Random Question Time!

1. Is sex best morning, afternoon, or night? Morning
2. What side of the bed do you sleep? The left side but I have to be furthest from the door so it depends which way the bed is really!
3. Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke? Yes lots of times, I used to get very travel sick!
4. What leg do you put in pants first when pulling them up? Right
5. Candles or Incense? Candles
6. Do you dance when no one is watching? Sometimes
7. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money? No
8. Shower or bath? Shower
9. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed? In between
10. When did you last fall down? On my birthday when I fell out of MD's car
11. Love or Money? Love
12. Credit Cards or cash? Cards, but if I have cash I spend less
13. Have you ever knocked someone off their feet in a fight? No I've never had a fight
14. Would you shave your entire body (including your head)? No I love my hair!
15. Ever been to a strip club? No although I would go to see what its like
16. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club? No
17. Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere? Yes The Albion when I was 17!
18. Kissed someone of the same sex? Yes
19. Ever thrown up for drinking tooo much? A million times
20.do u regret 1 thing but seriously regret it ? A few things actually but no point in dwelling on it cos I wouldn't be who I am today otherwise

Songs

I was sorting out our cd collection last night and it got me thinking. Its funny how certain songs always remind me of people/times/places even if I don't actually like the song very much! As soon as I hear something it puts me right back there. S doesn't have this at all, unless he likes a song it doesn't mean anything to him and even if he does like it he won't ever listen to the lyrics or find it especially meaningful. I always say to him " remember when we were at such and such and we heard this?" or "this reminds me of so and so" and he never gets it! I guess we are very different in that respect. Some I thought of today that go back years...

Cannonball - our wedding song. Reminds me of S and driving round in the truck when I used to go to work with him. Loads of songs remind me of him but this is my favourite.
Superstar/Kelly Clarkson - my sister.
Mr Brightside - my sister, also F&A
Secrets - Lk/last summer
When you're looking like that/Murder on the dancefloor - DD
Brothers & Sisters/Oh sit down - D & C, Going out in Chester.
Kevin Lyttle/Pretty Green Eyes (remix) - F
Stacy Orico - JB
Samantha Mumba - Summer 2001, DS, L & D
As the rush comes - La
Face down - Last year in 6th form
4 Strings/Godskitchen/Anything hardcore - D&P
Heart of gold/blow your whistle - 1999, Lh & E
Dr Dre - Ed
Jennifer Lopez - MW
One day in your life - JH
Anastacia - MW's mum

Music means alot to me, I hear something and it makes me nostalgic. I used to love lying in bed in the dark listening to music. I don't get to do that very often these days. Or when S and I used to go driving round in the golf up to Jubilee Point in the dark listening to music. Sometimes I used to feel so happy I could die. I know that was down to the drugs really but I miss that feeling. Not the drugs, just the feeling of happiness and satisfaction like nothing else mattered. Nothing else can give you the same feeling of euphoria, I wish I didn't know what it was like to miss it. I feel like we have grown up so much this year. Mostly in good ways but I also feel like I have become boring. I don't think S has changed much really, he was never that affected by drugs infact he was probably more unhappy doing them, he could always take it or leave it. I am glad I don't do them anymore and I do feel better in myself. I don't miss the depression and feeling like crap for 3 days. I do feel like I've lost my identity abit now though. Who am I? Why don't I like myself and why aren't I happy? Jxx

Vicious Circle

I feel like I am traped in a vicious circle at the moment:

I feel sad and fed up with my life because I want to go out and do interesting things at the weekend and we don't....
We don't do things at the weekend because we are skint and because we don't have anyone to do interesting things with and S doesn't seem to like/want to do them with just me.....
Which makes me more sad and I moan at S and other people and I am not much fun to be around....
And I don't feel attractive anymore because I never go anywhere/do anything nice so I don't make an effort with myself etc.....
Because I feel unattractive and fat, I don't want to have sex......
Because we aren't having sex very often I feel sad and worried and I know S misses it too......
But I just don't feel like me anymore, I want to be how I used to be when I was happy and fun and attractive and when S and I used to do stuff but....

