Don't know what to do ;-(

After the weekend I'm now even more confused and fed up about the state of my weekends. Basically we had L staying with us all weekend as M&G were going away and he didn't want to go. This spoilt my plans abit but we didn't really feel like we could say no. Anyway he came to work on Friday and we took him home with us. We ended up doing nothing on Friday night as per usual which is ok after 9 as things are on tv but until 9 is really really boring. Sat S and L got up at 7 (madness) as S was fixing a toilet for his mum's friend and wanted to get on with building his shed. They spent all day (until 3) working on the shed and I was bored as per usual. I was suposed to be meeting Ln in town but at the last minute she decided she couldn't go because get this her and Mk have decided they are getting married! Sometime in May but at York registry office and no one knows about it. So they were going to choose wedding rings etc bla bla bla. She had to get a point in about being sorry they were getting married before us etc which really annoyed me as why would you say that if you weren't making a point of it? I know its their loss but it still really annoyed me. Anyway we took Bailey for a walk on the beach at about 3 then we had to think of something to do in the evening.

This is where I came unstuck again as we were so bored we decided to get wrecked, and what a waste of time that was. It wasn't any better than it ever was, it was just another waste of evening and money. We ended up having Jh round as well which was ok but we drove all over even though we shouldn't have, we drank too much and we didn't even do anything! It was so stupid - all the things we have not wanted to be doing. But we were just so bored and we didn't know what to do with L I know we should have thought of something or done nothing but you know how I am.... I felt terrible the next day both physically and mentally as I was really cross with myself. I also had a really really bad headache and I slept all day whilst S, L and Jh worked on the shed (I supose that was the one benefit of having them round) They didn't go until the afternoon and they had left the house in a right mess, cups and plates everywhere. They had manage to use 8 glasses! Between them! Cos they never bother to wash anything up. So all I did Sun evening was try to tidy my tip of a house.

I'm just so annoyed because we did exactly what we had said we wouldn't do and it was all my fault, I just couldn't cope with the boredom any longer but we should never get wrecked in the house ever again - there is NO POINT. We wasted money, petrol, alcohol, time and just made ourselves feel terrible. I was really hoping it would have more effect that previously but it didn't at all I don't think I even felt a rush. Plus I drank way too much again and I still felt worse than ever the next day and on Monday. I don't know what we can do any more. We have agreed we need to do something on Saturdays cos otherwise they really are terrible but we don't know what we can do. We are going to try going to the Dukes again this Saturday to see what its like (on a sat) but apart from that I don't know. It's not like we can go to Lancaster very often because its too far and a waste of money and it isn't even that good anyway. I don't even know if we would go to Pier or somewhere anymore because S has stopped completely from now on, I think.

I've been thinking about it and S and I don't even get on better being wrecked - I just realised that on Saturday. I used to think it made me better and happier and able to get on with S/other people better but it doesn't. Well not any more anyway. It just makes me look terrible and messy and want to do stupid things and I still annoy S (and him me.) Plus they always make me want more even though its pointless. I used to think I was just stupid off drink but I'm not - I'm stupid when I'm wrecked as well. That was always the main point for me that I was "better" when I was wrecked but I'm getting to feel that I'm not any more. I still get in a bad mood/think stupid things and wander off and act stupidly/selfishly. I used to think I couldn't trust myself when I was drunk and that I was always making mistakes and stupid decisions but when I think back to recent years I've made plenty of mistakes/stupid decisions when I've been wrecked. And I'm certainly not any less ill any more either. I used to feel so good the next day compared to being hungover but now I feel worse than being hungover! It doesn't really have any of the good effects it used to if I'm being honest. If I can learn to dance when I'm drunk then there really will be no point in getting wrecked any more. I don't know what to do about my birthday whether to try going to town and just drinking or not....? I know I've got another week to think about it. I don't want it to be crap but then its probably going to be crap anyway.... I wish I'd never ever started to be honest. I think I've run out of luck with them. I've had a five year run which I supose is pretty good but this is it now. I'm getting too old/immune to it all. Basically the whole last year I've never really been getting that good an effect and it isn't worth me doing 4 or 5 or even more. I've tired it and I just feel dreadful the next few days and I still don't get that rush. Can I do it though? Can I really just get pissed like everyone else??? Do I have the confidence to dance/go out without them? Will me and S be able to get on or will we argue??Lots to think about here.

