Disappointed

I failed my test again. Really disappointed though as I only failed on reversing round a corner. I made a total mess of it as a bus came up behind me so I had to do it again and I just couldn't do it. I got one serious for that but that was all so if I had done it right/got a different manouver than I would have passed. I also had an examiners examiner in the back of the car as the examiner was being observed. I cried when the examiner had left as now it means I have to go through it all again. I know its not the end of the world but I hate it hanging over me, I hate how expensive and stressful it is and I hate the fact that I might do it 20 times and still not pass. When do you draw the line? I could get reverse round a corner everytime and mess it up every time...

Not much else to report really. J&D are finally back after being delayed on the way home. Not that they have sorted anything out and have buggered off this morning doing god knows what. D is supposed to be on a job today that he should have started yesterday and they are expecting him hours ago but he hasn't even gone yet. They make me feel so stressed at times ;-( I have been coping with all the shit thats happened over the past 2 weeks and I've done my best but I'm tired of it now its not my problem anymore.

Weekend was ok. We went to see Ratatouille on Friday night at Lancaster cinema which was a nice change and a good film. Although we got the time wrong and almost missed the beginning! Saturday we didn't do anything in the day except household stuff (boring) and walked the dog. Saturday night we watched X factor then went into Morecambe and ended up in Coast. It was ok actually, we saw R and some of his mates and L (CD's ex) so we had some people to talk to/dance with. I drank too much somehow even though it didn't seem that much at the time. Sunday we did more work on the house and lazed about as I felt crap. I don't know how/why I drank so much as it just ruined sunday and I should know better by now. I actually had a much better weekend the week before when we took Bailey on nice long walks in the day and just went for a meal at night. I think we will have to do that again but not this weekend as I'm going to Liverpool to see E which I'm really looking forward to. I am only going Saturday morning and coming home Sunday so it will be a brief visit but I haven't seen her since August so I'm just glad I am going. Plus it is something nice to look forward to after yesterdays disappointment/work stresses. Jxx

Steven

I thought it was about time I did a post about my dearly beloved other half as although I complain about him at times I really do not know what I would do without him....

He makes me laugh, he looks after me and makes me feel better. I can totally be myself with him, the most honest I have ever been. He has made me a better person through the way he is so nice himself. He is honestly the nicest most genuine person I have ever met. No one that has met him has a bad thing to say about him, you honestly cannot not like him! He does not have a bad bone in his body. He is great with people, he is always patient and friendly. He doesn't bitch about people or say things behind their backs. He is fantastic with children, I know he will make a brilliant dad and one who is fully involved and interested in his children. I can't wait to see him with our children ;-) He is good at all of the things I am not. But I am good at the things he isn't like planning, saving money, organising etc. Thats why we make a good team. We don't actually have a lot in common when I think about it but somehow it works.

He never ceases to amaze me with the things he can make/repair. He can build and fix virtually anything. He can make things out of wood, do plumbing, roofing, electrics...He just has to look at a problem and then he can think a practical way around it. The way he designed, planned and built his shed and now the new bathroom is so clever. Especially for some one who has never been taught these things. I think it is one of the reasons why I subconsciously liked him in the first place is that he is very like my dad (in that respect!) and I always admired my dad for being able to fix anthing you gave him. He is a "practical man" if you will! I also think that is also one of the reasons why my dad really likes him as he understands what he's talking about and they can have DIY conversations together!

He does irritate me at times with his passion for DIY etc but atleast he is interested in something! He tries his best to make me happy and to cheer me up although he finds it hard to understand why I worry and obsess as I do (but I think most people do!) I know he would never deliberately hurt me and as long as I treat him right he will be with me for the rest of my life and for that I am so grateful. It is easy to take someone for granted and I know I am guilty of this so it is good for me to stop and remind myself how lucky I am....

I love you Ste. Jxx

Chillaxing weekend

Had a nice, quiet, healthy weekend for a change! We also didn't really spend any money which was a major bonus as we didn't have any to spend as we had kept "borrowing" money from the following weekend so now we are finally straight again.

