We have completed!!!

Oh my God! We own a house! Just waiting for the estate agents to ring us and tell us when we can get the keys! I'm so happy its just not really sunk in yet! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! Jxx

La La I'm not listening...

STILL no news on whether we are actually completeing on Friday or not. Rang the solicitors yesterday as have not heard from them for 10 days. Couldn't speak to the charming (!) woman who is dealing with it but I left a message and she was supposed to ring me back and hasn't. Apparantly we are ok at present(!) but basically we won't know until the day if its going through or not. So we just have to sit around on tenterhooks until Friday and then ring up or something (god knows cos no ones actually told me what the procedure is) and presumably the money goes into our account and we pick the keys up from the estate agents. GOD KNOWS though cos no one will tell me anything or explain it to me properly ;-(

Other news: Fri had bbq at D&P's it was ok not as good as previous weeks. S drank way too much vodka redbull and basically went crazy and wouldn't do anything, was pushing stuff over and smashed a shelf in their kitchen. CB turned up with some random people which didn't help the situation and in the end I had to take S home in a taxi (£13) We then had to go back in the morning to get the car and so he could apologise. Sat he didn't feel well so we didn't go shopping or anything. Sat night we were bored stupid ended up going to Bentham to see L and brought her back to ours which was ok and better than nothing. Sun we went into Lancaster but half the shops were shut so I got S to take me to Preston and we went shopping there. I got most of the stuff on my list and was pretty pleased. Sunday was about the only good day really. Mon I went home from work at lunch time as I was sick 3 times and was all hot and dizzy. Slept all mon pm and evening and fortunately felt better the next day. I think theres a bug going round as its how S was on sat (although we had just thought he was hung over at the time.)

S has been doing this stupid decking for St all this week cos it has to be done by Fri (cos we are meant to be doing our house up from then and I'm sorry but that comes first) so we have to go down there every evening straight from work and its just not going to get done in time. Plus it looks like its going to throw it down tonight so they will have to do it in the rain. I told him not to do it as he wouldn't have time but he wouldn't listen. He never listens to me cos he thinks I'm saying stuff out of spite or just cos I can't be bothered and it isn't true. He under estimates the time it takes to do any job and ignores any problems thinking that it will just sort its self out which doesn't always happen. I don't even care about the money although we definitely need it. I would rather have not had the hassle and not bothered. I'm getting fed up of saying things to him for him to just ignore me everytime. I'm not stupid I'm saying things for a reason and then he always apologises afterwards but its no good. He says he will listen to me but then he does it again and again ;-( So we are all abit stressed out at the moment.

Going to Blackpool on sat night with F&A which should be good but its costing us £60 before we even have a drink! £40 for the taxi and £20 to get in (both of us) which is extortionate really especially as I would rather go to Wigan but its a night out so....

Update: Solicitors have just phoned and apparantly the other people have contacted them and they are ready to exchange! So that will be happening either tomorrow or Friday and we should still be completeing on Fri. Should being the operative word obviously...They have said they will ring us (haha) on Fri once we have completed and then we can collect the keys. Still on tenterhooks then but atleast this is good news. Can't bear to get my hopes up though in case it doesn't happen! Ahhh will be so glad when I have the keys in my hand and the money in our account! Jxx

Boredom, and The Friday Night Project

I'm so so bored at the moment. Work has been quiet because the weather has been seriously hot (30 degrees+) so not only have I been melting in this office there has been hardly anything to do and all the usual stuff I look at on the net seems to be boring me as well ;-( I think I'm just so tired of being in limbo with the house its putting my life on hold. Still no idea if it will all go through ("it's not legal until the day you complete" yada yada) Don't even know if we will complete next Fri, no one has bothered to get back to me. I supose no news is good news but I will kill somebody if it does not go ahead next week. I mean it. I need some time off I've not had a holiday since Xmas and I just can't take much more of this. The weather has been so sunny I want to be off and I want to be lying in my new garden/back yard. There is no point being off without the new house so the further back that is put the further back my holiday and my back garden goes. I feel really restless I need to get on with it now. I am begging, anyone, please let it all go through ok on the 28th (or sooner but I think that would be asking for a miracle)

On the subject of the wedding I have given up with the Williamson Park idea as it's was going to cost over £600 and they weren't ringing me back to sort it out. We've now made a booking at the registry office which I know my parents are going to love (not) but I don't care. I'm sick of all this wedding stuff already, I'm sick of the fuss and the organizing. I just want to marry S and have a nice day! It's our day and we're paying so we will do what we want! The only thing is it can only hold 40 so I've had to be very strict with who can come to that, but extra people can come to the evening do and I'm sorry if relatives don't like it but to be honest its kind of a relief and I'm sure most people don't really care about other peoles wedding anyway! Got to go and see the Elms about the reception hopefully when/if we are off for the house. Fingers crossed (again.)

