Wasting time

I feel like I spend my entire life just wasting time. Sitting about waiting for something to happen; waiting to go home, waiting for the weekend, waiting for something good to happen...

We had a four day weekend and in theory it should have been great as we even had some unexpected money as J&D gave us £100 cash for S going to Elland all week but instead we couldn't think of anything to do and we didn't go anywhere or do anything. We had tea at F&A's on Saturday night which was nice as its probably the last time we'll see them before the baby's here but we were home by 10 so it was an earlyish night really. We went out Sunday night into Morecambe and to that stupid Overload thing which I was really looking forward to but of course it turned out to be less than average. I just don't think I'm not that into mc'ing etc anymore, I feel like I've grown out of watching people in trackies jump all over each other shouting down a mike plus it was a total rip off to get in. The only good thing about the weekend was that we went to Wales on Monday to see the family and had a bbq for tea but by then the weekend was over and I felt down again.

I am really sick of everything at the moment. I'm sick of feeling unmotivated and bored, sick of being on a diet, sick of not being thinner, sick of work, sick of having no friends, sick of sitting in the house every evening staring at the tv, sick of loosing my temper with the dog and S, sick of looking forward to things and then building them up to be good so when they actually happen they aren't, sick of feeling like I don't care about anything - like there's no point to life, sick of not feeling happy, sick of complaining! I can't be bothered to do anything, nothing cheers me up anymore, I don't want to do anything and I hate it. Jxx

Feeling Blergh

I'm feeling pretty fed up and down this week. It started off ok and I actually had a busy/good day at work on Monday. Since then it's all been downhill though. I don't have enough to do here apart from awkward customers giving me stress and as I's off and D&S are away we can't get to people so they are complaining etc etc. My evenings are rubbish I can't do anything productive because I have to watch Bailey all the time to make sure he's not destroying something. I'm so unmotivated. I need to get on with my cross stitch but all I do is sit on the sofa watching crap tv that I'm not even interested in. I miss S its horrible without him. I've got no friends, no one wants to come and see me or do anything with me. I'm just wishing this week away until he comes back and its rubbish. I feel down when I'm sat at work because I know I'm going home to nothing, just another boring evening. I feel like I can't get anything done. I have to tie Bailey up so I can go to the toilet for gods sake! I'm not sleeping well either. I keep eating too much cos I'm hungry and bored. I just want this week to be over. Not that we've got anything planned for the weekend or any money for that matter but whats new there then? Jxx

Feeling abit sick

Feel poorly today for some reason. I think its just nerves as S has gone to Leeds for the week to work with D and I know I'm going to miss him. He had to get up at 6 as well which didn't help as I couldn't really go back to sleep as I knew I had to get up for work shortly. I wish he didn't have to go its going to be so odd without him for 4 whole days. I know this weeks going to drag but at least we are off on Friday and its a bank holiday weekend so we have actually got 4 days off which will be brilliant.

Weekend was ok although I've eaten way way too much. I need to get strict with myself again as I do not want to put weight on. I need to stay at 9 stone, less if possible. Went out for tea to the Royal Hotel on Thursday night for D & B's birthday which was ok although I felt pressured into having a starter as everyone else was even though I didn't really want one. Food was lovely though although I couldn't really be bothered with everyone especially B telling me I've got too thin (WHAT????) But it was nice to do something on a Thursday.

Friday we both had our hair done and although I'm pleased with the result as always I was there 2 hours as she was really busy and just kept squeezing me in round other people which made me feel like an inconvienience even though I was booked in first. I wanted to speak to her about maybe putting two colours in it and having it cut but I felt that she didn't have time so I just left it. After that I went to F's and we went into town to Verdes for some lunch which was lovely and so cheap as it was during the happy hour. Went back to hers after for a good chat and then S picked me up. Friday night we watched NCIS and chilled.

