Unsettled

Feeling unsettled today. I don't really know why. I'm tired as well even though I've been going to bed at the normal time and sleeping right through til the alarm which is unusual for me. I haven't been doing anything strenuous for me to feel tired so I don't know where thats come from! This week seems to be going so slowly I can't believe its only Wednesday...

Went to see F&A and their baby last night. He is so small and soft. I've never seen such a "new" baby before (I've never known anyone close to me have a baby before to be honest!) He doesn't seem real. F let me hold him for abit and he didn't cry although I was worried I wasn't holding him right as he seemed so fragile. F&A seem to be copping brilliantly, both were their usual chatty selves and their house is coming on in leaps and bounds. I was glad F seemed just the same as before as I think I was worried she was going to be baby obsessed or something now she has D to worry about/look after but she was just how she always is. I think they are going to be great parents, they are a team and down to earth and sensible. I still don't know how I feel about babies. I've never been a "baby" person. Show me a puppy and I'll want to hold it and stroke it but a baby I'm not so sure..I think its cos babies are so much harder to look after than dogs and you want to get it right. I supose maybe its different when its your own? I do definitely want children I've just never felt that "urge" that everyone else seems to. It worries me that I'll be a useless mother....

Not been eating well recently. I seem to be slipping off my diet which I'm cross at myself about. I have started writing down everything I eat so that I can keep an eye on where I'm slipping up. My main weakness is at the weekend and eating biscuits at work because they are there and because I start to feel hungry/bored. I ate some buttons, 2 biscuits, a cherry bakewell and some flapjack yesterday which was totally greedy ;-( Sometimes I just want to say sod it and eat whatever I like but thats until I look in the mirror and see my fat stomach and then I don't want to eat at all.

Still waiting for my new credit card to come. If it doesn't come by the weekend then we aren't going to be able to do anything as we have no money....Jxx

Happiness

I've been thinking alot about happiness this morning. Especially seeing as thats what this blog is meant to be about - to help me figure out life and how to be happy.

I know I complain alot when really I have so much to be thankful for. It's just hard sometimes to remember to be grateful for the things you have and not to get bogged down in the everyday crap. I know I over-analyse everything and stress about things that haven't even happened/probably won't happen/aren't even important. I find it difficult to let go and let things take their course. If I don't have everything in my life planned out and under control then I panic and become stressed and irritable. I worry that I should be doing more with my life, that I'm not making the most of it. I want to believe in something, that there is a higher purpose, but I'm not sure what. I get bored too easily, I always need to be busy, I never seem to relax. I want to learn how to be happy with my life, how to be grateful, to live in the moment...

J and I have just booked to go for an interview at the adult college to try to get onto a counselling course. It doesn't start til January but its something I have been interested in for a long time and it is hopefully a first step towards figuring out what I want to do with my life. Jxx

Bla bla bla

God I hate Mondays. Everyone just waits until Monday morning before hurling as much crap at me as possible. It's nothing major really just a million people to phone back, book in, re-arange etc etc. People asking stupid questions, changing their minds bla bla bla. Plus its throwing it down outside. It was so dark and gloomy this morning when I woke up I couldn't believe it was quarter past 7 and I had to get up. Winter is definitely coming, marvelous.

Weekend was ok was nice not to have to get up early for a driving lesson for once although we didn't really do anything with the day. Went on the sunbeds and then into Lancaster to have my eyes tested. My eyes have got worse so they've given me some updated lenses which are miles better I can't get over how sharp things are now! I didn't realise how much I was missing even though I knew my eyes had definitely got worse. Saturday night we watched the X factor (yey) then D came round for a bit as P had thrown a strop and gone AWOL cos he wouldn't go to someones house and get wrecked cos he was working all weeknd. Was nice to see him actually it kind of reminded me of how he used to be when I liked him more. He gave us a lift into Morecambe and S and I went out for a drink. Was abit disapointed this week actually as I drank too much before we went out so I couldn't drink when we were out and ended up going home early as I felt sick. Thats the trouble with going out so late, its boring sitting around waiting to go out so I have a drink but then I can't drink much when I'm out. But if we go out earlier then its dead and boring and if I don't drink at home then its expensive when you're out and boring at home waiting to go out....I need to get the balance right. Oh and find some different wine to drink because I'm sick of what I have been drinking!