Nothing else to report, have been sticking firmly to the diet (I know its only a few days in but hey I am controlling my hunger!) and am determined to become thin(ner) S is doing ok as well although I do have to nag at him abit which I don't like but its for his own benefit. Friday tomorrow thank goodness another week over with. D&P's for a bbq as long as the weather holds which I am looking forward to. I have christened our usual Fridays The Friday Night Project! I'm sad really! Not sure what else we are doing at the weekend really want to do something nice with S but probably can't because of the house, still this should be the last weekend before we have the keys (....you know the one!). Also meant to be seeing L sometime but not sure if/when. Got Blackpool next week with F&A which should be good (I hope the amount its costing.) L isn't coming (again) as she has her nans party or something. I'm begining to wonder if she will actually make it out with me at all. She has said she is coming when I go out with E but I'm not expecting it. I'm not bothered actually I'm going to have a fab time with my sister regardless ;-) And nothings going to stop me! S is doing this decking for St at the farm which he somehow thought he could squeeze in in 4 evenings which he obviously can't so we are probably going to have to go and start that on Sun still the money and practice will be useful for when we do ours! Off to eat my avocardo now...Jxx

Still pretty fed up ;-(

Not feeling much better today despite the gorgeous weather and fairly relaxing weekend. Had a bbq at D&P's on Fri night and it was great. I'm so glad they're back ;-) Sat we went home had a brief sleep and then got ready to go to Wales. It was lovely to see Auntie J as its been years since I've seen her and she's so sweet and funny. She's one of my favourite relations. We had a delicious bbq when we got to Wales and sat in the garden all afternoon talking before going to watch E's dancing show at night which was very good although it was far too hot in the theatre.

I forgot how good my sister actually is as I don't see her dance very often now. But she is REALLY good and (I hate to say it) she looks just like a dancer. I know she is still abit too thin really but if you forget that she wasn't always that thin then she just looks like a dancer should. I have to say this is the first time I have felt envious of her thinness. I mean I would never envy what she has been through but she can just wear anything and look great and her legs are so slim, plus she is really brown from her holiday which I am not! She showed me all her holiday photos and she looked great she seems to have got used to how she is now and has got her "sparkle" back. I just feel like abit of a blob again, the only thing I quite like about me is my chest (ironic really cos it was the one thing I never had much of!) but anyone can get that with a good bra and there's no way to hide a fat stomach or legs. I am going to diet seriously now, I mean more than I did before I don't want to be like this and if E can become thin then why can't I? I'm going to just have to ignore being hungry and cut my calories as much as possible, oh and do some exercise! Thats always been my problem I'm too lazy but thats going to have to change!

Pretty pissed of with everything else, F rang me in tears last night cos she'd been to a Christening and it had brought back memories for her. I do feel sorry for her as she doesn't feel she made the right decision and is now regretting it. It is hard to know what to say really as it is a horrible thing to go through. I just kind of feel everyone is obsessed with babies and weddings at the moment cos now F really wants one as thats all she thinks about and I think she feels it would fill the gap somewhat. Plus L is now planning her wedding at Williamson Park like us (!) so she wants to talk about that. Its like they both think that its dead easy to have a baby and have this fabulous wedding with no idea of how much either of them cost and how much you have to save first. Its just a big fairy tale to them and they can have whatever they want. I sound really bitter don't I? I just know we are having to scrimp and save and we can't have a big fabulous wedding but they seem to think they both can and we have already saved nealy £3000 towards it! I know I don't want a baby yet, I want to be thin and to buy clothes and to go out and get wrecked for another year at first. Once you have a baby you can't go back and I need to be 110% sure I can give all this up. I just feel like I have to listen to everyone elses problems but I have to keep my stresses and worries to my self. Jxx

Angry and Sad

We aren't completing on the 21st now, we might be completeing on the 28th but as we havn't exchanged contracts and we won't be until we complete so nothing is legal and everything could fall through. Its all down to the people whose house our people are buying. Even though the house is empty as they have gone into a home the sellers can't empty the house until the 28th BECAUSE THEY CAN'T BE BOTHERED. So we have to all wait because of them. The 28th is the absolute latest we can complete or else it will be August.