Saturday I had my driving which was ok. My driving instructor is so nice he has said he will do me cheaper lessons if I fail my test as I told him we would struggle to keep paying for them. I was so surprised as I know he needs the money and I felt guilty as that wasn't what I was meaning. I really like him he makes me laugh and he is a really good teacher. I will be kind of sad when I don't see him anymore! I reversed round a corner perfectly as well which was good. I can do it sometimes and other times I fluff it completely! The rest of Saturday it rained all day so we did some work on the house and watched tv. Saturday night we had to go to this stupid party of D's. As it was raining there wasn't a bbq we just went round and sat about with them and CB etc. It was ok at best I just talked to L and S's girlfriends who are both really sweet. I drank too much though and went home at 11 to see Bailey and to be sick. S came home shortly afterwards as everyone else was leaving. I think D liked his present although P was being a cow and showing off. I'm so glad we don't spend much time with all that crowd anymore. We really have moved on alot and as soon as we're with them we sort of regress to how we used to be and I hate it. I would rather have no friends than friends like that. I would rather just spend time with S and go to the pub or cuddle up on the sofa with Bailey than just sit about in someones house getting wasted. I also now know that drinking almost a bottle of wine on an empty stomach is a really bad idea!

Sunday I got up late as I felt rough then we went to JJB to get S some trackies and a bag to take his stuff away in. Then we lay on the sofa and watched random tv all evening. It was nice but it was also sad as I knew he was going away so I had to make the most of it. I really do not know how people cope whose partners work away for long periods of time. I hate spending one night without S let alone anything more. I supose its what you're used to but he really is my best friend and I don't get sick of him, I like being around him all the time and doing things with him. I do love him so much and feel like apart of me is missing when he's not here.

I drove the van ok by the way although S was abit too tense and made me feel bad. I know he couldn't help being abit worried but it didn't help my confidence much and I wasn't bad at all. I drove it for a good 30 mins which is a start and I just need to keep practicing. It is very different from my instructors car though! Jxx

Driving

I think I am going to have my first proper drive of the van tonight. I am really nervous about it even though I need to do it and I'm sure I will be ok. I can drive for gods sake! I am just paranoid about damaging it and having S get cross with me (even though I know he won't) I think I am just worried I'm going to let him down or something when really I want to prove that I can drive and that I'm a good driver. It is only a little bit bigger than the focus I learn in and no more powerful. I know what I am doing and I need to get used to it cos its what I'll be driving if/when I pass! And I really need the practice!

We managed to sort out insurance for both of us last night after a big fuss as his old insurance company wouldn't insure me until I'd been driving a year simply becuase it was a van. So he rang round a few and they were all saying the same thing so then we had a bit of a panic thinking that I wouldn't be able to get insured etc and that we might have to get another car which we couldn't afford... Fortunately J went into an insurance brokers in Lancaster and it turns out then can insure both of us for £500 which is brilliant as it was going to cost £400 to insure S alone. So now I'm insured to drive it when he's with me and when I pass (haha) on my own.....

I am half excited and half terrified! Jxx

Lovely weekend with my sister

Really feel like the relationship between E & I improved loads this weekend. It was so good for us to spend a whole weekend just us with no other interferences and the opportunity to talk about things. It really was nice ;-) I gave her the collarge I'd made her and she cried a little bit as she was touched which was really sweet.

