I have decided....

I'm going to stop taking my pill. I have been thinking about this on and off for a while and after researching it on the internet yesterday I have decided not to renew my prescription. I have been taking it for 8 years in Ferbruary and I think it is a good idea for my body to have a break. I always thought that it wasn't causing me any problems but I've been reading about how it can make people moody, depressed and disinterested in sex, and all those things are me! I just can't believe that I am "naturally" like this. I never used to be as stressed or as grumpy or as "dead" as I am now. I have never attributed it to the pill as I have gradually got worse over the years but I am now wondering if it has been having some kind of impact. It is not right for me to not find anyone or anything attractive or to totally never think about sex and I know that I haven't always been this way. Yes I am stressed about other things which adds to it but filling my body with hormones can't help either. I am going to finish taking it on sunday which is my 7 day break and then I'm just not going to start again and we shall see if it makes any difference! Jxx

Everythings on top of me again

I'm sitting here at work feeling like I can't cope with anything and panicking that I have things I should be doing yet I'm not able to do any of them. I feel like all the pressure in my brain is building up and I want to run away and scream.

I'm stressing over the same things over and over again. I can't sleep at night because my brain won't switch off. I know I should stop thinking about them but I can't and the more I think about them the more panicky I feel.

I don't want to do my driving test, we have no more money for lessons after this test and my driving instructor is leaving anyway, I don't think people are going to like their Xmas presents but I can't afford to buy them anything else instead and even if I could I don't know what, I thought I'd sorted what I was getting for S but now my choices seem boring and not enough for him, I need to finish my cross stitch, I need to read my counselling book...

I feel numb inside I don't feel anything anymore - well not anything good anyway. I feel exasperated with other people especially S's family and I don't want to be. I never see S, he's always busy and I'm sat downstairs with the dog. We hardly have sex I don't know if it would bother me if I didn't have it again. I mean it bothers me immensley but I just don't feel like it at all. I don't ever think about it or feel like I need it/want it. I don't find anyone attractive, I don't find myself attractive. Nothing interests me or excites me. I just feel dead inside and I have for a long time. I don't know when all this started it seems to have been going on for years. I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know what to do. Jxx

5 good things...

• We are going for a meal tomorrow with L and his girlfriend K. It was his idea and I'm looking forward to it as we haven't seen him properly for ages although he calls into work to see me sometimes. After the meal they are staying at ours so we can have some drinks. L has grown up so much in the past year I'm really proud of him for getting his job as a plastering apprentice and for getting (and keeping!) a nice girlfriend! He's going to be 17 next week I can't believe it.
• We are going bowling either next week or the week after with C and his girlfriend J which should also be good. Haven't met J yet but I have been speaking to her online and she seems lovely. I just hope S will behave himself and be nice!
• I am going late night Xmas shopping next Thursday with C to get S's presents. I'm looking forward to it as I enjoy spending time with C and he is a great shopping partner!
• I am having chicken tikka and cheese jacket potatoe for tea tonight which I am seriously looking forward to ;-)
• I'm glad its Friday tomorrow and that I don't have to get up early on Saturday for a change. Not sure what we are doing on Saturday yet but I would like to go out for a drink as we haven't been out for about a month.

Jxx

Boring

I've not written much recently mainly because I seem to be saying the same things all the time and its getting boring. It makes me feel boring, all I do is complain about the same issues and stress about the sane things over and over again. So here is my boring roundup of the past week:

Last week was horrendously stressful, one of the worst I've had since I worked here. We were so busy as the weather has gone cold again, we only had one engineer as IB was off sick (again), D wasn't any help and was stressed and shouting whenever you asked him anything, customers were complaining, I couldn't get back to anybody as per usual. I was so glad when Friday came round. Thankfully, although yesterday was stressful, IB is back now so this week shouldn't be as bad.

Had a good driving lesson on Saturday my instructor has got a new car which is better than the old one! I did my manouvers fine even my reversing round a corner. I wish I could do it like that on my test. Sometimes I can do it perfectly and other times I totally mess it up and can't correct myself. Saturday afternoon we went into Lancaster to start Xmas shopping which was awful as it was so busy and stressful. I really wanted to enjoy it but I could feel myself getting more and more annoyed even though I knew most of what I was getting people andwhere from we still ended up wandering around aimlessly. Plus it was raining so it wasn't even pleasant walking round. Saturday evening we went to Crows for tea with F&A which was lovely but expensive. I had vegetable fajittas which were gorgeous and just the right amount. They had a magician coming round the tables whilst you were waiting doing card tricks and he was brilliant. Even that close up we still couldn't work out how he did it! After the meal we went to the Tree, Walkabout and Moods for a drink. We left about ten as they had to get back for D and S was driving so he was getting fed up of not drinking plus town was heaving oh and it was still raining. Sunday S worked on the bathroom so I had to sit in the front room and babysit the dog whilst watching mindless drivel on television. Sunday was basically a wasted day on my behalf.

