You were the sunlight in my eyes,
With you it always seemed so right,
You were the moon and stars, my everything
I ever wanted and more.
I could never understand why
You had to push my love aside,
Maybe I gave too much?
Of my love?
Can't you see you turn me on?
How can I hold back?
Holding back - I can't do that
For myself I will be strong
I thought you were the one
I was wrong
This love is so strong
Another week gone by and not much news really. Still waiting on the house, the mortgage has been accepted and the survey is ok so we're just waiting for the solicitors to do the contracts etc. Fingers crossed we will definitely get it, we've planned everything that we want to do it to and we want it more everyday so we will be gutted if it falls through at this stage. Plus we have spent all our savings on fees and stuff so I don't know what we'll do if it falls through ;-( I guess we just have to wait and keep hoping.
Other news: work was crap last week the slowest week for a long time. I don't know why its just been really quiet and I've been feeling bored again. I'm hoping things will pick up and it will be abit busier soon. Atleast its only a 4 day week this week so hopefully it will go quickly. I still haven't applied for that job for the council at preston, part of me thinks I should but the other half thinks whats the point cos I'd have to get to Preston everyday and its only a years definite contract anyway so what if I had to leave after a year, especially now we might have a mortgage to pay....Weather has still not improved much although atleast it isn't raining today. I can't believe its nearly June it really should be warmer/sunnier than this! S reckons he's going to have a heat wave for his birthday on sat so we shall see!
Weekend news: we went to D&P's for tea again Fri night and watched a film which was good a usual friday really. Sat we went into town about 4ish and met D&P and went shopping as I wanted some green shoes which I eventually found thanks to P! Me and P also saw the most perfect wedding dress in Monsoon but they didn't have it in my size so we ended up going to Kendal yesterday to get one in my size! Its perfect and I love it although we had to put it on the credit card as we have spent all the wedding fund on the mortgage etc but there was only one left and I really felt it was "the one". Its so weird it makes it all seem real suddenly! P has been great she has been really helping me with the wedding plans and getting me excited which is what I need. We had lunch in Kendal with D&P and had a really good day, shopping and having a laugh. We are getting on so well with them at the moment its great I feel really happy when we are with them. Sun we didn't do much but L&M called round as they were going to asda so that was nice. They are such a sweet couple and I love L she is just the kind of friend I have been wanting for years! We get on so well. I just wish they could live a smidgen nearer but you can't have everything! Last night F&A came round and it was ok actually, F was more like her old self and we had a big chat. They are apparantly getting married in 2008 and I am pleased for them I just hope we can learn to all get on together better by then. I felt guilty cos she was going on about having me for a bridesmaid and I'm not having her but I thought I might get her to do a reading or something? The thing is we haven't been getting on that well for months so I'm not going to go back on myself now and besides its all over a year a way so everything might have changed again by then! I can't afford to have 10 million bridesmaids otherwise I'd have L cos she is a really good friend now but we can't afford it. Also if I did have them then M and A would be on their own so I'm having E, P, S&C (and thats only cos I promised)
We're going for a meal on Thurs for S's birthday to the Fleece which should be nice. I've not got him anything really exciting for his birthday he's just chosen a load of tools, boring but thats what he wants! Then we are going into Lancaster for some drinks with D&P, L, F&A and supposedly St although I don't know if he will cos he always seems to change his mind last minute. I have no idea where we will go as that new place Cuba (Brooks) plays indie on a sat so no way am I going there and we aren't going to liquid so I think we're pretty stuck. Why does Lancaster have to be such a crap night out??? We will see I guess.
On a random note I have dyed my hair red! My roots needed doing and I felt like a change! I've also cut myself a fringe so I look really different now, its ok its taken abit of getting used to though. I'm going to the hairdressers on sat morning to have a few highlights put through it and it neatened up but I'm having it done at S (P's friends) salon. The only thing is I really don't think she likes me and I'm kind of worried she might cut it all off or something! Ahhh I will kill her if she does! She does a good job on P's hair though so I'm hoping she will on me...Jxx
Am pretty down at the moment. The weathers crap its been raining for the past week and guess what its going to rain all this week too and all over the bank holiday. Its nearly June for gods sake instead its freezing cold and thowing it down every day.