Other news: Bailey's dog training was ok last night. I really didn't want to go but we've paid so we had to. He was alot better this week mainly due to that fact that S was doing all the things with him. He seems to respond alot better to S for some reason so he can do it from now on! One of the trainers is very nice but the woman in charge really makes me feel stupid and as if we don't know what we are doing. We are there to learn what we are doing obviously! Oh well.

To end on a positive note I think I have got thinner/lost some weight! I took my measurements the other day and I'm the smallest I've been for a very long time so thats a good thing! Just hope I can keep it that way. Its mainly due to the dog walking I think which we obviousky have to keep up. It will just be more pleasant when the weather improves although it is starting to get lighter which is nice. Jxx

Grrrr

Just a brief rant about this idiot at work JT. I haven't liked him since I first met him I didn't know why but I just didn't take to him. He has been working for us since about October I think and he is just a tosser but J&D think he's wonderful for some reason. He is lazy and doesn't work except when D's there he also doesn't do things properly (like flushing out) and just takes short cuts. He's arrogant and has a terrible opinion of women (he was shagging some random girl while his wife's about 2 weeks off giving birth) He knows I don't like him so he's always giving sly digs like on the xmas do saying S wanted to go and see the strippers in Morecambe. First time could be passed off as a joke but he kept saying it again and again trying to get a reaction. He was slagging S off yesterday saying he was useless and stuff. He is a greasy ugly slimeball and the sooner he leaves the better. The thing is he is probably going to fuck J&D over because he keeps going on about how he's not stopping here and how he's going to go back to Whitehaven (where his wife and 5 thousand children are) but in front of D he goes on about buying a house down here. Also he's getting loads of expensive tools on works account and he told S&Ad that last time he did that he buggered off with the tools and never paid for them. I can't even say anything to J&D about him cos they won't have it and I can't prove anything. Also I get the feeling it might be a test to see whether I say anything or not. I just hope he does fuck off back to wherever, he's not good for the business, he's not good for staff moral/commitment and he's basically just a tosser. Its not like he's even dead good at his job so we need him cos we haven't even got enough work on at the moment anyway! I hat men like him who think they know everything and are gods gift. I felt like this about JA and I was right about him. I guess we shall wait and see although I hope he goes sooner rather than later...Jxx

Boredom

Another Monday morning and yes I feel great but I am SO bored. It's all very well this being good/healthy malarky but I become so bored and then the problems start...

Weekend was ok, Fri night we took Bailey out and then watched tv and went to bed. Was ok we weren't really expecting to do anything else so that was fine. D&P had decided to get wrecked (can't believe they only lasted one week!) but we said no, so were feeling quite pleased with ourselves. Sat morning we got up early and went into Morecambe as we had to go and pay the rest of the deposit on the bridesmaids dresses, and we had a tea/coffe and cake in a little cafe which was very nice. I really do love feeling healthy on a Sat morning its been so so long since I've been able to get up early feeling fine and really appreciate having Saturdays off. When we got back we drove to Middleton Sands and took Bailey on a walk on the beach. Even though it was really windy I enjoyed it and so did he. We walked for an hour without even realising. Didn't do anything else Saturday day except watch stupid tv and this is where the problems started. We were so bored, there was nothing on and we didn't know what to do with ourselves. We ended up going to Asda to buy some alcohol as S wanted to then just as we were having a drink and listening to pier tunes D&P turned up. Of course Bailey went mental (as he does) I couldn't be bothered with guests and P going on about how boring everything was. S said I was doing his head in by being down so we ended up having a big argument and I went to bed at half nine in a sulk. S came to bed at quarter to 11 when they had gone and we sorted things out but it was still a rubbish/waste of an evening. I don't know what else we could have done or anything but it just was awful. I was really upset about everything. Then L rung up at 11 to say there was a party at M&G's which we hadn't been invited to so he was asking us we were obviously in bed though and a bit fed up that we hadn't been asked in the begining. Sunday we were up early again and went to Morrisons to do the food shopping (rip off) as we won't be able to go this week as S is working up at Cark and will be home late ;-( And to get a dog cushion bed for Bailey. Walked Bailey round Heysham in the wind and watched tv for the rest of the day.