It has already screwed up all my plans and my money workings out. Here is a list of all the things it has messed up: We have to tax the car as we won't be able to buy a new one in time, we have to hand our notice in on the day we "might" complete and we won't know for certain, I can't order the beds until we have the money so they probably won't come in the time we are off, we've had to re-arrange our holidays again, when my sister comes we will still be in Perth Street and she will have no where to sleep cos there will be no beds (see above) and the house will be full of boxes, I won't be able to help S decorate that weekend cos she will be staying and we have things planned, I am having a manicure done on our pamper day and then I will have to spend the next week painting and cleaning. I am SO cross, everything the solicitors and the estate agents have told us has been half truths or blags just to get us off their backs. If I hadn't rung up today I wouldn't even know about the date change. We probably won't even get this house now. Marvelous. Jxx

Maybe possibly, do we have a date????

Well after telephone calls to our solicitors and their solicitors, finally a nice (!) lady phoned me back to say that Complete Move have the paperwork ready (only 2 weeks after ours was ready) and they want to know when we would like to complete! I said ASAP! It apparantly takes 5 days to request the mortgage money so they are suposed to be doing that straight away and she was going to go back to Complete Move with a date of Friday the 21st (week tomorrow) She is suposed to be rining me back to let me know if this is acceptable so fingers crossed it will be! So maybe maybe we will complete next fri pm and then have 2 whole weeks off to do the house up and get everything sorted (haha) But nothing seems to be straight forward with this house lark so we will see!

No other news, this week. Its been a pretty rubbish week to be honest although I know alot of it is down to PMT. See I can see so clearly now how much of a worse mood I am in when I have PMT! I am stressed, short tempered and I worry over things I have no control over! It honestly seems to be getting worse not better! Pretty bored at work as theres not much to do. I cannot wait to have some time off, even if we are decorating and stuff and it will probably be stressful! We've got so much to do on the house it is abit overwhelming but I'm sure we'll be ok once we get started. I just hope we don't get any surprises that we haven't budgeted for...I want to get on and get everything done as quickly as possible so I'm not living in a pig stye. I know S loves decorating and doing DIY but I start enthusiastically and get fed up pretty quickly! We shall see...We really need to know if we will be completing next week as we need to go and order the beds and the cooker and stuff so we are there when they are delivered! Ahhh its so exciting ;-)

Meant to be going to D&P's on Fri for a bbq but don't know whats happening with that now as apparantly they are going to London on Sat to pick D up as he is going to be living with then (!) from now on! I don't know how long that will last as thats going to change their lifestyle abit (especially having to buy food/give money to another person, plus they can hardly get wrecked with him there!) God knows. We are off to Wales on Sat so we can't do much anyway but I'm just glad they're back and thought we could do the usual? Mind you P has been without for a few weeks due to the problems we've been having so maybe I can persudae her to indulge...**evil chuckle** I'm so glad its Friday tomorrow anyway! Jxx

Frustrated

I am seriously frustrated today. There is still no progress on the house as we are still waiting for complete move to get the signed paperwork back to our solicitors. I am so sick of waiting, why is it taking so long? Why can't they give us a date? We were suposed to be off next week to start on the house but we are clearly not going to have the keys then, so now we will have to wait until august to have the time off as B is away at the begining of Aug and we can't all be off at the same time. We can't order anything or pay anything off because we don't have a date-why can't they just give us a flaming date?????!

Work is crap, all the customers are being awkward or moaning about their bills, half the staff take the piss and have loads of time off or come in hungover and do no work and still get paid. I just want to run out screaming.

Weekend was ok. P's friend C came through for us with some drugs for a change so we are sorted for the next few weeks ;-) Organized by P from another continent!! Fri we still did nothing as planned. Sat S worked and M&D came down which was really nice as its been 2 months since I've seen them. We drove to look at the house (still sold! haha) then when S had finished work we went for lunch at the White Cross which was tasty. They had to leave pretty soon after that as they had to get back to go to a concert so S and I had some drinks at home and ended up going to M's for the evening as we were bored at home doing nothing. Spent the night there which was a good laugh and better than just sitting at home. Sun weather was grey and horrible so we stayed at home all day and did nothing. I hate grey rainy sundays they are so depressing. Probably why I am in a great mood this week-not.

