Blergh

Well I feel typically hung over as always at the start of the week. I promised myself I wasn't going to drink or anything on Friday but oh no, when it came down to it I couldn't resist the Friday night ritual of getting wrecked with D&P. Grrrrrrrrrrr. Not that it did me any good as I felt CRAP and tired all day Saturday and ended up in bed all day Sunday trying to feel better....

The story starts on Thurs night. Get a phone call off F asking me to record something for her as she was going out. Fair enough so I said ok then she said, we're coming to see you tomorrow night. Not can we, or is it ok. Just we're coming to see you about 9. I was caught completely off guard and didn't know what to say. Anyway I was really annoyed about that and I was in a bad mood all day Fri. It got to Fri night and I decided we were just going to go to D&P's like normal and tell F&A to come round earlier and then we'd have an excuse to go. Couldn't get hold of them until almost 9 when they rang to say they weren't coming as it was abit late (but then they went into town-not that they invited us or anything!!) so we went to D&P's. It was fine but I should have just stayed at home and gone to bed but by 9 o'clock I was pretty annoyed and fed up so I just thought sod it I want a drink....

Next day felt crap as usual. Wished I'd not drunk or anything...We'd agreed to meet F&A in town so I dragged myself up and we met in the friary for drinks (I actually had water!! No alcohol in the day...) Somehow we ended up inviting A round that night as F was going to see a friend and D&P were going to J&A's. Thought oh well it might be ok.... Well no it was very boring and instead of F coming round after she'd been to her friends she just came and picked A up and they went home!!! At half 11! We have decided that thats their bedtime or something or else they turn into pumpkins at midnight...??? SO we ended up on our own again on Saturday night....Sunday I stayed in bed as I was fed up and S cleaned the car. Yippee what a weekend NOT.

No more getting wrecked on a Friday. It is honestly killing me and making me feel awful. I need to stop it. I really do. It's not doing me any good. I want to be able to get up on a Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday mornings and not feel like crap.....Thats it now I'm going to do it.

Only good part of the weekend was on Fri night when I just decided to phone A for a chat. Anyway we talked for ages! Over an hour! And it wasn't weird at all! It was nice to actually talk to somebody who you've got stuff to say too ;-) It's mental how I'd much rather talk to her than F-we just haven't got anything in common anymore...

Other news: Have been trying to look into courses I can do to try and get myself the job I want. Hit dead ends with all of them though. I either need a different degree, to go back to uni full time, to move, to be rich etc etc. Whatever job I'm interested in you need further qualifications for! So basically all I can do is stupid management which I don't even want to do any more of! None of the jobs I can do here are well paid enough, all the jobs I want they think I'm not good enough for (5 years experience, aged 30+ etc etc) I just feel like my careers over all ready. I'm stuck with tonnes of debt for nothing. I wish I had had more advise before I went to uni. The only thing I've found is a mortgage advisor qualification which will cost me £400 but with it I can work anywhere as a mortgage advisor. The trouble is would anyone take me with the qualification but no experience? Would I even like it??? I don't know. I just don't know what else to do. M thinks its my fault and I should be "trying harder" or something. She even said I'd have to move! How can I just do that? All I want is to be happy.

I'm starving ;-( I ran out of cereal yesterday morning so I've eaten a piece of toast and an apple. I don't even like either of them ;-( I wish everything could be simpler. I wish I didn't have all these demands on me and everyone expecting me to be brilliant. I know I want a better job/career but I feel like I'm banging my head on a brick wall. I'm going to write to some estate agents for advice and see if any of them bother to write back and I guess I'll go from there.... Jxx

I Like Thursdays!

For some reason I always seem to have a better day on a Thursday. I don't know why. Maybe cos I'm well into the swing of the week by then, maybe because the come down from the previous weekend has worn off, maybe cos K is in and he makes me brews all day? Either way I definitely seem to be happiest on a thurs.

Not much news. The car stereo has broken! The screen has gone on it but the shop we bought it from has disappeared (very dodgy) so we took it up with virgin cos it was bought on credit card. They tried to say it wasn't their problem but I rang trading standards last night and they were really helpful so I've written letters to the company, virgin and alpine and hopefully someone will take responsibility and get it fixed. Cos having a £300 duff stereo is very annoying! I'm half mad at S for wanting the stupid thing in the first place. He couldn't just have the cheaper one he had to have that one. We had to sacrifice at xmas so he could have it and lo and behold 3 months later its broken!

