Why does the weekend go so fast?

As usual the weekend has flown by and its back to work already. I don't know how the weeks go so slowly, they really do drag but then the weekend is over so fast.

Weekend was ok. We went to Preston on Friday night to order a new sofa as I am so sick of the scruffy things we've got at the moment. We didn't get there til 7:20 but we managed to find one we liked and have hopefully arranged finance on it (£50/month for 2 years) but its interest free. We just have to wait and they'll contact us if there's a problem with the finance. We are getting a 3 seater, a 2 seater and a footstool thing. They are so comfy I can't wait to get them. The only thing is we have to wait 7 weeks for them but that can't be helped. Saturday we had to go and change Ch's stupid bridesmaid shoes and get some things in Lancaster then we went home and sat in the garden even though it wasn't that sunny. Sat night we ended up with L, SP, L's girlfriend, CD, his girlfriend and her cousin round. They also brought their baby with them and left her in the front room watching tv. She is a very good baby but I don't know how much they bother with her. Sp ended up paying her more attention when she was crying and stuff it seemed like they couldn't really be bothered.

I don't know why we bothered doing a bbq really as people hardly ate anything we just wasted a load of food/money. It was abit of a random night all in all. Everyone ended up drunk on fosters and sitting in the cold shed cos Keisha was in the front room. CD had brough some coke and he was on that and he gave some to S (who didn't tell me which I wasn't impressed about.) Me, L and La ended up on pills except they weren't pills it was fett which I'd never had before. They didn't feel much but I had an ok night on it as I couldn't stop laughing at everyone and even things that weren't funny. D ended up coming round at about 5 cos he was locked out so me and him ended up up til half 7 in the morning. When I got to bed I couldn't sleep and my mum was coming at 2. S ended up cleaning the whole house as it was a total state. I didn't get up til 1 and by this time I felt dreadful. I know its totally my own fault and I went against everything I said last week but for some reason I don't feel as angry at myself as I did last week? Even though I know I was weak ,it just kind of put me off it further. Its put me off really being friends with CD etc and having people round so I think it was a useful exercise in a way as it reminded me why we stopped having parties! Its funny but we could still have D&P round and that would be ok cos at least they are respectful and tidy (not that P would come but you know what I mean) I think its cos we can say no to them (about drugs) but we were trying to impress CD and La?? I don't know why though. So I think we're going to stop trying to be friends with CD and La. I mean I don't mind seeing them in the pub but I don't really want people round, the house was such a state and because they wanted drugs S and I ended up doing them cos we are weak and were trying to be polite. The "buzz" isn't even worth the way I feel the next day, I wish I didn't even have the option of getting them. If it was just S and I we would never have bothered.

I want to do something just us next week even if we have nothing to say to ech other! We have got no money at the moment so it wil probably just be staying at home with the dog but I don't care. I wish I could enjoy drinking and we could just do that and be like normal people. We need normal friends that just drink and don't even think about drugs and stuff. Hopefully now the weathers getting better we can sit outside and try and have a laugh. Its stupid really I haven't even felt a buzz of drugs not last week I just felt out of it and was talking rubbish and this week I felt so spaced out and just laughing all the time but in a kind of out of control way. I still felt odd hours later which was abit freaky as I just wanted it to wear off. And I was sick. My mum came at 2 and took us to The Duke for lunch but I couldn't eat mine. Then we sat in the garden for a few hours. It was good to see her but I wasn't really in the right frame off mind (which I'm cross about now). Bailey was so well behaved with her though I was really pleased with him, she thought he was good as well! After she'd gone we went to J&D's so I could have a fitting of my dress and nce we got in I went to bed and slept all night, I even missed Criminal Minds! I felt rough this morning but I feel better now I've had some lunch. I hate feeling like this though I don't know why I do it to myself. I don't know how its worth it (it isn't) I don't know how people can do it 2 nights a week every weekend! I know I used to but I can't cope with it now. I just want to be normal but I find it so hard, I get bored too easily and then I get depressed. We have no money either at the moment which makes it harder to find other things to do although I am so grateful that we have a garden to sit in now. Jxx

Lonely

Feeling lonely and old at the moment. I never thought I'd say I felt old but I do. I feel like I'm too old to be wanting to go out dancing or go to the pub, too old to want to be stupid and have a laugh. Everyone my age (L and F) are settling down and having families and I feel like I'm on my own. I don't see why having a baby means you have to give everything up as you can still have fun, and I'm sure F will to an extent but I can't see myself seeing much of L even after her baby's born and it makes me sad.

