Gah!

Feeling totally pissed off and irritable today and have been since last night. Could not get into counselling at all, I just didn't feel like being sociable or talking to anyone. Everyone is/was annoying me and I'm snappy. Got home at ten so I didn't have time to get a shower or wash my hair. I feel ugly and scruffy, my skin has gone bad again and my foundation is useless so you can see all my spots. Feel such a mess. Got to go straight to college again tonight for a stupid 20 minute tutorial so I will be lateish home again. My tutor also expects me to type up last nights journal entry today in order to bring it with me tonight. I don't know when she thinks I've got the time - its ok I don't have to go to work or wash or clean my house or anything.

I've ordered some clothes from New Look online for my birthday and I know they are going to be out of stock. I wish they wouldn't put things online if they don't have them in, its disapointing and I don't have the opportunity to go into Lancaster to see if they are in stock there. Got another boring weekend coming up as S has to get this room finished for E coming next weekend so I will be sat at home twiddling my thumbs, cleaning and shouting at the dog. just like the weekend just gone then.

I wish I could drive so badly. I hate being stuck at home, dependent on lifts and public trnasport. I can't go and do anything on my own. I feel useless and trapped. We have no money for my lessons or test and I don't know when we will again. We have decided to get a new boiler as we are doing the spare room up where it is and we want to put it in a different place plus our boiler is old and you can't get parts for it anymore. So we need £700 for that plus £300 for plastering and then S says we may as well change our bedroom radiator at the same time as its the only one left, whilst the systems drained down etc etc. We aren't doing that until may but all spare cash is going towards that and various other house things that need doing.

Gah! I can't even be bothered to write any more. Jxx

Randomness

• I am so so bored at work. I have things to do I just can't be bothered. I feel really unmotivated sitting here on my own.
• I am on a fairly strict diet again. I find the only way I can diet is to restrict what I'm eating totally. I don't seem to be able to exercise portion control or will power I just have to cut foods out totally and eat the same thing every day so that I don't have to think about it. Plus it saves money. At the moment I'm meant to be eating a banana for breakfast, porridge for lunch and mushroom soup for tea. It doesn't sound much but I somteimes end up having something random extra as well such as some nuts or a chocolate bar. Not really noticing a difference in weight still which is annoying.
• We are so skint. We need £94 for plasterboard and adhesive for the spare room and thats all our money gone. We are going to be skint in February as well because of going to Blackpool for my birthday - I just hope its worth it.
• My sister has met a lad from Essex last week in Medication (Cream) who is at Liverpool uni. She went to a house party he was having on sat for his birthday and had a good time (she went on her own - she's braver than me!) This week all her housemates are abandoning her and going home so she asked D (this lad) what he was doing and he's invited her to his mums house in Essex! I hope she has a good time. I would like her to meet a nice lad she hasn't had much luck in the relationship stakes for some strange reason.
• Still not feeling like sex much. This is really winding me up. How long does it take to get rid of the pill hormones for goodness sake? I have read that stresses in everyday life can make your sex drive disappear but I'm pretty much always stressed and I don't know how to deal with it. I can never sleep at night these days I just lie awake turning things over in my mind. Thinking about stupid things such as what clothes to wear, things I need to buy - stuff that isn't even important yet for some reason my brain won't shut down. The dog needed the toilet at 5:22 this morning so I had to let him out. I wasn't very impressed and did not want to get up again at 7:30.
• I want to buy some new clothes. I want some new black jeans and some other stuff. I don't need any of it and we can't afford it. It doesn't stop me looking at clothes shops online though....
• CF has just come to see me on his dinner. He's working at Plumb Centre now. I miss him and our little chats. We were suposed to be going bowling this friday but his girlfriend is busy now so we aren't. Seeing him has cheered me up for half an hour which was nice

Jxx

Counselling (session 2)

Had my second session of the counselling course last night and I was feeling a little nervous again before arriving at College. This was not helped by the fact that I was stuck at work until 5:50 waiting for S to finish which gave me less than 10 minutes at home and no time to have any tea before setting off again. The traffic was also worse than last week which nearly made me late and I had to run up 4 floors (I'm so unfit!) . Once I’d arrived however I felt comfortable immediately as I got a seat next to someone I enjoyed working with last week and found friendly and easy going. Another member of the group commented that they liked my new hair colour which again made me feel happier and more confident.