Had my driving lesson early saturday morning which was ok as it was nice and quiet on the roads. My parallel park wasn't brilliant but my reversing round a corner was better. I honnestly don't think I'm going to get any better at driving. I make silly mistakes when I'm not concentrating and I'm talking to my instructor but if I didn't talk and I just focussed totally on what I was doing (like in my test) then I drive ok. I really don't want to do my test I am starting to feel sick now that its only a week away. I don't feel like I will ever be certain to pass it all just depends how it goes on the day. I just want to get it over with and passed. I think if I fail this time then I'm going to keep booking cancellations til I pass and just blitz it. I'm sick of it hanging over me and having it in the back of my mind all the time. I keep trying to feel positive about it but its difficult plus the cost is worrying me still...

Saturday day my mum and dad came up and because it was nice weather we took Bailey for a long walk all along the beach and up to the ruins. I actually enjoyed it alot. It was beautiful sunshine and it was good to have other people to talk to whilst walking. Bailey was well behaved and we walked for an hour and a half! He was that tired when we got home he went to sleep on my knee bless him! Saturday night we all went to Verdes for tea which was busy and tasty as usual. I forget how much nicer restaurant pizzas are than bought ones! And I had profiteroles for pudding! We watched the X factor result when we got in and were in bed by 11!

Sunday we took Bailey for another longish walk this time along the footpath at Caton as the weather was beautiful sunshine again. We called at Glasson Dock to pick up the sink for the new bathroom and when we got home we just chilled and monged about watching tv. Thats all I seem to feel like doing on Sundays for some reason even though we hadn't had a late night and I had only had one glass of wine on Saturday! All in all it was nice to have a week without going anywhere and spending money. I surprised myself with how much I enjoyed the walks as well as I have never been a walking person but somehow when the sun is shining and the air is crisp it is lovely! I think having a dog definitely gives you an excuse/reason to get out of the house as well.

Work is abit stressful as I'm having to make decisions that J&D would normally do. JB has torn a ligament in his foot so he's going to be off until after Xmas so I've had to arrange cover for the shop with S, K and M. Plus everyone is abit stressed anyway. The new lad J is nice and knowledgable though and SB is organising the others so we are muddling along. Its going to be manic next Monday though as they are back but I'm doing my driving test and I know we will all be stressed!

S and I have still sort of got colds and I woke up this morning with a sore throat....Jxx

Lazy

I am being too lazy to write a big post today. I've been trying to get onto blogger all week but for some reason it wouldn't let me. Anyway here's the weeks roundup:

• Weekend was ok. Friday night we went to The Borough for a meal for J/P's birthdays. The place is nice inside although pretty expensive and there was a limited vegetarian choice. J liked her presents and everyone was in a good mood for once so it was a nice evening and made a change to do something on a Friday. On Saturday I had my driving lesson which was alright considering I hadn't had one for 2 weeks although I couldn't reverse round a corner for some reason. After that we went to choose a bath and toilet then went into Lancaster to get a voucher for F's birthday.We didn't stay in town long as the weather was horrible - really fine rain that goes in your face and soaks you and we couldn't be bothered.
• Saturday evening we went into Morecambe even though S didn't really want to as he was getting a cold but I was bored and X factor wasn't on because of the rugby, so I dragged him into Morecambe. We went to the Mermaid first which turned very odd! When we first went in the barman said to me "You haven't been in for abit" Which surprised me so I just said "No". We got our drinks and sat down. When I went to order the next round he remembered what we had had which wasn't that odd I supose so I take the drinks and go and sit down again. The next thing he comes over with another orange reef for me, puts it down infront of me and walks off, doesn't charge me for it or anything. S and I were puzzled as it was totally obvious that I am with S so why is he giving me a drink? I drink it anyway! After that we are leaving to go to Kings when I put the empty bottles on the bar he say "Are you going you won't have time to drink your drink!" I was confused and said "I've drunk it thanks" So he puts another reef in front of me and said "Not this one, you'll have to down it!" Half drunk at this point and not one to refuse a challege I pick up the reef down it in one and walk out! It was only when I thought about it in the morning did I realise how odd the whole situation was! Very strange. After that we went to another bar and then kings which was ok although the music was abit rubbish.
• Sunday S had agreed to go and put a new radiator on for F&A and I was meant to be going with him but I woke up with an awful stomach ache and was on the loo and then sick twice so I ended up staying in bed all day with the dog. It wasn't a hangover it seemed like it was something I'd eaten that had gone through me but I don't know what.
• Not much else has happened this week. J&D have finally gone to Brazil so I feel very important having the keys and being sort of in charge of the business! Just hope it is not going to be too stressful.
• We went to F&A's last night as it was her birthday. E&N were there as well and we all had a chinese. It was a good evening actually it is nice to have friends who are normal couples who want to do that kind of thing! It would be good to all meet up more often. E was all over D the whole time though, picking him up and playing with him and stuff. I find it abit intimidating as she works with babies so she knows exactly what to do with him and I don't but at the end of the day I was there to see F as it was her birthday not as an excuse to play with the baby! I think I will feel more confident with him when he is a little older and less fragile! I made F a photo collage of the four years we've been friends and got her a River Island voucher. She has asked E and I to be D's godmothers which I think is lovely.
• M&D are coming to see us tomorrow which I'm really looking forward to especially as we have no money so wouldn't be doing anything otherwise. I also have a driving lesson at 8 which I am not looking forward to although hopefully the roads will be really quiet as it is an ungodly hour to be up on a saturday morning!