I've been thinking about being young and being in school/sixth form. All I wanted to do at the time was to grow up so I could go clubbing and leave home, all I ever wanted was to get a house and now I have one and I love it but I get tired of having to think about bills and money and cleaning and being sensible for the future. Part of me wants to be 15 again with nothing to worry about but going out drinking at the weekend and getting dressed up with my friends. But of course at the time I always wanted something else. I miss having good friends. I mean I've got F and L but at this age we've all got partners and people put there partners first. Of course I put S first but I would like someone to gossip with, get ready with etc. I feel like I lost my friends when I was 15 for MW and I never really got them back as I always had a boyfriend. I remember the times with L&E and then later with T and then even with F&J. I miss having friends like that and now it feels like I'm 23, I'm too old for it all I should be settled down having dinner parties and doing couple stuff with other couples. I don't know how to make any more friends to do things with either.

I want to go back to how I was before drugs, looking forward to the weekend and all its possibilities, getting ready, going to the pub, when everything was exciting and new. I love S and I love spending time with him but its not the same sitting in your house having a drink watching tv, it doesn't feel special it just feels "old". I know I'm never happy! But I need to do something about this before I end up feeling resentful and even more bored (as I have done in the past) as this is when I become a not very nice person. I've tried talking to S about it abit but its hard to explain and its not really something he can do anything about either.

I think I'm stressed about the wedding as well. I feel like no one from S's family is giving me any help. I am so fed up of all the problems with SP & Ch dresses/shoes etc. I wish I'd never promised them they could be bridesmaids it really would have been a lot easier. This wedding is suposed to be mine and S's special day and I'm not hvaing anybody ruin it. Ahhh. I feel stressed, its stupid - I wanted to be "grown up" for so long and now I wish I wasn't! I think I've just got disillusioned with everything and I'm not quite sure where I'm going. Also the dog ripped up the kitchen lino AGAIN last night! Just another thing to piss me off! Jxx

Ps. Have been on a strict/simple eating plan now for about 3 weeks, not exactly a diet but something I can stick to permanently and hopefully I'm seeing some results. Took my measurements the other day and my wasist is down to 24/25" which is the smallest its been since I was with S so hopefully if I keep on with it eventually my legs etc will get thinner too!

Really annoyed and disapointed

Not impressed with myself at all. I am ashamed to say I had some pills this weekend. I'm so cross with myself I just want to pretend it never happened. It all started on Saturday night as S and I had gone to the Dukes for a drink. We were having a good evening, just talking to each other then CD and his girlfriend came in. We ended up going over to talk to them for abit, next thing S and CD are talking to some lad in the pub about coke cos he's going to a house party on our street and bringing some. So S ends up inviting them back to ours and they're going to get some coke off this lad. Well cos they were having drugs then I felt left out so when we got back to ours D was there as he'd come round to see us so I asked him if P had any left. He went and got me 2 and I stupidly did them before the others got there. Turns out this lad had turned his phone off and so nobody could get any coke anyway. I was very drunk and abit wrecked and when I think back to it now I was such a knob. I really don't like myself at all when I'm wrecked. I get something in my head and I have to do it. I make a fool of myself and say stuff I shouldn't. We didn't end up going to bed til 4 and the next day I felt dreadful. I was glad I didn't feel sick but I just felt odd - not normal. I felt drained and wanted to sleep all day but I couldn't sleep properly becasue its the disrupted sleep you get from drugs. The weather was crap so we just monged round the house all day watching tv. I kept wanting to eat loads as well which is going to play havoc with my diet which would never have happened if I hadn't taken them. I had been doing so well and I gave in so easily when I said I was never doing them again. It just isn't worth it, it makes me so stupid. I just can't deal with drinking, that makes me an idiot as well. I just want to be happy and merry not somebody that talks without thinking or ends up being sick. I don't know what to do with myself, I hate staying in on a Saturday night even if we have a drink cos its boring and I really don't like drinking that much but I don't know if we can trust ourselves to go to the Pub. We want friends to do stuff with but they all do drugs so its difficult. I am so cross and disapointed. I know it was only one night and I'm trying to move on from it. I've only done them twice in 4 months which is brilliant really compared to how we were. I just really thought I had more will power than that.