We began by looking at a handout our tutor had made compiling the points each group had made the previous week under the different headings of the group contract (Confidentiality, Respect, Support, Responsibility, Choice and Punctuality) She had also formed the points into a contract on another sheet which we had to read through to see if we agreed with the contract as a group. We all seemed to think the contract was fair and covered all our expectations/fears however we decided against signing it. My personal reason for this was that if we left it open then other points could be added if necessary and it did not seem so formal and rigid. We next went onto look at the reasons why a contract is necessary in counselling.

We were then given a number from one to three and got into groups according to our numbers. I was with 3 people I had not worked with before which I was pleased about as I was hoping to work with every body at some point in order to get to know different people and to make the most of the experience. In our groups we had to write down what themes/points we thought would be in a professional counselor’s contract between themselves and their client. I was nominated to write our points down which meant I had to concentrate on my spelling! After discussing these issues we were asked to reform into groups in order to try to formulate a definition of the word counselling. As we were getting into our groups we were asked to note whether or not we were asked to be in a group or whether we asked others. I went back to the group I had just been in with 2 of the other members. We all decided quickly that we wanted to work together again possibly because it was easier and we did not have to worry about being “chosen” (or not chosen) by any one else.

Following on from this we started to look at activities that help people such as giving information and advice, listening, being there, reassurance etc. Against this we looked at jobs that need these skills but are not counselling. We got into new groups with people we had not worked with before (I was with 2 nice girls about my age) and we chose 2 of the professions. We then had to come up with ways the professions were not similar to counselling/did not use counselling skills and ways that they did. My group chose Teachers and Nurses. I found this exercise interesting as it made it clearer how counselling is different to other useful helping activities, especially the fact that it is voluntary and is focused on the individual helping themselves rather than being told or even advised to go a certain way.

We finished off by learning more about the two assessments we will need to complete in order to successfully pass the course and the introduction of “check in” at the beginning of next weeks session where we can tell anything to the group and the group will just listen. I think this will be good practice for me both in improving my listening skills and giving me more confidence to talk in front of groups of people. Again the session went very quickly and I felt that I actually learnt some things about counselling and counselling concepts that I did not know before as well as getting to know the group better. I felt a little drained when I got home as I think issues we are raising in the group are challenging me to think more and to think about my own life in more depth. This was however one of the reasons why I wanted to take the course in the first place, in order to give myself some direction and to hopefully deal with my own problems in a more productive way. I have found that already the course is helping me to stay calmer on the phone when I am talking to customers and to not let stressful situations at work get to me as much (maybe anyway????????).

I am however feeling a little unhappy with my life in general. I am sad and frustrated about my driving as I do not know what to do about it espcially as the longer I leave it the worse/harder it will be but I don't want to book another test and even if I did we can't afford the lessons/test fee etc. We are skint again as its going to cost more than we thought to get the spare room into a presentable state for my sister to stay in, plus the price of food and fuel and gas have all gone up so we are getting less and less money each week. S keeps telling me he needs money for this and that and I just can't find it for him. We had to use what was left of my birthday present money to put diesel in the van last night which has annoyed me abit (I have got a present - a cheap digital camera but I wanted to get some clothes or make up or a cd as well) I feel abit unconnected to S as well like he isn't really understanding me or supporting me at the moment. I try to talk to him about things but its just a one sided conversation and I end up talking to myself. Not sure how to resolve any of this but I supose its good to get it out. Jxx

Hair - through the years!

Had abit of a hair emergency this weekend. ....

Basically my hair has been highlighted blonde since I was 17 years old as I was so sick of its naturally mousy brown colour (even the name sounds flat and boring!) But for some reason despite having it highlighted for years it never seemed to get how I wanted it to look ie it never seemed blonde enough especially not the bottom half of my hair (even though looking at photos now it looks ok and was the longest its ever been!) Picture 1

Anyway when I was 20 I was so bored of no one ever noticing that I'd had my hair done and it always being the same so I decided to have it cut to short well just above my shoulders (mistake one - I've been growing it back ever since) Then I got talked into having brown put underneath it so it was half blonde half brown (was ok but a bit scallyish - Picture 2) and then a black flash put into the front (huge mistake) I was so unhappy with how it looked after I had the back flash put in as it made my hair look constantly greasy and I had been paying a fortune to have it done at a posh salon so I decided to stop going there and to dye it all back brown myself to save money/having my roots touched up etc (Picture 3)