We're suposed to be going to Lancaster this Saturday for P's birthday. D has invited us but we will see whether she actually does...I'm not a fan of Lancaster but if there's a few of us I supose it might be ok.

Good news - I've been accepted for the HSBC credit card I applied for which is a relief as I can now pay for my driving lessons interest free (with a year to pay them off) and we are going to Preston on Saturday shopping to treat ourselves to a few things for a change. Nothing mad though don't worry! Also S's mum is giving us £1000 to do the bathroom as she's getting 6K back pay and D is having the same to do his shed (again haha, thats if P doesn't spend it, err again) so I though sod it I don't want it but S can have it and use it to do what he wants to the bathroom. I'm not cutting my nose off to spite my face as it were. Apparantly she's said this is it now and no one is getting anymore money although I can't see her saying no if D&P go crying as usual...

Meant to be going to see F's baby tomorrow night. Hope it goes ok. I never know what to do with babies...Jxx

Irritable

I have been so irritable the past few days. I feel horrible and scruffy, my hair is a mess, my skin is a mess, I'm not loosing weight...The weather has gone cold and horrible and rainy the past few days. We got absolutely soaked last night walking the dog, it just summed up how I felt - totally miserable.

I am so bored. I am bored at work, I am bored at home. I am bored of the world in general and my life in particular. We have no money, not a penny especially now that I have to have more driving lessons and more tests. I have been over our outgoings but I'm not a miracle worker and there just isn't any money. S wants to get on with moving the bathroom into the spare room but he needs money to do that, I want money so we can have a life...Winter is always bad for us anyway with birthdays and Christmas and stuff. I have applied for 2 credit cards with 0% on purchases so we can buy the stuff for the bathroom and then pay it back next year when we are abit better off, but neither off them have accepted me as yet so if they don't come through then I have no idea what we can do...I need another £90 to pay for this batch of driving lessons and I don't know where thats going to some from and thats assuming I pass second time (haha) I can't stop worrying about it. I can't switch off at night and I can't focus on anything at work, on the tv, anything. I am snappy and down and I don't like it ;-( Jxx

Friendship

I've been thinking alot about friends and friendship recently.

I have never had many what I would call "good friends". In high school I hung around with a group of girls who were my friends and who I spent time with/talked to/organised stuff with but they were never people I could really rely on. I was always the one organising everything, making sure everyone was having a good time, listening to them when they were upset and I don't feel like I ever got back what I was giving. For example if I didn't organise something then no one would and no one would ask me to do anything. I felt like I always had to try harder, to make them like me almost. When I left to go to uni that was it we never saw each other again, we didn't fall out but no one bothered with me when I moved away or said they missed me or anything. Yes I could have made more of an effort but then they didn't make any effort at all and I knew it was just proof of what I had known deep down all along.

When I moved to Lancaster and started at Woolworths I met F so she is my longest standing friend here. We have had our ups and downs and I was a lame friend to her last year but I think I felt she had distanced herself from me over her first pregnancy. I don't think I understood how upset she was and how much it affected her however she didn't give up on me and we sorted things out and now hopefully are back to where we were before. She is a lovely genuine person but she has a partner too and now a baby so her priorities are obviously with them and I won't get to see her as much as I would like to.

I have my sister who always used to be my closest friend but since her illness I feel like I am walking on eggshells at times with her. Again I'm always trying to impress her, to be "cool" enough for her, to make sure she's having a good time. It's ridiculous she's my little sister yet somehow I feel like I have to try to get her to like me! She can be so sharp and critical and again it seems like whenever I see her it has to be on her terms. We did get on alot better and resolve some issues the last time I saw her which was great and she's told me to stop being like that and to just tell her to shut up when she's making me feel bad! I wish I could see her more as every 2-3 months isn't much at all.

