nothing all weekend as S was working on the kitchen so I was minding the dogs and trying to tidy up round him/do house work etc. JT never text me or got in contact so I didn't meet her on saturday and that was the only plans I had as everyone else was busy. Consequently I ended up feeling irritable as I was so bored. We ended up going to the Royal for tea last night as we had no food in and still nothing to cook on which was pleasant as always but we were literally only out for an hour and a half and that was it, so I have spent 99% of the weekend in our messy house with S only talking to me about the kitchen.

I feel quite down in myself. I tried to dye my hair a little bit lighter as it was lighter at the ends than at the roots so I thought I would have it a slightly lighter brown but it did not work at all so it was a waste of time and money. I hate my hair being this short I wish it would grow, S has also said he prefers me without a fringe so I am waiting for that to grow out. I still have spots no matter what I do I get them and I am so sick of the way they make me feel. I feel unconfident in myself at the moment, even when I make an effort I don't think I look anything special and neither does anyone else. S never tells me I look nice these days and no one else is going to are they? I know I shouldn't have to rely on other people to make me feel good but I can't seem to help it. I feel like I am just sitting about looking at crap on the internet or watching crap tv wishing my life away. I am sick of talking and thinking about the kitchen, I am sick of looking in the mirror and thinking I look stupid. I would like S to talk to me about other things and suggest things to do/make me feel better but he doesn't. He just says that he knows how I feel but yet he never does anything to try to make me feel better. A nice gesture every once in a while wouldn't go a miss. It just seems like everyone has been busy leading their happy little lives this weekend and I was sat at home on my own waiting for someone to text me or bother with me. I know S is wrapped up in the kitchen and wants to get it finished for us and I'm being ungrateful to a certain extent but sometimes it feels like his projects are more important to him/ interesting than I am. I'm going to go to Body conditioning tonight even though I don't want to as I have nothing else to do in the evening and I think going twice a week will give me a kind of satifaction and hopefully make me look abit better. Jxx

Derren Brown & Negative Suggestion

Was watching Derren Brown last night and it made me think about a few things. One that I'd love to go and see him live, two that I can't believe that he is gay and three (on a more serious note) how right he is in what he says/shows.

The episode we watched was from the Trick or Treat series and showed the power of negative suggestion, ie where you want to do something because you are told not to. In it a woman was told not to press a button which she thought would electrocute a kitten however with a few seconds of the experiment to go she pressed the button. The kitten was fine as it was all part of the trick however the part that I found interesting was the principle of telling yourself not to do something makes you want to do it, even if it was something you hadn't previously thought about. For example if you tell yourself you are on a diet and that you can't have chocolate or chips or whatever you will start to want it, just as if you tell yourself you can't do something or think negative thoughts then you will start to believe them/do them. It seems to be human nature to think on the negative side of life and this holds us back in so many ways. It made me realise that I have to try to be more positive in my outlook as being negative does me no good. This also all ties in with the EFT that J and I have been discussing which focuses on getting rid of negative thought patterns that are holding you back.

Not much else to add, got K's party tonight which should be good, meant to be meeting up with JT who I used to go to uni with tomorrow as she is coming to Lancaster for a visit but we'll see what happens with that. No other plans apart from more kitchen work. The boys seem to be ok and hadn't torn chunks out of each other when we got home which was a relief. The weathers gone abit off today but apparantly it is meant to improve again for the weekend although I never believe what they say! Jxx