Saturday day was good. S and I went into town with D and sorted out the shirts etc for the wedding. S looked so nice in his suit I can't wait to see him in it again. We had lunch in Fibber Magees with J&B which was good for a change although abit pricey but you got loads. Poor D is having real problems at the moment with P and her lack of job/money. I don't know what they are going to do as she needs a better paid job but they're so hard to get round here. She's making his life miserable at the moment by not talking to him and blaming him, but at the end of the day, she's his wife and he needs to sort it out, its not really our business. Not much else to say really, the weekend went so fast because we basically wasted Sunday. Can't believe its Monday already. Really hope this week goes quickly. Jxx

Another angry week

Back to work again. Why does time go so quickly at the weekend? Even though we had a 3 day weekend it still went by in a flash.

Bailey was neutured on Thursday. He was abit subdued that night but is absolutely fine now and is back to his usual (if not more affectionate) self

Friday - it was lovely to be off. We went into Lancaster to pick up the wedding rings and managed to choose S a suit in Greenwoods which they're going to alter for us. They're also getting in some shirts for us to look at this saturday so hopefully I can get them for the men and then we are almost done! We sat in the sunshine all afternoon in the back yard before having a bbq for tea. We then met F&A in town which started out well (ish) and ended up being a disaster. Town was so so dead, although we went in some random places (Fibber Magees and the Last Orders) which were really good. S wanted to go to liquid for some stupid reason and through a strop, I didn't want to go as I wanted to stay in Brooks even though it was dead cos the music was good. I ended up crying and we all went home at 12. F drove us home which was nice of her but I was so mad that S had ruined the night again. He has said that he hates going out and he doesn't want to go anymore so I doubt if we will ever go out again. I feel like he just spoils the one and only thing that I like doing. We've never really been successful at going out as we never really did it in the beginning cos we used to do stuff in the house or go on missions and as a result we never got used to going out with each other. I just feel like he's denying me the one and only thing I enjoy.

Saturday we took Sp & Ch to have a bridesmaids dress fitting as G has not bothered to take them. Fortunately Sp's is almost finished and we only need to take Ch one more time. I'm angry about that as well. I have had to do every thing for this wedding, S and his family have not done one single thing. If it wasn't for me then there wouldn't be a wedding. Its supposed to be a really special day for both of us and at the moment I'm feeling like he couldn't care less. The rest of the day we sat in the garden all day as the weather was beautiful. Saturday night L & Jh came round for some drinks in the garden which was ok. Sunday we went to Bentham to see L's new house and we had promised we'd go ages ago and hadn't got round to it (of course S moaned about this as well) It took us ages to get there cos the traffic was bad and we only stayed about an hour and a half. The house is really nice, it made me quite cross that they've been given all that for nothing when apparantly they earn more than us. Its funny how they've got fancy tv's and furniture and can afford a new car and 2 driving lessons a week and most of all a baby, but they can get a council house. Especially one thats brand new and doesn't need new guttering, or pebble dashing or a roof or decorating or anything!

