Madness?

We have been considering getting another dog as company for Bailey for some time due to the fact that he is outside on his own during the day. The reasoning behind it being that having two dogs is not that much different from having one in that they both need walking, considering etc etc. However we had not properly looked into it, it was just an idea until recently. In the last month 3 different people have all said (unprompted) that Bailey would benefit from having another dog, for company, to calm him down etc etc. This made us think about it more often and the other night S was messing about on the net looking at border terrier puppies for sale (as this is the kind of dog we would both want to get) although we had said that we wouldn't want a puppy as it was unfair on it/too much work. In the middle of all the puppies we came accross a 12 month old border/jack russel cross for sale called Arnie. For some reason when I say his picture I felt totally drawn to him especially as there is something in him that looked like Bailey did when he was a puppy. I dismissed it as silly but the next day I couldn't stop thinking about him and feeling almost responsible for him in case no one else wanted him (silly I know). I ended up emailing the owner yesterday just to explain our situation and to see whether she thought we might be suitable for Arnie. I decided that if I didn't get a reply then I wouldn't persue it as it wasn't meant to be. Well I got an email this morning saying that we could be suitable for Arnie and if I rang her tonight then she would be happy to talk to me about him. So I will ring her after my driving lesson and see what happens....It all really depends on whether he gets on with Bailey though. Bailey is our number 1 priority and if he can't get on with this dog (or any other) than thats fine and we are happy with that, however if we can improve his life by getting another dog for him to live with then we want to do that. We shall see.... Jxx

Keeping fit

I have been going to Body Conditioning with F for 3 weeks now and I am still enjoying it. I mean its hard work and I don't actually enjoy it when I'm holding my leg in the air and its killing me but I do feel good when I've finished. To be honest it isn't that horrendous, there are plenty of people there who are bigger than me yet much fitter than me and I know in time I will find it easier and get fitter. I enjoy it because it isn't jumping around like a mad thing for an hour its more toning and stengthening activites which is what I need. I hope that if I do this once a week (I think anymore would be abit optimistic!) plus an hours walk with the dog on Saturday and Sunday should keep me in reasonable shape.

I am feeling abit better about myself at the moment as I have been using the foundation I got on recomendation from the photo shoot and it is very good (and only cost £7 inc postage!) I still have bad spots but atleast they are camoflauged better! I have been sticking to a strict diet (partly because we have no money but partly because I had been slacking recently) and hopefully it is making a difference. I have got some nice new clothes which I am looking forward to wearing and being vaguely fashionable for a change! I have also ordered some more hair extensions as I can't get used to having shorter hair and I don't think it suits me. It is very difficult to get the right colour from online though so it may or not be a disaster haha.

In other news: S has replaced the radiator in our bedroom with a new one so we woke up to a toasty room this morning which was very nice. E has been for her first counselling/hypnosis session and although she said she cried alot, she found it a positive experience and is going again tomorrow. Apparantly 3 sessions can be enough to change peoples habbits so fingers crossed she is on the road to recovery.

This weekend I am doing something! I am not sitting in the house all weekend being bored again. I need to go to town on Saturday to take that top back plus I want to make an appointment to have a new tattoo I've designed done. I am getting six stars on the inside of my right wrist. In the evening we might be going for some drinks in town with F&A. On Sunday it is mothers day so I think we are going to try and take J&B to the Toby Cavery although it will probably be heaving. I hope we get to do the above as usually when I want to do something it doesn't go according to plan so fingers crossed. Jxx

Confused

I am confused about what to do about my driving at the moment. I seem to have regressed back to where I was a few months ago and keep making silly mistakes. I messed up all my manouvers on Friday and I couldn't get my head round what I was doing at all. I know it is because I haven't been doing it for weeks and also because I talk to much and don't concentrate but I can't seem to get past that. I feel like I am just wasting money by carrying on even though I will be wasting money if I stop. I am just so sick of the whole situation I just want to be able to drive and I want my own car, not a bloody awkward van. My instructor has been letting me have my lessons cheaper and even took me out for free last night but it isn't the point. It isn't going to go away and I feel like I will never pass.