And so it goes on.....

I don't know why I don't feel like me anymore. I don't feel attractive at all, I don't even think about sex anymore which is really worrying me. When we do do it I like it and its good and everything I just never seem to think about it of my own accord. I know I never have thought about it a lot really but at the moment I don't at all and I don't think thats normal. I don't want to be like that. Other people aren't so why am I?

I have decided that I'm going to make an effort every day in the hope that I feel better about myself. So I'm going to wear nice clothes to work and do my hair properly and my make up etc. I'm hoping if I feel attractive then I will get my confidence and my sex drive back. Today I'm wearing brown knee high boots, a denim knee length skirt and a white puffy sleeve top. My hair is in a white headband and my skin is ok (for once) S told me I looked nice this morning so why do I feel so crap? Even stranger my knee high boots are loose when they always used to cut into my legs and the denim skirt is one my mum bought me to go to Ibiza with DD when I was 18 and it was always abit tight (I had to wear it up round my belly button if you get me) for the first time ever it sits on my hips. Now that surely means that I'm as thin (if not thinner) than I was when I went to Ibiza? When I was 18? When I pranced about in tiny skirts and bikini tops thinking I was the bee's knee's????? I know I weigh about 9 stone (just under according to J&B's scales) so WHY do I feel so shit? Why when I look in the mirror do I see a fat stomach and legs and a round face????

I don't know ;-(

I have revised my diet to now include fruit and veg as I didn't think I was getting enough. I am now having a cereal bar for breakfast, a banana mid morning, potatoe salad for lunch and a rice/veg bag for my tea. At the weekend I am treating myself to museli for breakfast. I have also got baby tomartos and grapes to snack on at home (and special K choc orange bliss bars if I fancy something sweet!) Hopefully it will make me healthier and keep the weight off....I have realised that I am practically vegetarian as I don't buy meat for myself, I will only have some if I have a bite of something S's eating. Even when we go out for meals I almost always pick the veggie option as I usually prefer it. I am wondering whether to make a total committment to it or whether I need to when I am practically doing it anyway? Hmmmm.

We are so skint at the moment it is driving me mad. Partly due to being off for a week and spending loads and mostly because of trying to sell the car sowe can't spend any money in case we need it. We have £30 left for this weekend and we have to put petrol in and go bowling so thats going to be it all gone. I'm trying to organize going to see E as we have planned a shopping weekend sometime in August, also S and I are going to the races and we want to take M&D out for a meal to say thank you.....I hate being skint especially when the weather is so awful. If it was sunny I would be happy to sit in the garden with a £3 bottle of wine at the weekend. I know I sound ungrateful and I should be very glad we're not flooded though. On behalf of the people of Britain: Why can't this awful rain just go away?!! Jxx

Pissed off

I am feeling pissed off today. I should be feeling ok besides the fact that its Monday but I'm not. Its because of lots of reasons to be honest. Although I have just found out that work want S to go and help D do a solar job at Elland again and he will be away for 3 days which has not helped. Not only do I not want to be apart from him, I can't get to or from work, I can't walk the dog on my own, I can't go shopping...And he doesn't even get paid any extra for going and having to stay there. I'm so cross why can't they take someone else?

Had a fairly poor weekend. We decided against going to Southport to look at the van as it would cost us too much in petrol and realistically we couldn't afford it even if they did give us £4000 for our car, so we didn't bother. Instead we got drunk at home and put out car on the autotrader as we're going to have a bash selling it ourselves although I think its highly unlikely. Saturday S decided he wanted to do the floor under the stairs which although it needed doing I didn't want it doing then which meant I had to sit upstairs looking after the dog until it was time for my driving lesson so that was the morning wasted. My driving lesson wasn't very good. I was wearing the wrong shoes to drive in and stalled it a couple of times. We are now only practicing the manouvers and driving round Morecambe etc as this is what I find most difficult so I feel like I have regressed abit as I am not so good at this. Still it is what I need to pass my test so I've got to get on with it. After my lesson we went to the photographers and gave them the list of pictures for our album/montage and a bottle of wine to say thank you which they were very appreciative of. Then we had to rush into Lancaster to get some thank you cards so I can write to everyone who came to the wedding/sent presents etc and a present for A as its his birthday on Sat.