Sometimes I don't feel like anyone knows me properly. I have never really trusted people and shared the real me. I know S knows me the most and still loves me (no mean feat!) but I am a private person and I like to resolve things myself in my head (although I like to have a good moan to people but in a joking manner). I supose I am quite cynical and I think that the only person you can truly rely on is yourself. Whenever I have called people my best friend it seems to highten your expectations so then when they let you down it makes it worse. I think you have to realise that other peoples priorities are always themselves, then their partners/children etc. If I take people like this then I am not disapointed.

I would like to have more friends though. Just people to do stuff with, with S or when he wants to work on the house or something then I have someone else to go shopping with or for a coffee etc. We sort of had D&P although now we don't spend anytime with them and I don't see how thats going to get any better as I feel angry/jealous of them, I hardly speak to L these days and we will have even less in common once the baby is born. I have spoken to a few people on line but it has never really materialised into much due to distance, effort? I don't know. The people S and I got on best with was J&D but of course they are the shadiest, must unreliable people who you could ever meet and we haven't seen them for years now. It was such a shame we used to have such a good laugh with them but they let S down again and again and they weren't friends in the slightest sense of the world. We just clicked though and we've not really met anyone like that since....

I am sort of friends with CF. It's weird because we are friends - we get on well, I trust him with things I've told him, I can talk to him about anything, I enjoy his company etc etc but it's difficult because he's a lad. If he was a girl I would have said ages ago do you want to go for a coffee/drink/shopping etc but somehow its different because he's not I just can't treat him in the same way. Its stupid, its not because either of us fancy each other or anything like that but it just seems wrong almost to ask him to do something. I don't know how S would feel about it either. I mean we could all go for a drink together but 3 is a funny number. I don't know... Jxx

I failed....

Well I failed my driving test as I expected. But it wasn't as awful as it could have been and the reasons why I failed I wasn't expecting at all! I got 2 serious for going over the speed limit slightly (twice) and for moving off into a stream of traffic (twice) I did my manouvers fine and everything else ok. My examiner said I was almost too good and I drove the socks off it! Basically I came across as almost over confident and although my judgement was right when I pulled out I need to be more cautious and check my blind spots more but not over cautious cos you can fail for that as well... I am relieved its over but also sad that I have to do it again and spend more money.....

Weekend was ok although I think I was always worrying underneath about my test. Friday I cooked pasta for tea and we watched NCIS and went to bed early. Saturday I had my last lesson which was awful (I drove much better on my test so it just goes to show you can't predict anything!) I felt quite down afterwards as I had made silly mistakes and couldn't do my manouvers. Saturday afternoon I cleaned the house and painted the porch whilst S made the doors for the front room cupboard as my mum and dad were coming up on sunday and we wanted it to look nice for them. Saturday night we watched X factor then went out to the Honeytree Chinese restaurant with D&J and SB & his wife. I have to say I'm not a big fan of chinese unless its a buffet like the Bamboo Gardens in Lancaster as I never know what all the different sauces are or what to choose. The food was nice there but everyone else wanted a 5 course banquet but I didn't (because it would be too much) so because I was only having one course I had to wait while they ate three courses so I was starving and quite drunk by the time mine arrived. The food was nice but it's not really what I'd choose although it is quite a nice sociable way to eat/chat etc. We ended up being in there til about half 11 but afterwards we all just went home. I was abit annoyed as I'd kind of assumed that S and I would be going for a drink afterwards in Morecambe like we usually do but S said he had drunk too much and everyone else was going home so we did too! On reflection it was good that we went home as we had no money whatsoever (D paid for the meal/drinks as a thank you for the lads hard work) so we couldn't afford to stay out and I'd drank too much as well! Sunday we took the dog on the beach at Middleton to tire him out before my mum and dad arrived at 2. We sat in chatting with them until 6 then we took them for dinner at the Royal Hotel at Heysham Village. I think that is my favourite place to go and eat now its nice inside and they have a good variety of meals and some unusual things as well. I had baked goats cheese parcel which was delicious although next time I would order garlic bread with it as you didn't get much as it is really a starter. I also shared a toffee tart for pudding with my mum which I would definitely have again too! All together it cos over £60 which we don't have but it was worth it as we had promised to take them out to say thank you months ago (when we took J&B out) so it was about time and it was a nice way to spend a sunday evening.

