A mess

Things are a mess at the moment, the house, me....

The house is a mess because of the work on the kitchen. I know it will be worth it in the end but I'm so sick of cleaning every single night just to try and keep the place in a semblance of order. The fridge and microwave are in the front room, there is nothing in the kitchen and the whole house is covered in dust. I sweep up every night and dust and hoover, and by the next day it needs doing again. Something needs doing in every room, the lounge wall has a hole in that needs plastering and repainting, the kitchen needs everything, the hall needs plasterboarding, our bedroom needs painting and carpeting, the spare room needs everything....I know DIY takes time and we have to work it round our lives and money but I can't stand the mess. It makes me stressed and edgy just looking at it. The dogs don't help, careering round the house sheding fur every where. I know S enjoys it and it keeps him busy but there is little I can do to help at the moment apart from occupying the dogs so I don't even feel like I'm contributing, I'm just waiting for it to be over.

I am a mess: My skin is still awful. I keep using this strong acne cream but I put too much on the other week and my skin started itching. I stopped using it for a few days and my spots came back. They aren't even hormonal any more they just seem to be constant. I don't know anybody else that has skin as bad as mine. None of my friends seem to get spots. It knocks my confidence so much but I don't know what else I can do. I don't eat too badly, I drink lots of water, I'm no longer on the pill. What else is there?

My hair is a mess. I have sort of cut myself a fringe because I want one but I don't think I've done it properly and I can't get it right. I should go to a hairdressers but I have never truly liked the way anyone has cut my hair therefore I don't want to pay someone to do it when I can do it myself. I hate my hair being short but it has hardly grown since I had it cut in Manchester in February. I have my extensions but they always go matted after I've been wearing them for abit and just don't look that authentic (I don't think).

My body is a mess. I have put on weight again. I need to watch what I eat all the time and I haven't been. I hate having to think about what I'm eating all the time but I need to be more disciplined and stop buying chocolate or having takeaways. I regret it afterwards anyway so I don't know why I do it.

My head is a mess. I'm so irritable, bored and restless. The days have been dragging and so have the evenings as there doesn't seem to be anything worth watching on tv and thats all we do in the week. I am wishing my life away and I don't want to be. I was so happy the other week and whilst I'm not unhappy per se I am frustrated. I buy things I don't even want or need and its a waste of money but I'm trying to cheer myself up and alleviate the boredom. I'm always looking for distractions, to take me away from it all. I'm sat here on my own in the office and I'm lonely. I want someone to talk to me, to cheer me, to make me smile. I want/need other people to make me feel better when I'm like this instead of taking responsibilty for my own feelings. Why do I need other people to make me feel good? Why am I never satisfied? Jxx

Quiet one

Had a quiet weekend on the whole. F&EG came round on Friday for a dominos pizza and a chat which was good fun. There was some drama when Arnie escaped when they were going as he shot out the door and went running off over the industrial estate. We were all chasing after him but he would not come back. I was panicking thinking we were going to spend all night trying to get him back but we managed to trap him between F, EG and I and then F grabbed his collar. He is definitely not being let off his lead now as we know that he does not come back!

Saturday my dad came down to help S with the kitchen so I spent the day reading a book and looking after the dogs. Took them for a walk on my own and Bailey was perfect I couldn't believe how well he walked which made a pleasant change. It was so nice to see my dad and S working together and getting on. It makes me extremely proud and happy that I have such a lovely husband who my dad likes and respects, as at one point in my life I could never have imagined this possible. Sunday S worked on the kitchen again and D popped round in the evening as P had thrown a strop (again) We ended up getting a takeaway and S and D had a few cans. That was everything really!