This lasted for a while and then I decided I looked boring and dyed my hair red and cut myself a fringe (could these mistakes get any worse????) Of course I didn't suit a fringe and although I liked the red, the colour was too dark for me as I am quite pale and freckled (nice) So I ended up getting Sh to dye it back brown and to put a few blonde highlights in (Picture 4). Gradually over the next year I had Sh put more highlights through it whilst still trying to grow it longer, until I got back where I had started 6 years previously! Picture 5

However I was again back to my original problem that I didn't think it was "blonde" enough. So yet again in order to save money I decided to dye it myself - all blonde. After a couple of attempts with different dyes I found in order to see a result I had to use a very ice blonde colour (Picture 6). I was fairly happy with the colour however people started commenting that it was a little bit brassy/harsh on me which I agreed with and also my roots were coming through very dark and needed touching up every 3 weeks minimum.
So on saturday I decided to go dark blonde just to take away the harshness which I thought would be fairly straightforward....Well for some reason the dye reacted with the colour of my hair and went grey/purple! All over! I tried washing up liquid to take the colour out but that didn't work, then we dashed to Morrisons to put a wash in wash out colour of it but that just made it worse (it didn't help that that was purple too!) In the end we had to go to Asda at 8pm on a saturday night to buy some more hair dye and I've ended up going (yes you've guessed it) back to brown! Picture 7! But the brown is actually a nice warm chestnut and at first I was just so relieved that my hair wasn't grey and purple I didn't really think about it, but now I actually really like it. For the first time in years my eyebrows are the same colour as my hair (!) and I think it makes my eyes look greener. S likes it and as yet no one else has really said anything but I'm hoping the family/friends will like it too. I think I will stay this colour for a while and possibly get a few blonde streaks put in it when E and I go on the modelling day but we shall see. You really think I would have known better than to mess with my hair by now....Oh atleast my roots shouldn't show up so badly!
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Weekend was pretty quiet apart from that. We had a skip delievered saturday morning to get rid of all the rubbish from the bathroom/spare room so spent the morning filling that. Then S carried on working on the new spare room and I took Bailey on the beach as the weather was actually sunny for a change. Saturday evening was spent sorting the hair out! Then we had some drinks and watched tv. Sunday S did more work on the spare room and I lazed about then in the evening we were gready and had a very fat munch of pizza, crisps and dip, tiffin, caramel shortbread and lemon cakes! Whilst watching Harry Potter on box office! Was a pleasant weekend to be honest. We were meant to be going bowling on Saturday night with C&J but it was too busy so we are meant to be going this friday instead (just as well really given the hair situation.)

We have been lucky with money this weekend as well which has been nice. We both got a new tax code this week so we got over £100 backdated pay which has paid for the skip and my mums couisn (my Great Auntie Bel's daughter) sent us a cheque for £30 as my mum had written to her at Christmas telling her about our wedding (amongst over things) and she had wanted us to have something. Auntie Bel and I shared a birthday so I feel like we shared a little bond even though I don't remember her I used to write to her every year. Not sure what we are going to get with it yet it should be something we can keep rather than plasterboard or wire for the spare room.....

J is away this week in Gambia so I am on my own in the office. Not such a bad thing although I will miss the company and I have to go to counselling on my own tomorrow. I supose I should get on with some work really! It's hard to be motivated when you're on your own. Jxx

Taking responsibilty vs Repeating the same behaviours?

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost ... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place but, it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in ... it's a habit. my eyes are open I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

Counselling Course - Session 1 Review

So I went to the first session of my counselling course last night and I actually really enjoyed it. I was feeling quite apprehensive before we got there which wasn't helped by the fact that I was in a rush from work and I knew we were going to have to introduce ourselves/talk about ourselves in front of the others which for some reason I don't like doing! I was glad I had J with me as atleast I knew somebody even though when we got there we were immediately mixed up with the other members of the group.