F had the baby on sunday morning! A little (haha) boy weighing 9"10! Everyone is doing ok. We're going to wait til they come home to go and see them though as a lot of people were going to the hospital and I thought it would be abit much. Can't wait to meet him. I'm so happy for them. Thats about it really. No plans for this week/end as yet. I've not got a lesson on Saturday as he's given me a week off so I don't have to get up early for once so I might have a drink on Friday. I've booked my test again for Monday the 29th of October which is 5 weeks away. No doubt I will be panicking about it as it draws closer. I supose atleast I know what to expect now I just need to keep practicing and hopefully have a perfect run next time so I pass....Jxx

Feeling Reckless

I'm feeling really fed up and reckless today. This always happens when I'm bored and down. In the past I would have gone on a spending spree on my credit card or gone out every night or looked for somebody to make myself feel better. Now at least I recognise when I'm feeling this way but its hard not to fall back into old habits even though I know they won't solve anything. I'm just sick of having no money to be able to do anything. Everytime we get a little bit more money something goes up and we never seem to see it. We never have enough money for the weekend so we are always stuck before we even begin. We have £25 for this whole weekend for the two of us. Thats nothing. We need to buy bits to get on with the house and we want to have a life as well. What is the point of working 40+ hours a week if you cannot even enjoy your 2 days off?

I am so tempted to just buy what we want for the house on the credit card and get some money off it and go and have a good weekend. But I know I can't as its doing this that has got me into this situation on the first place. Plus I know I would feel so guilty and stressed after I'd done it. It just grates on me that D&P live like this all the time and they don't care and someone else picks up the tab for them.

I supose it shows how far I've come in that I can recognise these negative patterns in myself and that I can stop myself falling back into them. 3 years ago I would have been out spending left right and centre til I felt better. The trouble is its only a short term fix. You never really feel better in the end. Oh well. Jxx

Catching up with me

I'd been doing alright this week but last night/today I feel down again. My skin is dreadful and it's doing my head in. I know it will be better in a couple of days but it doesn't matter what I do I look a state at the moment. S had to leave at 7 this morning to go to Elland again for the day so of course the dog was playing up for me so I couldn't even get ready for work properly. The weather has been dead nice the last few days but now its grey and miserable. I am so sick of having no money. S wanted money to take to Elland with him to get his dinner and I'm trying to tell him that we have no money but he doesn't even listen to me. I feel like going on a mad spending spree with my credit card even though I know I can't and it wouldn't achieve anything because I don't want to be in a debt again but I'm tired of not having enough money to do anything. S seems to think he can just keep getting things from the shop or Wickes or whatever but we don't have the money. I'm not sitting at home all weekend doing nothing because we've spent our last pennies on decorators caulk and rubble bags for fucks sake. We are suposed to be going for a chinese on Saturday night with work which will be nice but thats the only thing we're doing this weekend. S went to do a job with SB the other week up at Lindale but because there's been a disagreement with the customer now he isn't getting paid and he used our diesel to go up there so now we're out of pocket! I don't know why he bothers trying to help people it always turns out wrong. I don't want to do my driving test I can't stop thinking about it and obsessing over it. I will be a wreck by Monday. The only good thing in the past couple of days is that me and CF have been talking loads and he is becoming a good friend to me. Its weird I've never had a proper friend who was a lad before. Its nice to get a different perspective on things and to have someone to talk to. Jxx

Little Things That Make Me Happy

• When the sun shines


• When Bailey comes and cuddles up to me and when he wants to sit on my knee


• Kisses from S and snuggling with him on the sofa


• Going out for meals


• Living by the sea


• Getting a compliment


• Going on the sunbed. I know thats odd but I find it relaxing!