I always feel worse on a Tuesday: stupid shopping to do tonight. My fringe is still too short and looks stupid, I've got spots that hurt and I can't get rid of, I look a mess and I just can't be arsed. I'm sick of working I want some time off. I am sick of having to watch what I eat cos I'm getting fat again too. What a crap day. We are skint again as we are going to Wales at the weekend to watch E's dancing show so we need petrol for that and we had a stupid chinese on sun cos S wanted it and it was horrible and a waste of £10 we didn't have ;-( AHHHHH. Jxx

Addictions

Been thinking about myself quite abit really, about what makes me happy and what stresses me out in order to understand myself better. I've come to realise I've got quite an addictive/obsessive personality. I find I like something and then I become obsessed with it and need to do it/have it in order to have a good time. I can't run out of something (ie make up etc) I have to buy a replacement before it runs out often way in advance even if it's something completely trivial. If we are going somewhere/doing something I need to know exactly whats happening and that all eventualities are covered. I make lists so I don't forget things even though I often have this list memorised. I worry about things that are way in the future and that I can't control even if I tried. If I don't have things in my life organized and planned to the smallest detail I panic and feel stressed. I need to feel in control at all times and when I'm not I get angry and irritable.

I am always looking for something better and never seem satisfied with what I have. When I was 15 I was obsessed with drinking-where were we going to get alcohol from, would we get it ok, where were we going to drink it etc. I'd look forward to it all week but worry about it too and if we couldn't get any the others wouldn't be bothered but I would feel down and dissapointed. Then it moved on to going out-I would plan my nights in merticulous detail up to a week in advance-and be completely excited about them, what I would wear, where we would go. If people let me down or wanted to stay in and I couldn't go out I would be angry and stressed. The worst was when I was at uni and I felt compelled to go out every night. If it got to 9pm and there was no sign that we were going out I would be so short tempered and frustrated. I expected people to know that I wanted to go out and if we didn't I would be climbing the walls at home almost in a panic. Now I would never go out on a weekday it doesn't even enter my head but I supose I had far more time then as I wasn't working full time plus I was really unhappy so it was a distraction for me.

Now I understand myself much better and I'm trying to cut down/control my addictions but I still find it difficult. I know I am pyschologically addicted to getting wrecked although I have cut it down so much compared to how it used to be. I still feel it controls me though. If I know we are not doing anything at the weekend then I feel down all week and I'm snappy and short tempered. If I choose not to do anything then I feel ok, almost moral about it as I have made the decision myself (last Fri for example) I guess its about control, if I have the control then I can say no and I am ok with that, if the control is taken away and I am dependent on others to make the decision for me then I am unhappy. Most people don't understand this especially not my family or S they just don't think in that way. I also tried to explain it to F once and it horrified her. The only person who kind of understands is P as I can see in her the way I behave sometimes. I wish I didn't have to be this way but atleast now I see that I am and I can pre-empt it better.

I know that one day soon I will have to give up getting wrecked for at least a year or 2 while I have children. I will not have a choice in this matter (Obviously) so I will HAVE to do it. That is one of the reasons why I want to get it all out of my system now so there is no doubt that I am ready to stop completely. The trouble is I'm not being able to get it out of my system because I can't do anything! I said to S the othe night that I would give up getting wrecked every weekend in return for one weekend a month that we did something good (ie went to Pier/Preston etc) So then as long as I can get wrecked on that one night then I won't need to stress about the rest. Thats the theory anyway, to make the other weekends seem like week nights (ie not acustomed to doing anything therefore it doesn't feel like I'm missing out) The only trouble is already I'm begining to feel like it will be just one long long week-almost 4 weeks long of doing nothing and going to bed early for the sake of one night out, and that I may die of boredom. What else am I suposed to do at the weekend? What do other people do? They go to the pub or they sit at home and get drunk so why am I suposed to do nothing and go to bed early? At least I'm not feeling ill anymore (touch wood) I wish I could enjoy other things but I just don't. Thats why I think people have children sometimes, to give you a new focus and something to fill your time with! If I do nothing all weekend then I feel so down by Monday, like there wasn't any point having the time off as I've done nothing with it.