There are 16 of us altogether on the course, 5 men and 11 women, all different ages and stages of education, all different reasons for being there. We started by putting name stickers on and arranging ourselves in alphabetical order, birthday order etc to break the ice. Then we were given a partner who we had to talk to to find out 3 things about them and then introduce each other to the group. After that we were in groups of 4 and we had to discuss our hopes, fears and expectations of the course. We had a tea break about half way through and when we came back we had points to discuss about a "group contract" and what we expected from each other ie. respect, punctuality, support, confidentiality. We finished with an experiential exercise where we had to imagine we were in a swimming pool and we had to put ourselves where we wanted to be (deep end, shallow end, slide etc) which was to make us think about what kind of person we were and do our choices tell others something about ourselves or is it only if we explain them to others?

The evening went quickly despite it being 3 hours long and I am looking forward to getting to know the others on the course better over the next 10 weeks. There was one man who I think might annoy me a little, he is harmless but doesn't really let others get a word in and thinks he knows the answers even though he was only looking at things on a literal surface level rather than any deeper meaning. A few girls there had been to Lancaster uni and were studying pyschology so I have a bit in common with them and I liked the 3 people I was in a group with which was also good.

Something I reaslised last night is that I need to listen to other people better. Sometimes I find that when I am talking with people I am just waiting to say my bit rather than actually listening fully to what the other person is saying. I need to keep quiet more and actually encourage other people to talk and respond to what they are saying instead of going on about myself. I do know that I am doing this and last night I was aware of it so I was trying to make a conscious effort to not speak so much but it is a skill I need to work on. I hope this course will enable me to do this...

S has just gone home from work as he is not feeling very well with a cold/flue type symptoms. I feel ok at the moment although I will not be impressed if I get it as well (which I probably will!) I have got quite abit to do today so I supose I'd better crack on! Jxx

Good and Bad

I failed my driving test again. This time it was for getting too close to a parked pick up truck! I really thought I had passed as I had done everything ok (I thought) I didn't have to reverse round a corner but I did my parallel park and turn in the road fine. I don't know how I can drive any better. I was careful with my speed, my mirrors etc etc etc. Gutted doesn't even come close to describing how I feel. I'm not booking another test for a few weeks as I just can't cope with it hanging over me any more. Plus we have no money for it so.....

I can't believe it is Monday again already, it feels like I haven't stopped this weekend as I haven't been at home. I've also been on a lot of public transport! 4 trains and 6 buses (all in Liverpool)! Had a pretty good weekend actually. The best and busiest I've had for ages.

On Friday night S and I went for a meal at the New Holly with J&B. I didn't feel like it at first as I was still upset from my driving test but I was glad we'd gone as it stopped me from brooding at home and the food was great - lots of choice. I'm thinking about going there again for my birthday. When we got back we watched Pirates of the Caribean 3 on box office which I thought was drawn out and confusing although there wasn't much of a storyline to it either! Went to bed at 1:30 when it finished and had to get up at 8:30 to get ready to go and stay with my sister so I was feeling pretty tired. I got to Liverpool at 12 and met E, took my stuff back to hers then we went back to town to have some lunch in Coasta and go shopping. I excersized restraint for a change and didn't buy lots of things that I liked but couldn't afford. I just got a black pinifore dress for £5 which I have been looking for for ages and some pj's in primark. E got a coat and a dress with her birthday money. Saturday night E cooked pasta and we drank a bottle of wine each and got the bus back to town. We decided to only got to Concert Square as neither of us were really feeling Mood. We went to L1/Reflex for abit and then to Walkabout where we stayed all night. It was a much better night in there - they played a good mix of classic tune and new ones, and it was busy but not heaving. I only had one drink whilst we were there so we were just dancing the whole time. We got in for about 2. I have worked out that if I drink a bottle of wine before I go out and then have a couple of vodka oranges when I'm out then I'm not too drunk or ill.

On sunday F&EG got the train up and we met them in town at 12, had some lunch in Yates before going round the shops again. Really enjoyed it as the four of us get on so well and it was something that we've not done before. I know I keep saying this but we all agreed that we need to make more effort to do things with each other. They truly are great friends and we had such a laugh together. I got the train back with F&EG at 4 and by the time I got home and saw S and Bailey and unpacked it was time to go to bed!

