Angry

I'm in an angry mood today for several reasons:

1) Went to the docs last night and basically I've just got poor digestion and there's nothing I can do except what I'm already doing.
2) F&A just turned up last night without warning, were loud and insensitive and took 3 cd's that I didn't want to lend them which they are probably going to take on holiday with them and lose/damage. They are wigan pier cd's that I can't get again so if they do anything to them I'll be so cross. I don't want them coming round any more. I don't even think I want to be friends with them any more. F is totally different when she's with A and I'm tired of being nice about it. I don't mind meeting them somewhere but I don't want them turning up in my house not any more.

I'm just really pissed off and annoyed with everything I can't stop thinking about stuff and getting more and more cross. I can't right any more. Jxx

Blue or Red

You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes...................

Rainy Tuesday

Another Tuesday and its raining again. It seems to rain every Tuesday, its my least favourite day and the rain just seems to confirm that.

Weekend news: Fri we went to D&P's for a bbq it was really good and the weather stayed nice and sunny. Fri night stayed at theres and got wrecked (surprise surprise) Sat I was just too tired AGAIN, didn't want to do anything and stayed in bed, even though I did really want to go into town. S went to his mums and did some stuff. Sat night we went for a chinese with F. It was really nice and we got on so well. A didn't come cos he was watching football and its weird how different she is without him. We had a few drinks with her and then she went in. We were meant to meet St but he was being stupid and not answereing his phone so we bumped into JG from work and ended up going to liquid with him! Well liquid was dire as usual but there was no where else to go. We stayed for abit and then went home. Sun I was ill again, my stomach was all swollen and I felt sick so guess what-I stayed in bed again all day. S went to his mums again and in the evening we watched tv. Another nothing weekend.

I was really ill yesterday too-feeling sick and my stomach was massive and swollen. I'm going to the docs tomorrow but I've decided (again) I've got to give up drinking and drugs. I mean it might not be making me ill but then I'm always worse on a Sunday and a Monday after I've been wrecked....Me and S have agreed its just not the same anymore. I don't even really enjoy it that much now it just seems pointless. So thats it, I'll see how I get on and if I end up bored out of my brain I'll just have to find something else to do! I just don't want to be ill anymore! Now when I think about getting wrecked all I can think about is how crap I'm going to feel and its putting me off-It's taking up so much of my life it isn't worth it. There's no where worth going to in Lancaster and I don't want to sit in the house and get wrecked anymore. Its costing us a fortune and it isn't even like we get on a buzz like we used to. We're meant to be going to Birmingham (haha) on May 13th for HTID so I'm going to try and not do anything till then, and then only do stuff when we're going somewhere good like Pier or whatever.

We'll see how I get on.....Jxx

"If only we'd stop trying to be happy we'd have a pretty good time"

Which is very true but I can't seem to stop trying! Or searching, or questioning! What is this all really about? What is the point to anything? I am trying to be happy and just accept life as it is but suddenly I find I don't know what makes me happy. If I could do anything what would I do? I don't know! I don't know what I want, I mean I want a better job, a house, a new car, a wedding, children.... but do I want that right this second? If money was no object would it make me happy right now? I suppose it would but I don't want to have to go through all the stresses and worry to get there. I want to get married and we are just quietly saving, but I don't want to have to think about planning and organizing and stressing....I just want to go and marry S and have a lovely day with the people I care about-thats it. I want to get a new house but I don't want to stress with estate agents and things falling through or decorating....

I think I want to just-be. I want to be calm and let everything go, just accept things as they happen and not to worry about what I can't control. "It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis." This is so true, there is no point in me worrying over the future or the past, I need to still quietly prepare for the future and not be reckless (especially with money) but things have a habit of turning out differently to what I expect anyway so what is the point stressing over it!

I think this has just been brought on cos I've had abit of a rubbish easter and nothings turned out the way I planned. Thurs night was lovely, we went for a meal at the Mill and then to D&P's, had a really good night although we shouldn't have got wrecked. Fri we were tired and on a come down (surprise) didn't do anything then went to S's mums while he fixed the car, Fri night went to M&G's for a drink. It was nice to see them but I was just so tired and not really feeling that sociable. We stayed there cos S was drinking. Sat didn't get home til lunch time and then S was tired and slept. Sat night S had promised me we'd go to Wigan but we'd asked D&P to come because we thought it would be better. Anyway we had to lend them some money to come but thought it would be worth it....well all 3 of them didn't want to be there and so weren't in going out moods so it ruined it for me. I was having a great time for the 2 hours we were there then they all wanted to go home so we had to. Plus I lost some money somehow so S was mad about that. Sun I was severely fed up as the one thing I had wanted to do was spoilt but my mum and dad came down and we had a really lovely meal at the White Cross. It was great to see them I felt that we got on really well and I felt close to them which made me happy. Sun night we went to Glasson Dock for a drink with S and L and people which was actually a good laugh and better than doing nothing. Mon I was ill, all my stomach swelled up and I felt sick so I was in bed all day. WHAT A WASTE OF 4 DAYS OFF!

