Mixed bag

Bank holiday was abit random to be honest. The weather was miserable as predicted and I felt really miserable most of the time.

On Friday I was so glad that the week was over as it had gone so slowly, I drank 3 or 4 glasses of wine and ended up drunk. But all I did was watch NCIS and go to bed! It was stupid really as I ended up eating some crisps and potatoe wedges that I shouldn't have done and none of us slept well as S wasn't tired and then he woke the dog up who woke me up and we all tossed and turned all night.

Saturday S went off to look at a job for D&P's friends so I was stuck with the dog waiting for my driving lesson and feeling nervous as usual. My driving instructor was late because of the traffic and the first half of my lesson wasn't very good as I was stressed and kept making mistakes. Once we'd done 3 point turns my clutch control got better and I felt more confident so the second half of the lesson was lots better. He's told me to practice and put in for my theory test so I need to get learning that! We set off for Liverpool at half 5 and met my mum at the theatre in Crosby to watch E's dancing show. The first half of the show was really good and varied although it went on for nearly 2 hours! S went home in the interval as it was already late and Bailey was outside and my mum didn't think he'd want to stay for it all. The second half of the show was so random! It was a shortened version of the musical Chorus line which must be the weirdest musical ever! There was no real storyline and it was quite rude/certainly unsuitable for children! E wasn't even in it so I wish we hadn't had too watch it either! We didn't get back to Wales until midnight and saw D who seemed really pleased to see me, then I went to bed.

Sunday I got up fairly early and went to Chester with E. I thought we weren't going to have a very good time as it was grey and raining and she was in abit of a mood but by the time we got there things were fine. We managed to get a dress for L's wedding do (size 8!) Its a wrap dress and its green, white, blue and black print (sounds odd but really nice) Plus M gave me £20 towards it bless her. We got lunch in Cafe Nero which made a change and the panninis were gorgeous. I also got some new jeans and new black trousers - from the kids section in New Look! I couldn't believe I could fit into them but I am age 14-15 and they were so cheap! I'm definitely looking there in future (Thank you E!) Was great to spend a whole day with E and we got on really well. That was the highlight of my weekend to be honest.

Sunday night S picked me up and we went home where I just felt down and miserable as we had no money (spent £65 in petrol) and no where to go/no friends to do anything with. I couldn't even be bothered drinking I just sat watching tv and crying. S and Bailey were so sweet, cuddling me and trying to make me feel better. Bailey came and sat on our knees and snuggled us and let me cry into his fur. I just feel that life is so pointless sometimes, I don't know what I need to make me happy. I feel so lonely as I live away from my family and they think I can manage on my own (cos thats how I've always acted) and I haven't really got any proper friends. I've got lots to look forward to but I just feel like I'm always counting the minutes etc and what for? What am I waiting for? I want life to be more than this, better than this. I don't know what I'm looking for though so how can anyone help me? I just wanted to cry and cry on sunday cos I felt so miserable. I can't even blame it on drugs any more, I really thought I'd feel better now I haven't got all that in my system but I still feel as down as I did then. I miss having friends, even though D&P were only really good to get wrecked with now we don't have anything in common with them at all, especially as they don't want to do "normal" stuff like go for a meal or to the pub. I have basically stopped speaking to L at the moment as she has been really getting to me with her digs and I don't need it at the moment. We're seeing F&A on Friday to go for a meal which will be nice but there's no one else. S and I want a couple to be friends with and to do stuff with but meeting people is almost impossible.

I really hope this week goes ok. I don't want to be clock watching the whole time and I don't want to be feeling sad. I am trying to think of all the good things in my life because there are lots. I wish I just could be satisfied..... Jxx

Miserable and cold

The weather has gone funny again. It was really sunny yesterday afternoon but was drizzling and grey this morning. I have two long sleeve tops on and boots and I am really cold. I'm so sick of wearing winter clothes. I have some lovely shorts and tops that I want to wear and I'll be lucky if I get to wear them at all this year. So much for global warming I thought everywhere was supposed to be getting warmer!

