Miserable

I seem to be so miserable all the time recently. I don't mean to be but I can't help the way I feel. I know everyone at work thinks I'm grumpy but I'm sick of them all. I hate being here so early in the morning, I hate all the stupid lads that work here thinking they're the bees knees. I'm starting to dread coming in, I don't want to be here any more...I want to work in an office with other nice women who I can make friends with not loads of cocky plumbers. I'm really pissed off with L at the moment as well she is so full of it with the baby and their wedding (which was on Friday - nice of her to even tell me) I don't know why I'm so mad, I know what its like to be busy and to not have time to see people. I don't really want to talk to her about it as then it will seem like I'm moaning. I'm just so mad at everything/everyone. I'm supposed to be meeting her in town on saturday (S and I are defo going in this time!) so we shall see how that goes. I feel bad now as I know how F must have felt so in a way I feel like I can't challenge L about it as I was just as bad ;-( Atleast F and I are getting on much better now/making the effort with each other.

Weekend was ok. The weather was beautiful which was nice. Friday night we went round to D&P's as they had invited us for a change cos they were having a fire even though it was freezing. I didn't really want to go as it was cold plus they were faffing about so by the time they called us to go round it was half 8. We ended up going as we hadn't seen them for ages. It was a waste of time. I was freezing, they were both wrecked so were being annoying, I tried to get drunk but cos it was dark and I couldn't see how much I was drinking (and cos I was annoyed) I drank too much - over half a litre! We went home at eleven cos some random other person on drugs turned up and we really couldn't be bothered with it all. I was sick when I got in (horrible) and we went to bed.

Saturday we were supposed to go into Lancaster as S was having his hair cut but as I felt really sick when I woke up so he went on his own. When he came back he got back into bed so we stayed in bed for the moring for a change! After we got up we took the dog out for a walk as the weather was so nice and sunny. Saturday night we decided to go to the dukes for a few even though we were both tired and I didn't think I could drink after Friday night. We were glad we went as there was a singer on who was really entertaining. He did a whole range of songs (70's, 80's modern etc) and I knew all but 2 of them! The pub was really busy (although most people were 40+) and some old people were drunk and dancing! All in all it was a good night. Sunday S had to go back to this job he's been doing with D to finish off and to meet the owners to get paid. He didn't get back til 3 and only got paid £150 of his money as they couldn't get the rest out til this weekend coming. We went to Morecambe market just for a look round then we sat in the garden cos the weather was sunny again. That was the weekend really. It was ok, the best I've had for a while anyway.

I still don't feel very happy though. I'm getting really stressed about the wedding as its only 14 weeks away and we've still got loads to sort out. I'm getting really annoyed with S's family. G hasn't been taking S&C for their dress fittings so they are no where near finished. I offered to take them this weekend but they are going away in the caravan for 2 weeks! They made such a big fuss about wanting to be bridesmaids and they are taking no interest whatsoever. No one is helping me with this wedding. S's mum laughed at my colour scheme and hasn't asked me if I want any help. S isn't interested either I feel like I'm fighting a loosing battle. Jxx

Feeling fed up with life

Still feeling pretty down about everything. Weekend was good in parts and crap in parts.

Friday night we had F&A round for tea. I really couldn't be bothered when I thought about it as I'd had such a crap week but we had arranged it so they came round and we cooked then Fajitas and nachos. It was actually a good night. It was nice to see them and we had a good chat and a laugh. They ate all the food and loved Bailey! S and A also ended up drunk which was amusing! Saturday S was working all day so he got up at half 7 and left. I was supposed to be going to see how S&C's bridesmaids dresses were getting on but at the last minute I had a text from G saying she wasn't going now. I'm getting pretty fed up with that to be honest. It is no skin off my nose if they aren't my bridesmaids they can just give me back the £200 I've paid and forget it. I don't see how its too much trouble. Unless they were expecting me to take them for the fittings? I don't see why I should really? It's not like I've not got enough to organize? My mum came down saturday afternoon to see me (bless her) so I wasn't on my own all day. We had lunch at the Duke's (full of drunk people as it was St Patricks day) then we went to look for hotels for people to stay in for the wedding. She left about 5. S didn't get in til after 7 then by the time he'd had a shower and tea there was no time/point in doing anything. I was so disappointed as we didn't go out or anything last weekend and I really wanted to atleast go to the pub or something as I had been sat about all week/end literally counting the hours til I could do something "fun". I ended up crying all evening as I was so sick of everything and climbing the walls with boredom/frustration. We were in bed by half ten. Sunday S worked all day again. F came round at 1 and picked me up and we went to the William Mitchell we were there a few hours and it was great. Had a lovely meal and we chatted for ages about all sorts of stuff. We are getting on so much better at the moment (I don't want to curse it though!) but I'm really glad. Plus it saved me from another day stuck inside with the dog. S got back at 6:15, he had his tea then we watched rubbish tv and went to bed.