• Getting all my work done and feeling like I've acheived something.


• In-depth and interesting conversations with J that make me think.


• Having my hair done


• Giving other people presents that they really appreciate


• Cooking a proper meal from scratch
  

There are a million more things of course but these are just a few that spring to mind at the moment ;-)

I've been trying to "revise" for my driving test today. I know you can't really revise as such but I've been going over the test routes and identify any particular problem areas ie the Shrimp roundabout so I'm going to get S to drive the difficult bits for me so I can get it clear in my head. Obviously I'm not trying to memorise the routes or anything as that would be stupid but atleast if I've been down them all once then there won't be any unexpected unmarked cross roads or one way systems to contend with! I've also written out the stages of each manouver so I can have them clearly in my head. I don't know if any of the above will really make a difference but it makes me feel better so thats got to be something! Jxx

On my own

I'm all alone at work because J has gone to a conference til Wednesday. Sometimes I don't mind being on my own as I get to do things at my own pace. On the other hand I have to sort everything out and I start feeling stressed as I need to get things done and the phone keeps ringing. I'm glad CF is in at 12 otherwise I'd have no one to talk to. I'm also coming out in the typical pre-period spots which I was expecting but I still find so annoying. I know they only last a week but there is nothing I can do about them and they make me feel crap. I feel fat as well even though I know its all related but it doesn't make me look any better! Great I only have to put up with this every month of my life for the next 30 years or so.....

The weekend seems to have gone so quickly it doesn't feel like we've been off at all. Friday night we were invited to a bbq at D&P's as the weather had gone nice but we didn't get home from work til half 6 and I had a driving lesson at 9 on Saturday and S had agreed to work so we told them we'd rather not bother. To be honest after the way they have been recently I didn't want to go anyway. I don't know if I can sit there and be civil to them and listen to them go on and on about all the new things they've bought but how hard their lives are without saying something sarcastic! I just have lost all respect for them after the way they are using J&B to pay for everything so they can live the high life. Anyway we stayed in Friday night and I cooked pork with blue cheese sauce and croutons which was lovely but very rich. We watched "Click" a film M at work had lent us which turned out to be better than I expected! Nice relaxing evening. Saturday we got up at half 7 which was not fun. S went to work for 8 and I had my driving lesson. Had a really good lesson actually I did all my manouvers fine and didn't make any big mistakes with my actual driving. I know I can do it, but it just depends on whether I can do it on the day. I have come along way since I first started and I do feel more confident. I do feel like I can drive more or less. I'm still dreading my test though. It seems so subjective. I might fluke it and pass or else it might take me 20 attempts. I supose I will pass in the end its just the money it costs to keep retaking it as well as the stress/disapointment that I could really do without.

I took Bailey for a walk when I got back as the weather was lovely for a change and it seemed a shame not to. I actually prefer walking him than sitting in the house with him as he's so much better behaved when he walks especially if its just me and him on our own. When S got back from work we went to Matalan and Wickes for a nosy and I got a couple of jumpers for my winter work wardrobe. God how depressing we didn't even have a summer! I should know by now that its pointless me buying summer clothes as I hardly get to wear them I should only bother buying winter stuff as that gets worn 11.5 months of the year especially as I'm always cold! S did some work on the porch when we got back and I got on with my cross stitch that I'm doing for J's birthday. I need to knuckle down and get on with it as her birthday is in less than a month and it is a pretty big design. It seems to be taking me hours just to do a little bit for some reason.