Had a fairly boring weekend as S was working til 6 on Saturday and then was too tired to do anything when he got back. I did some housework and took Bailey out for an hour. He was a total pain whilst I was walking him but was well behaved when we got back which was something. Yesterday I went to Pizzahut with F and EG which was nice as always and we had a good girly chat. Although I ate too much as per usual. The only other thing we did was go bowling on Friday with CF and his friend K which turned out to be a good laugh. We all ended up drunk doing shots in Kings and trying to play pool afterwards! It was good because I wasn't expecting anything from it so when it turned out to be a fun night it was a nice surprise. We spent too much money though and S suddenly had an upset stomach so we had to dash home about 1.

That was pretty much it really. Boring. Oh and I'm still waiting for my clothes to come. My shirt and top were waiting for me this morning but I'm not sure about the top so I'm going to take it back this weekend as I can't afford to keep it if I don't 110% love it. I have no idea what else we are going to do. I AM SO SICK OF HAVING NO MONEY! I am so sick of being bored, S never wants to do anything, we never do anything remotely fun or spontaneous. Bla bla bla. Jxx

New clothes

I have gone abit mad this week with online shopping and have purchased; a star print dress/tunic, a big tan shopper bag, a white longling vest top with a bow on the back from Asos. A white oversized shirt, a cream ruffle t shirt, a black grandad vest, a white grandad vest, a longline grey stripped waistcoat all from River Island. A white longsleve top, some brown court shoes, a moc croc purse from New Look. Skinny bleach wash jeans from Topshop. A mascara from Debenhams and some foundation (the same type that was used on me during the photoshoot in Manchester).

It looks loads written down doesn't it? However I have really got into fashion at the moment and I am trying to build my wardrobe for the coming year and these are all key pieces that I can wear over and over again. I am sick of buying cheap clothes that go out of shape or funny in the wash and I am sick of feeling like a scruff. Plus S wants a £600 saw for his birthday which I have managed to work out a way of getting enough money for that so I feel that if we can afford that then we can afford for me to have some new clothes! Thats the justification anyway!

I am just tired of always saying no we can't do this or that and always scrimping at weekends and not being able to do things on the spur of the moment. I just want to have some fun. And buy things! We will have to eat cheaply and watch our bills but I would rather do that and enjoy life than sit at home all the time with lots of money in the bank. I am feeling abit reckless at the moment I think. I go through stages like this but I always make sure we have our self imposed overdraft and enough for all the bills etc so I am not really reckless.

We are going bowling tonight with CF and a friend of his. It was meant to be his girlfriend but she can't come (again?) but we are still going anyway. I've got a driving lesson first which I can't be bothered with but if I do it tonight then I get it over with. S is working tomorrow so I will be spending the day with Bailey. Oh and sunday night I am going to pizza hut with F&EG which I am looking forward to. No other planes for the weekend as such.

Ooooh I want my new clothes to hurry up! Jxx

In the past few days I have:

• Taken the dog on a long walk on the beach as far out as we could go as the tide was out. We got covered in mud/sand but it was fantastic to see him running around so happily. Plus he slept all afternoon when we got back!
• Watched a beautiful sunset over half moon bay last night. S tried to take pictures of it on his phone but they didn't really do it justice.
• Bought a dress, two tops, a shirt and a bag online yesterday which I really shouldn't but I am so sick of being skint and they are all things that I can wear with loads of my other clothes. Honnestly...
• Hit the kerb on my driving lesson although I did reverse round a difficult corner well.
• Got drunker than I meant to on Saturday night and dropped a pizza in the taxi.
• Been thinking about sex lots.
• Realised that I get my self into situations that I shouldn't because of my insecurities and I need to be more careful and less self-centred.
• Had my hair cut.
• Discovered that I don't like having my photo taken and that I have a fat head/double chin.
• Tried to write up my coursework for college and struggled. I seem to be very illiterate and inelegant at the moment.
• Bought some knee high boots and an ipod speaker station with my birthday money which I love.
• Spent hours transfering music onto my ipod. I don't know how I managed without it.
• Spent only £20 on food at asda as we are living on cheap meals to try to save money.
• Been thinking alot about money, the future, the house and babies....