All this has just made me question what actually does make me happy and what I can do in my life to stop myself being so down all the time! I was talking to J about it at work today and its just all made me think about letting things go and just living for today and not always being so disapointed with things. In the past things have been alot worse for me and yet I was happy?

I'm going to the doctors next week about my stomach swelling up and feeling sick cos its happening all the time now and it isn't related to drinking or my diet or anything cos it happened over easter when I hadn't even done anything! So I think I need some tablets for digestion or something! Unless it's related to the drugs but I'm hoping that it isn't....

Other news: F text me and asked if we were ok so we sort of discussed things and agreed that we need to make more effort with each other. Its good cos its cleared the air and made me realise that I don't want us to stop being friends so we're all going for a chinese on sat night which will be nice ;-)

Well I'm off to be happy then and to eat my dinner....budhist calm to you all! Jxx

2 years

Today is mine and S's 2 year anniversary. We're meant to be going out for a meal tonight and he's made me a nice card. You think I would be happy but for several reasons I'm in a really foul mood.

1) The stupid car has got a leak in the radiator so thats fucked so now we need a new one (£80 odd) and to take it apart to fix it, so there's easter weekend ruined. We can't go anywhere, we'll have no money cos we have to buy this part, and we have to waste our time at S's mums cos he can only fix it there.

2) I'm so sick of the way I look. I look a complete mess, my skin is terrible, my tan has gone all patchy but I can't get it off my hands and I'm putting on weight again. I'm so ugly.

3) We have no friends round here that like the same music and want to go to decent clubs. S never wants to go any where or do anything that I want to do, he's like a 50 year old in a 25 year olds body, he isn't up for anything like he used to be. We don't have anyone to go out with and for some reason we can't have a good night just us. I'm sick of everything being so boring. I want to have a life, and friends and decent weekends....

I'm going to do something crazy the way I feel at the moment....Jxx

4 day week wahoo!

Well its only a 4 day week this week and next cos its Easter so thats really good! The weathers actually sunny and nice today so thats making me feel better. Had an ok weekend, not great but then after the week I had I'm not really surprised. Didn't do anything on Fri had a row with S over feeling fed up but I think it did me good to get it out.

Sat we went into town so I could get some make up from superdrug. Met up with F&A and had lunch in wetherspoons which was ok. Then we met D&P at the factory shop and had a wander round and a brew in the tea shop. Sat night we went into town to meet L which started ok but then turned really crap as for some reason we got refused from the lounge, hustle and the revolution cos they reckoned we were too drunk! Stupid Lancaster is rubbish anyway. I don't know why we can never go out and have a good night. We always seem to argue, and then he'll be in a bad mood and I'll be horrible to him and we just get worse. It really gets me down. The only time we have a good night is when we're with D&P but they can never afford to come out so we're stuck...I just want us to have a good time, we do get on so well the rest of the time it just seems like when we go out everything goes wrong. I don't understand it, we are trying to make more friends so we have people to go out with but S doesn't really like/get on with people I know so he needs people to go out with but all his old friends have pretty much sodded off....

So anyway we went home at 12 and then I fell down the stairs at home cos I was holding S's record box and I didn't want to drop it so I fell all the way down the stairs and the box landed on my arm. I've got sore bits everywhere but no bruises as yet....

Other news: we had the police all over our street on Sat morning as they turned up at L&B's to arrest him and search the house! There were forensics officers and loads of police officers and everything! It was quite scary. Apparantly they've been watching him for a while but it all seemed very surreal I don't know if someone had tipped them off or something. We saw him out later so he'd been released, don't know whats going to happen to him. I supose he should have been more careful but I never thought he'd been particularly on top so it makes you wonder...Jxx

Had a really crap week

Well I've had a really crap week. S's been quite poorly he was even off work yesterday. He had a proper fever and was feeling really awful. He's abit better now but still coughing alot and feeling sorry for himself.

I've been feeling pretty bad too, not in an ill way just really down and stressed. I started crying in Asda on Wedsnesday because everything was so expensive and we couldn't get anything we liked. I've been really irritable all week, snapping at S and stuff. I know he can't help it if he's ill but it just felt like he's been making a big fuss about it. I know he can't help it really and I'm just being selfish. I don't know whats up with me everyone seems to be getting on my nerves.