I have had a good weekend although S was abit of a pain ringing me drunk and stuff and somehow I have spent quite a bit of money as I was paying for things for E like meals and bus fares. It also feels like I haven't had a weekend in a way as I have hardly been at home and I was tired this morning. But we have to stay in for the next few weeks, as we are getting a skip for all the rubbish in the back yard/the old bathroom etc so we need £100 to pay for that, so I can chill out then. The next night out is for my birthday in 4 weeks time and I am determined to have a good one this year as it was crap last year! Me, S, F&A, E and EG are all going to Blackpool and we are dressing up....as army people! It was F and A's idea and everyone is doing it so we were getting bits for our costumes on Sunday. I've got an all in one camouflague shorts jumpsuit and a cap plus I got some camouflague print boots from Liverpool. F and E got them as well so we will all sort of match but we'll look individual as well. I got S some green combats to wear with his work boots and a beige T shirt. I think it will be great fun! E wasn't going to come which I was abit offended about as I had just made the effort to go up for her birthday to try and make sure she had a good one but I think seeing F&EG persuaded her. M&D are going to come down on the sunday so we can all go for a meal so they will take her home so she only needs to get the train one way I don't think it is too much to ask. It just means that we definitely need to get a move on with the spare room as she will need to sleep in it. The Friday after she has booked our modelling/photo shoot in Manchester so I've booked the day off and thats something else to look forward to. I need to think of 4 flattering outfits to take with me....

Starting the counselling course tomorrow night, I'm a little bit aprehensice about it although I don't know why. It is 6-9:30 every Tuesday for 10 weeks which is quite a long time and means I won't get home til 10 (and will miss CSI!) I hope I enjoy it. Jxx

I miss

"Unpredictable evenings. Not knowing where I’m going to end up. The wonderful, precious loss of whole chunks of time. Getting paid in vodka. Cackling. Intoxication in general. Competitive smoking. Churning through vast numbers of people around town and staying friends with some of them. Not minding going out and spending all evening in high heels because the drink numbs the pain after a bit. Spending whole days in the pub shouting.
And I know full well, even now, that one of the best – no, hell, the best – way to spend the weekend, ever, is just the two of you, the place to yourselves, red wine, vodka and a pile of your drug of choice. Talking, sex, shouting, sleeping, drinking, snorting, smoking, then doing it all again, all on our little island. I miss that."

The above is taken from an article I've just read in The Times (Tania Glyde 2008. Extracted from Cleaning Up: How I Gave up Drinking and Lived, to be published by Serpent’s Tail on Thursday) and I can relate to it so much.

When I knew that I had to give up drugs I made a list of all the positives and negatives of the situation. There were very few actual positives. I used to get the list out and look at it every weekend whenever I felt the urge to text someone and ask if they "had anything." There are many things I don't miss about drugs and their after effects and on the whole I feel much better in myself now, much happier and more contented with life. I think that I have accepted life for what it is, that it cannot always be exciting and interesting. That we have to make the most of it, the best of what we have...."The truth is that life is pointless, the world is a pointless place. You just have to make the best of it.”

But some feelings you just can't recreate in ordinary life. I miss the way I used to feel sitting in D&P's darkened room watching the candles flicker listening to music knowing I was about to come up. The way I used to feel the music as if it was flowing through me and being totally happy to sit there with my eyes closed just listening to it. Being in a club and being unable to keep still - literally having to get up and dance. Lying in bed with S talking about anything and everything for hours, then forgetting what we were talking about and just lying there together. Going up to Jubilee Tower and sitting there in the dark looking at the lights of Lancashire spread out below us. Feeling like anything is possible, acheivable, positive. Feeling like if I was to die right at that present moment then it wouldn't matter because I felt truly happy and complete.

I know none of these things are real but they were real at the time and no matter how I try I can't recreate them. I wish I had never tried drugs because then I would never know what I miss. I will always be in danger of going back. I don't want to because it is a road to nowhere. It has been a year now (with 2 slips I think) and I will not go back. I know I am romanticising it, that I only remember the good times and that I need to put it in the context. There were more bad times than good towards the end - so many times I was restless and bored, how bad I would feel for days afterwards, the money I wasted, the stupid way I behaved, how dependent I was and so so many more negatives.