Jxx

Crippled!

I went to Body conditioning last night for the first time with F and I am absolutely crippled today! I really enjoyed it though even though I am totally unfit and have pulled muscles I didn't know existed! It is only for an hour so we have decided we want to go every week, either to that or to Body pump or aerobics, depending on which night is best for F. I felt good for going its true that exercise makes you feel better, even if I am hobbling about today!

I feel pretty positive about things at the moment, I feel like 2008 is the year that I am going to get my life sorted and how I want it to be.

• I am enjoying the counselling course very much now, the last two weeks I have thoroughly enjoyed the discussions we have had and feel like I have learnt things about myself. Overall I am finding it a positive, thought provoking experience.
• I am happy about starting some form of exercise as I have been meaning to do this for years and even if F stops going for whatever reason I have decided that I want to go on my own anyway. It is only £3.40 which is nothing and it is only down the road.
• I am starting up my driving lessons again as the longer I leave it the less likely I will come back to it. Plus I have had some money for my birthday that I will only fritter on things I don't really need so I may as well pay for me to have some lessons with instead.
• I am making the most of my real friends and family. I feel like the more effort I put in the more I am getting back at the moment and I want to keep that going.
• I feel happier and more confident in myself (even though I am still covered in spots!!) I don't know why but I am starting to feel more alive again.
• I am looking forward to the photoshoot/makeover with my sister tomorrow very much, I just hope I can walk abit better by then! I am also looking forward to just being off work. I wish every week finished on a Thursday!

All in all I feel pretty happy today, and for that I am grateful. Jxx

Birthday Report! & Musings

Well I had a great birthday all in all, the best one I've had for a long time, even better than my 21st. I think it was all down to the people. For the first time there were a genuine group of lovely people who were all coming out for me with no ulterior motive, no issues, not trying to cause trouble, and it made such a difference. Its odd a few months ago I was bemoaning my lack of friends and wanting to meet new people when really all the friends I needed were already here I just wasn't making the effort with the right people and the people who matter. I've got lots of things planned in the next few weeks/months with the people who matter and I'm going to make sure I continue the effort with them. I've got the photoshoot with my sister on Friday, I'm going to pizza hut with EG&F in 2 weeks, we are going to Whoop Hall for a spa day in March as well as Clubland in Manchester. F&I are going to see the Sugababes in April...So lots of good things to look forward to!

Anyway! S and I met E & C off their train on Saturday afternoon and we went for a drink in the Tree and met F as she'd just had her hair done over the road. We got a few bits in town then S drove the van home and E, C and I got the bus which took forever. By the time we got back it was 4 ish so I took Bailey out again (we'd already taken him out for an hour in the morning) to make sure he was tired. When I got back I cooked vegetable fajitas for tea with nachos and by the time we had eaten it was nearly 7pm and time to get ready and start drinking! F, A and EG arrived at quarter to 8 and then CF about half past. I was stressed out at first as the dog was going mad because of all the people and I didn't feel I has enough time to get ready, but once I was ready I calmed down abit. Everyone was dressed up and had made a real effort with their army costumes which was brilliant. We took some photos (see facebook) and had some drinks before the taxi turned up at 9. The taxi journey annoyed me to be honest as S and I had to sit in the front which was totally isolated from everyone in the back with a glass panel so we couldn't talk to them plus the taxi driver was a knob. He was really cocky and thought that because his voice sounded like Johnny Vegas that automaticaly qualified him as a comedian so all the way to Blackpool he practiced his jokes on us. We just had to sit there and be polite and smile when really I just wanted to be left in peace.

When we got to Blackpool we went to Yates for a drink and then to Sanuk. Both were really good even though we only stayed in the one room in Sanuk. I must have been more drunk than I thought as I really don't remember much about the night! I know everyone was dancing and that the music was good - loads of old tunes and cheesy stuff. There are lots of pictures and everyone looks like they're having a good time (and said that they had a good time) which is the main thing. The night went so quickly as well which is always the sign of a good time. I just wish I remembered it abit more.