So, E picked me up from Chester station on Friday night and we went straight to the slug and lettuce for dinner where we shared a vegetarian platter which was something different and a nice sociable thing to have. Then we walked to get a Mcflurry for pudding but there was this continental market thing going on so we got pancakes instead which were lovely. After that we went home and just chatted. Saturday we went to Liverpool shopping. It was a nice sunny day and we went round the 2 arcades and down the high street. Got some white jeans, some work shorts, some going out shorts and some plain tops. Didnt even spend much money as everywhere was really cheap and I managed to talk myself out of buying some expensive things that I didn't really need so I was pleased with myself there. E really is the best person for me to go shopping with, she is helpful and interested and gives good advice. We got lunch in Costa and had paninis and a milkshake thing to drink which were very nice. Saturday afternoon we just chilled at home then watched Dance X and then got ready to go out. Getting ready was great we both got drunk and had a proper chat about loads of stuff. E is so cute when she's drunk I've not seen her like that for so long. We got a few things of our chests and (I hope) a better understanding of each other. Then we went to the Tiv. Well it was absolutely dead in there but it didn't matter too much cos we just got on the dancefloor and stayed there! And as it was so quiet they basically played anything we asked for! We had booked a taxi for half 1 so we went and got cheesy chips and garlic mayo (oh my god its beautiful!) and got a taxi home. I do have such a good night wih E, she is the only person I can really dance with although my legs are still killing me! Sunday we just chilled round the house til S came to get me at 4.

I really enjoyed myself its the best time I've had with E for a long time, it just makes me wish that we lived nearer so we could do that more often as once every few months really isn't enough. The only bad thing was I missed S really badly! I seem to have got worse recently rather than better. I think about him all the time even though he wasn't doing anything fun (working on his mum & dads house!) but I just felt sad he wasn't with me even though I was having a good time with my sister. I think part of it is knowing I wasn't going home to him at night. I don't mind being apart from him in the day and doing stuff but knowing he was far away and I wasn't going to see him when I went to bed made me feel sad.

It sounds so pathetic! When I think about going places and doing things without him I'm fine and when I'm with him he gets on my nerves at times and stresses me out but yet when I'm actually away from him I just want him to be there with me! Its good in a way because it reminds me to be nice to him and appreciate him especially when I've been moaning at him recently. I just felt so sad walking round Liverpool and seeing ohter couples and thinking I've got a husband he should be here with me. And also cos the weather was nice for the first time in ages so we could be sat in a beer garden or outside at home together for the first time in ages. Although I know if I had been at home I probably would have been bored and we wouldn't have had any money to sit in a beer garden so it was probably just wishful thinking!

I'm so contrary sometimes! I feel alot better today although I have had loads of horrible spots which are only just clearing up but I feel alot more positive than I did last week. Oh the joys of hormones! Jxx

Vulnerable

I am feeling quite vulnerable this week for some reason. I know it is mostly due to hormones/PMT but I feel quite lonely/abandoned. I keep feeling worried that S will stop loving me or that he can't really be bothered with me. I don't know why, nothings changed I just don't feel like he is that bothered about me and that he only married me because I wanted to and that one day he will leave me. I think maybe it has just hit me how serious marriage is and that I do want to be with him forever. I can't just walk away if it goes wrong and I don't want to. I think I feel scared as I've realised how much trust I've put in him and how I've planned our futures together and if he goes then everything goes. It is a frightening thought to rely so much on one person. I'm sure we will be fine but I just feel like I need reassurance.

I also feel crap about going to see my sister I feel like she hasn't really forgiven me for not being there for her when she was first ill with her eating. We used to be so close and then she got thin and I got depressed and I wasn't there like I used to be and she kind of cut me out. Its never been the same since, I always feel like she keeps me at a distance. She used to be so warm and bubbly and now she's sarcastic and uptight. It seems like whatever I do isn't enough for her and she doesn't need me or want me. I have tried to make it up to her in recent years but it feels like it is too late. It makes me really sad.

I look a mess which isn't helping either. I have about 20 spots. Every time one goes I get 3 more and they are hurting and I can't cover them up. My stomach is bloated and I look fat and horrible. I know I'm going to feel even worse when I see my sister cos I always look horrible next to her. I don't know why I bother it doesn't seem like I ever look nice and S doesn't care how I look. He doesn't even notice when I make an effort. I just want him to love me and to show me that he loves me and make me feel better. Why am I feeling like this and being so stupid? Ahh! I feel like hiding in a corner until I feel better. Jxx

