Feeling happy

I'm feeling happy for a change! It's Friday, J has gone home again so I'm on my own with K until she comes back to do the wages which is fine by me it means I can just relax. My skin seems to be getting better (touch wood) I have actually done my hair properly this morning (its amazing what a difference that makes!) and I am wearing a top I had years ago which a) still fits b) looks ok and c) makes my chest look great ;-) Ok maybe not entirely appropriate for work but I'm on my own, so!

We are possibly going up to Bentham to see L tonight which will make a change but I'm waiting for her to text me back and let me know so we will see. Not sure what we'll do otherwise probably just go to D&P's but I would rather do something tonight and then go there tomorrow as it always seems harder to find something to do on saturday nights and then I am even more depressed on sunday! Got to do some work on the house this weekend. We got quite abit done last night, I painted the fire and S put the shelves up and we sorted all the wiring out so it's now hidden. Its amazin what difference it has made. Already the front room looks loads better so I am happy about that. Got to go into town on sat too and make an eye appointment as well as getting card/present for P and a card for Dm. Honnestly everyone seems to be having their birthdays in the next few weeks! Still really skint but we'll find a way somehow. We always do.Jxx

So bored

I'm so so bored at work. Got stuff to do but can't be bothered and I can't find anything to do on the net. J has gone home cos she's decided she wants a day off so I'm sat here on my own as well. It's been another crappy week. D hasn't been here so I can't ask him anything and basically all the people who are waiting for me to get back to them about all the little crappy wet plumbing jobs will have to wait forever because we aren't doing them and we don't have anybody to do them. Oh marvelous. I don't know what they expect me to do sometimes I can't make these executive decisions I just do what I'm told but I'm the first person everyone speaks to as I ALWAYS answer the phone so if anyone is in a bad mood or wants to complain or whatever then I get it first....I'm sick of having to tell customers that they need to speak to D and telling him to ring them but he never does and they ring me back and complain. I get it in the neck every time and then they moan that they're stressed??????

Meh.

Anyway no other news to report apart from the fact that we are seriously seriously skint. Had a panic the other day as all our bills go out on the 1st (practically) and as we get paid weekly then there wouldn't be enough money in the bank by a long way. So I moved some money from the savings then realised that basically we would never be able to spend that money as it would always have to act as an overdraft for us...Was really annoyed about that but I phoned the mortgage company yesterday and have cancelled the direct debit and set up a standing order for the mortgage payment (as thats the major one) to go out on the 15th instead. Fingers crossed this will solve the problem but it doesn't come into effect until November so we are still skint until after the third next week as thats when we get paid. Great just great.

Oh the only good bit of news is we are getting a puppy! Yes mad I know but P at works friend has had puppies and they are half staffy which is what we always wanted so we went to see them last night but they were too new (only 12 days old) so we couldn't really go near them cos we didn't want to upset the mum. Anyway they printed some photos for us and have said they will definitely keep a tan boy for us! They only want £50 as they aren't pedigree or anything but they will be wormed etc and they are gorgeous! I'm really excited bout it. I know parents will go mad but its up to us if we want a dog and we will look after him properly. Everyone on our street has a dog and we have a back yard now and we are right by the beach for walks etc. Plus taking him for walks will be good exercise ;-) We can't get him for atleast another month/6 weeks so I've put some money aside for him and his cage/bed etc etc. Ok I know, I'm saying we're skint but we can afford a dog?? I guess I just mean we don't have money to waste on going out at the weekend... Plus we couldn't pay for him now if we wanted to as we really don't have any money until we've been paid. So there. Jxx

I hate Mondays!!

Not happy to be back at work today. Everything has gone wrong as per usual Monday madness. I'm always tired on a Monday no matter how much sleep I've had on the sunday and the weekends are never long enough!!

