Xmas is over

Well its all over. Sorry its been so long I've been having a good break from stupid computers.

Xmas was nice if a little quiet. We travelled down to Wales on the thursday after we had finished work and stayed til xmas day evening. Didn't do much there went shopping a few times but it was nice to spend time with the family especially M. We didn't see E much though as at the last minute she agreed to work on the one day we were ment to be spending with her. M, E and I went to church on xmas eve at midnight while d and S stayed at home and watched Harry Potter and drank wine! I t was good to go to church I was glad I went I would like to go more really but I don't know where and I wouldn't want to go on my own. For xmas I got some lovely clothes, some perfume, a great stocking (the best bit I think) and some things to make which was what I really wanted. I did very well for presents actually the best for a long while! We travelled home on xmas evening and went to see J&B and D&P and then went to bed cos we were knackered!

Boxing day we saw F&A for a little bit in the evening. They issue has been taken care of and things are kind of back to normal but still not right. F is pretty distant and hard to get hold of, I just feel like something has changed and I don't know how to be with them any more. Also she hardly seems to want to see me or talk to me. I can completely sympathise that its hard for them at the moment but I'm trying to be there and to be a good friend and I don't feel like its working. Sometimes I feel like no one is really there for me, D&P are our friends (sort of) but its not like I'd tell them if I had a problem, F is my friend but she always has too much on her plate and I have to be there for her. I suppose I also don't really like talking about myself to people. I mean why should there care or even want to listen. I guess I'd always rather be the friends listening and trying to sort everyone else out. Maybe I'm just not a very nice person and thats why no one cares anymore.

I though I could talk to E about it but its like she doesn't even like me much any more. Every time I see her we manage to argue about something. She just seems to know how to upset me. I don't know whether she is paying me back for all the times in the last year or so when me and S have argued when we went out or that I've not been there for her or for how the holiday turned out. Its like I wasn't there for her and now she's finally got fed up of me just as I have tried to make an effort. I know I've been crap in the past with her but I never wanted it to be like that. I don't know why, we used to get on so well before I was with S. She used to come down all the time. I supose cos she could go out then and we had a big group of friends so it wasn't an awkward number. When we've been out since its just been the three of us and I've focussed on S and not her and its all gone wrong. I know that now thats why I wanted to make it different and make it up to her but it seems like its too late. We aren't even invited on her 18th birthday. We are going on the stupid family meal with all the rest of the distant family but thats it. I tried to tell M about it but she wasn't even bothered when I said I was upset. I think she just thinks I only wanted to go just to go to Liverpool but it isn't true I wanted E to want me there and to have a good time on her first official night out as an 18 year old. E doesn't think we'll get on with her sensible friends or we won't like the music they want to listen to or that we'll argue. I don't know a million things but either way we aren't invited. I wouldn't even contemplate having a birthday without wanting her there. She isn't coming down for new year either. I guess it was so crap last year that she doesn't want to be here again she wants to be with her friends which I understand.

I'm really mad at myself it seems like in the past all the times I've been stupid or selfish have just come back to hit me in the face and people have finally had enough of me. I suppose I deserve it. But I've finally realised and I'm trying to make things up to people but it feels like its too late. I don't know what to do. I feel sad again. Jxx

2.5 days to go.................

Only 2.5 days left in work! Then two weeks off! Wahey I'm so glad I can't wait. It will just be nice not o have to get up or do anything. Weekend was ok. I feel alot better this week. Last week was awful I think it was PMT making me feel worse as well. I just felt so sad. Nothing has changed really but I just feel more positive about it. We've still got to save up loads this next year but hopefully we'll get there and then we can get married in 2007 (god it sounds so far away!) We just need to get on with it and be careful with our money! It will be difficult as there's always something that needs paying for but we'll just have to be careful.

Weekend news: Boiler broke on Friday night. Its been leaking for a while but it finally went off. We've got Ian coming out tomorrow to hopefully sort it out. Anyway we were going to stay in and do nothing but we were fed up cos of that and we were freezing cold so we went to D&P's and stayed there. It was good to see them cos its been about 6 weeks since we saw them properly! Sat we managed to get the boiler going again! We went into town but it was heaving so we didn't stay long. Went to J&B's so S could try and fix his immobiliser which he did (sort of) thank goodness. Then on sat night we just stayed in and watched tv which was good for a change! Sun we went to asda to get a few bits and just watched tv (Muppets wizards of oz!) which was nice.

F&A were meant to do something with us possibly but they didn't ring. I know they've got a lot on their plates at the moment but it would have been nice. Oh well I don't really know when we'll next see them as we go to my mums soon. Also I don't know what we can do with their xmas present as its not very appropriate now. Still I think S is going to make them some cookies as well. As they still haven't said what they're doing its hard to know how to be around them ;-( I feel like I'm losing my one and only friend but there's hardly anything I can do about it ;-(

E has finally passed her driving test! I'm so pleased for her its her perfect xmas present! She only got 3 minors too which is brilliant! She can buy a car now so she can come and visit us when she gets a chance.

Don't know what we're going to do about going out over xmas. D&P have finally admitted they have a problem with money and they need to get themselves sorted so they aren't going to be out for months, F&A obviously aren't going to be doing anything and we don't have anyone else. I really wanted to go out at least once over xmas. I just don't know where and it just isn't the same going on your own. I really wanted to go to Wigan-its nearly a year since we last went. I think we'd feel better in there than at the sidewalk but I don't know and atleast the sidewalks nearer. Its just at wigan people generally leave you alone and the music's always good. It just seems very far to go and S has to drive and we'd have to make it worth our while... I really wanted to go somewhere. We aren't even going out at new year because we don't have anyone to go with/anywhere to go. We're just going to D&P's I think because they have the kids. We need to make some new friends but I don't know where from or how. I just don't know what to do-loads of other people seem to manage it and go out fine I don' know whats wrong with us ;-( Jxx

Feeling pretty low

Not feeling very happy at all at the moment. Basically we have no friends, no money to do even the things we need to do like fix the car (immobilisers gone) buy Em's birthday present etc. Also I've been looking into mortages and stuff and we could only hope to borrow enough for a one bedroomed flat or a mobile home-no matter if we saved for 5 years or more because of what we earn and how much we could afford per month. It seems like we can never even dream of having a house, even as big as the one we have now, or a garden or a drive. It just feels like all my hopes for the future have been crushed just like that and theres nothing we can do about it.