I was abit bored all weekend although I did have a drink Friday and Saturday night at home with S which was ok. I had thought that I wanted to do something at night as I had been sat in all day but then I realised that I couldn't actually be bothered going out anywhere as we are going to Lancaster twice next weekend so I really didn't want to go there this week and even going to Morecambe seemed like too much effort/a waste of time and money. S has got on well with the kitchen (he has almost finished the plasterboarding so it will be plastering next) plus we hardly spent any money which is great as its bank holiday this weekend and we are going out twice and will therefore be spending money! This week should go quickly as D&J are going away as of tomorrow so I'll be on my own with the business. Plans for next weekend are; Saturday night theres a kind of woolworths reunion in town (which could be interesting) that I'm going to with F&EG whilst S has a drink with A. Sunday night S and I are going to Cuba (formally Brooks haha) as theres a trance/scouse night on which looks ok. Trying to persuade D to come with us as him and P have fallen out again but no doubt they'll have made up by then.... And Monday if the weathers nice we're going for a walk with F, A and D and possibly K&P and the dogs obviously! Really looking forward to May as we have something happening almost every weekend. Its so nice to have lovely people to do things with I know I keep saying it but I truly am grateful and happy to have such good friends. Jxx

You are my sunshine...

The weather has been nice today (and yesterday) for a change. Its amazing what a difference the sun makes. I want it to be summer so much, especially after all the crap weather we had last year. I want to sit in the garden, take the dogs for long walks, have bbqs and most of all wear summer clothing! I'm so sick of wearing about 20 layers all the time because I'm cold! I've got things I've bought but I haven't worn yet because the weather has been so rubbish, its nearly May for goodness sake it should be atleast 15 degrees!

Weekend was ok but hectic. I got the train on Friday night to Liverpool which took longer than I expected as we were delayed at Preston so I ended up changing trains and getting a train from Preston to Liverpool rather than changing at Wigan. Got there and dashed to the cinema just in time to see Step Up 2. The film was ok, storyline was abit poor but the dancing was amazing and atleast we didn't have to concentrate too hard! After the film we went back to E's and watched a dvd of her last dancing show, then went to bed as it was late. Saturday we had a late breakfast and went into Liverpool shopping. We only went to St Johns and Primark as neither of us were feeling particularly flush. I talked E into buying a lovely dress and I got some black peep toe sandals, a work shirt, some grey jogging bottoms (for body conditioning) and a black star print tiered skirt. We decided not to have lunch out (to save money) so we went home, called at Asda so E could do her shopping and she cooked pasta for tea. In the evening we watched Britains Got Talent whilst drinking and headed into Liverpool about half 10. We decided to go to L1, then Bar Baa for a change before ending up in Walkabout. Liverpool was absolutely heaving (possibly cos the football had been on) It was a good night although I somehow cut my toe open which started bleeding and the stupid takeaway gave me a portion of korma sauce and no chips and charged me £2.50 for the pleasure! Sunday M&D came up to take us to lunch at Yates in Allerton. The meal was nice although I didn't feel I saw them for very long as as soon as we'd finished they had to drop me off at the station to get my train. The journey home was a pain as I had to get a train to Manchester, then to Preston (I had to stand as there were no seats) and a bus to Lancaster so I was tired when I finally got home. I only had time to tidy the house and do some washing then it was time for bed and Monday again!

I did enjoy my weekend but it didn't really feel like I'd actually had any time off as I was away plus I found my sister quite hard work again. She can be so prickly at times and picks fault with everything. I always feel like I'm having to keep on the right side of her and make allowances for her when she's being sarcastic or short tempered. The way she behaves hurts my feelings at times but I never say anything to her about it as I just feel it isn't worth it and I don't see her very often so I feel I need to make the most of my time with her. I don't think she does it deliberately but I found it quite draining spending the whole weekend with her. Being with S or my friends is easy, I can be myself whereas when I'm with her I feel like I need to try, to try to entertain her, to please her etc. I don't know why. She was also annoyed because D had come on Sunday and she couldn't be doing with him so she was being snappy with him and I felt like I was in the middle again, referring between them all when all I wanted was to spend some time with my family. In a way I was glad to get home (I had missed S alot too, I seem to miss him more every time I go away). I wanted to make the most of it and for it to be a girly weekend just the two of us, which it was but we never feel like we're on an even footing, I'm always trying to fit in with her and what she wants and she's in charge. I know I let her get away with it which doesn't help. Maybe I need to tell her how I feel (when it happens) but I hate confrontation and I've been "people pleasing" all my life (with schoolfriends, D&P etc) So it is a hard habit to change but I guess I have too. Its such a shame because I love her and I enjoy being with her, its just the sarcastic comments I can't deal with. I also see the way she bends over backwards for her friends but she won't do the same for me which I find hurtful. Jxx

Tired

I'm feeling tired and unmotivated today and have been so far all this week to be honest. I haven't got that much to do at work and there isn't much to look at on the internet so as a result I'm bored and because I'm bored I'm irritable and eating chocolate and other things that I shouldn't be.