Had a rubish nothingy weekend. Went bowling on Fri night which was actually really good and a good laugh however it all went wrong on the way home cos S wanted to stay and I thought we should go as we had told L and D they could stay and it was already getting late. So we argued in the taxi home and then argued until they turned up. It was a stupid arguement as well mainly fuelled by alcohol but it was still upsetting. The rest of Fri night was ok and then on Sat S and D were putting the back door in which took ALL DAY. I had nothing I could do, the house was a complete building site as they were ripping up the floor etc I ended up sitting in the bedroom all day on my own doing nothing. I knew it was going to take them time to do it but I was just trapped in my own house I couldn't even go anywhere as I had no transport and I felt so stuck. Again my day depended on S and because he wanted to do the door thats what he did! They finally got it finished about 6 ish and then we had another arguement as it was basically too late to do anything or get anything. We ended up watching stupid saturday night tv and then we went to see D&P for abit and went to bed. Sun we went to Matalan and the factory shop where somehow S ended up getting more things than me! Had tea at the Litten Tree which was nice although we couldn't eat it all for a change! Sun just watched a dvd and lazed about the house. Oh and the computer has developed some kind of virus (apparantly I still think its a con to make you buy more virus protection) We think its from downloading music but it was making it sound terrible like the computer was going to blow up or something! I've updated Norton and installed spybot so hopefully we are now protected abit better. S was proper stressing out asking me what to do and I was like I don't know! I don't know any more than you! He makes some things into a proper drama when things happen and I don't know how to solve them...

L has just phoned me cos he's got free calls which was nice of him ;-) has cheered me up abit-he always makes me smile. He's one of my favourite people. Can't wait til he's older and we can get him to go out with us. Although S will probably have given up going out completely by then!

Asda tonight, yipee as if my day couldn't get any better...Oh and I'm coming out in spots everywhere so I feel a mess ;-( Like I said I hate Mondays! Jxx

Snuffley wuffley..

I've got a cold ;-( Not impressed although I am feeling better today. Felt terrible on tuesday all my joints were aching and my nose was/is blocked and I had a sore throat. Been taking the beachams powders and I think they have helped alot. Also I slept from about 6:30 til 10 last night had a shower and went back to bed again so that has done me some good.

The weekend was ok although over very quickly. Friday we had a bbq at D&P's, S went home early cos he was tired and I played pop and hop with D, P and Dm then went home. Sat we went into town, S had his hair cut then we picked D&P up and went to Liverpool. It took us ages to get there cos we had to drop Dm off at his grandmas in Forton and then the sat nav took us a stupid way all through aintree which took forever. We finally got there, the hotel looked really nice on the outside but our floor was really scratty! It was the only floor that hasn't been renovated which was why the rooms were cheaper (£60 though so not exactly cheap cheap!) The rooms were ok but not even as nice as the hotel we stayed in in Birmingham. Anyway we went to meet my sister for tea in Lloyds bar which was noisy but nice. S and I went back to see her new accomodation which is really posh and very secure which is good to know. She seems to have settled in well and gets on well with her housemates etc. Her boyfriend (!) has also just gone to Liverpool uni so he is nearish to her which is nice. I think she has pretty much got everything sussed! She always was the one with a life plan though!

Hardcore Heaven was good it was just way, way too hot in there as it was in a kind of theatre and it was packed! The music was good though they played some old tunes like Heart of Gold (classic!) plus Save me etc and the MC's were wicked, miles better than any MC at maximes or anywhere. The only bad thing was that there was nothing that I liked to drink as they only sold beer or horrible red/blue drinks and it was so hot that you had to drink something so I ended up drinking litres and litres of water so I was completely sober by the end of the night, although this meant that I felt fine in the morning! P was also not in a particularly good mood and wasn't dancing or anything which annoyed me abit. I think I would have had a better time if I'd been able to get drunk...but it was still definitely worth going to. Sun we drove home and pottered about the house. In the evening M, L, D and S came round for a little bit to see us and watched all the videos S had taken of HH (no photos though!)

Going bowling on Friday with work as theres some kind of event on so that should be a good laugh. I'm just hoping that we don't have to pay though as we are very very skint and I'm not quite sure where the moneys going to come from.....Jxx

Sing a happy happy song....