When we got home we walked the dog then had tea and some drinks watching tv. I wanted to go into Morecambe as I was bored and S said we could but then he didn't feel well and was sick (he'd drank too much bitter I think) I asked him if he still wanted to go and he said he was ok so we went to wetherspoons. I wanted to go on to the kings arms but he wanted to go home. We ended up going to the kings arms but he would only stay for half an hour or so and then said we were going home. I was so fed up and pissed off as we'd only been out for an hour and a half tops and I'd looked forward to it and he wouldn't even try and have a good time. I know he wasn't feeling well but we didn't have to go out. I gave him the option to stay at home but he said we could go and we wasted £40 we didn't even have for no reason. I never get to go anywhere and have a good time, he won't try and enjoy it, he won't try and dance. I don't have anyone else to go out with and it makes me so miserable. I want to go out with him! He gets to do all the things he enjoys when he wants to and he can't even try and do this for me. I feel so old and middle aged at times.

I don't ever feel special or attractive or anything anymore. I just feel old and boring. I used to have so much more confidence and now when I look at myself I see nothing. I don't think I ever look good, I'm never happy, I'm just miserable all the time. I'm so sick of being like this. I want to be happy and fun but whenever I decide I'm going to just try and get on with it then nothing goes right and I can't rise above it. We are totally in limbo with money as we don't know whats happening with the car and until we sell it or whatever we can't spend any money in case we need it. We've got loads of peoples birthdays coming up that we can't afford. We're going bowling on Friday night with F&A for his birthday which will be nice but we can't afford to drink or do anything really and they want to go to Burgerking afterwards which is more money. We only have £40 for the whole weekend which really isn't enough to do anything and we'll have to put petrol in the car probably because we went to Glasson Dock on Sunday (which was nice but of course I ate too much so now I'm feeling fat and horrible) Ahhhh ;-( I don't know what else I can say. Jxx

Friday!

Its Friday already which is great. This week has gone quickly becuase its only been 4 days. Got a full week next week then we're off every Friday for 5 weeks! I can't wait! Only crap thing is the weather. Its utterly useless. This has been the wettest/greyest summer I have ever known. Its supposed to be sunny and hot for goodness sake! I am wearing a jumper! I hate it when the weathers rubbish especially at the weekend I don't want to be cooped up in doors cos its raining!

Anyway! Not sure what we're doing tonight just watching tv probably. Had a big clear out last night and got the house looking quite tidy so I don't mind sitting in it! Going to get up early tomorrow and go to Southport to look at a van. Hopefully it wil be ok they will take our car in part exchange but we shall see. Then I've got a driving lesson at 12 (great time not) which I can't really be bothered with but oh well. I'm kind of panicking now as I have 3 lessons left that my mums paid for then I've got 5 I'm paying for then I need to take my test cos I will have run out of money...but I don't think I'm going to be ready...I really need to practice my manouvers this week instead of just driving round everywhere. And if I have to drive to Kirby Lonsdale I will scream! After that we have to go and see the photographers and tell them which pictures we want in our wedding album and on our montage. Then hopefully it will be mid afternoon and the weather will be nice so we can sit in our garden and have a drink. Not sure what we are doing saturday night but I'm fancying Morecambe for a change! We shall see....Sunday off to jolly old Glasson Dock for sunday dinner and to exercise the pooch ;-) Jxx

I'm back and I'm married!

Introducing: Mr and Mrs Steven Hayes ;-)

Well its been a while I know but I have been busy with things! I will try and keep it all brief as I've got a lot of work to do and a lot to say!