I'm so sick of my life and how boring it is. I want something but I don't know what it is that I want. I cannot believe that this is all there is to life - just making your money and then you die. There must be more purpose? More happiness? I realise now that getting wrecked all the time was just covering up how I felt about my life. It was just giving me "artificial happiness." I could cope with everything because I knew that every Friday and Saturday night I would be getting atleast 2 hours of "happiness" guaranteed. Now I don't get any feelings of guarenteed happiness and my life is stretching out in front of me and I don't know when I'm going to next be happy. I know it sounds stupid but I can't stop thinking about things I wish I could be like S and other people and just enjoy my life as it is but I can't. I just want to be normal! I wish I wasn't so down and grumpy and miserable all the time. I don't want to be like this but I can't seem to snap out of it. The worst thing is I don't even know what I want. I just know that I want more. I do feel better for not getting wrecked any more but its made me realise that it covered up a lot of other problems which I'm now having to deal with. Jxx

Even more down

I'm feeling even worse today I really feel like crying. I don't know what's up with me I should have loads to look forward to with the wedding and stuff but I just feel like there is no point to anything. I spend all my time at work, really bored, not wanting to be here. I don't want another job or anything...I don't know what I want any more I'm sick of my life it seems to empty and pointless.

Just found out that L's pregnant as well so I may as well give up as my only 2 friends are having babies and will want to spend all their time with their babies and their husbands. I've not got anything in common with either of them any more. I was pleased that F&A were having a baby but now when she meets L&M at the wedding then they're probably just going to fuck off together as they are having babies at the same time and will be able to talk about all baby stuff that I haven't got a clue about. Neither of them are going to want to do things with me any more cos I won't understand how things are when you have kids bla bla bla. Plus when I eventually do have a baby they'll have been their done that and will be able to tell me all the things I'm doing wrong ;-( They make me feel like there's something wrong with me cos I don't feel ready for a baby yet. I still only feel young I don't understand what this massive rush is to get pregnant. But I may as well just get pregnant now cos I've got no one to do anything with any more. I can't go out anywhere or anything so sod it lets all have kids. I'm joking but thats how it feels. We don't have anything in common with D&P anymore cos they're still getting wrecked and I don't want to do that but we've got no one to do anything with.

I know I'm wallowing in self pity and I should really be happy that they are both pregnant and getting what they wanted but I fell so left out and lonely. I'm trying to be all happy and smiley about it but inside I feel sad. Mind you I feel sad about everything at the moment so nothing new there. Jxx

Still on a downer

Still feeling pretty crap. I just don't know whats wrong with me. Can't get interested in anything. Feeling really horrible. I'm tied all the time even though I'm going to bed early. I think I look awful no matter what I do I don't look right. I'm trying to be strict with my diet again cos I look fat/ter, my hair is a mess no matter what I do I look funny. I can't go brown I'm too pale. My face is too fat...I just feel ugly all the time at the moment.