Saturday night we watched X factor whilst having some drinks. I love that programme! I'm getting abit bored with all the rubbish ones though I want to get on to boot camp and see all the good ones! After that the plan was to go into Morecambe about 10 like we usually do but we ended up having a stupid argument because S had drunk 2 bottles of wine and I'd drunk one and I thought he was too pissed and was being stupid so we nearly didn't end up going anywhere. God I am terrible when I'm drunk I get so irritable for no reason the littlest things just wind me up. I don't know why I did it as I nearly spoilt the whole evening. I don't know why I give S such a hard time when I've had a drink its not nice and I need to learn to control meself cos he doesn't deserve it at all. I've told him we need to go out seperately and just meet each other out cos that way I can't be mean to him! We went out about 11 in the end and went to Wetherspoons then to this random gay bar where they were playing the Scissor sisters greatest hits! Then we ended up in Coast. It turned out to be a good night in the end, I think I prefer Coast to Kings the atmosphere seems nicer and they sell orange reef which is a bonus as I can't drink wine when I'm out. Sunday we stayed in bed til lunch time as it was our only lie in. We lazed about the rest of the day and I did the usual housework (washing, cleaning, cooking etc etc) I seem to have just got into cooking this last week or so. I went through my student cookbook last Sunday looking for ideas and found loads of interesting cheap and simple receipes that I've never tried. Instead of wanting to just buy ready meals its inspired me to buy ingredients and make proper food! I'm cooking pasta this friday for S and I which I am looking forward to and now instead of buying pizzas I'm making my own using little bake in the oven bagettes. I made one on saturday lunchtime and it was so tasty, better than a bought pizza and much less calories!

That was the weekend! I can't believe it was over so fast and its Monday already. Hopefully this week will go fast with me being onmy own although the faster it goes the sooner my test is. It's a week today, god I feel sick just thinking about it. I still don't know if I'm ready but then as I said to my instructor if I put it back I still have to pay for more lessons in between, if I do the test and fail then I pay for more lessons but if I pass I don't. I don't know whether more lessons will make a difference. I know what I have to do its just keeping my head and remembering everything. I know I will be a wreck this time next week! Jxx

Grrrrrrr

God I am annoyed at S's family.

J & B came in yesterday to get some bits from the shop and as per usual J came straight into the office, plonked herself down in J's seat and started babying and fussing Max. She stayed there for over half an hour when I had work to get on with. It wasn't even that she was talking to me she was just talking to Max and going on to him in a baby voice. It drives me mad. Its totally inappropriate for her to just come into the office even if J is not here, she certainly should not be sitting in her seat for Gods sake. Its a business. If I worked in a shop would she coume in and stand behind the counter with me? J has put a chain across the front of the office now so customers can come to the door but they can't actually come in. I just hope it works.

S's mum was also going on about how she'd just been to see D and given him "all the change in her purse" (£8) and how she's waiting for her money in September so he can have his shed. For fucks sake what happened to not talking to him? Oh that lasted all of 2 days. She is enabling him to be a spoilt little shit. I said why couldn't he get it out of the ten grand loan they've just got? "Cos they've spent it all" yes including a grand on new leather sofas THAT THEY DID NOT NEED. I was fuming. Yes its her money but they are lazy, scroungers that don't even go into work half the time, P walked out of her job and now only does 30 hours a week (maximum) cos it doesn't matter if they can't pay the mortgage - J&B will pay it for them whilst they spend their money on clothes, drugs, alcohol and going places like Godskitchen. What is the point of trying to be a decent person and achieve things off your own back when they do nothing and get it all given to them. They have the big house, the new car, the expensive furniture, decoration, boiler etc etc. They aren't having children so they don't save anything, they don't plan for the future, they just spend spend spend and when they need something get J&B to pay for it. I have no respect for any of them now whatsoever. D couldn't even be arsed to help S put the new carpet down even though S had asked him and had fitted his radiator for him at the weekend. Then he has the cheek to ring up last night asking to borrow his planer! I said he should just ask his mum to buy it for him. They are so ungrateful all of them. I asked if P had liked the card and plant we got her for her birthday and all J could say was "I don't know I didn't even wish her happy birthday she was doing my head in. D didn't get her a card I forgot to remind him" Why couldn't he have put it on the calendar like I did? Why do I even bother with their birthdays and trying to get them stuff they'd like when no one ever appreciates it? Just a thank you would be nice. Grrrrrrrrrrrr. Jxx