Good & Bads

• Its Friday tomorrow.
• Its still sunny.
• We are going to K's 21st party which should be a good night.
• The dogs had a fight over a bone last night when I was at body conditioning and Bailey drew blood from Arnie by biting his ear and under his chin. I know it is Arnie who starts all the trouble as he mithers Bailey to play all the time and Bailey never really retaliates so Arnie must have seriously pissed him off. Arnie seemed fine in himself but he wouldn't eat this morning and he was still trying to bother Bailey so I'm worrying about them today. Arnie can always get away from Bailey as Bailey is on a chain so I know they are "safe" but I don't want them fighting. I know most of it is playing but knowing he's drawn blood has upset me. I love them both so much they are my boys and it has been alot better having the two of them instead of just Bailey. I hope this is a one off...
• At body conditioning last night our usual woman was off so we had this other woman who I do not like. She acts like she is in the army of something and barks out instructions. I didn't feel like I had had a total work out like I ususally do as she does different exercises and focuses on different things. My shoulders and waist hurt today though so I guess it has done something!
• I have period pain, I'm bored, I'm fat, I have spots and I want to go home.
• We are starting to be skint again as I have rashly spent lots of money in the last week or so and we now have MS's 21st next weekend which will be expensive, plus it is Bank holiday plus we are off the following week so will need even more money...

Jxx

Bored, Bored, Bored

So bored at work and at home this week. Work is quiet as people are away on courses and on holiday so there are fewer invoices and estimates for me to do. My days are going slowly here and then the evenings are dragging as well as there seems to be nothing on television and S is busy every night working on the kitchen. I know there are things I can be doing at home but my brain seems to have gone to mush with not doing anything and all I seem to do is laze about feeling totally unmotivated. Oh and eat....

The kitchen is coming on fantastically now, the unit shells are up, the lights are in, we have bought the paint. The doorman is meant to be coming at the weekend and once he's been then its onto the home straight as we can finish the floor and get the doors etc on and paint the walls. Things have moved on a lot in the last week which I am glad about however I am still sick of the mess and not being able to cook, and being on my own every evening minding the dogs whilst S works.

Weekend was pleasant, quite quiet which was the plan. We put the dogs into kennels for the day on saturday so we could tile the floor without their help/interference haha. Saturday evening we picked them up and then went to a BBQ at CW from work's. The BBQ was ok, the food was nice but the company was abit random;; I got the feeling his partner didn't like me very much and his step children were quite a handful. His partner is quite loud and not terribly friendly and I got the impression that you wouldn't particularly want to mess with her if you know what I mean. I did try to make an effort with her and speak to her but she seemed abit standofish and didn't make the effort back to be honest (she reminded me abit of P) the kids started a big water fight and then were chucking food about and stuff which made me feel abit uncomfortable too. Its a pity as CW is nice but I wouldn't invite them to our house! Still it made a change and was better than sitting at home. I enjoy BBQ's alot, even more than going out at the moment and it is obviously much cheaper to sit at someones house and have drinks and food than to go out and waste the money in Lancaster. Sunday we went into Lancaster so that I could get a voucher for K as it is her 21st party this friday and we had lunch in Varsity which was lovely although I ate too much and felt very fat for the rest of the day.

The weather has been stunning the last week or so although it is apparantly going to get cooler again now. I hope this wasn't our one week of sunshine for the summer....Not much else to report really I have bought lots of new clothes this week but I'm not really sure why and whether I should have done, which is bad. They are only from a cheap online store but I seem to buy things and then not like them when I've got them and not wear them much but then go and buy more stuff which is abit worrying. I have all these things in my wardrobe yet very few of them I seem to love and I wear things once then go off them. I'm always planning what goes with what and putting outfits together but then I never seem to put them into practice or I wear an outfit once and then it looses its appeal? I am also not feeling very happy about my looks at the moment I have eaten too much recently and am feeling fat again. I have bought a new dress for MS's 21st next weekend and now I don't think I like it, it doesn't make me feel special and I just feel bla in it. I don't seem to have looked in the mirror for ages and thought that I looked good even though I seem to have spent loads. I know the spending is probably a sympton of the boredom and I should just stop it but I can't seem to.