That was our riverting weekend. I do feel healthy and I've also lost abit of weight (I think) from not drinking (I had one double vodka all weekend) and for all the walking I've done (walked for 1.5 hrs Weds and Thurs, 30 mins Fri, 1 hr Sat and Sun) which is good but my god it is so so boring just sitting at home not doing anything. I don't want to do anything on Fridays I really don't but Saturday nights are driving me crazy and it's only been 2 weeks! I don't even want to sit in and get wrecked though I want to go out and do something but there is of course no where to go. It's a losing battle, a catch 22 cos whatever we do is rubbish ;-(

Went to dog training last Monday night, it was ok, alot more dogs than I expected though. Bailey was very hyper and of course dying to go and see all the other dogs. We didn't do very well unfortunatley as Bailey apparantly does not know his name and we can't keep his attention! We have been working hard on changing this and trying not to let him pull on his lead however it isn't easy. He has learnt to lie down now on command which he couldn't do before we went so we have achieved something! We have 7 more sessions so hopefully by the end he will be alot better! He is such a sweetie now he was asleep right next to me in the night and I had my arm round him. The longer we walk him for, the better he is so we know even when we don't fee like it taking him out is good for all of us! He is living in the kitchen now instead of the bit under the stairs as S's mum had a big sulk about how it wasn't fair on him and so we moved him into the kitchen to give him more space although S is building a brick shed which will have a built in kennel for him so he can go outside and run about more (suposedly) We will see anyway. Thats about it for the moment I've still no idea what I can do for my birthday and I need to make some plans for this saturday or I will go insane even if its just going to the Dukes again for a drink! Jxx

Feeling Healthy

This is the first Monday in as long as I can remember where I feel fine on a Monday morning. I still didn't want to get up but thats just laziness! I know it was stupid all those weekends we spent wrecked only to feel awful the next day/week and I really do feel better for it today. It is boring in a way not doing anything but then its really making me look forward to when we actually do something. Also it kind of takes the pressure/stress off planning what we are going to do every weekend etc then being disapointed if it doesn't go right/is rubbish... If we don't do anything it doesn't matter. We don't need to go to Ls's, we don't need to have so much money put away etc etc.

So at the weekend we: Went to the Dukes Fri night with D&P. It was so bad it was quite funny really! We only ended up having 2 drinks in there but it got us out the house although the pub was pretty quiet and full of old people! Me, S and D were laughing at stuff and making jokes haven't had a laugh like that in a while. P was in a mood cos she was obviously wanting to get wrecked but although I did I also didn't. I need to prove to myself (and others) that I can do this and not give in. I am sick of feeling panicky about whether or not we can get things and not being able to relax until we've got them. That really isn't healthy. Anyway I was abit fed up Fri night cos I was half pissed and that made me want to do something but then we went home and went to bed and on Sat morning I felt so so much better. I was really glad we hadn't done anything cos we could get up early and I just felt good. We went to M's t take him to get some skirting board from work then we went to Sh's to get our hair done. S has finally had his mop chopped and he looks tonnes better. He really looks good with short hair ;-) Sh did my highlights and cut my hair and we all had fish and chips there then we went into town so I could try to spend my vouchers. Got some black pants in topshop for work. I think they were a complete rip off and I don't actually think they suit me but never mind. Got a nice roomy black bag in new look so thats all my vouchers spent. Then we ended up going back to M's where S helped M to put skirting board round his whole back room (he hadn't a clue bless him, he's not got the Hayes DIY gene) so I talked to G and she made us some baguettes for us for tea (proper tasty) By the time we got home it was half seven and we couldn't be bothered getting any beer so we watched tv then we watched Deja Vu which we'd borrowed from M. What a mint film, not seen a film as good as that in a while. Sun we got up early ish then S decided to drain the c/h down so we could move the TRV from the lounge to the bathroom to try and make it hotter in the lounge as its always too cold and the bathrooms like a sauna. After that we met F&A in the Revolution at half 1 for some lunch and a few drinks. Was really expensive but the food was nice and it is a nice pub to sit in. I ended up half pissed again! Was a lovely afternoon though we all had a proper good chat about loads of stuff. We were saying its so strange a year/2 ago we were all sat there talking about who was doing what with whom and getting drunk and yesterday we talked about mortgages, babies and weddings! We must be getting old! No it was a really good afternoon though ;-) After that we took the dog for a walk and watched tv then went to bed. So overall a nice quiet weekend, but we got loads done and best of all I feel great! Our money also went further although we'd have loads left if we hadn't been to the revolution (spent about £35!) but the meals was £17 and then we had a few drinks so...Was better than wasting money just sitting at home getting wrecked and atleast we've hardly drunk much this weekend (5 glasses of wine compared to 3/4 of a litre of vodka!) so thats got to be good for me!