Random updates

JT handed his notice in and left 2 weeks ago. I can't believe I forgot to mention it as he used to do my head in so much! In the end I just kind of ignored him though so he didn't bother me as much. I'm still glad he left as he did used to make me feel uncomfortable and I didn't trust him at all. We have not managed to get anyone to replace him so although the business is really stretched at the moment it is nice that the staff we have left are lovely and that we are busy especially compared to how quiet we were in Spring and how worrying that was.

The scruffs that live on our street but further down on the other side of the road were sat outside their house on the street with their mates drinking and shrieking til god knows what time. Who sits on the pavement drinking on a Tuesday in Spetember when it wasn't even that warm? Some of us have to get up for work in the morning! I thought it was a load of teenagers when I first heard them! They are in their 30's with kids for gods sake! We could hear them even with the windows closed and we aren't even that near to them, I feel sorry for their next door neighbours but no one would tell them to be quiet cos they are abit rough. Our street would be so quiet without them on it.

We actually had sex last night for the first time in over a week. Its not good when you're newly married and this is what its got to! We just never seem to have any time together one of us is always watching the dog so the other can cook tea, do some cleaning/DIY, get a shower etc. As he sleeps on our bed (and is gradually taking over it) its impossible to do it when we go to bed or when we wake up without going and putting him out which kind of kills the atmosphere. As soon as you start doing anything he wakes up and comes to investigate! Last night I ended up holding him at arms length by his collar which totally put me off but it was better than nothing! Then Bailey started humping a pillow! It was so funny it was as if we had given him the idea!

I don't feel like S and I are really seeing each other at the moment even though we are in the same house together we aren't really "together" sometimes I feel like we are just joint dog sitters! We haven't been eating together as I eat in the kitchen with the dog so he can eat his tea in peace. I don't want to do that any more I want us to eat together and enjoy our food instead of gobbling it down because of the dog. We don't seem to ever relax together either, I mean we sit on the sofa and stare at the tv but thats not really the same. I want us to spend quality time together or else we will end up like couples who just exist with each other but never actually do anything together/talk to each other. We need to make time to have like mini dates if you will where we actually make the most of each other!

We have bought Cesar Millans Dog Whisperer Book to try and help us with Bailey. It is good and I totally agree with his philosophy/principles it is just not so easy to put into practice. We know it is us with the problem and not Bailey, as we are not pack leaders but we are trying to change this and Bailey's walking has improved no end since we've been following his advice. Its just his behaviour in the house which is still not so good. I need to try harder to be calm and assertive instead of chasing him round the front room cos he's got something in his mouth that he shouldn't! That dog is the bane of my life but I love him to pieces!

I have been talking to CF alot at work and we are sort of friends. It is odd because we can talk about anything and I tell him stuff I don't really tell other people and vice versa but then I think that we are only friends because we work together and there is only us here so we kind of have to get on. We don't see or speak to each other out of work yet we trust each other and talk about personal stuff so its more than just work banter. I find it abit odd as either we're friends or we're not. He says that we are friends and I know I can trust him/tell him anything plus he gives me good advice and a different perspective, but then its like he only wants to speak to me in work time because there is no one else here?? I don't know. I could use him as a proper friend really!

F&A's baby was due yesterday but no sign as of yet! I think she might go 2 weeks overdue for some reason. I also think its a girl but no one else does! We shall see. I'm really excited and I honestly mean that. When F was pregnant the first time I felt so weird about it and kind of sad/jealous but I supose things were abit odd between us at that time anyway. This time I've been pleased for them from day 1. Maybe because I was already used to the idea from the first time? Maybe because it was the right time for them this time? Maybe becuase they've really included us in stuff and we are back to being how close we used to be? Probably a combination of all 3. Its strange though about a year ago I used to think I wanted a baby fairly soon but now I don't feel like that at all. I do definitely want children but I just don't feel that desperate urge, at least not yet. I still feel so young. I think thats probably due to having Bailey and the disruption he's caused (even though obviously a baby is clearly different from a puppy but it gives you an idea!) and also because I have lost weight this year and I am frightened of putting it all back on especially when I'm pregnant. I know thats really shallow but its how I feel.