It has been in the paper recently that a North Wales police chief has described ecstacy as less harmful than aspirin. In some ways this may be true and I certainly know many people who can take it and have no seemingly ill effects and can give it up easily. I am not however one of these people and I feel it will be with me for the rest of my life. Jxx

Last night I...

Had the most delicious soup ever - Asda's cream of mushroom. It was beautiful and I've got some more for my tea tonight.

Cried because I can't face my driving test. I think I have got worse and not better and I don't want to do it any more.

Cuddled Bailey who fell asleep on the arm of the sofa with his paw round me and his feet on my stomach.

Couldn't find anything to watch on television. I don't know what is going on at the moment it is rubbish - everything on sky is just repeats. I think the new series of CSI starts tonight and ANTM and 2 pints start next week thankfully! I also really want to get Sky plus. We have been umming and ahhhing about it for ages but I think it would be good and then atleast we could record things. Its just more money though isn't it?

Decided that I need (read want) a new coat. Its not that we have money to waste or anything I have just got it into my head that I want a smarter more fitted coat to take to Liverpool with me as my duffle coat is a) abit too long and boxy, b) a year old and needs dry cleaning c) my "work coat". Theres nothing wrong with it as such I just only have one coat and I wear this one for dog walking/work/going out everything and I would like a different one for best. Also S has just had a new coat for work and some new trainers so I can justify me getting something!

Jxx

Monday morning stresses

What is it about Monday mornings that are so stressful? I know it is because we are closed for 2 days so everyone saves up their problems and then dumps them all on you first thing Monday morning but still. J is off because she has this sickness bug thing thats going round. I know she is probably ill but it annoys me that I can never have a day off sick especially not a Monday but she can. I didn't have a single day off sick all last year even though there were times when I felt crap. I have got quite abit to do this morning but I have spent most of it on the phone trying to sort jobs out/move jobs bla bla bla.

Weekend was pretty pleasant. We spent lots of money but now we aren't wasting £50 on going out we can get more for our money! We went to Homebase at Kendal on Staurday to get some spray paint for the bathroom window and for a look around as it was 10% day, then we called into Asda on the way home to do the food shopping which was horrendous! We went for a meal to Slyne Lodge on Saturday night, the food was nice and restaurant quality rather than your typical pub fair, but the service was quite slow. Still it was nice to get out of the house. Sunday we went to the factory shop and bought lots of bits and bobs (a work coat and trainers for S, a lead, t shirt and chews for the dog etc) I nearly got some beige Cat boots but they were £40 and I couldn't justify when I would wear them although I wanted them!

The bad side of the weekend was that my driving was awful on Saturday. N was an hour late as he had overslept which wasn't the best start. I just couldn't drive properly, I was all over the place and unable to find the gears which was awful. I had a mental block with parallel park for some reason and messed that up. I just can't correct myself when I go wrong, I get confused about which way the wheels are facing and which way I need to steer when I'm reversing. I hate it so much. I felt I was doing a good job when I was driving the van and I felt confident but as soon as I got back in the focus I was rubbish. I know I can drive well I don't know what was wrong with me. I am so sick of this hanging over me all the time I just want to give it up. I need to slow down as I get panicked and do everything quickly to get it over with which is why I make mistakes. I need to do everything slower than I think in order to stay calm and in control. I know this but I can't seem to do it. I feel useless. Jxx

2007 Questions

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Learnt to drive
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I gave up drugs which I have stuck to. This year I want to pass my test and to loose some more weight. Oh and give up drinking wine when I'm out!
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, Fiona had Dylan
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No thankfully
5. What countries did you visit?
Wales and Scotland
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
A driving license! A higher sex drive, and to spend more time with friends/family
7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
7/7/07 - our wedding day
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Learning to drive and getting married
9. What was your biggest failure?
Failing my driving test/s
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I was depressed in places but nothing too major thankfully.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My black jeans, actually all my grey/black winter wardrobe
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Both our families at the wedding
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Steven's family on the run up to the wedding. People at work
14. Where did most of your money go?
The wedding, driving lessons, the new bathroon
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Getting married
16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Rihanna - Umbrella
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
b) thinner or fatter?
c) richer or poorer?
Happier, thinner and richer! Can't be bad
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Spent time with friends/family
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Eating, wasting money on going out getting drunk
20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family
21. What was your favorite month of 2007?
July
22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Even more so
23. How many one-night stands?
No
24. What was your favourite TV programme?
Shark, Ramseys Kitchen nightmares
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I wouldn't say hate. I don't like some people who used to work for us
26. What was the best book you read?
The Other Womans Shoes
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Scouting For Girls
28. What did you want and get?
To get married
29. What did you want and not get?
My driving license
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
DeJa Vu
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 23. I went to Lancaster and got too drunk and was very ill the next day. It was rubbish
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Passing my driving test!
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
I finally got back into fashion! All my winter wardrobe has been black and grey. Lots of layering, knitted dressed, skinny jeans tucked into black flat boots.
34. What kept you sane?
Julie, my family and Steven
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Timbaland
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The smoking ban
37. Who did you miss?
My sister
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Chris or Nigel my driving instructor.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
There's no point worrying over things you have no control over. Be more positive. Be nice to yourself - if you aren't who will be!
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"Now that its raining more than ever, know that we'll still have each other."