I don't know why but I feel mad at S for some reason. He has hardly hugged me or anything the last few days. If I don't go to him he doesn't really do it and he just gets into bed at night turns over and goes to sleep! No cuddles or anything. Its like he's lost interest in me. I'm also dreading the weekend I have no idea what I'm going to do and I know I'm going to end up fed up and and resentful. I don't want to go and get wasted every night every weekend. I know its bad for me and I'm getting fed up of doing nothing because I'm always sleeping off the night before. BUT I still want to do something on a Sat night say. I feel like my youth is being taken away from me. In a few years I won't be able to go out and stuff so I need to take advantage of it now and get it out of my system.

I know its not really his fault but it feels like everyone else is being young and doing what they want to and I'm stuck. I can't exactly go out on my own can I? Grrr. I know part of me is just being a pain and I can hardly expect him to be a mind reader. That is always my problem-I go off and sulk and expect people to know exactly the right thing to do to make me feel better, then get cross when they don't! He's just come in and cuddled me, being sweet. I feel bad now. I know I'm so awkward alot of the time. I need to express myself better and say what I really mean, and in a nice way! He does his best with me bless him.

I'm hungry....back on the diet properly now, boring but I don't want to undo all the work. I have a tangerine left which I will eat shortly ;-) Did a tarot reading last night. It was good-acurate I thought. I'm still very slow with it as I'm only learning and I still have to look up the set meanings rather than just "feeling" them but hopeful in time it will come more naturally. I'm enjoying it anyway which is the main thing.

Right-tangerine time....Jxx

Friday 5's on Tuesday....?

I know I didn't post anything I was grateful for on Friday. It's funny cos I was pretty happy and really looking forward to the weekend thinking it would be good and it turned out to be a whole load of nothing. I have no idea what I'm going to do at the weekends now S doesn't want to do anything. I'm certainly not going to force him to get drunk or anything but how are we supposed to go out or anything now? Friday night tv is so bad, and we stay in every other night with each other watching tv so we should at least do something remotely interesting at the weekend...? I feel like I'm being made to be old before my time. In a few years I'll have other priorities but surely I need to be able to act young and get it out of my system now? Otherwise I may as well be married with children????

I'm starting to get tooth ache. I really hope its nothing since I can't get into a single dentist and everythime I get toothache its serious ;-( Still maybe I could have some time off work, oh but I wouldn't get paid and I'm not allowed any holiday so I'd can't be off. Great. I was hoping that this better weather would cheer me up I keep trying to think about summer and doing nice things in the sun and being able to wear nice clothes and not three jumpers like I'm having to at the moment cos its so bloody cold in the office (but no one thinks that but me for some reason.) But if we can't do anything nice in the first place then the weather hardly matteres.

F left a message the other day cos she was at her mums so she could phone for free. To be honest I didn't want to talk to her. I mean I obviously will eventually but she's always so loud and almost over the top and I just can't be doing with it at the moment. I don't like them coming round to be honest. I don't mind meeting them in town but they make a mess when they come round and are noisy. I don't know, I sound really petty don't I? It's just she only thinks of me occasionally when she can slot me into her fabulous life and I don't see why I have to always think of her in mine? Maybe I'm jealous I don't know. Everything always has to be so cheerful and over the top and I just don't feel like that at the moment. I haven't got anything to say to her anymore. We don't have anything in common and she's always with A anyway.

Well here's five things I'm grateful for this week:

1) We got 2 really sweet new hamsters even if they can't live together
2) We're going to asda tonight so we'll have something nice to eat at last
3) CSI is on tonight
4) Ok, I'm struggling now.....Only 3 days left in work til the weekend (even if its rubbish at least I don't have to get up early)
5) I DON'T KNOW! I am sure there's plenty of things I should be glad for but right now I am fed up.

I think I'll leave it at that. Jxx

Feeling emotional

Feeling pretty down this week. Just can't be bothered at the moment. The weekends go by too quickly. I never seem to get anything done.

Weekend just gone we ended up going to D&P's on Fri night even though we were so tired. It was ok but realistically we should have just gone to bed. Sat we were meant to be going for our meal but we went to animal care instead as S got on a mission about getting a kitten rather than going for a meal, however they didn't have any and we just had to put our names down. Sat we didn't do anything else cos we were tired, and we stayed in Sat night cos we have no friends or anyone to see/come round. Then S got upset and said he doesn't want to get drunk or do anything any more cos its making him feel down and he's sick of it. So now he's not going to get drunk or do anything at the weekend and I'm not going to do it on my own so I may as well be 70 years old already cos I will have no life. We did nothing all weekend but I am so tired and I feel rubbish and down.