Weekend was rubbish. The dog had managed to rip a piece out of the middle of the kitchen floor on fri night so S spent all saturday building his pen in the back yard so I had to watch him/ amuse him (Bailey) so he wasn't getting in the way. We had no money to do anything this weekend L ended up coming round (although I don't really know why) S and I had a few drinks, I smashed a full glass of vodka on the floor (by accident) so I had none left so we went to get some more forgetting that Asda closes at 10. S and I had a big row on the way back, I got upset, then we went to bed. What a shit night. Sunday we went to Glasson Dock for lunch and took the dog. J did my head in calling him "her boy" all the time and making out like he's hers and stuff. She is really riling me at the moment. I don't know why but I just can't seem to take it. She seems to be making a big thing about everything and I'm finding it very difficult to be nice and smiley and not let her get a rise out of me. I think it's cos we hardly see them any more so she is cross and she's jealous of Bailey so she's being bitter. I don't know. He is outside now all the time (in the day) so she doesn't need to come any more which is hopefully going to make things better. I really don't like people in my house when I'm not there. Although she is going today to take some bricks! It seems like we can't get rid of her sometimes. That sounds horrible but its the way I feel at the moment. We walked Bailey round Glass then we went home and did nothing in the evening. Totally crap weekend.

Not much else to say really. S is working all weekend again doing this stupid job with D so I'm going to be stuck with Bailey at home. We have no money again and D has had the work van taken off him so now I'm suposed to find £20 in petrol so they can go to the job in our car. Just great. I'm really sick of being skint it just makes everything else more miserable. Jxx

Writen at home for a change!

I've not really been in the mood to write at work so I'm doing a quick update at home instead as there is nothing worth watching on tv!

Well the weekend was good in most parts. S drove me to Wales on Friday, we were there by 8 so we had some dinner then S left at 9 and drove back. I had a nice evening talking to M&D about various things then went to bed. Took me a while to get to sleep as it was very strange without S and of course Bailey lying on my feet! Saturday I went to Chester with M. Managed to get D's birthday present (golf balls how unexciting!) we had lunch in Cafe Nero (nice but overcrowded and expensive!) I also got some nice wedding invitations and a tiara from Bhs. We also saw a really nice suit for S in Bhs which I'm hopefully going to get when I find it in his size! By the time we got back it was late afternoon so we talked about the wedding plans and listened to classical music in an attempt to choose some for the ceremony! E arrived after she had finished work and we set off for Liverpool. Had some excitement on the way due to E needing to put water in her car (she'd never done it before!) so we had a mission to open the bonnet and discover where to pour it! Then she missed throwing the money in for the tunnel - twice! It was funny. We arrived in Liverpool about half 7 ish so then we went to Wetherspoons for tea. Went home and got ready whilst consuming vodka then went into town for 10. Had a few in Walkabout then went to Mood (E's favourite club) The man I knew from destiny was there again so we all got in free ;-) Had a really good night in there we didn't even change floors as the music was so good. They played the 2 favourites- Kelly Clarkson and Mr Brightside so we were happy! The only bad part about the night was that I missed S and felt abit lonely as Dv and his friend met us in there and they are only interested in E so they hardly spoke to me. Also S had decided to ignore my calls and go off to some random party with CB and his girlfriend which I was abit upset about. Sunday we woke up early and went to wtherspoons for breakfast followed by browsing round St Johns (definitely worth going to when I have some cash) which filled the time until E had to drive back to go dancing. All in all it was lovely to see her and I actually went out and got drunkish but not stupid and I wasn't ill and I could dance! Well sort of dance - still don't feel the same as I would if I was wrecked but it was better than I thought. If I drink vodka I seem to be ok so I will stick with that from now on!

Not much other news. We've been to the Elms tonight to discuss in detail the wedding plans. Everythings coming together all of a sudden. It's 4 months today! I can't quite believe how quickly it's come round! Hopefully we are on track with most things and I won't have to get stressed haha. Work is ok at the moment I'm getting on with CF alot better, I was actually glad he was there on Friday as J&D had gone away. I just can't seem to be bothered with anything a the moment - I just don't have any enthusiam. I think its because we are short of money this month so we are limited on what we can do. I didn't see S all last weekend even though I had a nice weekend, he still has to work for another weekend in a few weeks so I won't see him then either. I don't know, I just feel abit sad all the time recently although not really about anything in particular! I supose I'll shake it off eventually - hopefully. Jxx