We aren't going to be able to do anything this weekend. D&P are in Mexico, S has to work tomorrow morning but my mum and dad are coming down tomorrow for the day which will be nice. Sat night and sun are completely empty though and we don't have anything or anyone to do something with. This is when I question things so much. Why am I not satisfied? Why do I feel so stressed and angry that I won't be doing anything? I don't know. I just feel I am wishing every rubbish day away, hoping that the next one will be better and in doing so I am wasting my life. I try to change but I always come back to the same thoughts and feelings. No one else understands how I feel and I don't expect them to, it has been nice to let it all out though. Maybe in a few momre years I will understand myself even better?

On further reflection it seems like a catch 22 situation though, because when I look back on last sat when we went into town and got wrecked (sort of) was that any better than doing nothing? It was hardly a great night! I was really looking forward to it but S and I argued before we went cos we were drunk and when I actually got out it just wasn't that good. We spent loads of money (we have no money this week because of it) so was it worth it? Not really. So even when I get to do what I want at the weekend with no problems I don't even know if its that good! Ahh why am I so unsatisfied? I don't want to be like this, I want to be happy! Maybe I just blame it on not being able to get wrecked but really I am just unhappy with life? I don't feel that I am. I'm very lucky-I love S, I love my family and his family and my friends, we have good jobs, money, a house (hopefully!) we have the future in front of us. GODDAMIT whats wrong with me?!! Jxx

PS. Only news: Went for a meal for L's birthday on Weds it was actually really good and we got on better with her Bentham friends and had a good laugh. Also have provisionally booked the Ashton memorial for the 28th July 2007 (the best date we could get) so maybe I will get things moving for this wedding....Rang the solicitors yesterday as still no news. We are waiting for the other peoples solicitors to get their papers in order and then we can exchange/get a date for completion, or so I am told. Probably another months wait then????

Feeling hot hot hot

The weathers finally gone hot! It was boiling yesterday - 30 degrees in the office! It was unpleasant really but I supose we shouldn't complain. It's not so bad today still warm but not as hot. It's not even that sunny!

Weekend was ok, Fri had a bbq at D&P's and watched BB then went home. Sat we got up early (!) because we had gone to bed at a reasonable time and hadn't drunk or anything. S got his hair cut and we went to get a new bulb for the car then went into town. We wandered round town and bought a CSI game in HMV but that was it. Had a drink in the lounge but we ended up going home cos the football was on and everywhere was too busy. Sat at home playing the CSI game and had some drinks then we went into town that night. We ended up meeting St which was nice and went round with him and his friends for a bit then S dragged me to liquid cos he'd seen some of his old friends and thats where they were going. Well it was crap as always and I wasn't even drinking by this point cos I couldn't be bothered and we were really skint. S was pretty pissed tho. Then he decided he wanted to go home so he got a takeaway and we walked home and went to bed. To be honest it wasn't that good a night and it cost us a fortune although it was nice to see St.

Lancaster is just so rubbish ;-( I wanted to go to Brooks as it has re-opened but S didn't want to go, there just isn't anywhere to go for a good night out-I'm begining to think its a total myth. I keep trying thinking it will be good and everytime its just a waste of money, time and effort. I'm getting pretty depressed with it all now. We can never get any thing sorted, people always let us down and I'm bored every week evening I don't see why I have to be bored at the weekends too! If you don't do anything in the evening then what do are you suposed to do? Just sit in the house watching crap tv and then go to bed??? What do other people do? I'm getting really really sick of this life. Why can't we ever got hold of anything or go anywhere? Ch was supposed to be sorting stuff out for us but whenever we ring him his phone goes to answerphone so he is clearly being dodgy. D&P are in Mexico so they can't do anything and I can't even let them know. I feel stressed out and sad, I am going mad being bored all the time and having to sit inside in that stupid house with no garden and watch the hours go by. I am wasting my life! I just don't know what I can do about it.

In a pretty shit mood now. Still no news on the house. When we went past it in Fri there was a sold sign on it so apparantly its sold. Funny how no one remembered to tell us that it has gone through. I don't even know if we've exchanged contracts. Crap solicitors, crap estate agents, crap system. I just can't be arsed anymore, whats the point. Jxx