Still not sure what to do for my birthday. Its only 4 weeks away...I wanted to go out but I've given up the pier idea for definite, P said go to Lancaster but it's finding somewhere to go. I quite fancy Brooks and I know F&A would prob come although D&P prob wouldn't, I don't know about L&M. But then thats it really. I would like to do something with more people but I don't know who or how. We are going for a meal with F&A to Ask and we'll prob go for a meal with my family and a meal with S's family ( I can see I'm going to end up fat!) I will have to have a think...Jxx

I'm getting too old for this shit

It's E's birthday today so Happy Birthday hunni! Unfortunately I'm still waiting for her present to come from Amazon though. It had better be here soon ;-(

Well its back to work and back to normal life and I feel like crap. The cold which I thought I had got rid of is back with a vengance. My nose is totally blocked and I have a cough. I have just tried to blow my nose and now I am deaf . Its doing my head in. I just want to go back to bed but even thats rubbish cos I can't sleep. I can't even lie down because I can't breathe! Got some beachams last night in Asda so hopefully they will work their magic.

Rest of the holiday was ok. We didn't end up doing much although we got some worthwhile things done. We went in to Morecambe and sorted a photographer for the wedding, the flowers and the bridesmaids dresses! So lots of things I was worried about have now been resolved. Also M&E came down to see me and we went for lunch at the William Mitchell- we've never been before but it was lovely and really good value so we'd definitely go again. Also I showed them my wedding dress which they loved (a big relief) Hopefully things are coming together now for the wedding (fingers crossed) as its only 6 months away! Oh my God!!

New Year was ok. We went to M&G's as planned. I wasn't looking forward to it as I was in a bad mood and couldn't be bothered however it turned out fine. I even ended up doing Karaoke (with the man next door!) S got too drunk (he didn't have any drugs) and did my head in abit but apart from that it was a good laugh. I don't know how the rest of them stayed up so late though. We were in bed first as I started coming down and I just couldn't be arsed anymore. I felt awful the next day as well. Not so much ill or anything just drained and depressed. The weather was so grey and miserable and I just felt like everything was pointless and a waste of time. I just wanted to cry.

Felt abit better as the week progressed. S&C came to stay on the Monday night as I'd promised them and we've been putting it off for ages as there isn't really anywhere for them to stay (as the spare room is a a state) but they said they didn't mind. It was good actually as it kept me occupied. We watched TV, went on the net and C gave me & S makeovers ;-) S was a pain though as he spent the whole time on the net or messing on S's phone and wasn't very sociable at all. Plus the dog went mad as he isn't used to other people being there. Fri night P ended up coming round as she had fallen out with D so she came to ours to get wrecked then L, O & A (another new friend!) came round and we played some games and stuff. It was a good laugh. We were up til nearly 7 in the morning (well me & L were but the others stayed up til 4 or 5) Sat stayed in bed most of the day. Sat night couldn't really be bothered doing anything. Tried to get wrecked but was a waste of time completely. Went to D&P's but they still weren't speaking so watched a film (cos it was on) and went home again. We rang L as he was at home with some of his mates but it was too late for them to come round. We went down to see them and ended up getting some more pills off his mate (another one we hadn't met before) but they weren't like normal ones they were completely different, really trippy. I think they were ket pills or something. S and I ended up lying in bed with the dog feeling really odd like we were melting. They just made you want to lie there and mong, thinking about life! On sunday we were rough as usual especially as my cold had decided to come back in force so we did nothing except take Bailey for a walk. Bailey has been so much better over the holidays. He's really coming into his own. He's still very hyperactive but I know we need to walk him more/for longer. We are going to take him to dog training classes at Hest Bank starting on Monday for 8 weeks so hopefully they will be helpful! He crawls up the bed in the night and gets between me&S and snuggles us. Its so sweet I love him so much even when he's being hyper we just put him in his pen for 5 mins to calm down. He is beautiful and he even smells nice ;-) I'm so glad we didn't give up on him even though its still restricting having him.