A few things have changed since the last time I wrote. The biggest being that I am giving up my driving lessons. Well actually thats not true I'm not giving up I'm just stopping them for a while, til next year to be exact. There are several reasons for this; one - we can't afford for me to be having a lesson every week even at £30 for 2 hours (heavily discounted at that) and I'm not really getting any better just having the occasional lesson here and there, two - I'm no nearer to booking another test, three - even if I pass I don't want to drive the van on my own because I'm frightened, four - I'm totally unmotivated with it at the moment, I just can't be bothered! I want to pass knowing I've got a car to drive at the end of it and I haven't so it feels even more pointless and a waste of money. I also feel that I need a different instructor as I am almost too close to mine. We are always talking and joking around so I'm not focussing on what I should be doing. I don't want to just go with someone else so I think a total break is best. So I talked to S about all of this and he is willing to sell the van and get a hatchback car once we have finished working on the house (as we need it til then) which should be the end of this year. So I am going to save up and take a crash course in Januray next year and hopefully pass and then we will have a car I can drive. My theory lasts until July next year so I have until then basically. I am sad in a way to stop driving but I feel alot better now knowing that I have a plan of sorts. My mum and S agree with me as it is the only option for me/us in our current situation. In the meantime S is going to take me out in the van each week to give me somekind of practice. I am insured on it so I should make the most of it.

This brings me onto the works on the house. We are ploughing on with the kitchen and should be replacing the boiler in the next month or so. All our spare money (and not so spare money) is going in this direction at the moment however by the end of this year the house should be nearly done which will be very satisfying. It also keeps S happy doing it and atleast we are doing something useful with our money instead of wasting it on nothing.

Has a lovely weekend, the best I've had for a while. I cooked pasta on Friday and S and I had some drinks and relaxed. Arnie had been neutered so we didn't want to leave him incase he wasn't well (he is fine). Saturday S and I went into Lancaster and got a present for CF and had lunch in The Tree. We got home and walked the dogs and watched the Simpsons Movie that S had bought in town (I enjoyed it way more than I expected which was a pleasant surprise!) S dropped me off at Pizzahut to meet F, EG and K for tea. Had a lovely meal in Pizzahut and a good old chat/gossip with the girls. After the meal we went back to F&A's as S was there having a takeaway and beer with A. We stayed there til 11 ish as we were having such a good laugh and then went home to bed. Sunday was 4 years since S and I went on our first date so we went back to Blackpool. We had a drink in Brannigans (as we did 4 years ago!) wandered along the front and played soom pool. The weather turned lovely as well really sunny and warmish (I even took my coat off!) It was such a nice day and gave us a chance to reflect on our 4 years together and enjoy being with each other.

This weekend I'm in Liverpool all weekend as its E's last weekend free before she starts her job in John Lewis. I'm going down Friday night and we're going to see Step Up 2, Saturday will be spent shopping and drinking and Sunday hopefully the mothership is coming to see us and to take us to Yates's for lunch! I am looking forward to seeing her and having a girly weekend yet part of me knows I'm going to miss S and the fury ones! S is taking all the plaster off the walls in the kitchen though so its good I'm not here or else I would be getting annoyed and stressed with the mess!

Think we are going to go for a meal tomorrow night as I won't see him all weekend and we have no kitchen to speak of so cooking is abit awkward. I think I might suggest the Fenwick and I can drive as its a good run out there and I know S has been wanting to go again for a while. Jxx

Nearly

I nearly made a very big mistake today, one which potentially could have ruined my marriage, my job, my friends and family, basically everything I have and hold dear. Of course this is the most extreme outcome of what might have happened, but at the very least I would have broken vows I have made that I thought I took very seriously as well as reducing myself to the person I was over 4 years ago, someone who I hoped I'd left behind.