I am feeling really miserable this week. I know it is probably because its that time of month but I can't shake it off. I've got loads of spots again and I feel horrible. I am miserable about the weather, I'm sick of being bored at work, I am sad because I have no friends and I don't see the point of weekends/days off if we aren't going to do anything nice so whats the point to life? I'm sick of stressing about the wedding and S's stupid unhelpful family. I'm starting to feel like I don't even want them at the wedding since they clearly don't care one bit about it. I'm sick of having to sort everything out myself and never getting any help.

I'm also mad at L. I've been emailing her these last few days as I have seen her three times in 5 months for a total of 4 hours so I wanted to try and meet up soon and in every reply to me she has to get a little dig in. How she's loosing weight even though she's pregnant, her drivings going brilliantly, how its easier for me cos I'm driving in Morecambe and becasue my cars a diesel....I haven't said anything to her about any of these things, if anything I put myself down to her (and other people) and I'm sick of it! She is making me feel bad and I'm not even trying to make her feel bad. I've not bragged about loosing weight (I've not even mentioned it) I've told her my driving is ok but I find it hard - so why is she doing this? I have tried to ask her what to wear to her "we-didn't-want-a-fuss-but-now-we're-having-a-big-wedding-party" and she has tried to make out like I should wear jeans but I bet everyone is going to dress up. Its like she's trying to make me look stupid. S thinks she's fake and that I should make the effort anymore and to be honest I think he's right. I know I haven't got any other friends but the balls in her court now. She goes from one extreme to the other, one minute she's putting me down, the next she's so gushing and over the top. When I first met her I couldn't belive how much we had in common but now I'm finding she just said she liked all the same stuff as me but doesn't really. Why would you do that? I wouldn't have liked her any less if we didn't like the same things!

I just want to be happy in my life. I have so much to be happy about but I can't shake off this feeling of sadness. I want to be like a normal person. I feel alot better since I stopped getting wrecked but I still feel like my life is so empty and has no purpose. Why am I here? Jxx

Tired

I'm tired today as I didn't sleep well last night. I don't know why as we didn't go to bed that late but I kept waking up every few hours as people were shouting in the street at about 2ish (drunk I think) and the dog was sick at 5 so I had to clean that up. I sleep so much better now we don't do drugs anymore but the bed gets pretty crowded with S and Bailey in it and sometimes I don't think I have enough room.

The weekend was ok. S and I went for a meal on Friday night to the Fenwick Arms, partly because we haven't been out for ages and partly because I wanted an excuse not to have to go to P's Ann Summers party. The food was nice but very expensive for what it was (£9+ per meal) I think I would have a salad if we went back though as I had a cauliflower cheese tart and because I had it as a main course you got two when really one would have been fine! S had roast beef and yorkshires and said it was lovely and he had chocolate moose for pudding which was gorgeous! We watched tv when we got in and went to bed. Saturday morning S went to the tip with SB early then got the handrail for the decking and put that up while I got up etc. We went into Morecmabe as I wanted to get a top from new look. I wanted a white smock top but they only do red, blue (which I bought the other week) and a very bright yellow. I got the bright yellow in the end as I have quite alot of yellow tops and stuff to wear then with etc. I like it its just really bright! I wore it with my new black shorts on saturday night.

Saturday night I went into Preston to meet K the girl I've been talking to online and another girl who she's been talking to, Sa. I was really looking forward to it as I haven't been out for ages. S dropped me off and we went round some bars (Forum, Squares, Cafe Manyana, Revolution and Yates) I didn't like the Revolution at all, we had to queue, it was way too small and the music was non-descript radio one style house. I like Cafe Manyana the best as they were playing my kind of comercial dance but K&Sa both liked Revolution better... It was an ok night although for some reason I really missed S. I felt quite lonely even though we were all talking (as much as is possible in a noisy pub) and just wanted to be out with him. I text him to come and get me at 11 but my battery went dead and I had to borrow Sa's fone to ring him. Then I set off to meet him at the bus station but somehow got totally disorientated. I couldn't ring him because I had no battery, none of the payphones were working and I was wondering around Preston in the dark. My shoes were killing me and I was getting quite panicky and upset. He eventually found me and I was so relieved I was in tears. So it was abit of an odd night really. Both K and Sa are really nice although I'm still not sure if they're my kind of people...I feel like I'm stuck between L&F who want to get married/have families etc and uni people who are just starting their careers and going out and doing "intellectual stuff". I never fitted in with the people when I was at uni but I want something more than the friendships I've got now. I want to find someone like me, that I really click with but I'm begining to doubt that I ever will. Maybe I am a difficult person to be friends with? I don't think going out is probably the best way to get to know people, I think shopping/a meal would be better. Also when you're in a 3 someone normally gets left out...I think I will see them again and see how it goes and maybe we will click more next time? I did like them but only in the way you like people you meet randomly, I don't know whether I would actively persue a friendship if you get me? But I really need all the friends I can get so I'm not going to give up yet!