The only bad point was that I did argue with S as we were the most drunk out of everyone and he got worked up abit and I got upset because he was having a go at me. There wasn't any reason for it we both had just had too much to drink and had we been less drunk it wouldn't have happened. I had drunk about a bottle and a half of wine before we got to Blackpool which in retrospect was abit too much for me and I feel like I overreacted when I think about it now to be honest. I wish I had just drunk a little bit less and had more self control. I do not want to go back to being that girl who always cries and argues with her partner when she goes out. I also lost all my make up and kept dropping my camera and my purse which I very luckily did not loose.

The next day I felt fine which was brilliant. Now I know if I only drink vodka when I am out then I won't be hungover/sick the next day. S wasn't so lucky though and was sick abit. E and I took Bailey out for a walk as the weather was beautiful and we wanted to have a chat whilst S and C lay on the sofas and felt sorry for themselves! My mum and dad arrived at 3 and we all sat about talking and I opened my presents as they wanted to see me open them. I got an ipod nano from my mum and dad which is what I wanted by way better than I thought it would be (although it took me 2 hours last night to work out how to put music on it but anyway) E got me some chestnut ugg boots which I have wanted for ages, a tan belt and a grey and white ruffle shirt/top. She knows me so well she always chooses perfect presents. F got me loads of little bits including a cross stitch, a CSI dvd , Gordon Ramseys autobiography which I am looking forward to reading and EG got me some hair stuff and £10 to go to pizza hut with her and F in 2 weeks. I feel really lucky to have such well chosen and thoughtful presents.

We all then went to Slyne Lodge for dinner and they all went home from there about 9. Again the meal was very enjoyable although the service was so slow. I don't think we will be going back to be honest which is a shame. My actual birthday yesterday was ok despite being at work as the day went quickly plus the gorgeous sunny weather has continued and lots of people were texting me wishing me happy birthday. Last night we went out for another meal with J, B, D & P to the New Holly where the food again was very nice. The situation was abit odd though as yet again P was being moody and short. Everyone else was getting on and at one point B and I were in stitches but P sat there looking sulky. I am so glad that I did not have to rely on that as my whole birthday celebration (unlike last year) as I would have been so disappointed. She did not even wish me happy birthday although D did. Because I'd already had a great weekend with people who do want to be with me I just let it go and ignored her but it still grated on me. I was asking her about her new job and complimenting her on her hair etc and she just gives me one word answers, she never makes any effort with me to even be polite, I don't know why. I would like to do things with D occasionally as I do still get on with him (sometimes) but we can't as they come as a pair. I just find it sad as S only has one brother yet we never spend any time with them but I feel that it is all one sided on out behalf.

I don't know what the answer is. Been having a good long chat with J about this (and other things) this morning which I have enjoyed and has made me see things more clearly. Also got counselling tonight so I might bring up the subject as my check in. Got lots to do so I'd better get on...Jxx

Slow

This week has/is going so slowly! Mainly because I am looking forward to the weekend and my birthday but also because I am bored at work and just can't be bothered. I just want this day to go quickly so I can go home and chill out and prepare for tomorrow. I've got a bad stomach ache for some reason as well.

Ahhh I wish I wasn't looking forward to it so much because I know I am hyping it up and then if it goes wrong I will be disappointed. CF is coming now as EG's friend changed her mind or something so now there are 4 lads and 4 girls. I hope everyone can get on with each other as we haven't all met each other before. Still I think we are a nice group and hopefully it will be fine and no one will get too drunk (although I think I am the worst culprit for that so as long as I am sensible then...) No wine when I am in Blackpool! I have told my sister and S not to let me drink it. Vodka only....

Last night I made Cottage pie for S's tea which I was rather impressed with. I also worked out that shepherd's pie is made with lamb and cottage pie is made with beef! God I am dumb I never knew that before! Didn't do much else really apart from covering myself in fake tan. I cannot seem to go brown at the moment for some reason. I have given up going on the sunbeds again as it was costing £5 a time and it isn't good for you, plus it was a faff as S had to take me up there because of me not being able to drive bla bla bla. So anyway I have been covering myself in fake tan but I still feel pretty pale and pasty hmmmm.