Argued with S abit over this weekend as I don't feel like he listens to me. I'll be trying to talk to him about something important and he just doesn't take it in. I have to literally prompt him for a response or he just starts talking about something else totally different. He never starts a conversation with me unless its about; work, tools, the bathroom or whatever DIY project he is doing at the moment. When I ask him to help me make decisions about the weekend, what we are having for tea, anything else he never responds or just says he doesn't know. Its no wonder why I just end up organizing everything myself. I feel like I am just living with a handyman sometimes. I know he is lovely and good at what he does but we never seem to spend anytime together as a couple. We watched Deja Vu together on Friday night which was nice but thats the only time we had all weekend without him dashing off to do something else. Yes he wants to get the bathroom finished but thats because he is enjoying it and he's rather be doing that than doing something with me. I have stuff to do as well, I have my cross stitch that I need to finish before Christmas plus a counselling book to read and I can't get either of these done because I constantly have to keep an eye on the dog. It would be nice if we could spend an eveving talking to each other and in the same room as each other for a change. It feels like he is always getting his own way and I never get to do the things that make me happy.

Not sure what the plans are for this weekend but I haven't got a driving lesson so I would like to make the most of it! Hmm. Jxx

6 weeks left in work

Only 6 working weeks until Christmas and I'm extremely glad. I am determined to enjoy Christmas this year as I didn't last year and I just felt disapointed and sad. I think that was partly due to work being stressful (which it still is) and partly due to organising the wedding, having Bailey etc. I also think it was alot to do with the fact that we were still doing drugs. The trouble with taking drugs is that I was only happy when I was on them. Nothing else in every day life made me happy so I was either wrecked and happy or coming down and depressed/ill. I am not going to be like that this year, I'm not obsessed with getting wrecked, needing money to buy drugs, wondering where the drugs are going to come from etc I can take pleasure in the simple things in life and truly enjoy things again. I do feel like a weight has been lifted and I'm learning to be happy with ordinary life again. Yes I do miss the euphoria you get when you come up as nothing "natural" can duplicate that feeling but (and its a huge but) we are obviously not meant to feel like this otherwise our brains would naturally produce this feeling, and if you have massive highs then you must have massive lows to balance this out. I spent years trying to have the highs with no lows and of course this is impossible. I would rather have a balanced life any day it has just taken me about 5 years to realise this.

I bought S and I advent calendars last night in Asda and a Christmas cd to listen to. We are putting out tree up on the first of December and I hope to have bought all the presents by then. I was so disorganised last year but this year I know more or less what I'm getting everyone and I've even bought a few bits already. I am getting into the festive spirit! We have decided to put Bailey into kennels for a few days at Christmas as well. Neither of us are entirely happy about this but we don't feel we have any choice as we are going to Wales to see my mum and dad and can't take him with us. He is going in Christmas Eve and we are picking him up the day after Boxing day. We really wanted to pick him up on Boxing day but the kennels aren't open for customers on Xmas day/Boxing day (understandably) so we can't. I feel quite mean doing this to him but people keep saying that he doesn't know its Christmas so it is only like putting him in for the 3 days when we went on honeymoon...I don't know, I do feel guilty but we need a break and we couldn't find any other way round it.