Read back through all my previous posts yesterday and realised how badly I come across! I am always sad and moaning about things! I'm not as bad as that in real life honestly! I use this to vent my feelings in a way that I can't do in every day life. However I would like to say that compared to this time last year I'm so so much happier. Although I do have crap days and I feel sad and fed up at times, my life is so much better and so much further on (if you will) than last year:

I have a gorgeous house that is in a nice location and is more than big enough and does not have damp or any other major problems. We actually own a house when I never thought it would be possible and we can decorate it as we like and no one can take it away from us. We got it for a great price and we have a very reasonable mortgage. We have no debts or credit cards, we got enough money with our mortage to pay them all off and to furnish/decorate the house more or less. We have a new reliable (fingers crossed) car which is a posh car ;-) and everyone is abit jealous of! We own it outright so we could sell it if we had to plus we got it for a great price. We have saved up the £3900 we need for our wedding already therefore we can pay for it all ourselves and we are now getting married on the date we wanted (7/7/07) at the lovely elms hotel and we are having the whole day there so it should be easy to organize (haha). I like my job, I really do! I no longer feel pressured to get a different job as I know I am valued here and I can run the business on my own (for example yesterday) I am getting another wage rise in the next few months and I just enjoy being here even on the crap days! S is now plumbing and on his way to the career he deserves. S and I get on even better (honestly!) we are totally committed to being together and we will be together for the rest of our lives. I feel like I have grown as a person even more so in the last year. I am still learning things about myself and hopefully still becoming a better/nicer more tolerant person.

Of course I still have days when I just want to moan but I just wanted to record how much better my life has become and how grateful I am! I am looking forward to the future with S especially getting married ;-) I feel as though I have "found my place" in society and I can just get on with life and moan about the little things!!! Jxx

Lonely, I'm so lonely, I have nobody for my own...

On my own today as J is poorly. I don't mind so much as I have K to talk to but it does get boring sitting in the office on my own. Can't find anything to look at online and I don't have much on so I can see this day will be going very slowly.

Had a talk with S last night as it was getting stupid with us half ignoring each other. It didn't go that brilliantly. I said how I felt about him never listening to me when I talk (I don't think I'm that boring?) and he couldn't even remember me talking to him previously that day when I was upset! Basically when I was telling him how sad I felt (at tea time) and how it seemed like he didn't care, he wasn't even listening! Of course that didn't go down too well so I was upset again. I know he does care really but he definitely does not listen to me and he does make me feel ignored and undervalued. It seems like he is always promising to be different but now they are just words and he tries for a few days and then we are back to him doing what he thinks is best regardless of what I say. I love him very much and he doesn't have many faults but just at the moment I feel really lonely and out on a limb on my own. I feel like he has all his family around him and I am just a little entity on my own and people only want me to do stuff for them or to get them things or let them stay. I guess I feel just abit used or something at the moment. I don't know why. It's probably just me being stupid but I just want to feel wanted and have other people sort everything out for a change instead of always relying on me to call people and fix things. I really just want to be cuddled! ;-(

Finally got the money of St for the stupid decking and guess how much he has given us-£220 which wasnt even close to what S had asked for especially considering the amount of hassle it caused us and put us behind on our own home. If they had listened to S and done it his way it could have been done faster and cheaper but I fail to see why we lose out because the customer is a nitpicker. I told S it was a bad idea to start with and it has not been worth it at all. AS I PREDICTED but oh no I don't know anything do I? The only good thing about it is that J&B have given us half the money when really we shouldn't see any of it as we owed them between £170-£240 but they has only taken £110 so we have a smidgen more money to go on really exciting things like...clocks and coat hooks and varnish. Mmmmm great.

It's been chucking it down all day, really grey and miserable so the shop has ben fairly quiet. I'm not complaining though sometimes it is nice to be inside when the weather is bad. Plus I'll be glad to start wearing layers of clothes again although I definitely need some new stuff for winter! I will have to go to internacional and buy some cheap jumpers soon ;-) Oh and some boots I definitely need new boots.....Nothing like shopping to cheer you up!

Still can't get excited for hardcore heaven, infact I'm feeling quite stressed. I do really want to go I guess I'm just worrying about it the way things have been this last week. We shall see....Jxx

Down ;-(

Feeling really down still. Had a proper row with S last night because he is just doing the jobs he thinks are important around the house and not doing any of the things that I would like doing or that are important to me. I've asked him to just get one room sorted at a time as I am sick of living in a dirty messy house but he won't. It feels like my opinion doesn't matter at all, he promises me everytime that he will listen to me and he does care about what I think but then he completely ignores what I've said. I know he needs to get certain things done but all I have asked him to do is to tidy/clean up and to put nails up for my pictures, fix the sky etc. Why can't he do one job he wants to do and then one job I want doing? We basically ignored each other all evening and then he thought that if he made me a cup of tea and offered to make my lunch then we would be ok. Well its not. It's not even about the things he didn't do any more its about the fact that he constantly disregards what I think. He doesn't even talk about it with me or offers to compromise he just pretends to listen and then does what he wants anyway. Every weekend he goes ahead and does things his way and doesn't consult me or ask me what I would like to do. Its like what I think doesn't matter when we are suposed to be a team and to do things together. I tell him I don't want him to do something and he says oh ok...then just carrys on! I'm sick of being ignored all the time. Why doesn't he care how I feel? Jxx

Finally!!