Other news- F&A are having a baby! But this time it is planned. I am pleased for them I was kind of shocked/unsure at first but now I'm really happy for them and also excited! I've never known anyone close to me have a baby before so I'm looking forward to it! She is only 6 weeks or so, so its being kept quiet at the moment but once she gets passed 12 weeks etc we can talk about it more.

The biggest news of the past few days is that S and I have decided to stop getting wrecked (yes again I know) but we are really serious this time. It just isn't half as good as it used to be. We are spending a fortune trying to get a decent effect. Sometimes we don't even feel like doing anything but we still do it anyway because we are bored and then we are tired and miserable the next day and we have wasted all our money with nothing to show for it. Yes we have had some good nights at peoples houses/our house but really we should only do them when we go out. As we don't go out very often then atleast when we did we'd get a better effect/have a better time. I know we have said we are going sto stop before and have for a while and then started again but I just feel this is getting so stupid. We aren't even enjoying ourselves that much we have just got into the habbit of doing it. Other people seem to be able to go without them for months and then just do them sporadically without "needing" them all the time. S said he even used to stop for months. It's frightening really, the longest break I've ever had without doing them is 2/3 weeks. 2 weeks off in 5 years. Thats terrible no wonder I am so used to doing them. I also feel we are getting to old to being being stupid and getting on mad sessions. We are adults and we should be doing other stuff and having fun in different ways. I mean there's nothing wrong with going out and having a few every once in a while but every weekend just sitting at home watching tv or even playing games we just shouldn't need to. I hate feeling like I need them and getting panicky when we can't get them. I shouldn't need to have a supply "just in case" it shouldn't be the end of the world without them. Lets be fair how many times do we ever really go out? Once a month probably not even that so if we "needed" to get them cos we were going somewhere I'm sure we could. I just hope we don't get bored and end up going back to them cos thats always been our problem. One weekend we can manage but after 2 we start saying whats the point cos we're bored in the evenings. I don't know what "normal" people do. I supose they go out drinking or whatever but the whole point is we don't go out that often. I supose we could still go to D&P's and just get drunk but I know I am terrible drunk. Thats always been my problem. If I was nice when I was drunk then it would be ok but I'm not I'm even more short tempered, argumentative and stupid. I also end up looking a state and I hate drunk people they always make fools of themselves. So then I would just have to be sober all the time which is even more boring really! I would like to go to the pub for a few drinks, like a local pub or something but then it means trying to get someone to come with us cos its a bit of a waste of time/money just me and S going. I don't know I wish I could go back to the begining and start again. I ued to love going to the Albion and the Boathouse and getting pissed at the weekend but then I started getting wrecked and that was better and now none of it is enough. I just want to be happy and not be so obsessive/stressed about things. I want to enjoy just spending time with S and not always moaning that I'm bored and that I want to do something. If I'm honest half the past times I'v been wrecked its been pointless cos I've not felt that much/we've not really done anything. I know I keep saying this but I need to do something about it. If I'm not really enjoying them anyway then there can't really be aby point and why will I miss it? It's a bad habit and one I need to get out of...

I also don't know what I'm going to do for my birthday now? F can't go out now for obvious reasons, D&P will prob be too skint. I was going to go to Pier but it will end up just me&S on our own which makes it more expensive and is there any point? Am I really that bothered about it? The music is brilliant but it can be abit full on, yo can hardly sit and hav a chat there and I always end up a hot sweaty mess! I love getting ready and dressing up in nice clothes and having a dance but I need somewhere where the musics good (pier or cheesy tunes?) and I have lots of people I like with me (no where? town?) The trouble is where else am I going to go? Lancaster is just appauling it really is, so then preston? I just don't know what I even want anymore. And wherever I go I need to decide if I'm getting wrecked. I just don't know. I don't think I can go out and drink...I don't want to argue....When I hear music though especially dance music I start getting on a buzz and then I want to get wrecked. I really don't know what to do. We shall see though. Jxx