Jxx

Julie sent me this....

Happy Day! Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description.
And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" Have a wonderful day ! To the Girls !!

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being -- hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

Send this to five bright women you know and make their day. When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over! Jxx

Trying

I'm trying different ways to be more positive at the moment. I've been reading some articles on the internet about coping with anxiety and stopping negative thoughts to try and help me. Now everytime I think of something negative I have to assess whether it is something I need to deal with or whether it is just "noise". If I need to deal with it then I set out a specific time when I will think about it and then forget about it til then. If the worry is just "noise" (ie obsessing over things, worrying over things I can't control, the worrying won't hep me etc) then I have to tell myself to stop and that I'm not going to think about it. It sounds obvious but its about getting control back of your own mind and not just letting it go over and over the same things and becoming more and more anxious. Also every time I put my self down or think I am fat or horrible I have to say to myself that I'm not and say something nice to myself (in my head) It feels abit stupid giving myself compliments but maybe if I think it often enough then I will believe it and besides if I don't do it then who will! Jxx

Personality test results

Your Unconscious Mind Is Most Driven by Reserve.
You approach the world with reserve because unconsciously, and perhaps consciously, you like to be in control. You keep your emotions to yourself and you may seem mysterious or enigmatic to others. You're often very cautious about truly expressing yourself. Even people who have known you for some time may find it hard to get close to you. Your psyche is very deep and rich; the more you learn about it, the more you will understand who you really are...

People with blue auras feel everything strongly - you tend to get a little emotional at the drop of a hat. You're also deeply spiritual and introspective. Matters of the heart, mind, and soul are important to you, and your waters run as deep as the ocean. Nurturing by nature, you're likely a loving, supportive caring person. That's why friends, family, and co-workers adore you. They know you're a good listener and always have great advice and a shoulder for them to cry on. In fact, if we had to find a fault, it's that you can be a tad too self-sacrificing. Remember that it's okay to say no sometimes. You forgive everyone else their weaknesses, so go ahead and forgive yourself for a little well-deserved selfishness. Indulge your creative side and do something arty, or just take a break from being the world's counsellor.

What do you think?????

Invisible

I feel invisible sometimes like no one notices how much I'm struggling and that if I wait long enough I'll just disappear. I was waiting an hour outside Asda last night for S to pick me up and I felt so alone watching everyone else with the families and friends all happy going shopping. There I was stood between 2 billboards with a trolly full of shopping crying, looking like an idiot and feeling totally alone. I need some purpose in my life, I feel sad about everything. I don't want to be stressed out and snappy and sad any more. I want to look forward to Xmas instead of dreading it like last year.