Note the time of this entry...yes we finally have the wireless internet working on the laptop so I no longer am restricted to only writing in work hours! Getting the internet sorted has not been easy though and BT have been about as much use as a chocolate teapot. Finally got the router working after phoning up BT again and being on the phone for another hour. This lasted until yesterday when it decided to pack up again and refuse to connect wirelessly. Phoned BT agagin last night getting myslef all worked up and stressed but they couldn't get it back on. Tried it for hours and no luck. This moring I just thought I'd try it again and it decided to work! I have no idea why but tempermental internet is no good to me so I phoned BT today to cancel/complain and we can't cancel without paying a whole years fees so it looks like we are stuck with it whether it works or not. Hmmmmm

I have been pretty pissed off lately and have been finding the last week/10 days difficult. Not only has the internet been stupid, the sky box upstairs has broken and everything seems to be just getting me down. I know 99.9% is down to PMT but it still doesn't help when you are angry or crying your eyes out! Work has been stressful again, whinging customers keeping me on the phone for ages complaining cos D hasn't got back to them or why can't we do things sooner etc etc. I need a rest all ready and its only Tuesday ;-( We've got Hardcore Heaven this weekend and I should be looking forward to it but instead I'm worrying that something is going to go wrong. I feel stressed out, ugly and fat. Oh and the spots have come out in force! I had been feeling really pleased with myself as I had been getting 30 mins exercise a day but P is back at work this week and has offered me a lift home. Part of me thinks I should say no but then S is often much longer than half an hour ie. the other night when I walked for and hour and 15 mins and was almost home. Believe me that is a long long walk especially when carrying 5 tins of gripfill! Plus I nearly got killed several times by mad drivers, got lost, had to ask gypsys for directions...He isn't even home now and its after 6 so I'd still be wondering around on westgate waiting for him to phone. Its not like there's an easy way to walk either because of where we live and I really don't fancy walking down the bypass.....On Mondays 'll walk to asda cos that makes sense but otherwise???? I need to take up 30 mins exercise a day though I really do. I felt really good when I was walking home and I don't want to give that up. Plus it helps with the weight loss.....

Weekend news: It was ok. Fri we had a BBQ at D&P's cos the weather was sunny. The usual crew turned up later on which was ok, I guess. I like some of them like N and her bf and K, but I can't be doing with CB etc. They are always inviting D&P out without us and doing stuff with them and its plain they don't like me cos they even asked S to that rave when I wasn't here! I never know what to say when they're there either, I always feel stupid and fake cos I can't really get on with them. I wish they'd stop coming really or that they would treat me like a normal person there. It feels like they're sneakily making fun of me or something and making me feel awkward/stupid which I just can't be arsed with.

Sat I went into town to meet L and I walked from Skerton cos we had hardly any petrol (the car is eating loads) so I did some more walking then! We sat in wetherspoons and had some lunch and some wine it was realy nice. Its great spending time with L just the two of us we can just talk about anything. We were there atleast 3 hours and I didn't even notice the time! Sat night D&P had gone to see A so we ended up staying in on our own just watching tv (nothing on) and listening to tunes (not many good new ones there either!) It was ok it was nice to be just S&I although I would have prefered to have done something but we are just so so skint. I don't even know how, somehow I've messed up the money and we have less than we thought....Plus we have to keep paying for little things for the house like locks for the new back door and sikkens and lamp shades.....I had loads of money saved for HH and now we have £80 which has got to get us petrol and food in Liverpool plus all our drinks....I don't know whats happened we were supposed to be better off after getting this mortgage but that doesn't seem to have happened. Its just all the little things you don't think of that add up. I hope we have almost got everything now.