The Wedding: Was absolutely perfect. I couldn't have asked for anything more. I was really nervous and stressed before going in but it was wonderful. The service was lovely and we were both over come with emotion at times. I didn't know whether to giggle or cry! I nearly cried a few times when saying my vows. It was over so quickly though and then we were being congratulated and given champagne! The photos went well and we have just got them back and they are brilliant. S looked gorgeous in his suit and everyone had made such an effort. I really did feel like a princess, Sh had done my hair beautifully and my dress was perfect. So many people said how lovely it was. The reception was brilliant even the speeches! My dad was fantastic the whole day, I couldn't have asked for him to be better. S's family were so funny and everyone seemed to get on ok with each other. I was amazed at all the presents we got people were so generous. It was all over in a flash really I wish I could have spent more time with S but we were both speaking to everyone and making sure they were having a good time. The night do was ok. I could have done without it really as I was tired and I couldn't be bothered with people getting drunk but S enjoyed himself and his family got people up and dancing which was good. I did love our first dance and I did have a dance as well although it was difficult in my dress! The only thing that spoilt the day a little was that KF got way too drunk and was being loud. D and DF had to tell her to go to bed for abit during the evening do. It was stressing me out a little and I really did not see it coming but apparantly she is like that all the time. I wonder where she gets that from...Not! However if thats the worst thing about my wedding then I think I am very lucky! All in all I wish I could do it again as it was so wonderful and I'm so happy when I look at my rings or call S my husband. It really was everything I could have hoped for and more.

Rest of the week: We mainly shopped and relaxed! We went to Fleetwood on Tuesday to look at a van and shopping, and Prestonon on Wednesday shopping and I passed my theory test (yey another thing off my mind!) My driving has got loads better although I still sometimes make silly mistakes. I feel that I can drive ok now I just need to perfect the manouvers and do my mirrors/observations better. My driving instructor wants me to book my test for September....AHhhhhhh!

On Thurs we went to Edinburgh for our honeymoon which overall was nice. The hotel was brilliant, lovely design and rooms. The staff were so helpful and pleasant and the food was delicious! We shopped in Edinburgh, went to the Camera Obscura and the Dungeons (both brilliant) and had some lovely meals. The only let down really was the nightlife. We were expecting some good/big clubs but there were none. We wandered about following different peoples recommendations but no where was really to our taste and all were pretty expensive. I even felt like I would rather be in missed Morecambe shock horror! Still everything else was good so I'm not complaining. It was good for us just to spend some time together relaxing just the two of us with no distractions or dog etc! 4 days was a long enough break though and its still nice to get back home and get back to normal with Bailey though. S especially missed him, even I did which I was surprised about as he has been doing my head in lately! Yesterday we took J&B out to the Mill to say thank you for all their help/support/money etc over the past years and towards the wedding. We had a lovely meal although I was very full!

All in all I do like having time off but I find I get stressed thinking about work and stuff its almost a relief to be back and get back into a routine again (although I know I always moan) Even though I am missing not being with S today ;-( Also we have eaten out so much in the last week I will definitely have put weight on so its back on the diet again! Ho hum! Jxx

Random Snippets

• I am getting married on Saturday. I can't quite believe it.
• The weather is still grey and horrible I am pretty resigned to the fact it will rain.
• I think Bailey has grown again. I feel mean for putting him in kennels over the weekend.
• Several people have told me recently that I have lost "loads of weight." This makes me really happy although I still feel I look fat especially my stomach and my legs.
• I know I have lost weight though as when I tried my wedding dress on last night it was much looser.
• I had a weird dream last night about choosing between 2 people to marry one was S and the other was someone else I couldn't make my mind up as I felt mean on both of them. I woke up and was very glad I was marrying S.
• I have ordered a gorgeous dress from Lipsy as I want to go to Chester Races in August. Its pink and white and will go with S and his suit. It should get delivered today! I just hope it fits!
• I am so glad I'm going to be off work for just over a week and when I come back I only have one full week then I'm off every Friday in August.
• Even better S is as well.
• We actually have some money! As my mum has sent me a cheque for £300, and we didn't have to pay British Gas the amount we owed them from not paying enough through the winter as its just carrying on through the summer so we have an extra £180.
• S's mum bought me flowers on Sunday, we are getting on much better now we see them more often.
• We can go and look at vans after the wedding and hopefully trade our car in for one. I can see we're going to get less than our cars worth and probably even have to pay abit towards one but its better than trying to sell it ourselves. Also I think J might give us some more money towards one from her second lot of back pay as she feels bad as she's given D&P lots of money recently.
• D is doing my head in. He came round the other night and stayed for ages. Normally I wouldn't mind but he is turning into a copy of P. I always really liked him and lately he is getting as bad as her for attitude and self pity and ripping off his mum and dad. How can they take £850 off J&B to pay their bills and yet keep their sky plus and their contract phones and get smashed on drugs every weekend. Its a blatant piss take. Its making me really mad I'm finding it hard to be civil to them.
• I have been really getting on well with CF and we have some interesting debates/conversations which brighten up my working day. I'm going to miss them when I'm off!
• I am feeling abit less stressed although I will probably be panicking later!