No news on the house, I know its only been 2 weeks but I hate not knowing whats going on. If the people think we are wasting time/not serious then they will give it to the other people who were interested. We want that house so much it is perfect and we can't help but plan what we are going to do with it. I know we aren't suposed to get our hopes but but its so hard. You never see all this on the tv they just put an offer in and they get it straight away. I know it can all fall through cos it happened to D&P. Also the houses over the road have just come up for sale and they're up for 14k more! Although they have been completely renovated but its still worrying the people selling ours could think thay they could get more for it and take it off or something. Although they do want a quick sale so maybe they won't? I don't know I wish I knew what was going on. We've not heard anything. I've left a message for Michael (financial advisor) but he's not go back to me yet ;-(
No other news really. I can't drink (even just abit) it makes me ill, I can't get wrecked it makes me ill, Lancaster is crap and not even worth going to for a night out anyway. Got no money so we can't go anywhere anyway. The weathers horrible so we can't do anything free like go for a walk or go anywhere. All we can do is sit in the house in the rain and watch tv. I don't know what to do with my life, we are just sat around on tenterhooks waiting. The weekends are pointless we are either hung over and feel ill or if we don't do anything at night then what are we suposed to do in the day? Everything is so expensive. There must be more to life than this its so depressing.
Went and saw L on sat at her house which was nice, she lent us loads of CSI dvds to watch which kept us entertained on sunday. She's lovely is such a pity she lives pretty far away. We are suposed to be going out for S's birthday (2 weeks) into town with St and his friends and any one else we can get out. I supose it will be ok but I've no idea where we can go and I don't even know if S and I will even be able to get on with each other! Plus I'll have to do something because I can't go out and not drink or I really will kill myself as you have to be drunk to even entertain the idea of clubbing in Lancaster! Part of me does want to go because I miss dressing up and having a good time with my S/my friends and I do really want S to have a good b'day even though he doesn't even care if we do anything! But it never seems to work out how I want it to any more ;-(
I don't know I just can't seem find anything to smile about today...Jxx
As you can see from the picture we went to Godskitchen! And it was good, it was worth going although quite a long trip and I felt terrible yesterday and Sunday. The hotel was ok and the location was perfect just down the road from gods. We got there about 3 ish and checked in, then we went shopping in Birmingham in this massive shopping centre called the bull ring. It was really busy and quite stressful but P needed something to wear so we looked around and I also managed to get a new top and a bag too. We had tea, got drunk in the hotel room and then went out! K90 was really good I can see why P likes him and the hardcore room was good too.
The only downside was that S was a complete pain, he was grumpy and sulky, he didn't want to go shopping, he wasn't nice to any body and he didn't even have a good time at gods. I've given up trying to go on nights out with him its just pointless. He doesn't like any type of music, he doesn't even like getting wrecked. D&P were in a great mood and S just brought me down. I just wanted to have a good time with him but if its not wood or tools theres no point even trying.