I couldn't stop crying last night and at work today I feel so down about it. I know nothings set in stone or anything but everyone else already has houses and plans for the future. We are trying our best by saving up cos we just want to get on with our lives and now it all seems like its for nothing. We can't even go out and be "young and carefree" cos its pointless and there's no one to do it with. Especially now it looks like F&A will be changing alot and they were our last and only friends. Atleast before I had hope of one day having our own lovely home now I don't even have that. Its so impossible I don't know what else we can do ;-( Jxx

5.5 days left.........

Well there's only 5.5 days left til we finish for xmas. I will be glad to have the time off but no idea what we're going to do. Money is really short again (god knows how) and I feel bad on S because he's only got his stereo for xmas and he's already had it so there won't be anything to open from me on xmas day ;-( It makes me feel mean but it was his choice and it was too expensive in the first place! We couldn't really even afford it. Still not feeling xmassy I hope I won't feel like this for the rest of my xmas's to come. I suppose it is different though if you have children it makes things special.

I would really like to do some xmassy stuff but we don't have any one to do it with! F and A have got their own issues at the moment which is fair enough but D and P just don't bother with us and there really isn't anyone else. I would just like to go out and have fun and celebrate and enjoy ourselves but a) we don't have anyone to do it with and b) we don't have any money. It would be nice if we had friends who rang us and wanted to arrange things with us but that never happens. We just go round and round in circles being depressed and not being able to do anything about it.

Suggestions on a postcard please........ Jxx

A good week at work! Lol

I've actually had a really good week at work (especially all other circumstances considered) I think because everything else has been confusing and upseting I'm actually quite glad to be here, with people I like, doing something I know I can do! We've been pretty positive this week (I think J's buddaism is rubbing off on me!) and we've practically got back to everyone so we're not dreading people's phone calls (well not too much any way) Time seems to have passed really quickly as well. If it was like this all the time (at work) I'd be really happy! Its nice to be happy here especially as I spend more time here than anywhere else. I feel quite content with work at the moment as if its taken me this long to fully settle in and get used to working full time-maybe thats what it is? Either way I don't mind as its the one thing thats going right for a change.

Weekend Plans: Tonight-nothing really, bit of decorating I think. Sat-got to get up early. S has to take the car to get its exhaust fixed (great) and I am having my hair done (wahey) I also need to go to the bank and we need to go to Matalan and get a few more bits for xmas. We went late night shopping last night and actually did pretty well. We got most peoples presents and we're really sticking to the budget and having a proper good think about what to get people. Have ordered some things off the net so hopefully they will be here in time! Sun-parents might be coming down which would be nice and give us something to look forward to.

Trying not to think too much about anything else. I know I can only control what I do and therefore I shouldn't stress too much about other people or things that haven't happened yet or might/might not happen anyway. Think xmassy thoughts!! Jxx

Changes and wishes

Everything seems to be changing at the moment and not for the better. I'm not good with change, I don't like it it frightens me. I get stressed and I feel I can't cope. Everything seems to be different and I don't know how to move forward.

I wish I could feel good about xmas. I wish we had more money to buy people nice presents-I feel so mean. I wish I could feel xmassy and happy. I don't know whats wrong with me.

Had some news about F and A can't really say any more than that at the moment. Its not exactly good but then you wouldn't necessarily say its bad either. It would change alot of things though ;-(

Sometimes I feel so alone. I wish we had more friends, I wish I felt secure, I wish people wanted to see us and it was easy to arrange things and do things with other people. I wish I knew what I needed to feel better and be happy. I'm back to the numbness again ;-( Jxx

Upset and mad-at myself

Am really annoyed and upset with myself. Why do I make stupid decisions and not think all the time? I've always done this ever since I was younger-trying to make people like me better when I should just do the sensible thing. I don't really want to talk about it in any more detail except to say its ruined the weekend and quite probably alot more. I'm so mad at myself. I feel so stupid. I'm 21 I'm not a kid I should no better why do I spoil things by being so stupid? I just don't think.

I need to grow up and seriously re-evaluate my life and not be so stupid and childish. Jxx

The weekend has landed (almost)

Well its nearly the weekend ;-) which I'm really happy about. Feel pretty chirpy this week possibly cos we were well rested last weekend??? Going out tonight for a chinese with F&A and then into town so hopefully we'll have a good one! Its been ages since I saw F so whatever happens it'll be good to see her and have a dance!! Got L's birthday on sat night too which S is meant to be djing at (could be interesting!) so we've got things to keep us busy all weekend which is great.

Went to preston last night so I could get this gorgeous fake fur coat which I wanted for xmas. Its so fluffy and soft! L had popped round to see us so he came too. I relented and let S put his new stereo (his xmas present) in the car so he's really happy about that! It is pretty cool to be fair! We're also nipping to Matalan tonight to get S a new shirt for tonight and to get L a birthday present. Got a bit of money for a change!!!!

I just want to get on with it and for it to be the weekend now!! This week has really gone slowly. Only 3 hours left to go and counting......Lets hope its a good one! Jxx