I am so hungry today. I have been trying to stick to the diet but I never seem to completely I always seem to slip in something I shouldn't. I have just eaten a truffle shortbread egg thing (cream egg sized but way way nicer). They are 3 for £1 at Booths so I have 2 more in my bag....But one is for S so I will have the other one this afternoon! I supose this is one of the reasons why I am on such a restricted diet is that I always end up having something "extra" every now and then so if I start with something very limited then if I do have something extra then it still won't be too much. Thats the theory anyway! I have given up meat for lent as I don't eat it much anyway so I just wanted to see if I could, oh and because I wasn't giving up chocolate! My weeknesses at the moment are chocolate and nuts. I have managed to stop eating cheese and various other things I shouldn't so I am getting there. I am definitely less hungry than I used to be which is good. I know I need to eat reasonably on Saturday though in order to soak up the alcohol or else I will be a mess.

Oh that lad my sister went to stay with for the weekend in London turned out to be a right knob and basically used her for a shag and then fucked her off. Why do people do that? It makes me so angry. She is not in the best place right now what with struggling with her eating and feeling lonely and isolated at college and in her house. She does not need immature lads messing her about! Grrrr. I don't know why the few people that she does meet/get involved with all turn out to be like that?

My new foundation has come and I am a little disappointed. It is not as wonderful as I had hoped it would be (for the price) also it is a little too dark for me but it was the lightest shade I could get online. My clothes from new look came though which I am happy about. I got 3 new tops none of which I have properly worn yet although I am wearing one tomorrow to go and meet my sister in town and probably one for my birthday meal on sunday and maybe one again on monday. I also need to choose four outfits for our photo day (which is a week today good lord!) Decisions decisions....

Jxx

Life - At Present...

How is your life going at the moment?
My life is ok at present. Can't really complain. Feeling a little unhappy as I'm still not getting on with S very well. He seems to be cross with me alot recently and we don't seem to spend any time with each other or talk to each other. We were doing about listening this week in Counselling and we had to write down times when we felt people weren't listening to us and weren't hearing what we were actually saying. We talked about ways to listen to people properly which really highlighted how I haven't been listened to in the past and how I don't listen to other people (which I know I don't and I want to improve.) It made me realise that S doesn't properly listen to me or understand me very often which makes me feel lonely and sad. I tried to speak to him about it last night but I ended up upset. I just feel like we go round in circles I tell him how I feel, he doesn't say anything, I push him for a response, we argue, we get upset, we make up and we carry on as before. I know maybe I should just accept that this is how he is but I don't feel like he shows me much affection at times and that we aren't as close as we could be and I don't want to just drift along like that.

What are you proud of? Starting my counselling course. Being there for my sister the other night when she needed to talk to me and hopefully making her feel better.

What are you looking forward to? This weekend, my birthday, getting the house sorted.

What do you wish you'd done differently? Not failing my driving test. Not having to stop my lessons

Anyone special in your life? Steven, My family, The Suarts, Emma G, Chris, Julie. Quite a lot really. I am lucky.

Where do you want to be this time next year? Driving! House nearly done as we want it, thinking about having a baby.

Whats pissing you off? Arguing with Ste, the dog being a pain, feeling down, having a cold.

Jxx

10 (not so) interesting things about me!

1) I am 1/4 South African
2) I got a C at A level maths (& my dad got an E but my little sister got an A!)
3) I swear by Beachams powders when I'm feeling poorly
4) I can tell you lots of unintersting things about boilers/central heating as I work at a plumbers.
5) I got married on 07/07/07 partly so my husband would remember the date but mainly as it was 30 years to the day that my mum and dad met (7/7/77)
6) I have a younger sister, 2 older half sisters and a half brother. I don't speak to my oldest half sister.
7) My half brother is a group captain in the RAF
8) I did Welsh and German GCSE's
9) I have failed my driving test 4 times
10) It's my birthday on monday!

Jxx

Weekend Review

Had an ok weekend, was mainly taken up with DIY/house stuff as we were rushing to get everything ready for next weekend.