Feeling pretty fed up and down this week (PMT) we've had to cancel our holiday to hastings as well as we are using all our savings for the mortgage and solicitors fees. Its S's birthday in a few weeks and god knows what I can get him or what we can do cos we are completely skint. Part of me so wants this house to come through for us cos then we can spend our time doing it up and buying nice things for it and then I won't be bored any more. I can see now there's no point in even trying to go out anywhere or have a day shopping and getting drunk cos S isn't interested and it always turns out wrong and we annoy each other. I always thought my favourite way to spend a day is to go shopping have a nice meal and then go out but S doesn't enjoy any of that and I can't enjoy it with him. So I guess we need to find new stuff we can do together. But then part of me doesn't know how I'm going to manage never going out again. I supose we can just have parties and stuff like at D&P's which is honestly better and we do normally seem to have a good time like that. There's no where worth going to around here anyway to be honest. Would you believe it I'm really put off getting wrecked too now. I felt so terrible sun, mon and yesterday so its not something I want to be doing too often anyway. Jxx
I AM: a complicated person
I WANT: to sit in the sunshine
I WISH: that we had our house already
I HATE: rude customers, feeling ugly, being unhappy
I MISS: spending time with my sister
I FEAR: not making my parents proud of me, and losing the house we want so much
I HEAR: plumbers shouting outside and the radio in the shop
I WONDER: where I'm going to find money from for this weekend
I REGRET: being too short tempered and moaning at Ste
I AM NOT: a patient person
I DANCE: as much as I can
I SING: whenever I hear music
I CRY: too much and sometimes for nothing
I AM NOT ALWAYS: very nice
I WRITE: whenever I have time
I CONFUSE: Steven
I NEED: to try and chill out
I SHOULD: be nicer and not stress as much
I START: relaxing at 5pm on a Friday
I FINISH: work then. Wahoo!
I BELIEVE: that everything happens for a reason
I KNOW: everything will turn out okay
I CAN: go to bed early tonight
I CAN’T: wait for Saturday night
I SEE: the sunshining outside
I BLOG: because I like a record of how I feel
I READ: not enough
IT PISSES ME OFF: when people are rude and friends let you down
I FIND: that I am becoming a nicer person as I get older
I LIKE: having fun, music, sunny days
I LOVE: Steven, my friends, my family, being happy, when everything falls into place...Jxx
10 years ago I was 12, just finishing my 1st year at high school, got on well with every one and my class 7S won the eisteddfod and were know as the best class in the year. Year 8 our class became the worst class, all the girls fell out and became two sides (us vs Nicola P and co) this continued until year 11 more or less. Year 9 I started going drinking with Leah and Eve down at the Leisure centre and becoming interested in dance music and lads! At the end of year 9 we were put into sets for subjects for next year and this is where I first started to fancy Matthew. Year 10 we ended up in the same science, maths and history classes and we began to flirt. My so called best friend Katie decided she fancied him so trying to be nice I started to set them up but she hesitated and I ended up with him myself! We went out for about 6 months and then broke up due to it being too much hassle and us not really thinking we were that bothered about each other. A few months later he rang me and we decided to give it another go. We were together all through year 10 and all summer when me and my friends organized Hayleys leaving party in Shotton Cons club. From then on we were pretty serious despite parental objections, me and my friends almost getting expelled for being drunk on the sponsored walk and problems with friends on both sides! Year 11 was a good year my class finally got on again and I had loads of friends and did well in my GCSE's.
Year 12 I dyed my hair blonde! Things began to come unstuck for Matthew and I despite everyone thinking we would end up getting married. He was working full time at Corus and I was at sixth form and working at the weekends so we couldn't see eachother much. I was still hanging around with school people and he was part of the world of work. Also he could get into nightclubs and I couldn't so he would go to the Tiv without me and I'd go to the Albion with Leah. We argued all the time and kept breaking up and getting back together. I ended up becoming involved with other people I worked with and he ended up seeing other people. We were jealous of each other being with other people but we couldn't be nice to each other or work things out. I was possesive and clingy and he was angry and cold. We made each other so stressed-he failed his first year exams and blamed me especially as I passed my AS levels We had a huge argument at Eve's bbq when he shut a door on my head and pushed me over. He denied it but Leah and Eddie saw him and Eddie punched .him. The police took me home and my dad banned me from having anything to do with him and we broke up for good.