Jxx

Trying to relax

Everything should be more or less sorted for the wedding now and part of me is trying to be excited and the other half of me is just so stressed. I can't believe it is almost her it feels so surreal. People keept saying to me at the weekend that this time next week I'll be Mrs Hayes and it just didn't sink in. It's not like I'm nervous about it, well I am but I know it's what I want and I've been dreaming about my wedding day for years! I know I want to be S's wife and I am looking forward to it. I just feel strangely numb. I also feel like my sister is going to "outshine" me, I know its my day and people are there to see S and I but she was telling me last night about this dress she's bought to wear to the evening do (she's changing out of her bridesmaids dress) and I just thought oh she's going to look stunning and better than me. She looks better than me without trying and it makes me feel stumpy and ugly and fat in comparison. I know its stupid but I never felt like this before but now when I see her it doesn't matter how much effort I make I fall short when I'm next to her.

Anyway.....Got lots done at the weekend. Friday night we went to EG's surprise 21st birthday although we only stayed til 10 as we were tired and S was driving. We sat with F&A which was nice and a good laugh. Bless E she had no idea whatsoever it was so sweet and loads of people had come to celebrate with her. Saturday we paid for the flowers and rushed into Lancaster where I got some new jeans (like some I already had but the next size down cos they were reduced to £10) and some new white shoes. Bought S some tool bits as well. My driving lesson was good I don't mind parallel parking at all, still having problems with reversing round a corner but I was better this week so at least thats something. I feel like I'm finally getting it now and that I'm making less mistakes/making sense to me. After my lesson we dropped S&C's stuff off and explained about the hair which was ok and I think K (L's girlfriend) is going to try to curl theirs for them which would be a bonus. Sat night we went out to Wetherspoons in Morecame for tea which was very nice. I'm really liking that Wetherspoons at the moment it is my favourite pub and such good value. We stayed out for a few drinks afterwards although somehow I ended up quite drunk! We were out too early though and ended up home by ten. We will definitely go out in Morecame again though as it is no worse than Lancaster and much nearer!

Sunday we went to Glasson Dock for lunch which was delicious as usual. We managed to walk Bailey round the village before it rained as well which was a bonus as the weather has been horrendus all weekend - torrential rain, thunder, flood warnings! We also got a new tv! J has bought us one as a wedding present as she has given D&P money for their bills again as of course P hasn't been working and someone else will always foot the bill....So to be fair we now have a new 32inch LCD samsung tv from Currys and its great! It doesn't look like it belongs in our front room though its so posh! We have put the old one in our bedroom until it breaks which also looks massive but is pretty cool. So sunday afternoon we watched Shrek 3 on dvd and chilled on our new sofas in front of our new tv ;-)

Thats all the news for now. I'm bored as usual but its only a four day week so hopefully it will go quickly. I'm having a last ditch attempt to be very strict with the diet since I had sunday dinner and a pizza at the weekend so feeling abit hungry now ;-( Still its all for a good cause. Only 5 days to go! Jxx