My driving went ok on Saturday although I really don't like it being at 4 as it means I'm waiting around all day to get it over with. I drove for about 1.5 hours of my lesson, I drove to Hest Bank, Slyne, all round Lancaster, up to Galgate...I stalled it more times than last week though which was so annoying! I know what I need to do in my head but its translating it into practice! I also did a tiny bit of reversing but not much. I think I am getting better at it but I need tonnes more practice til I feel confident. I'm not giving up though. I will be able to drive!

Next weekend we are going to see E's show and then I'm staying in Wales and going shopping with E on the sunday. I hope this goes ok. I feel quite sad and lonely at the moment like no one wants to spend time with me and that I'll never have any close friends. Even E doesn't seem like she wants to see me and is always snappy with me. I have been feeling sad since Saturday night but I don't know what I can do to make things better. Jxx

I am:

So bored and cold. My feet are absolutely freezing. I've got nothing to do either. This is partly due to the fact we're quiet but more due to the fact the weather is meant to be getting warmer (haha) so people aren't using their boilers/needing new ones. I hate being bored. I sit here feeling like I'm wasting my life. I can not think of enough things I want to look at on the internet to keep me amused for 8 hours a day every day! I know the answer is find a new job but what if I'm bored there? Or so busy I am stressed? I know this is just life but I just find it so pointless sometimes.

I was hungry by 10 am but J gave me a few grapes which amazingly allowed me to last until 12:30 to eat my potatoe salad. I would never have said grapes were filling but there you go! Every time I'm hungry I try to think of my legs actually looking thinner and have a drink of water and hope it will pass! My new shorts have come and they are shorter and tighter than I expected! They fit but would look better if I was abit thinner.

For the last month or so my meals have consisted of:

Mon - Fri:
Breakfast - nutragrain cereal bar
Lunch - pasta/couscous/pototae salad pot (less than 300 calories)
Tea - Jacket potatoe with dip for topping
Drinks - water/tea

Sat - Sun:
Breakfast - cereal bar
Lunch - if at home cheese snack pot, if out bagette or similar
Tea - Proper meal of choice (less than 400 calories) or if I've eaten out at lunch time then I won't have any tea
Drinks - water/tea/wine - quite alot of!

It's not very much when I think about it like that but I really need to loose the weight and I seem to be doing ok without being horrendously hungry. I don't know what else I could cut out if I stabilize though as there isn't really much to cut out. I keep my weekend teas "normal" as otherwise I would feel deprived! I know it sounds boring but I feel so much better when I know exactly where I am and I have my routine!

I have been speaking to a girl online for a couple of days who advertised looking for friends to go out with/shopping etc. Her name is Katie and she is a year older than me and went to Manchester uni. She is working in Preston but coming to Lancaster in Sept to go to St Martins to do a PGCE! We are possibly going to Preston on sat for a girlie night out (!!!) to see how we get on etc. Another girl she has met online might also be coming so although I am not holding out too much hope just yet I may make 2 new friends! Which would be brilliant. More info as it happens! Jxx

Where is the summer?

The weather has gone totally off the last couple of weeks. There has been rain most days and I think it has gone colder again. I'm not impressed at all I've got lots of nice summer clothes and I can't wear any of them. I hate winter clothes they're so boring and you have to wear them for about 10 months of the year!