Thankfully something stopped me and has pulled me back from the brink. I know now I truly am not the same person I was before. The person I was would have gone and done it, ploughed on regardless even though inside I knew it was wrong and nothing good would come of it. I am not that person anymore. I am more reflective, more thoughtful, more true to myself. I hope I am less selfish and self centred. I have been mulling it over for days almost trying to convince myself that I could do it/live with it but I don't want to. It is time I did the right thing with my life. I do not know why I thought I was prepared to risk it all and for what? For an ego boost, for not letting someone down, for not letting go of the past, for nostalgia. How do these compare with honesty and happiness and love?

I don't know why I have this self destructive side. I always have had be it with drink, with drugs, with sex. I used to get myself into situations I couldn't handle for fear of saying no, for not being accepted. I seek acceptance all the time, I need others to validate my existence yet those I want to validate me are not worth it at all. S doesn't make me feel this way, neither do my true friends yet why do I so desperately want to impress those who aren't good for me. I feel bored and unhappy too often yet I do not resolve these issues within myself, I look to other people and other things to escape, to ignore, to cover up the problem so of course it never goes away.

Life is not perfect. It isn't fairytales and happy endings. Life is what you make of it and I truly am blessed. It can be hard to hold onto this feeling at times and to be grateful but it is so important for me to remember how I feel at this moment. I don't want to be a bad person, not anymore. I don't want my life to be selfish and tainted. My happiness is my responsibilty and no one elses. I think this is the most honest post I have ever written. I hope I have turned a corner today. Jxx

Lax

I seem to have been quite lax in updating this blog at the moment. I don't know why as I have things to say I just never seem to get round to writing them as I have been busy or unmotivated at work, and the computer at home is so slow and rubbish I give up and turn it off! So here's a round up of the last week or so's events:

Sugababes - Absolutely fantastic! The best concert I've been to. I think it helped that it was in such a small place (The Apollo) and we were fairly near to the front. They are amazing singers live and did all the songs that I knew. The only downside was that we got lost coming home and it was twenty to 1 when I finally got in!

Driving - Was interesting! I got to drive round Bolton which was slightly scary but good experience. My instructor passed which was the main thing and was a big relief for him. I was so nervous for him, when I was waiting in the test centre to hear how he'd done I couldn't believe how on edge I was. After that we went into Bolton and he took me for some lunch which was really pleasant then we went back. It was also good having a Wednesday off as it broke up the week nicely!

Saturday - Went into Lancaster briefly to get a present for D's christening and got S some new jeans in the Officers Club. Walked the dogs when we got home then E&C arrived. Had a chat with them before taking them out for tea at the Royal Hotel. I like The Royal but there are always messing about with the menu. Yet again they had changed it and the one thing I wanted they didn't have! I wished I'd had a pudding though as S and C did and they looked delicious. We went home and got ready to go out then went into Morecambe. We sat in Wetherspoons for ages getting drunk then had one in the Mermaid before heading to Kings. It turned out to be a really good night actually. The music was spot on in Kings, we all ended up dancing and stayed out til half 2! I couldn't believe it. I didn't drink before I went out at all and only drank vodka orange when I was out and yet again I was fine! Fingers crossed I have sussed it now.

Sunday - The Christening. Was a lovely day. The service was nice, not too religious and the priest is young and down to earth (and goodlooking haha) It was only D being christened and not part of a mass of anything which was a relief as it wasn't too long. I got to hold D for abit durring the service which was nice as I thought even being a godparent I might have got pushed out abit what with all the other people there (about 80!) Afterwards we all went to the Boot and Shoe for drinks and a buffet. We got a table with E, C and CF so we had our own little group which felt nice to be part of something and after they had left K and P (F's cousin and his girlfriend) came and sat with us. I'm really glad we've met them as they are a lovely couple and S seems to get on well with P as they have a bit in common and K is just like F - so bubbly and friendly. Us four were the last ones standing! We got home just after 6 and had an early night as we were half drunk and drinking in the day is a killer!

This weekend I am going to Pizza Hut with F, EG and K for a girly meal which I am totally looking forward to as I know it will be a right laugh (and I can rely on K to have a drink with me haha) No other plans as of yet. Arnie is being neutered on Friday so I think we will just be at home to make sure he is ok. Jxx