S has been off these last 2 days as he's suposed to be working on the house but all he's done is faff about with his shed and as for the stupid electrician (who I didn't even want but oh no his family had to interfere and get to come round) He has taken all day to put electrics in the shed, was still there at half 6 when I got in from asda, didn't leave until after 7 AND had to come back today! I've told S he better not be there when I get home. I'm sick of coming home to a messy house and the electrician is just creepy. Ahh I feel really unapreciated. All S talks about is his plans for the shed/decking/tools, he isn't interested in the wedding plans, he isn't interested in doing anything nice with me. Even when he sits in the garden he has to be pottering in his shed or doing something, he can't just sit and talk to me. He never listens when I talk and try and explain how I feel. He just rings me up asking stupid things and can I buy this or that? We are going to be so skint this month cos he's HAD to order the decking a month early. Tough if I wanted anything andit's £100 more than he calculated. I'm sick of having to sort out everything, sick of being responsible for stuff cos if I don't do it know one does. Sick of it all. Jxx

Stressed as usual

Back at work already the weekend has gone so quickly even though it was a 4 day weekend. Work is stressful as usual and I don't want to be here. JT has damaged his ankle at work on Friday so he's off for god knows how long. I should be pleased as I can't stand him but it makes things stressful as we have a busy week and S and I are off on Friday (which J has already moaned about but its tough we booked it off its not our fault he's hurt himself and SC is off on holiday as well we've got plans and we aren't coming in!)

So Easter weekend review...Was ok really the weather was beautiful until yesterday so we mainly sat in the back yard in the sun with Bailey. It is so nice to be able to sit outside I really appreciate it! S worked on his shed alot too (surprise surprise) Friday night we went bowling with F&A. I couldn't be bothered but when we got there it was actually a good laugh. It wasn't too busy and cos there were only 4 of us we managed to get 2 games in the hour (almost) I won one game and S won the other! After bowling we went to Burger King and then went and played on the arcades! It was good to see F&A we all got on really well and it turned out to be a really good night! Saturday I had my hair done at Sh's new hairdressers. I've had more blonde put through it and as usual she's done a good job I love the colour of it ;-) Saturday night I wanted to go out (as per usual) but we dithered about as we didn't know what to do and of course we had no one to do anything with. Ended up going into Lancaster and what a waste of time that was. We had a drink in the Litten Tree and 2 drinks in Hustle. Town was dead, it was freezing cold and I was worried I'd left my straightners on so I couldn't relax so we ended up going home. Was a proper crap night and a waste of money. I was so dissapointed as I had wanted to do something all weekend but becuase Lancaster is crap and we have no friends it was ruined. Sunday we went to the globe for tea which was expensive but nice. Yesterday J&L and their kids had come up from Manchester to stay in her mums caravan which is only down the road from us so we went to Happy Mount Park with them and played crazy golf, then went round Morecambe Market and to the Reebok shop. It was a good day apart from the weather was cold and rainy! It was good to see J&L and nice to have somebody to do something with (another couple) I wish we had more people to do things like that with. We see F&A but A works every other weekend and they have a house to do up and F's pregnant so they are abit restricted (although we are meant to be going to Brooks with them on Fri!) but there isn't anyone else. We would never do things with L&M as we don't really know M and to be honest I've not got much to say to L at the moment. D&P make me so mad, they will never come out and do anything but they can sit in and get wrecked every night at home and drive up to an outdoor rave at Kirby Lonsdale but they can't even come to the pub with us. Its funny how they can spend money on things even though they can't pay their bills. They're going to loose their house if they aren't careful. Its such a shame though as we would both like to spend more time with D but as P never wants to do anything/go anywhere we can't. I don't know what it would be like if he was with somone else but I can't help think that if he had a girlfriend his own age then we would all do stuff together/things would be different? I don't know. I do like P but she is only interested in herself and what she wants and she's going to be D's downfall if he's not careful...