Weekend was ok considering the weather was pretty unsettled. S got his hair cut on saturday so we ended up going to the factory shop and into town before hand. Saturday afternoon I had my first driving lesson which although very nerve wracking was ok. My instructor is nice although he could talk for england! He made me do some basic stuff to assess what I could remember and then he made me drive from Bare back to Heysham! I even went on the bypass! I only stalled it twice I think and remembered how to drive (basically) so hopefully I will find it easier this time around. He thinks I should be able to drive by the end of this year which would be fantastic. My lessons are going to be 4-6 every saturday which is abit of a crap time but the only slot he's got so I've just taken it. The car seems easier to drive than last time although it was a long time ago! I know I need to believe in myself more as I kept putting myself down and it doesn't help my confidence. Saturday night we stayed in and watched TV whilst having some drinks. I wanted to go out but by the time we thought about it it was just pointless and we could only have gone to Morecambe so we didn't bother. Sunday S plastered the kitchen wall and then we spent the rest of the day sorting out the sky as the problem was with the dish not the box. S discovered that the cable was the problem so he has replaced it and also run it to our bedroom at the same time so we can get rid of those stupid useless receiver things. That basically took all day so sunday night we watched tv and went to bed.

Not going to wales this weekend as I would get there too late after my driving and it was going to be a big hassle. Instead I'm going to go back with them after we've watched E's show next week. This saves on journeys for S and means I can still have a sunday with E. Plus its bank holiday so I get a day with S as well on the monday. Not sure what we are going to do this weekend now though! It's so boring! Theres no where to go at night and nothing to do in the day that doesn't cost a fortune.....Jxx

Lionel is a legend!

Despite my complainings I was really glad I went to see Lionel Richie last night. The show he put on was brilliant, very professional and although I didn't know all the songs he did (some are from his new album) he did the classics and the atmosphere in the MEN was fantastic. I was very tired when I got home last night (just after midnight) Bless F's mum and dad for taking us and bringing us home though, I gave them £10 for petrol and they even took me all the way to Heysham. It would have been a nightmare getting the train especially as the weather has been terrible and it threw it own all day/night. I had a really good non stop conversation with F all the way there and durring the concert. Its weird we honestly have nothing in common but yet we can talk for hours! And for all her unorganizedness I do love her. She has such a cute little bump now and is halfway through her pregnancy (where has the time gone?) Madness!

My sister has text me today suggesting we go to Wales this/next weekend and all go for a meal then have S come home to be with Bailey and me and her go shopping on the sunday etc. Sounds good bless her I'm glad she has thought about doing something as I asked her a few weeks ago when I could see her but didn't know what would come of it due to work/transport (me) college/work (her) Got to ring her tonight to see what we can organize. Probably not this weekend though as we are short if funds as per usual (especially as I have ordered some long black shorts off the DP's website! Only £15 though including delivery) The weather is meant to be miserable all weekend though so I don't know what we are going to do otherwise as we will be bored stupid if we have to sit in the house all day. Oh I have my driving lesson I forgot about that. God I'm not looking forward to it now I feel so nervous...

I love our Bailey so much (and still also hate him at times) I love waking up in the morning with him snuggled on the end of the bed. S and I pull him up the bed til he's inbetween us and cuddle up to him. This morning he was lying in between us with a pillow over him like a blanket! He feels dead nice cos he's all warm with his lovely soft fur and silky ears. He's so sweet when he's sleepy he just yawns and puts his head on your shoulder and goes back to sleep. I am not loving the dog hair everywhere on the duvet though! Jxx

Random thoughts

I am happy about:

Went to the doctors this morning and got weighed as part of our introductory check up. I am 60 kg which apparantly is 132.27 pounds which is 9.5 stones. Which is less than 9 & 1/2 stone! The diet must be working! I am very happy about that. Also my BMI is fine/spot on! Yey! I still want to be about 9 stone though but I am very happy I am getting there.

It is Wednesday already, the week is going quite quickly and soon it will be the weekend. Although we have no plans as such it is just nice to be off work.

I have my first driving lesson on saturday, I don't know if this is a good thing or not. I am very nervous but I just want to get on and learn and PASS! So got to start somewhere. Plus my instructor sounded nice when he rang last week.

I got up at 7 this morning to get a shower and get ready so I feel nice and fresh and smartly drressed at work. This is because I have to go straight from work to F's in order to get to the concert on time. Thankfully F's dad is now taking us and bringing us home so we don't have to faff about with trains!