Sun we we set off to the RSPCA Preston to see if there were any kittens there but there wern't so we ended up at pets at home and got these 2 dwarf hamsters who are tiny. They are meant to like living in groups so we got a big enough cage and we wanted 2 boys which the man blagged us that they were. Anyway we took them to the vets yesterday and one is a girl so now we have had to separate them. I'm so gutted, it completely defeated the object. They like to live in a group and now they are both all alone and I feel so mean. Mine is the boy and he's white and chubby and is called Snowball and S's is the girl and she's tiny and grey/brown stripped and is called Zebedee. Its so sad seeing them in separate cages all alone. Its ok for Minky cos his breed are meant to be on their own but these are supposed to be together ;-( Poor Minky is getting old though, especially when you compare him to how active they are. He's so sweet and tame I don't want to think about him not being here ;-(

Little things just keep making me sad. I feel really emotional. I'm sick of being stuck at work I never get any free time. We aren't allowed any holidays together so whats the point? We never have anything to look forward to.... ;-( I have eaten ten tonnes of junk food the past few days. I feel so cross with myself I'm going to end up even fatter and more horrible. We just haven't had any food in the house so we've been buying stuff from Booths and getting take aways. I feel so annoyed and fat....GRRRRRRRR. Jxx

Happiness is a voyage.....

Not a destination! Well thats what the lovely poem E made me for my birthday says. And it is true. Sometimes we get so caught up in the future and where we are meant to be going that we don't enjoy the moment.

So here I am enjoying the moment of being at work! Well sort of, its not bad being here really. I like Thursdays and Fridays better. Everyone seems to be in a better mood (touch wood) and more relaxed. J&D have had words with the useless apprentices and have stopped JG going to jobs on his own (thank god) they've been warned that in the summer not all of them will be kept on. Also they have decided they want S to learn plumbing as he will be keen and reliable! So finally he may get a really good career! Which he deserves ;-)

Not much other news: We have decided to go for a nice meal on Staurday night to the posh part of the crofters so I'm looking forward to that. Its kind of for valentines day/just for me and S to do something together. He bought me roses for valentines day too ;-) Don't know what else we are doing this weekend not much probably but I don't mind after feeling so rough last weekend and this week with my cold! Am going to wear nice clothes and make an effort whatever we do though as I'm sick of feeling like a scrag-especially as we hardly ever go out so if I waited until we go out to look nice/dress up then I never will (if you get me?) I always look a mess at work cos it is just too early to make an effort! So this weekend I am not staying in bed and I am making an effort!!!

I've also ordered some tarot cards-I've got really interested in it from what J's been saying at work so I will give it a go myself and see if I can get any in sights/become any good at it. Am quite excited about it! Will update when they come ;-) Jxx

Beautiful things.........

Can I change my mind? Did I think things through? It was once my life - it was my life at one time...

Got up early, found something's missing-my only name. No one else sees but I got stuck, and soon forever came.
Stopped pushing on for just a second, then nothing's changed. Who am I this time, where's my name? I guess it crept away.

No one's calling for me at the door. And unpredictable won't bother anymore. And silently gets harder to ignore.
Look straight ahead, there's nothing left to see. What's done is done, this life has got it's hold on me. Just let it go, what now can never be.

I forgot that I might see, So many beautful things.
I forgot that I might need, to find out what life could bring.

Take this happy ending away, it's all the same. God won't waste this simplicity on possibility. Get me up, wake me up, dreams are filling this trace of blame. Frozen still I thought I could stop, now who's gonna wait.

No one's calling for me at the door. And unpredictable won't bother anymore. And silently gets harder to ignore.
Look straight ahead, there's nothing left to see. What's done is done, this life has got it's hold on me. Just let it go, what now can never be.

Beautiful things, so many beautiful things......

Now what do I do? Can I change my mind? Did I think things through? It was once my life - it was my life at one time.........

Poorly sick ;-(

I've finally managed to catch S's cold so feeling pretty crap at the moment. Still at work though-heaven forbid I have a day off. Wish I could be in bed though, its chucking it down and my nose and head hurt.

Birthday was good in the end. We ended up going to Blackpool on Fri night with D&P as the sidewalk has well and truly shut down. Went to DNA, it was good (I think) I was smashed (I think I was the only one though) Music was ok not great, I'm really going off all that Donk stuff ;-( Got a tune played for me though (elysium and a shout out) I've got a new godskitchen cd its really good so I'm starting to get into trance and stuff more again.