Why does a new year feel depressing?

For some reason every new year I feel abit down. I don't know whether it is because Christmas is over and everything goes back to normal and we go back to work and reality, or whether because everyone is skint or because the weather is bad. Whatever the reason I just feel abit low. Not terrible or anything just abit miserable and stressed.

New year was a disaster. I don't know what it is about that night that makes it go wrong! We went into town to meet F&E at half 8 which was all good. I had one drink in the Litten Tree, two drinks in Walkabout and that was it - I was totally out of it. Apparantly we went to the Friary which I have no recollection of then we went to M's but I was sick so S had to take me home. I was sick in the taxi and then endlessly at home before passing out around 11. I don't remember any of this. I don't know if there was something in my drink or I was ill or something but I have never been that ill. I can drink way more than that without being drunk. It wasn't even like I was drunk though I was just totally out of it and my mind is a blank.... Anyway so new year was a waste of time and we had to borrow money off M to get home as taxi's were time and a half/double time so more expensive than we expected. Plus S's family are probably all laughing at me know because I was so out of it and was sick everywhere, so now I feel stupid. Not a great start to the year.

I was in bed ill all the next day. Every time I got up I felt sick and dizzy. I finally managed to get up at 7pm and get a shower. S cooked me some potatoe smiley faces which I made me feel abit better. Then the next day we were back at work! Work is ok although hectic of course, and I'm not sleeping well. I think it is because I know I have to get up so I'm paranoid about oversleeping so I wake up every couple of hours in the night to "check" what time it is. Either way I'm not sleeping through. I think I am worrying about my driving test again as it is next week and I still don't feel I have practiced these stupid corners enough. I am so sick of the whole thing now I just want to give it up. I can drive and I am sick of wasting money trying to pass my stupid test.

I am going to see E next weekend for her birthday with F&EG. We are suposed to be going on saturday and going shopping/out etc and then coming back on the sunday. I wasn't sure whether F would be comfortable leaving D, even though she said she would, and now she has said that she might get the last train home on the sat night so I'm not sure now whats happening. Either way I am staying and I will try to give E a good night. She deserves a nice birthday and I know she isn't really doing anything else for it so I want this to go well.

I don't know how I feel about going out and drinking anymore. After new year I felt like I never wanted to drink again and to be honest I think going out is pretty much a waste of time. S doesn't really enjoy it and unless there is a group of you then its abit boring. I'd still like to go to the pub with a group of people or go on a big night out to somewhere like Blackpool or Liverpool once in a while but thats pretty much it. I have suggested to S that we start going for meals on a Saturday night instead of going out as it gives us something to do and is cheaper! We also have £20 of cinema vouchers that we got for Christmas so we can always go to the cinema.

I definitely need to not drink wine any more. I know I keep saying this but I seem to buy it without thinking! I can drink it at home before I go out but then if I must drink when I'm out then it needs to be vodka and orange. Thats the only thing that doesn't seem to get me wrecked/in a state/ill. I have it in my head that vodka and orange is more expensive than wine but it isn't, well certainly not a single. That has to be another resolution I think!

I am glad this is only a 3 day week. Although some businesses don't start back til next week I think this has proabably eased us in gently. I am looking forward to this weekend though! Not that we are doing much but I appreciate being off so much more when I have been in work. Jxx