I can't seem to get excited about L&M's baby on the other hand but I think thats because underneath I'm annoyed at her. I just don't feel like we were ever real friends at all. She said she liked all the things I did but it wasn't really true and it has just made me feel like she has been fake with me. She was always so overly friendly and I felt like we were close really quickly but since Christmas she only contacts me when she wants to say something about the baby or how well her drivings going. I have seen her about 5 times this year and I just don't see the point in it any more. Everything is so over the top, how wonderful her and M's marriage is, how much weight she reckons she has lost, how good her driving is, how wonderful her baby's going to be. Maybe I am jealous but I just don't want to hear it. I don't big myself up (atleast I don't think I do) and I can't listen to other people do it. She almost makes me feel bad about myself (which I know if my problem/issue but still) like I haven't lost enough weight, like my drivings not as good as hers, that my marriage/wedding isn't as good as hers... I don't think she does it on purpose but thats how she makes me feel. I don't think I will see her much more to be honest which is a shame in a way but I just feel this has run its course. Maybe it's cowardly but I don't see the point in talking to her about it cos she won't see my point of view and I don't want a big argument I guess I'd rather just drift apart.

I am still trying to loose/maintain my weight. It's stressing me out a lot as I always seem to be thinking that I can't have this or that and obsessively counting calories. I wish I could just relax about it but I'm so bothered about putting weight back on.

Thats pretty much a roundup of all the random stuff thats happened recently! I have been looking for an evening course to maybe keep me occupied and to meet some new friends but haven't been able to find one as the Adult colleges website is useless! I need to ring them up really but I am putting it off for some reason. I know I am still panicking about my driving test. It is always in the back of my mind, making me feel sick. I don't know whether to put it back or not or whether I should just give it a go....Help. Jxx

Feeling sad & nervous

I feel sad, sick and stressed this morning. I hate mondays I don't want to be here. I didn't sleep well last night knowing that I had work today and now I'm here I still feel crap. I don't know why I'm starting to dread coming to work I never used to but I feel nervous when I think about it. I hate answering the phone I can't deal with customers and their problems.

I don't know if part of it is to do with my driving test. Its two weeks today and I'm absolutely dreading it. I don't want to do it at all. I feel sick whenever I think about it. Its making me dread my lessons even though I don't mind it at all when I'm doing it. On saturday I did all my manouvers fine even reversing round a corner. I can do it but its just pot luck if I can do it on the day as last week I was dreadful. I can feel myself getting panicky about it and I think thats spilling over into everything else.

Weekend was ok, quite quiet really. We went to Kendal on Friday day for wander around for a change then went for a meal at the horns Friday night which was lovely although I couldn't eat it all which was a shame. Saturday we went to argos in Preston to get a blind, lampshade and a coffe table for the front room. We have had a spurt of DIY this weekend and have painted all the woodwork in the front room, plasterboarded the porch and touched up the walls etc. Well I say we, S has done most of it! The carpet is coming this week so we have been motivated to get things done. Saturday night we went into Morecambe for soem drinks which was actually pretty good. We only went to Wetherspoons and Kings but I enjoyed it and S actually danced with me which was great bless him. We went to Sams chippy on the way home as it has to be done! Sunday we did more DIY and just lazed about. We have decided now that we are going to have a nice tea on Friday night and just get a film or something then go for a drink on Saturday night somewhere. Back to a five day week now at work which I'm not looking forward to although I supose it is good in a way as I always eat more when I'm off so at least being back at work should help me with the diet. Maybe. Jxx