Spoke to my sister last night she is feeling down as well as she is in college so many hours a week and she has no one to do stuff with at the weekends cos they are all skint and they do things in the week but she can't and they don't understand how demanding her course is. I'm going to go and see her in November. I wish I could see her more if I could drive I could just go for the day. I wish I had passed my stupid driving test. I'm worried I'll never pass it.

I'm not going to be able to finish J's cross stitch for her birthday by tomorrow. I'm so disappointed. I've just got to keep doing it and give it to her in a few weeks even though its not the same.

Everything is getting to me at the moment I don't know how S puts up with me. He is so good to me, always being nice to me and trying to make things better. He deserves a happy wife instead of me. Why can't I snap out of this? Jxx

Same shit different day...

I'm still struggling at the moment. Now I have started to dread getting up in the mornings. Last night I felt sick thinking about having to come to work and deal with customers/speak to people on the phone. I never used to feel like this. I don't know whether it is just because I am struggling in general or if this is one of the reasons why I am so down. I am just bored so much of the time here which makes me feel like I am wasting my life. I want to feel like I have a purpose in going to work and to have my days go quickly instead of wishing hours away on a computer trying to find something to look at on the internet. I don't know what else I want to do though. I know I have this counselling course next year which might open some doors but that doesn't even start til January and I don't know if I can cope until then....

Weekend was good and bad in parts. Saturday morning I went into Lancaster early and met CF to go shopping. I was meant to be going with S but he had agreed to help MS at work move house so I was going to be on my own but then CF said he'd meet me. It turned out to be a good morning actually I would definitely go shopping with him again! We had a good laugh and I got some new jeans (size 8 haha) and some gold shoes and a top all from new look. S picked me up on his way back through so we could go to homebase and order the bathroom furniture. When we got back as it was nice weather we took Bailey on a long walk though Heysham Village.

Saturday night we watched X factor then went out into Lancaster as we thought it would be a change and we were meeting MS and his mates cos he was out celebrating moving house. Well what a waste of time that was! I have realised that I hate Lancaster I don't want to go there on a night out ever again! It was way too busy, we ended up going to Keystones, Bentleys and Walkabout none of which I even like. The drinks were expensive and the music was rubbish. I didn't get it - everyone in walkabout was raving away like it was brilliant and they were in a proper club. The dj was playing loads of old rubbish tunes from before I even started going out which were crap the first time around! It made me feel old for once, it was exactly the same as it was when we were going to Lancaster over 3 years ago. Boring and a complete waste of money.

Sunday S plasterboarded the new bathroom with the help of L&B whilst I sat sewing all day and trying to control Bailey (he was a pain) The bathroom is coming on now, we will need it plastering soon and then hopefully there will be less dust! I can't wait til its done. Sunday evening we watched "The Holiday" as J&D had lent it to us which was ok although the storyline was abit tenuous at times! I didn't leave the house all day yesterday which is bad but I felt totally unmotivated and scruffy and all I wanted to do was slob about and eat. Jxx

Tearful

Last night I sat in the van waiting for S to finish work for 45 minutes and cried. Last night in bed I cried. I keep feeling very tearful and the slightest thing threatens to send me off. My confidence has hit rock bottom. I disgust myself I don't like anything about me. No wonder I haven't got any friends and people don't want to talk to me. I feel sick when I look in the mirror. I don't know what I can do to make any of this go away. I feel nothing inside except bad thoughts or numbness. I used to be happy and confident years ago I don't know what has happened. Nothing seems to reach me any more, well nothing good anyway.....

In other news: F&A brought D round last night. He really is such a good baby. I held him (badly) S held him and was a total natural. I know he is going to be a fantastic dad it was so sweet watching him hold him. We also managed to keep the dog under control which was a relief. It was good to see F&A and that nothing has changed, I feel positive now that we are going to be friends forever. We were joking about Dylan being a monk when he is older. It's weird to think he will grow up to be a person, an adult. They said he is our honourary nephew, as he only has one "real" auntie & uncle (A's brother and his wife as F is an only child) which is lovely of them.