Weekend Review

Good

• It was nice to have Friday off and we got loads of things done that we couldn't do at the weekend. We had a nice walk round Clitheroe and went to the Royal Hotel in Heysham Village for tea. Its a lovely pub and we'd definitely go again. I also drove the van around the car park! Its a start anyway!
• My driving lesson was ok on saturday. I reversed round a corner alot better than I have before and did a reverse bay park perfectly! I still feel I need to improve quite abit before my test though.
• Saturday night we went into Morecambe for a drink. I like Morecambe to go out in you know, its a totally different atmosphere to Lancaster. We went to The Mermaid & The Coast. Both were a good laugh and the music was ok. S was really drunk but he was so funny he was making me laugh. We had a good night, the best one I've had for a while. S was really trying to have a good time and to make me happy and he did. I love him so much.
• I bought 2 new tops in New Look they both have gold on them which is my new thing at the moment. I wore one on Saturday night and I'll wear one if/when I go out with E.
• S is going to stay at his mums while I'm away seeing E which makes me feel better as I know where he is. Plus his mum and dad will be glad to see him and he's doing some jobs for them. Bailey is going as well!
• I weighed myself at J&B's on sunday as we went for dinner (which was lovely as usual) and I was 8.5 stone! I do not think this can be right though especially as I have been a pig this weekend so I will weigh myself at my mums and see!
• Another 4 day week yey! I could get used to this!

Bad

• So much for the promise of good weather! Friday was ok but Saturday was totally miserable and we got absolutely soaked walking Bailey at Middleton Sands. Sunday was nice though although aparantly its not going to last again. Where oh where is the summer!
• I do not know what is going on with seeing E this weekend. I am going down on Friday night on the train to Chester, staying there Fri night then we were originally going to go shopping in Liverpool on saturday day then stay there and go out at night. She rang me last night and was back to her awkward self saying she didn't really want to go out and did I want to go to the cinema or something cos she didn't want to stay at her new house cos her stuff isn't there and its dificult to get into town etc. I was like fine I'm not botherd about going out in Liverpool because where I go with her isn't where I would choose to go but yes I did want to go out somewhere! I've been looking forward to it for gos sake! She says she has no money but she goes out with her friends to the Tiv and Rosies every week so why can't she go out with me its not like I see her very often. I feel like I am always second best to her and she doesn't have to make any effort with me but I always have to be nice to her and do what she wants and be understanding etc. I don't feel like she does anything for me or cares about what I want to do. We are now going to stay in Wales all weekend but whether we will go out anywhere now remains to be seen. I thought we were getting on better after the last two times I spoke to her but now we're just back to where we always are. She only wants me when she's sad and wants someone to talk to but apart from that its like she has to bother with me and I'm an inconvienience. Atleast thats how it feels, like I'm not good enough to be her friend I'm just her sister. I had made her a collage to cheer her up but I don't see the point in giving it to her now she will probably think its stupid. Oh well. Jxx

We are now the proud owner of an Astravan!

As vans go it is pretty cool although much longer than I expected so it will be interesting to see if I can drive it! Hmmm. Was a big hassle getting it though. We left at 6 last night and got back at half 9. The man we bought it off was a weirdo. He was really arrogant and kept talking over us and treating like we had never bought a car before. He seemed abit shocked that we wanted to take it there and then and that we had the cash with us. I got the impression that he didn't want to sell it to us for some reason. He tried to tell us that there was no tax on it when there was and had us all stressed out for no reason. The van is great but I would never buy from him again!

No other news really, we are going to Clitheroe tomorrow to buy a roof rack for the van (so exciting) but hopefully the weather will be nice and we can have lunch somewhere or something. Either way its better than working! Jxx

We've sold the car!!