I started seeing Dom who I worked with as he had started texting me and we got on really well. Over the next year we spent all our time together and I loved him and his family to bits. I turned 18 and started going out properly including a trip to Gatecrasher for my 18th on a bus of 30 people which I organized! I passed my A levels and got accepted to go to Lancaster Uni. I didn't really want to go but had no idea what else I would do and wanted to keep my family happy. Plus I really wanted to leave home as I had been unhappy for the last 2/3 years mainly due to me being a complete pain/ungrateful/selfish to my family. But I didn't want to go on my own so much to the disaproval of the parents Dom decided to move with me (despite the fact that we hadn't even been together a year) He had had an awful motorbike accident just a few months before which had made me realise how much I cared about him and didn't want to be without him. We went through all the hassle of renting a house and upsetting my family (it was horrible) he had to find a job and we had to buy all the things we needed. We moved in September 2002. At first it worked ok, he didn't mind his job and we got on fine living together. I hated uni and was very unhappy and would definitely have left if he hadn't been there for me. I finished my first year and did well and we were happy. Then in Sept 2003 things changed, I enjoyed living in Lancaster as I had made some good friends and he didn't, he was depressed, drinking every evening and missed his family and friends so we argued all the time. I was paranoid and worried as he couldn't leave his ex alone (partly due to them having a son together and partly just due to him) He constantly lied to me about her and we never sorted anything out. I was bored and hated my life and started going out all the time with Fiona and Jenny just to escape. By this time we weren't really comunicating at all and we were both trapped and didn't know what to do. I ended up meeting Chris and what started as him being a friend and looking out for me developed into a relationship. He finished with his girlfriend, and Dom and I reached breaking point and we decided it would be best if he went home. He went back to Chester and I stayed in Lancaster living in the house alone, I passed my second year exams (just) and decided to stay on and complete my degree. Lorraine who was suposed to be a friend of mine decided it would be a good idea to tell Dom about Chris and so it all went off and he hated me (understandably I guess) He did ask me to get back with him and although I was upset and still cared about him I knew it wouldn't work so I didn't.
I was sort of seeing Chris now but more as a friend, when I went on a nightout with Fiona and Jenny and was introduced to Steven who Jenny knew. A few weeks later Jenny started seeing his best friend Dean and invited me out with them for a drive. We got on really well and had so much in common that that night when he drove me to Chris's I almost asked him not to. We ended up texting and arranging to meet the next evening which we did and we ended up being inseperable ever since! We had a great first summer until I stupidly made the mistake of getting drunk and kissing his friend. Jenny and Dean found out and fell out with me, fortunatley Steven forgave me as it was a one off and we have been stronger ever since. I struggled through my last year of uni 2004/2005 whilst sufferering from depression and revised as hard as I could for my exams and was rewarded with my 2:1!!
Ste and I have been together just over 2 years now and although we do argue at times we always talk things through and sort things out together. I love him to bits! We make a great team because he is practical and good at making anything and I'm the thinker! He makes me happy and cares for me more than any one else ever has. His family are the nicest I've ever met and I love them to bits. His brother and his wife are our best friends and we spend loads of time with them going places and having bbq's. His family (esp his mum) have completely accepted me and looked after me especially when I was suffering from depression. I started working full time in my present job when I finished my degree and although I didn't enjoy it so much at first I've come to love it. Ste works here too now and is starting training to be a plumber in September. I went on a diet in Sept 2005 and have lost over half a stone which I'm really pleased about. I also get on with my family so much better now as I've learned to appreciate them and to be a nicer person (mainly because of being with Steven) Being with him has taught me to be less selfish and to want to spend time with family and to be more patient with them. I am no longer clingy or paranoid as I know I could manage on my own if I had to. Ste and I make a great partnership and I trust him completely. We are getting married next Summer and we have put an offer in for a house yesterday which has been accepted so fingers crossed we will be moving soon!
I feel like I've come so far in ten years and I actually like myself now and I'm proud of who I've become ;-) Jxx
Well its been a while I know. I've just been feeling pretty crap/under the weather the past few weeks and have just not felt like writing and to be honset I've not had much to say as I've been in bed most of the time. This week I've been dead busy at work too cos its the start of a new month and I'm always really busy at the begining and the end (and not so busy in the middle) so I've not had much time either!