Sat, family came down and we went for the meal at the Crofters. It was ok, again not great-mine was nice but they didn't have what E or M wanted. It was lovely to see the family though and I got some nice presents. E made me a lovely photo collarge and another poem as well as some other stuff, it was really thoughtful ;-) No one else would ever do that for me.

Sat night: S, E and I went into town. Went to a couple of bars and then to Brooks, it was good we had a bit of a dance but the music went off towards the end though. It was lovely to go out with E and not have to worry about getting I.D'd anywhere. I really wish I could see her more. We went to Wetherspoons on Sun for breakfast wish was a nice idea but by this time I was coming down with the cold and felt awful. E drove herself home on her own so hopefully now she's done it once she can do it again! I'm so proud of her. It doesn't feel like I'll ever be able to drive.

I'm still yet to have an amazing night anywhere though. Just recently wherever we go the music seems abit off or I'm too wrecked or S is not wrecked enough....etc. It seems like its pointless us going out cos it never seems to go right and we are better off staying in and doing something else? I just miss getting dressed up nicely when we stay in though. I don't know what we can do about it. Right now I feel too crappy to even care ;-( Jxx

Trying hard to find my blessings....

Well it's hard finding 5 things I'm glad about this week after the amount of moaning customers, work dragging so slowly, closed nightclubs and the rip off car man charging us three times as much as he quoted us. Anyway after a good think here they are:

1) I get to see my family on Saturday and go out (if only to Lancaster) with my sister and I can't wait to see them
2) We might get to have a good night tonight (if the sidewalk is open)
3) It's the weekend tomorrow and I don't have to get up early
4) I am getting wrecked tonight no matter what!
5) I will be 22 tomorrow!

Some of those are abit conditional so we will see....! Jxx (22 in 13 hours!)

Awful day (yesterday)

Had an awful day yesterday. J fucked off all day cos her son was ill. Fair enough she was concerned but he's 15! I was left on my own all day dealing with a million shitty customers not being able to help any of them cos oh guess what I'm not a plumber. Every job JG goes to goes wrong and then we get it in the neck an hour later. And they are paying all these useless apprentices more than us...?

Also I have ear ache, period pain and I'm tired. Even better news the stupid sidewalk is changing hands/shutting down again so its closed on my birthday. Where the hell else are we supposed to go? Everywhere else is so dire. We've ended up having to try and go on the Fri with D&P cos APPARANTLY its still open then (probably not) and then go for the meal on Sat and to try to go into crap town with E after that. Its not fair I don't even feel like I can be bothered to do that. I just wanted to have one nice day on my birthday. I wanted to have a good night with E. Its been over 2 years since we've had a good night together why does it have to be spoilt? I don't even really want to go out the night before. I don't want to be hung over and tired on my birthday. Not that it even matters now I suppose cos its clearly going to be shit. Why can't anything just go right for me? All I wanted was a good night out since I'm not having any presents.

I'm so mad I can't even concentrate on anything. I don't want to be at work. I'm never allowed any fucking holidays though, everyone else can take time off but we can't. If we're so "indespensible" then they should treat us better and be more grateful. I'm seriously fed up. Jxx

Monday again

Monday again already! The weekends just aren't long enough. We had a good one though:

Fri night we went to D&P's for tea. They cooked us a very nice meal considering they have no cooker at the moment as D drilled through the cooker wire and blew it up! We had a few drinks and some pills and listened to some tunes, it was a good night ;-) And they have decided to come out to Preston for my birthday so I'm really pleased as it will mean theres a group of us and S isn't the only lad so he won't feel awkward. Plus I didn't expect them to come so it is a nice surprise.

Sat S was up at 7:50 as M&G had decided to build a partition wall in their front room and needed him to help them! So he went off to do that and I went into town to have a look around before I got my hair done. I bought a new dress to wear on Sat night for my birthday from internacional-its pink and grey and quite short but casual-ish (but now I think I'm going to look too dressed up as everyone else is wearing jeans ;-( so I'm not sure what to do but I might just wear it anyway, I don't know) Then I decided to go to Aurora tatoo to see about getting a new tatoo for my birthday as I have been thinking about it for ages after watching Miami Ink! Plus J had given me some money for my birthday so I thought that it would be a good thing to spend it on. I decided to get the same tatoo that S has on his arm as I though it would be nice for us to have the same. Anyway when I got there they were fully booked til April! So I was abit sad as I wanted it done before my birthday but she said if I brought S in so they could take a tracing of it and work out a price then she would try and squeeze me in this week sometime.