My sister leant me a book called Thin which is written by a former anorexic which I have just finished reading. I found it interesting and helpful although very sad at times as the way she and my sister think is heartbreaking. The book could have been written by my sister as it is her down to a tee, it was amazing how much I saw my sister in the author. It showed me for the first time that the likely reason E developed this illness is because of her personailty traits, for example she has to be the best at everything, even trivial things, she has determination like you have never seen, and she is incredibly controlled. Whilst I would not say she was pre-determined to be aneroxic her personality coupled with our families attitude to food/dieting and the fact that she is a dancer made it much more likely than the average person. I was talking to E about this and we both agreed that even if her issues had not manifested themselves in this way (ie control over food) they would still come out in other ways which they have to a lesser extent (control/obsession/deprivation over exercise, exams and money) It makes me sad how E (and the author) lead/led such unhappy lives and how anorexia strips away any enjoyment found in life as the persons entire energy is focused on the illness. I know E wants to get better and she is trying to get better but so much of it is ingrained in her way of thinking and personailty it is difficult. Reading the book also made me realise that whilst I have some similar issues I could never be anorexic. My personality and my issues with self esteem, control and anxiety manifest themselves in my being reckless, take risks and unhealthy addicitions/obesseions. This is so true in that I have/have had problems with drinking, drugs, spending money and being unfaithful. I wonder if everyone is this screwed up or if it is just us? Jxx

Phases

Its funny I seem to go through phases every month/couple of months etc. Last week and at the weekend I was feeling quite fed up with things and even though we had things to look forward to none of them were going to plan and I was disappointed, bored and restless. However today I feel fine and happy! I think its the gorgeous weather (23 degrees and sunny - meant to last until after the weekend as well!) and pushing myself to use heavier weights last night in body conditioning which was painful but satisfying.

Anyway, we got up early on saturday and went into Lancaster so I could get some jeans from topshop and had breakfast/lunch in the Tree. We were home by early afternoon and then we had nothing to do for the rest of the day although we did sit outside as the weather was nice. Saturday night we went to F&A's to go into town. The trouble was we went to theirs way too early as everyone was sick of waiting and consequently were in town at 8 which is just far too early for Lancaster and everywhere was dead. F and I met up with the old woolworths people for drinks whilst S&A went to some other pubs. By the time we met them in Revolution at half 10 S was totally wasted and town was still dead. We ended up going to get a takeaway and going back to F&A's cos we couldn't be bothered, the only good part was we got a taxi home before they went up at 12.

Sunday we stayed in bed til lunch time as I felt down and it was raining (we had a storm at 6am!) so we basically slobbed about the rest of the day until it was time to go into town at 10. We got into town and met up with K&P and their friends which was actually a good laugh however town was still very quiet. S and I ended up leaving them to go to Cuba (for this bounce night) at about midnight but to be honest I wish we hadn't gone. It was £10 to get in, wasn't even that busy and I was way too drunk and felt sick. We weren't even in there that long and I just wanted to go home. I was also sick on the way home which was unpleasant. I wished we had just stayed with the others. I've pretty much given up with bounce nights from now on. Although I love the music I like to listen to it in my own home not in a sweaty dark scratty club surrounded by scruffs off their faces, which is sadly how theses nights always are. Unfortunately that kind of music does not seem to attract upmarket venues or clubbers!

Monday we went to the Scarecrow festival at Wray with F&A, baby D, K&P and the dogs. It was a good day out as the weather had improved again although I wasn't sure I'd get there without throwing up (I had a burger king on the way which seemed to do the trick) and it was heaving and very muddy. Still it was nice to see everyone and to do something that didn't involve pubs plus the dogs got a good walk.

In other news, we have given up waiting for L to do the plastering after having asked him lots of times. I'm quite annoyed with him at the moment he only rings when he wants to borrow money and we have told him we will pay him to do this job but he can't be arsed to sort it out so fine S is doing it himself. He has done 3 walls and just has the ceiling and one wall to go. I have to say he is making a very good job of it and will save us around £400 (he's going to do the spare room as well) We have booked the dogs into kennels just for the day on saturday as the plan is to paint the ceiling and to start laying the floor tiles so we can get the new kitchen in asap and get back to some kind of normality (oh and stop living on takeaways and cereal which is making me fat!) No other plans for the weekend except to enjoy the beautiful weather and C from work has invited us to a bbq on sat night which is nice of him and we can walk to as he only lives down the road. We need to have a quiet one after last week plus we have two 21st's in the next 2 weeks to save for/look forward to. Jxx