Friday night - We went to F&A's and ordered a chinese and had a few drinks. Was a really pleasant evening actually, sat watching clubland tv and chatting. Saw D for a little bit before F put him to bed, he is such a lovely tempered little man - he smiles at everything! Left about 11 and went home and went to bed.

Saturday - Spent the day cleaning whilst S was putting the last of the plasterboard on the wall etc. He was getting stressed out as he wasn't feeling well (coming down with a cold) and the dog was playing up plus I kept trying to clean up around him and then he would make a mess again. I ended up taking Bailey on the beach to get him out of the way. It was deserted so we walked right out to the sea as the tide was right out. Although it was cold and grey there is something lovely about the beach especially having all that space to ourselves. I had hoped it would make Bailey calmer when we got back but no he was still a nuisance. It was abit of a crap day overall to be honest. We watched a little bit of tv in the evening and had 2 glasses of wine whilst I made some cd's, then we went to bed.

Sunday - Went to matalan to get a brown hand towel for the bathroom as I am sick of having to wash cream ones every other day! I got some new grey tracksuit bottoms in JJB as I am giving my sister my old tracksuit as she has wanted one for ages but couldn't find one to fit. After that we cleaned up the spare room and put all S's tools away. We finally got the bed in there and made up by tea time which was what we had to do so that was a relief. At night I was feeling rubbish as I had a sore throat coming on so I just lazed about watching Newport Harbour on mtv and then we went to bed early.

It was a productive weekend and we did get alot done between us, although we both felt/feel under the weather and the dog has been a nightmare barking all the time for no reason. We didn't spend much money which was the main thing and the house is more or less ready for next weekend which is the big one! E&C are coming down Saturday afternoon which will give me a little time in the morning to take Bailey out and to make sure everything is ready whilst S is working with SB for some extra cash. M and D are coming on Sunday afternoon and we are going out for tea but I'm not sure where yet...I'm looking forward to this weekend so I know this week will go slowly! Jxx

Relationship Q's

Longest relationship:- This one! With Ste 4 years in April
Shortest relationship:- Erm quite a few. With Eddie probably or Sid, Just a few weeks
How many boyfriends/girlfriends have told you that they love you? 3 -Matthew, Dom and Ste
Have you ever thought that you were going to marry the person you were with? Yes, the 3 above
Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt? Yes
Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry? Yes
Are you happier single or in a relationship? In a relationship
Have you ever been cheated on? Yes, by Matthew, not sure about anyone else
What is your favorite thing about the opposite sex? Eyes and smile
Have you ever had your heart broken? Yes
Have you ever broken someone's heart? Dom's I think
Talk to any of your exes? Only Chris and Shaun
If you could go back in time and change things to where you could still be with one of your exes, would you? No although I wouldn't have ended things with Matthew or Dom the way I did.
Think any of your exes would get back with you if you asked? Chris
Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend? I think I am a lot better now than I was!
Have you dated people who were not good to you? Yes but then I wasn't good to them either
Have you been in an abusive relationship? Not really. Been in relationships where we were both bad for each other though.
Have you dated someone older then you? Yes everyone except Matthew. Oldest was Chris.
Younger? Only Matthew - 3 months younger
Do you regret anything that you have done with a boyfriend or girlfriend? Some things. I regret the way I behaved more though
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? It depends on what they've done.
Believe in love at first sight? No just lust
Ever been with two people at once? Yes Stefan/Nicky. Chris/Dom
Ever been given an engagement ring? Yes 3 (Matthew, Dom and Ste)
Do you want to get married? I am married
What would you do/say if you saw your ex? I would speak to them but Matthew and Dom probably wouldn't speak to me
What would you do/say if you saw your ex with your mate? Feel abit odd about it but its nothing to do with me.
Ever liked someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend? Yes when I was younger.
Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds? Yes

Extreme weather!

The weather has been quite extreme the last few days. The wind has really got up strong and its making it feel cold. Apparantly it might snow today as well although the sun is shining now. We had bad winds this time last year as it was when the wall blew down. I'm hoping nothing like that happens again this year! I hate the wind and the rain. Why can't it just be cold and sunny? Stupid British weather its getting worse!