Not much else to report. Had a quiet weekend although it was nice. Driving lesson was ok as usual, when I got back I took Bailey for an hour long walk all round Heysham in the rain and the wind cos S was working. Then we went to The Royal for lunch/tea at 4 and had some drinks. I like the Royal alot although they seem to have just put their prices up so its actually abit expensive now (I supose being in Heysham Village makes them think they are posh!) Also they have taken the only desert I like off the menu (although that may be a blessing in disguise!) I had stuffed mushrooms which were very nice and I would have again. I do like the atmosphere in there it is nice and cosy plus we walked there and back so S could have a drink which is a bonus. Saturday night we watched X factor and then went to bed! Sunday we went to see F&D for a few hours which I thouroughly enjoyed. D has grown quite abit since we last saw him and he's now much more alert and interesting! He's also looing more like a person (like A actually) rather than a fragile little doll. S played with him whilst F and I had a good chat. It was lovely to see S with him, its making me want babies now! I am definitely feeling more broody now even though we still have to wait 2 years to have saved enough money to start trying to have a baby. After that we went to the factoru shop which was disapointing and then to B&Q for S and matalan for me. I got a jumper dress, some grey skinny jeans (to tuck into my boots) and a black deep v jumper all for £8 each! Bargain! I really won't pay anymore for clothes these days. I wanted a jumper exactly the same from River Island and it was £30! I could have bought 4 (almost) for that! Sunday night we walked Bailey and just relaxed. It was a pleasant weekend to be honest. No plans for this weekend as yet except we are going for a meal with F&A on Saturday to Crows which I'm really looking forward to. I can't see us being out late as F has to get back to feed D but it will be something to do. Oh and S and I are watching Deja Vu on Friday as I bought it in Asda last night as it was only £7!

Work is still stressing me out especially as D has had a go at me this morning for not knowing about a job that he booked in yesterday that I had never heard of, that he hadn't told anyone about, and that we don't have time for. So now a load of people who were already waiting have been queue jumped by a customer I didn't even know existed. Marvellous D, great organization skills, you tell all the customers who were already waiting why they are still waiting then and why I have nothing to tell them! He does my head in sometimes its his business not mine yet I get it in the neck every day. I'll just leave shall I and you can see how you all manage then. Meh. Jxx

Ramblings

What can I do to make my life better? This is the question that I keep asking myself. I have a lovely husband, a loving dog, a home that I'm proud of, a job that pays ok with friendly people... So what is it that I'm looking for?

I know I really want to pass my driving test but I will just have to keep trying at that until I get there. I supose the money side of that is worrying me as I have just had to find £160 to pay for some more lessons although my mum has kindly paid for my next test. I used to think I wanted more friends but to be honest I don't know if that would make much difference. We have good friends in F&A and I have C to talk to at work and my sister so I am ok really, I can't complain. I wait all week for the weekend but when they come around I don't seem to enjoy them anymore, I don't even get much satisfaction from going out. I went out with my sister in Liverpool on Saturday and whilst it was ok it wasn't brilliant.

I'm worried about my sister too. She is really down as well for similar reasons as me. She works so hard and her every day life at college is so demanding, then all the people she lives with go home at the weekend and leave her so she is on her own and has no one to do things with which means she has nothing to look forward to. Both of us are questioning if this is really all life is about? I want to pass my test so I can see her more often and go up and take her out on a sunday even just for a few hours.

What else are you suposed to do with life? I like going for meals and going for some drinks/out with friends would be a good laugh. I like walking the dog in the daytime when it is sunny. I like shopping when I have money to buy things. I enjoy watching certain tv programmes and films. I guess I just need to do more of these things. I seem to have lost my enthusiasm, for anything. But I really want to get it back. I want to be enthusiastic about Xmas this year as well as I used to love this time of year and last year I was miserable.

I just don't want to feel like I am waiting around to have children in order to have some purpose in my life because that won't be happening for atleast two years and even then that might not be what I think I'm looking for either.... Jxx

Worrying?

There are only two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about: but if you are sick; there are two things for you to worry about: either you will get well or you will die. If you get well, then there is nothing to worry about. If you die: then there are two things to worry about: either you go up or down. If you go up, then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go down you will be so busy shaking hands with old friends you won't have time to worry.

Undervalued?

Feeling really undervalued these last two days at work. Every since J&D have been back things have been worse rather than better. They won't answer any of my questions about things I need to know/customers I need to get back too and things that needed to be done on Monday still aren't done. I don't know what I was expecting but it feels like they aren't even appreciative of the work I've done while they've been away. They haven't once asked how I (or anyone) has found it (especially considering the problems we've had) they haven't even said thank you. Somehow this has really upset me as they have just breezed back as if we haven't done a good job of running their business for the past 2 weeks. We have coped with people being off, difficult jobs, things going wrong...I feel that I have done a good job and that its almost being thrown back in my face. I don't know maybe I am being petty but it has got to me.

Also I am so sick of S's mum coming to work all the time for no reason. I don't want to see her especially not when I am having a bad day and then to be told I look like I'm in a bad mood. I am in a bad mood for fucks sake and you've just made it worse! She doesn't even come to see me anyway she only comes to see the bloody dog. I am sick of being suffocated and having other people interfearing with my business yet giving me no support, sometimes I feel so alone even though everyone is poking their noses in....Jxx