I still had ages to kill in town and I was so bored and cold. I couldn't find anything I liked and had no one to talk to or anywhere to sit. I ended up sat on Dalton Square for half an hour freezing to death and reading a stupid cheap magazine from boots. In the end I gave up and went to the hairdressers early! Had my hair done which was great, she always does a really good job and she's lovely so I'm pleased ;-) When I'd finished I tried to ring S but my phone started playing up and I couldn't get a signal. In the end I had to get the bus to M's and wait around there for 2 hours as they were no where near ready. Eventually I got S to come back to aurora with me so she could get a tracing and she agreed to squeeze me in at 5:30. I was really happy but we had to come back an hour before to have it numbed. So basically we were faffing about all day! We went back at 4:30 to have this numbing stuff applied which I'd never had before but I figured it would be worth a go! Then we went back to M's to kill an hour before he took me back to get it done. Eventually I went back at 5:30 and had it done, it only took 40 minutes and the numbing stuff is amazing! I could hardly feel it! I'm really pleased with it , it looks great.

Then G picked me up (abit awkward) then I waited at M's for them to finish the wall (7pm!) and they'd still only done one side! We finally got home and had tea.Didn't plan to do anything sat night. Watched new series of L&O and CSI, then we got a text from D&P to see if we wanted to go up to their friends in Dolphinholme as they were all wrecked. We went up there and it was ok at best. I was abit fed up at the end as I was tired and I'd stopped drinking ages ago and they were all really wrecked. They gave us lines of this stuff that they said was MDMA but I now think was ketamine. Well I ended up freaking out off it, hallucinating and crying thinking they were all going to eat me/kill me. It was horrible not a nice experience at all and I felt they shouldn't have let me take it without telling me what it was knowing I'd react the way I did. I supose it was nice to be invited but in the end I just wanted to go home and go to bed. Sunday I stayed in bed most of the day while S pottered about. F&A popped round, as they were going into town for tea, to say goodbye as they are going on holiday on Weds. Apart from that we didn't do much really but it was still a nice weekend.

No other news really, S is getting a cold poor thing and we have to do the dreaded asda run tonight as we have no food whatsoever ;-( Also S really liked her present so that was a relief. All in all everythings ok! Jxx

Friday Fives

Well I was reading an old Cosmo last night and it said about writing down three things each day which were good/you were grateful for. I'm not going to do it every day but I figured every Friday I will think of 5 good things this week that have happened or that I'm grateful for. Count your blessings and all that! So:

1) I'm having my hair done tomorrow and I will hopefully look better!
2) Hopefully we have got this weekend sorted and we are going to D&P's tonight which will be good despite us being penniless!
3) I have stuck reasonably well to the diet this week
4) There is a new series of CSI and law & order all starting this week!
5) It is my birthday in 8 days and I get to go out with E and not worry about her getting ID'd ;-)

There you go its not all bad is it?!

However, on a down note it is S's birthday today and I hope she likes her present and card and doesn't think its too cheap. We would have spent more but we are so skint at the moment ;-( Will let you know how it goes....and how the weekend pans out. Jxx

Angry Week!

I seem to be having an angry week this week! I know it's PMT but whereas I normally seem to get upset or down about things this time I feel more aggressive! It's not great but it's better than being upset all week anyway!

Not much news. Customers have been a nightmare recently-10 million supposed problems and we have no idea when we can get back to them. Stupid wet plumbing, its always faffing about and involves leaks and moaning residents of Torrisholme....

I'm so cold, my hands are freezing. I think K is making me a brew to warm them up, bless him.

This week hasn't been too slow (touch wood) not like last week which was AWFUL! No plans for weekend though but am just not thinking about it. Having my hair done on Sat am which will be a relief oh and have managed to scrape together £40 so I can buy myself a birthday present...now don't spend it all at once! At least CSI and law and order are back on a Sat night so it shoukdn't be too boring if we don't end up doing anything. Fridays are crap though.

I can't even remember what it's like to go out and have a good time it's been that long ;-( I'm praying my birthdays going to be good or else I'm going to be really dissapointed ;-( I know I don't want to build it up too much but FOR GODS SAKE! I never go out, I never have any new clothes, I never do anything. I am only 22 (almost) I am saving up and paying my debts off and eating healthily and hardly drinking and working hard. Surely I am entitled to have a life somewhere in there????? (you can see the anger now can't you?!)

Am off to drink my tea and shout at people now.....Jxx