I can't believe it! After worrying that we would never be able to sell it especially not before the insurance is due but after it being on autotrader for a week a lad rang S up on Monday, they came to see it Monday night and liked it. They gave us £100 deposit and came back last night with the cash and took it away! They were a polish couple from Liverpool and seemed nice. I felt abit sad when they drove it off but I just couldn't believe it really! We got £4550 for it in cash which was more than we hoped for/needed. So we are going to Blackburn tonight to look at a 2004 Astravan which hopefully we will be buying! A vehicle which I can drive! I can't wait! It has really made me more motivated to pass my test. It also has lower milleage, is lower insurance and hopefully less fuel! I really am so grateful. We were panicking on Sunday wondering what we were going to do and how we were going to manage and I was feeling so stressed out. When they first rang I really didn't expect it to go through and even when they came up last night I still thought it might all go wrong but fingers crossed its done now, I hope they are happy with it though, we were sad to sell it, I also hope nothing goes wrong with it!

Weekend news: (Seems ages ago now!)
Bowling was a good laugh on Friday. Amazingly I won both games (everyone else seemed to be playing rubbush!) I got 3 strikes at least! I also saw a girl I used to know from the door in Lancaster so it was nice to see her again. F&A came back to ours for abit and we had some birthday cake that F had brought. Saturday I had my driving lesson, was ok apart from I cut someone up on Shrimp roundabout and they beeped me! Also my reversing round a corner wasn't very good. I much prefer driving locally than going far away. Hopefully as soon as we have the van I can get insured and start driving places! Saturday afternoon we had a drive out to Hornby to this pub I thought looked nice. The food was ok nothing special, I was abit disapointed but it killed some time! Saturday evening we had some drinks at home and S rang D to see what they were up to as we were so bored on our own. They said they might go in to town so S said if you do let us know and we'll come with you. He rang them back abit later and they were in town! So we decided to go to town anyway and met up with them in Varsity.

They were doing my head in though, I just have absolutely no respect for them anymore. Especially D. It makes me sad, I used to always really like D and kind of blamed P for how he was but now he is just as bad as her. He is just as selfish and money grabbing. They have this "poor me" attitude when it is their own fault they are in debt, they have made no effort to save money. If that was us we would cancel sky, the internet, contract phones etc and live off beans on toast but oh no they keep it all, buy clothes, take drugs every weekend and then go to J&B when the mortgage is due. It makes me so mad. I have never wanted to be someone who relied on others to bale them out. Yes my mum and dad (and J&B) have done alot for us but that was given freely. We were always prepared to do it oursleves. And we don't have a big house with a huge garden and a convertable and designer furniture like them and it grates me sometimes. We went to walkabout but S and I just couldn't be arsed so we went to get a takeaway and a taxi home. But of course they wanted to come with us because it meant they could get home cheaper. On the way home all P did was show off to the taxi driver (who was weird) about how "naughty" she was, waffling on about Anne Summers and sex toys. It was grim. I hate it when people (anyone not just her) go on about sex and dildos and stuff. I'm no prude I just don't feel the need to show off about it. Especially to random men! Urgh. After we got home they came back to ours even though I couldn't be bothered with them. But they didn't stay long and I ended up going to bed! The dog pulled me off the bed though and I hurt my face and arm. So was abit of a random/crap night really. I don't know why we even went to Lancaster but we were just so bored! The only good thing was we didn't spend much as we only had 2 drinks! Was still a waste though.

Sunday we had a lie in for a change which was nice. Then we went to the factory shop for a look but they didn't have anything good for a change. We went to the Revolution for lunch as we'd had such a nice meal in the Preston one but the Lancaster one had a different menu and the food was cold and burnt so that was a disapointment again! We went to B&Q and Argos and then went home and took Bailey on the beach. Was a nice fairly relaxing day and it was sunny for a change!

No real plans for this weekend as yet, we have tentatively planned a BBQ for Saturday night but god knows who for! Just us at the moment! We are off on Friday which I am so looking forward to. I'm really glad we have booked these Fridays off. Only tomorrow left of this week wahoo! And we don't have to be so stressed about money now either which is fantastic. All we need now is some friends! Jxx