It makes me really sad I just wanted to do stuff at the weekend and although we did have a good time overall I just wish we had more friends to do things with. They don't have to be deep and meaningful friends, just people to have a laugh with/go out with etc. S and I enjoy each others company but it's hard to find things to say to each other all the time especially if we go on a night out. I feel like I'm being forced to stay in/be old because we have no one to go out with even though its not what I want to do. Its so annoying that we've given up getting wrecked so we don't have anything in common with D&P anymore and they aren't prepared to do anything else so what are we suposed to do? I feel like we've given it all up and it hasn't even benefited us (although it has mentally and health wise) but we are bored all the time (well I am) I just want people to sit in the pub with and get on a buzz with why is that so difficult? I wish I knew somewhere to meet more people but I don't. I suppose we should join somewhere or something but its hard. I miss my sister I wish she was nearer, I miss having someone to go shopping with, someone for S to hvae a laugh with, someone to have a dance with, to have bbq's with...Meh I feel so frustrated. Jxx

Nearly Easter (thank god)

Only a 4 day week this week and next which is a huge relief as it has been so stressful recently. There seems to be loads of problems at work with customers and staff and if I'm not worrying about one thing then there's something else. Not got any plans for easter yet but hopefully the weathers going to be nice so we can sit outside etc.

Last weekend was ok. We went into Lancaster on saturday but didn't really achieve much. Couldn't find any jeans for S, town was really busy and we just ended up walking around aimlessly. We did order our wedding rings though from Argos which is something and got S a new phone as he had broken the screen on his old one and couldn't ring/text any one. Met L and went to the Litten Tree but she'd already had lunch in Mcdonalds (god knows why) so she just watched us eat and then rushed off cos she was getting the train. It was pretty weird seeing her to be honest. She seemed funny with me and like we didn't really know each other/have anything to say to each other even though I was asking her about the baby and stuff. She didn't seem very friendly, it made me sad as I don't want to stop being friends with her but it doesn't seem like we are getting on/are close at the moment? After that we met J to give her some wedding invitations for S's family and went home. I am getting on better/ok with J at the moment as I'm trying to make more effort/be more considerate to her so hopefully things will improve there. We spent the rest of the day sitting in the back yard in the sunshine which was great, listening to music on the laptop. We had had a few drinks and then S decided to ring CD to see if he was in the pub, as he went outside to get a signal Bailey ran out after him and got hit by a car that was coming down our street. Very fortunately he was ok and had only grazed his face and leg a little bit but it was so frightening. We got him inside and cleaned him up and checked for any other injuries but he was ok just shocked. We sat with him for abit to make sure he was ok and he was eating and jumping about like normal which was such a relief I honestly don't know what we'd do without him. Anyway S wanted to pop into the Dukes as CD and his girlfriend were there so we went but we kept taking it in turns to go back and check on Bailey every 30 mins to make sure he was ok. We had a few drinks in the pub but it wasn't as good as last week as the entertainment only started really late and he was doing the same songs as the week before. Somehow though I ended up quite drunk but not in a good way. I really need to not drink at home if I'm going out cos I get confused about how much I've had as my measures are not the same as the pubs. Everytime I've drank too much has been when I've been drinking at home first so I need to stop doing it/do one or the other. Or else be much more careful and watch how much I'm drinking! I'm still really struggling with this drinking lark. On Sunday I felt dreadful. I had had a bit of an upset stomach on saturday and on sunday I was being sick and had an upset stomach. I ended up staying in bed most of the day with horrible stomach pains and shivering whilst S worked outside with Bailey. I didn't really do anything on Sunday as I felt so rubbish which was a shame as the weather was beautiful. I still felt abit odd on Monday and other people at work have been feeling the same so I think something has been going about.

Not much other news, having my hair done on sat as it is a mess, not sure what I'm having done probably more blonde though I think. I have ordered a phone like S's off the internet which hopefully will be here any day (half the price of the one in the shop - not impressed) Also our gas bill for the last 3 months came and its huge, we owe them £100 (they think) but I've worked out we actually owe them more as they have only estimated our metre reading. I think we owe them about £200. They've put our monthly payments up but I can't tell them our actual metre reading until our next bill in May/June and hopefully we'll have recouped some of what we owe them. Part of me just wants to cancel the direct debit and just pay the bills quarterly as the whole point of being on direct debit was to keep the bills the same every month but now they're going to be assessing it every 3 months anyway so whats the point? But then part of me just thinks I should leave it and see if it evens out. I've got the money to pay the bill I just hate oweing money...I should just forget about it but I don't know if I can. I get stressed so easily everything winds me up. I wish it didn't but I just obsess over things all the time...Jxx