Anyway I'm feeling much better now (touch wood), just getting over a cold/cough which came on after the stomach problems. My stomach has been abit better, I'm eating the probiotic yogs and trying to eat more slowly etc. S has been poorly for the last 2 weeks or so, he had the flue, then another cold and then infected mouth ulcers (horrible) but he's finally getting better now. He's been a big moan though while he's not been well but then I've been grumpy too so I guess you can't help it. I do feel alot better though. My stomach seems to have calmed down, although its still too fat ;-( So I'm trying to be more careful with the diet again....
We've not been up to much becuase of the way we've been feeling but heres the news anyway: Fri night we went to D&P's for a bbq. We weren't meant to be staying but of course we did and yes we did get wrecked but (here's my excuse) only cos P invited D's workmate and his girlfriend round and they were all getting wrecked so we had a mini party! It was really good, I was abit apprehensive about meeting them but they were absolutely lovely, so we had a nice bbq and then all sat in the garden round the fire talking for hours. Plus D popped in and I haven't seen him for ages so it was good to see him too. Sat S felt ill so we did nothing, Sun we both felt ill but we went to The Mill for lunch with JL and his friend. It was ok, I didn't have one drink though and the food wasn't great considering how lovely their evening food is so I was abit disappointed. Mon I had a great day, I went to meet L in town and we had a meal in Wetherspoons and several glasses of wine, then I went back to see her house (which is really nice) It was so nice to have a girly day and a proper chat, she's really lovely. S was in a grump cos he was ill but I need girl friends and I want to spend time with them, good friends are hard to find for gods sake!
Other news: We have booked a kind of holiday! We're going camping in Hastings for a weekend in July cos we're going to Hardcore Til I Die there so that will be brilliant and hopefully the weather will be nice! All the dj's I wanted to see last time are on and its on the pier, how cool! I've reserved tickets so we can definitely go this time, just got to save up. We're also going to Birmingham next weekend to Godskitchen for a mini HTID and K90 (we're definitely going this time!) We're staying in a hotel too which will be a change-I'm really excited its years since I've been to a hotel! D&P are driving down and we're going abit early so we can explore Birmingham and get drunk! Like a proper weekend for once! We can't really afford it but D&P are paying us back what they owe us and we'll manage somehow. Only thing is we are missing S's cousins 40th party but we couldn't really help it as this was planned (albeit tentatively) for a month.
Also we've finally bitten the bullet and have started looking properly at houses/flats. We've found a couple that we like but none of them are perfect and all need quite abit of work. We put an offer in on a flat yesterday (mad I know!)but it was rejected for being too low but we don't think its worth any more so we will see if they come back to us if no one else wants to pay the full asking price. I was really gutted yesterday but I know it won't be that easy and it will take time. It is going to be difficult to find the ideal place with our budget but we just got to keep looking and we're going to see 3 houses next week so we'll see.... I'm really excited about getting a house I can't wait to decorate it and buy stuff for it. Hopefully we'll be able to borrow abit extra to do it up and get a new car...We're seeing a financial advisor tonight (D&P have recomended him) so fingers crossed we can find out what we can definitely have...I just hope we won't be disappointed.
Going to Wales this weekend to see the family before the exams start. It will be nice and hopefully relaxing. Fingers crossed the weather stays nice cos its been lovely and sunny the past 2 days! Going for a drink with E on sat night but nothing major as we haven't got the funds! Plus I am really cutting down on getting wrecked-honestly! I know I said I would give up completely but it can be so boring all the time otherwise. So I'm just not doing it every weekend and certainly not on both nights, if we are going somewhere special (ie Godskitchen) or if we are going to a party then I will. But if we are just staying in then I won't bother. This way I don't expect to do it every Fri and Sat, it won't be "routine" any more, and hopefully this way I'll feel better and won't be ill/asleep all the time! We shall see though...Jxx