Works been really busy and stressful too. I need a new job but I hate applying for them, I just can't get motivated and then I feel more stressed and panicky. I worry that no one will ever want me and my family will be so disapointed in me ;-( I bought a new dress to wear on Saturday night and it just makes me look fat and horrible. I can't feel good about myself at all at the moment. I look in the mirror and see a big lump with stupid hair and lots of spots. My hair is a mess. Ste glued my extensions in for me and I really liked them but then yesterday they started coming out so I had to take them out in the shower and it really hurt my scalp. So I can't glue them back in cos I can't take the pain of that again. We ended up spending last night night sewing them onto clips which sort of works but doesn't work as well and doesn't feel as secure.

Not doing much this weekend. S is still feeling rough and I said I didn't want to do anything tonight. The trouble is I have a bad week and feel depressed so I want to go out and do something on a Friday to make myself feel better, then we are hungover on Sat and Sun and don't do anything which wastes the weekend and I feel ill at work the next week. But if we don't do anything then I just feel even more depressed and like I'm wasting my life. It's a viscious circle. Why can't I go out at the weekend without feeling drained and ill and depressed the next day? It never used to affect me like this? I just want to be happy, I don't know how to make myself happy though. I try but it just doesn't work ;-( Jxx

Poorly Ste

Poor Ste is poorly-sick this week he's got a cough and he's hot and cold. He's struggling on at work though cos of course we don't get paid if we go home ;-( He's all muffled up in his coat cos he's cold bless him. I'll probably come down with it for the weekend just my luck.

I was looking on the net yesterday for jobs and I've decided that I'm going to just keep checking the 2 uni websites and the council and job centre websites. Then if I see any jobs I like I'm just going to apply for them and see how I get on. I'm ok with my life really I just kind of go through phases where I get stressed and worry about what I'm doing and then phases where I feel fine and I'm quite happy! It's only really that my mum keeps asking me what I'm doing about it that brings me down. Everytime I speak to her she's like "so have you been applying for anything, what are you going to do with your future etc etc" I know she's only trying to motivate me and she means well but it just makes me panicky that I haven't succeeded yet and I havn't done as well as I should or something....

So far I've got this one mortgage advisor job to apply for and I've just seen a trainee accountants job for the council so I'm going to go for that as well. Its just so draining filling out all these bloody application forms though and having to think of intelligent things to say! Still if you don't try then you'll never know.
I know I am lucky really to even be where I am and that my life really is fine, but I am a complete stress head! I always have been-I know I worry about everything! Even when I don't have anything to worry about I worry that somethings going to go wong! Ahhh somebody smack me I'm going mad! Jxx

Mishca and Lucy-The Office Rats

Sad

I feel so sad today. I started feeling like that last night and it just got worse and worse. I just wanted to cry when I got to work. It's not even that I mind being here really apart from the fact that I can't help any of the customers cos J and D won't tell me what I need to know to help them so what can I do? I just feel sad all over, about everything.

God I am having the worst day ever. I HATE mondays everyone always rings up and complains cos D never rings anyone back, and I ask him to get me prices and he doesn't, he never tells me when I can book peoples jobs in. I'm not a plumber I don't know what the difference between a thermostatic shower valve and a manual one! (well I do kind of but not well enough to explain it to a customer) I DO NOT know when we can come and fix your leaky radiator. Don't ask me cos I DON'T CARE. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Ok rant over ;-( I just feel sad today. I can't do my job properly cos people won't tell me what I need to know, so everyone rings up and complains at me and I can't even do anything about it! I've got an application form sent to me for this mortgage advisor thing but I've suddenly realised that I might have to work Saturdays and I'm not doing that so now I don't know. I thought it was a good idea cos I could do this course and then get a job in a year or so but now they want me to apply immediately I just don't no. I don't even know if its what I even want to do??? I wanted to try it first and see if there was too much selling or pressure cos I don't want to get all stressed out and unhappy like I was at uni. Somebody please help me and give me some advice ;-( I supose I will just apply for it and see what happens but I'm not working weekends and thats that.

Weekend News: Fri we had the afternoon off, ended up going to Preston and Blackpool looking at tools for S. It was ok it was so nice to be off. We had tea at the Horns which was nice as well although I was very full when we'd finished. Fri night we went bowling with D&P which was actually a really good night. I got 4 strikes in the second game and won! Bowling when wrecked is pretty amusing! Sat didn't do much, went back to Blackpool to get S a router table. Sat night we went into town to meet L and her boyfriend. It was really good to meet her she's lovely. Had a good night and even had a dance! The only bad part of the night was that S drank way too much and I had to take him home. Sun he was being sick and I was tired so we didn't do anything again.

I'm seriously not doing anything on Fridays anymore I felt so down on sunday and today and I know why it is. I felt kind of good the last few weeks that we had only drunk on Saturday and gone to bed early on Fri and this week I kind of feel like I've let myself down. I don't know, its just not worth it, it doesn't make me happy and I'm tired of feeling rubbish all the time. Jxx