I am not impressed that:

I have horrible spots though. I was fine all weekend but cos I got stressed on Sunday/Monday so now I am paying for it! I wonder if I will ever grow out of spots....Jxx

Weekend Review

Weekend was ok. Weather has been abit random though and not sunny like I had hoped. Friday night we went to D&P's for a bbq. It was ok at best. The food was nice but it was cold weather and P was decidedly rude. I know she is under stress at the moment as she is officially jobless but she was so short tempered with us, saying catty things and leaving us to make conversation with her all the time. I just can't be bothered with it. She will go out of her way for "her" friends but it feels like she only tolerates us because we are related to D. We weren't even really invited to the bbq it was for all their cool raver friends and we only went round cos S spoke to D but its a good job we did since no one else went. Hmmm.

Saturday we had to go to the post office to pick up a parcel (my underwear for the wedding!) we also picked up Sp & Ch's dresses as they are finally finished thank god. Had a brief look around Morecambe because we had time on the parking metre. I bought a top in New Look and S got some blinds for his shed. He thought he saw Bailey's brother/sister tied up outside Argos but by the time he'd got me it'd gone. I was disappointed I would have liked to have seen him/her. Spent the rest of the day sitting in the garden. S has rigged up some speakers outside now so we can listen to music which is good. Weather was warmish. Sat night we were really bored so we ended up going into Lancaster. BIG mistake as per usual. It was dead apart from Wetherspoons (which now has a dj??) We went to the Litten Tree and Fibber Magees (was rubbish this time though) Ended up going to see what liquid was like (Why I don't know) We were the first people in there (at 11pm!) we had to pay a tenner to get in! We stayed about 10 mins then left and went home. We ended up spending £60 which was such a waste but only £30 on drinks, £20 on taxis and £10 getting into stupid liquid! Its just so dissapointing I only want to get dressed up, go out, and listen to some decent music! I don't know why thats an impossibility in Lancaster/Morecambe!

Sunday was a depressing day as per usual and it rained all day. We went to Focus to look at plants but they were expensive so we didn't buy anything. Watched TV and went to bed. Monday we went to JJB to get S some trainers and then J&B came round at tea time (not for any reason just to see S and the dog) which was ok, they still annoyed me abit though. Then we watched TV and went to bed again.

Other news: I'm feeling really stressed out at the moment. There is no work on at the moment and I don't know how long the business is going to survive and what we are going to do for jobs if it goes under. Part of me thinks it won't happen and we will ride it out as J&D have been doing this for 18 or so years. The other half is petrified that its all going to go wrong. They had to let CD and Ad go on Friday as there is not enough work to keep them on now they're qualified so that was upsetting. The wedding is coming up at an alarming rate and no one apart from my mum is interested in it. I've still got little things to sort out and I'm starting to feel panicky about it for some reason.

I'm supposed to be going to see Lionel Richie in Manchester tomorrow night with F and its so unorganized its untrue. I checked the train times last week as originally she had said she would drive but now she's changed her mind. It turns out we can't get the train back as the last train is 9:45 and the concert won't be over by then. So when I phoned her to tell her she starts angling for S to pick us up! Now maybe if she'd asked weeks ago but it really isn't his problem so in the end she has asked her dad to get us. So I ask her what time we are going in, no reply. I've checked the train times for tomorrow and the train we need to get is at 5:29 well there's no way I can get to Lancaster for then. Besides I want to go home and get a shower and stuff since I won't be getting in til midnight and I have work the next day. I've tried to ring her but no answer. I don't need this stress! I don't even want to go that much. She has had over a year to organize this, it was supposed to be for my birthday, why has she left it so late to sort out? What does she expect me to do? Plus we have to change in the middle of Wigan and go from one station to another! Its too much hassle. I feel stressed just thinking about it.

Everythings getting to me. We have no money to do anything. Every weekend is miserable, we have no "real" friends to do things with. I'm sick of sitting in the house watching TV I just feel like there should be more to life than this. I don't feel like this is worth it. I just want to be happy. I used to find happiness in stuff now I don't find anything makes me happy I'm just worrying all the time. And its been throwing it down today. Jxx