The pin has finally come for my card so S can get on with plasterboarding the bathroom. I will definitely be cross stitching all weekend now. Although I do need to go into Lancaster to get a present for J and two frames for the cross stitchings. Might get up and go early to avoid it being busy. J has gone to take the books to the accountant so I'm on my own. Just about to have a cup of tea. One side of my nose it blocked and my throat was sore this morning. I've started on the beachams though so I hope it won't develop into a full blow cold. Nothing else to say really. Jxx

I think I'm coming down with a cold....

J was off work yesterday as she's had a cold for about a week and today I've sneezed about 10 times and I've been feeling tired and docile. I feel so dopey, I can't be bothered with anything. I keep trying to pick myself up and be cheerful and happy but I just want to go to sleep. I'm going to take some beachams when I get home and hope that might ward it off.

Got F, A & baby D coming round tonight at some point. I really hope the dog is going to be well behaved. He's never seen a baby before and he can be so bouncy...

Dropped P's present off last night. I got her a bottle of smirnof and some lillies in the end as I had no idea what to get her and atleast she likes both of the above. She seemed pleased actually. We only saw them briefly as we were walking Bailey and they were going out. Suposed to be going for a meal on Friday I think for her and J's birthdays which should be good and means I don't have to cook!

Still haven't had the flipping pin number for my new card I'm seriously fed up with waiting now. If we don't get it by the weekend then S can't buy any stuff to get on with the bathroom so he'll be fed up and I will be bored as I can't go into town. Got to finish the cross stitch for J's birthday this weekend as its a week today and I've got loads left to do. I've just not been in the mood for it recently I've been finding it hard to concentrate on things. No idea what else we'll be doing so I'll probably just be sewing all weekend! No driving lesson though (thank god) so I did want to make the most of saturday but things seem to be conspiring against me...Jxx

Ugly

I am so emotional this week and I have a feeling most of it is due to PMT. It seems to be getting worse as I get older. I get literally 2 weeks when I'm ok and then a week where I'm either angry or upset and then the week itself. I need to see someone about it or something as I can't go on like this. I don't feel myself at all. I don't have any interest in anything, last night I felt so panicky and like I couldn't cope all because the pin still hasn't come for my new card so I can't use it and we need diesel and we couldn't go shopping either plus its P's birthday today and I have to buy her something tonight (albeit grudgingly) How stupid is that? I am practically having a panic attack over something so trivial.

Last night I just got out of the shower and sat in a heap on the bathroom floor and cried. I feel so ugly I have tonnes of spots, I never look how I want to look, I am fat everytime S cuddles me I can feel him touching my fat and it makes me feel sick. I don't feel attractive, I don't find anything attractive, I just want to climb in a hole and hide from the world. I am a boring, grumpy person who clearly isn't any fun to be around and who can't cope with everyday life. Jxx

Tense

• Not feeling like myself at the moment. I feel so stressed out, I'm worrying about everything and then panicking that I've forgotten to do things. I couldn't sleep last night as everything was going round and round in my head and I couldn't switch off. I can't seem to relax, I'm always so tense and snappy.
• I dyed my hair blonde at the weekend as I'm sick of paying someone else to do it and it only lasting six weeks. It has come out ok although I think I need to go lighter still. I also bought some clippers from the factory shop and cut S's. Considering I'd not done it before he looks good.
• D&P decided not to go out on saturday night but to just have people round. We didn't go as we couldn't be doing with them so we went to Morecmabe instead. S drank too much. We argued. I cried. We went home.
• Sunday we went to Glasson Dock for dinner. J fussed the dog, S had to dp a load of jobs for his dad, I had to sit there and be polite when really I didn't want to talk to anyone.
• I have totally gone off sex. I don't even think about it at all. I know it is probably because I am stressed but it frightens me and I know it is not fair on S. I don't feel at all attractive either.
• My mum said my sister is feeling down. I feel worried about her as I know she stresses more than me. I wish I could see her more. I can't even speak to her as they have no landline/internet yet. I'm going to write her a letter and send her a t shirt I have bought her.
• I wish I didn't feel so stressed and wound up. I don't like myself very much at the moment. Jxx