Feeling a little bit better today as my skin finally seems to be showing signs of improvement after covering myself with fake tan and spot cream last night. I don't know why I am still getting such bad spots that last for days. I am nearly 24 and I'm not taking the pill now so surely things should have improved? There are as bad as when I was 15 for gods sake. It gets me down so much when I look a mess. I have ordered some new foundation online for my birthday I hope it is worth the money! I am also quite pleased with my hair today. I definitely like it being this colour brown although it has got abit lighter since I first did it.

J has gone home from work as she was feeling sick so I am here on my own again. I've got quite alot to do considering it is the 1st of the month (can't believe its February already) so hopefully the afternoon will go quickly. Going to F&A's tonight for a chat and a chinese which I'm looking forward to as Fridays are usually boring otherwise. Not doing anything else this weekend as we need to save money and S has got to finish of the spare room as best he can for next weekend.

Next weekend should be good as it is my birthday weekend! My sister is coming down on the Saturday with her friend C so we are going to have a nosey at Lancaster and get some lunch then go back to ours for tea (I'm making vegetable fajitas I think). Then at night it is time to get drunk and go to Blackpool! Dressed as silly idiots, I mean army people haha. There are 8 of us going now as EG is bringing a friend too. So there are 3 boys and 5 girls. I am looking forward to it so much...But I'm trying not to build it up as everytime I do I put so much pressure on myself for it to be a good night and then I end up being disappointed. It's just because we don't go out very often and for the first time since I was 21 there are a few of us going out for my birthday and they are all getting involved and dressing up and I just want it to be a success. I know I can't control what happens as I can't control other people only myself and therefore its pointless obsessing over whether it will be good or not but I can't seem to switch off. I do this every time I have something to look forward to and I wish I didn't. Oh and then I know I will be gutted when its over! Even though we still have a meal on Sunday with my family, a meal on Monday with S's family and then the photoshoot day with E on the Friday, so lots of good stuff still lined up.

I'm so grateful to have friends at the moment. For the first time in years I really appreciate my sister and F and EG. They are lovely genuine people who are great to be with. I can see now that D&P were never really friends to us, they were just people we got wrecked with. When I think now how I told them not to get me a birthday present just so they would come out with me, how we would lend them money so they would do things with us...It makes me wonder why? They were "party" friends who we used to have a good time with but nothing more. It is said that they are our closest relations and yet we do not spend any time with them any more. I don't even think they get wrecked that often any more but without the drugs we have nothing in common with them. I have not invited them on my birthday because, although they probably couldn't afford it, to be honest I don't want them there which is sad but true. The people that are coming are coming because they genuinely like me and want to celebrate my birthday with me for that I am glad.

I have realised that in my years of drug taking I was pretty selfish and self absorbed. I only used to want to do things that involved getting wrecked and was not interested in going to see people, going to the cinema, for meals etc etc. All I wanted to do was go out or sit at someones house and get wrecked. And then I usually just made a fool of myself and was stupid or restless. It was only in the very early days (before I left home) that I was totally satisfied with going out. Practically all the times I went out in recent years (on drugs) were a waste of time and money. It also makes me horrified now to think back to how I behaved when we had house parties and stuff, always wanting more drugs, taking stupid risks, moaning to S...Now I don't think any of it was really worth it. Yes we did have some great times but the number of those are far outweighed by the bad times. It all ended up abit desperate to be honest - the way I needed to be wrecked just to have a good time. I think I am finally getting used to being a "normal" person and appreciating the things normal people do...

I still feel abit disconnected from S which I want to change. I know he feels that I am grumpy most of the time and he is probably right. I don't know why I am like this it seems like I just have to find myself something to worry about all the time. We never seem to spend any quality time together where we actually talk to each other. Having the dog doesn't help as one of us always has to be watching what he's up to but it is no excuse. I need to make more of an effort and to try and be more cheerful. I know I keep saying this but I need to keep trying until it happens. Fake it until you make it, as they say. Jxx