Going to cook S some tea as he has just rung and should be home any minute. Jxx

Angry at everything

I'm so angry this week. I know a lot of it is down to PMT but I was really pissed off and tearful last week as well and I don't know why. I am snapping at everyone and the slightest little things are sending me over the edge and either make me want to hit something or just cry ;-(

Work has had lots of little problems like IB being off again, people being shitty and things going wrong. I am tired as I don't seem to be sleeping well this week and I feel horrible. The internet came last night and I was looking forward to using it at home but stupid BT have given us the wrong code to connect wirelessly so it wouldn't work. I spent an hour talking to some one in India who then cut me off, didn't manage to solve the problem and I missed CSI. I was so angry as it is meant to be simple and it is their mistake and nothing we can do about it so I have to phone again tonight speak to another non english person and try to get it sorted. I am sick of S's mum and dad at the moment too, I know they mean well but they just keep interfering. They cannot leave him alone for 5 minutes. No wonder he is so incapable. They keep coming round and just sitting there making a mess in my house when I am tired and I just want to be on my own in MY house. I really appreciate everything they have done for us but we didn't ask them to and we can manage on our own. Its like they're watching me waiting for me to slip up so they can rush in and rescue S and take him home where he can be a baby forever. We were arguing and his mum yelled at me (just me) and then blamed me for him falling down the stairs ( I was no where near him at the time) I wanted to say "If you weren't here we wouldn't be arguing!" The house is a permanent mess cos S never tidies up. He keeps starting new jobs and won't do the simplest things I've asked him to time and time again like sorting the bedroom out or sweeping the floor. I am sick of being ignored and having to live in a pig stye. He just does what ever he wants to do and never does the things that are important to me. I am sick of moaning at him but its just how I feel at the moment ;-(

Weekend: Was ok. Fri had a nice meal at the Duke of Rothesay. Really good value for money and quick service. Put me in a good mood for the night for a change! Went to D&P's but they were arguing (think there's something in the water) so we ended up picking L&D up and they stayed which was gud. Sat it threw it down all day and we had to go into town to hand the keys in for the old house but we missed the office being open so had to post them through the letter box (hope that was ok haven't heard otherwise-yet) Got absolutely drenched in town so didn't stay long plus we are skint. Sat night F&A called round to see the house which was ok. They didn't stay long as they were going to Asda and we were going to Preston to Club Zone as I had begged S to go. He was not in a good mood about it really and put me on a right downer before I got there but when we got there he was better. The music was ok, good in parts and crap in others! R was Mc'in so it was nice to see him and he did us some shoutouts. We only stayed til 1 ish though because S wanted to drink and of course he couldn't because we were in the car. Went home and L&D were there because we had let them stay in the house while we were out. It was ok except those 3 were smoking weed and I wasn't and I couldn't be bothered with it all and ended up going to bed. Sun, L&M came to see the house and that was good although they didn't stop long either, then S and I went into Morecambe and round the market. It was actually a really nice day-we got some bits and it was sunny and pleasant walking along the front. It's weird I always feel so much better on Sundays after sat night but I always feel crap and tired on Saturdays after Friday night! But then I always always feel rough on Monday so....I've got to cut it down to one night again for abit I know. Especially as its costing me a fortune ;-(

Other news: We are absolutely and totally skint already, the car seems to eat petrol and we speant loads at the weekend on not really anything. On a good note though I forgot to mention the other week that when I weighed myself at my mums I was 9.9 stone so I am only 2 pounds off the weight I want to be! So I am so pleased about that. Trying to keep that in sight and be careful with my eating. Also I have been walking for 30 ish minutes everyday as S finishes at 5:30 or later so I finish work at 5 I start walking and then picks me up wherever I have got to when he finishes. I am actually quite enjoying it, even in the rain and it is the best way to make sure I get some exercise cos I am so lazy!

Well this week is going so slowly. Even last week dragged and that was only 4 days. No idea what the weekend plans are. We can only get wrecked on one night and Friday is my favourite night but then we have stuff to do on sat and otherwise sat day is wasted and sat night is so so boring....Also A mentioned going to Brooks on sat so if we are doing something then I would rather be wrecked then...Plus I'm meeting L in town on saturday day for a drink so that will get me in the mood to do something....Will have to have a think. Next sat is Hardcore Heaven! Thank God ;-) I'm really looking forward to it. Jxx