Stressed

Am stressed out and upset at the moment for several reasons. I feel stressed cos I have no idea what I'm going to do about this job (if I get offered it, I know) They are only offering slightly more money than I get now and I will prob get offered more than that to stay here. Plus I don't want to move and be unhappy and stressed. Also I have realised that if I leave and go there I will have a month with no money as I will go from getting paid weekly to a month in hand. We cannot afford this as its over £900 so I can't accept the job on that grounds alone. My mum has said they could lend me the money but its over xmas and its not like they can afford it and I don't really want them to anyway. Thats not what I was angling for at all. I may not even like it anyway. I know it might be a career but if the moneys not much better it isn't really worth changing for that. Part of me wants to change just for something new and then the other part of me thinks I'm crazy cos its fine here. I suppose I think I would find the work more interesting cos I'm really not that interested in plumbing!! But its not my dream job so it might not be much more interesting!! Is it worth swopping when I could just hold out here, get more money and experience and then go for my dream job when it comes along???

I feel so confused. My dad has agreed with me and said not to worry but my mum remembers all the times I said how bored I was and just wants me to move no matter what. Part of me is just hoping they don't offer it to me and then its out of my hands. But I'm not going to try not to get it cos that would be stupid. Its the wrong time of year to be moving really too-right before christmas. I don't want to be starting somewhere new then. I know the only thing I can do is go for the interview, see what they say and then make a decision. I just feel so stressed and nervous ;-( I don't even want to go to the interview I feel so nervous and like I'm going to mess it all up even though it doesn't matter (so much) anyway.

Weekend news: Was ok, bit rubbish considering I wanted to have a good time no matter what (haha). Got in on Fri after having tea at J&B's which was nice. Then me and S argued for 2 hours (almost) because we couldn't work out what we were going to do that night. We were both tired and by the time we had decided the evening was spoilt. We ended up going into town. Went to the lounge and liquid. It was dreadful, totally deserted and absolutely dire music. I don't think we'll ever go there again. Was nice to be out and we had an ok time together it just wasn't worth being there. Was good to see some people I haven't seen for a while and have a chat etc but apart from that we should have saved the agro and stayed at home. Sat we went to work in the morning-well I slept in the office and S worked. We hadn't really have needed to go in but felt we couldn't let J down so we did. Went home and went back to bed for abit as I felt sick. Got up later and went to Matalan. Got 2 fluffy jumpers ;-) yey! As my mum had sent me £20 to get some. Which was really sweet considering I hadn't asked her or anything and we couldn't have afforded them other wise. Went to see D&P who were completely bored but as they are even more skint than we are none of us could do anything. We stayed for abit and then went home to bed. Sun we spent most of the day at J&B's sorting the rabbit out for winter. I managed to knock over a load of mesh which I was trying to separate which fell at me and pieced under my chin and lip which gave me a fright and hurt! Went home sun night watched tv and went to bed. None event all weekend really.

I don't know whats wrong with me. I've felt quite down the last couple of days-like I haven't been for quite a while. Not so empty anymore but actually sad like everything is falling apart. I just feel like there's not much point to everything and nothing is going right. I just want to do something nice at the weekend but I don't even know what nice is anymore. There's no where worth going out to and we still can't get ourselves organized or get anyone to come with us. The sidewalk has apparantly shut down so we couldn't even have gone there anyway this weekend. If its shut down for good that will be rubbish as we will be stuck having to go to wigan or something again which we are even less likely to do.

F&A are going to Edinburgh for a long weekend this weekend for her birthday. It sounds lovely to go to a different place and stay in a hotel, to go exploring and shopping and for a nice meal and then go out somewhere different. I'd love to do something like that but we can't even afford to do one of those things. We work so hard all week and do our best and we still can't do anything at the weekend to reward ourselves. I thought having a night out would make me feel better but its made me feel worse (although it wasn't very good) I don't even know what the answer is any more. I should be grateful I know but I don't know what I'm doing any more at all. I don't know where I'm going or what to do to make myself happy ;-( Jxx

Party people hey its Friday night!

Well ok its not Friday night its Friday morning but you get the general picture. Feel ok today. Had a nice night last night. Had a bath and got to bed reasonably early and had a snuggle with S which was nice. He's had his hair cut he looks great ;-) I on the other hand do not. I have come out in spots everywhere which is horrible and they are not letting themselves be covered up very well ;-( Out of all the weekends they have to come up on the one when we are meant to be doing something. Its hard to stop poking at them and making them worse....

Not sure exactly what we are doing this weekend. Think we are going to J&B's for tea tonight as we haven't been this week. S has been saying he's tired so I don't know whether he'll say that he wants to do something tomorrow instead. I just don't know what we can do though. I wanted to go to Preston but not just with S cos it won't be worth it cos he will have to drive and it will be just us. Plus he doesn't want to drive and I don't really blame him. If we don't go there then that only leaves Brooks which is expensive for a sh*thole and we will still be on our own. Suppose if F&A were in town we could go to Brooks and it might be ok. Its just so expensive for what it is (a dump) I just want to go to Preston with some friends and dress up! Why is that so much to ask?!!!! I'm so fed up. Why can't S be different so that just the two of us can go out. He's making me feel crap and its making me unhappy. I am not living my life like this. I have the right to be happy and do what I want to do. He will have to learn to be more confident somehow cos this is doing my head in.

Other "news": I've been building my elastic band ball for most of this morning. S and J have been giving me a load of elastic bands so it is quite big now! What talents I have! Have done the Friday 5's on ivillage today cos I got asked to ;-) and some people have actually written back so feel pretty chuffed about that! It's another grey day but I don't mind too much. It was hot and sunny yesterday. The hottest Oct on record! Really bizzare it was getting dark but still sunny! Am pretty bored now. Not much to do again ;-( Thank goodness its the weekend though. I'm going to make myself have a good one-no matter what. 6 hours to go...and counting! Jxx

Ho Hum

Another uninteresting day. We didn't go to get any jumpers last night cos we didn't go to Matalan cos S was too tired. We just went home and fell asleep instead. This meant we woke up late evening groggy and too hot and hence found it difficult to sleep last night. The result? Even more tired today! You just can't win!

Bit fed up and bored today not got much to report. Got to go to Longhorn hardware shop at dinner so S can get parts for this massive saw he's bought from work cheap, as its broken. Something else new he's started now. Nothing else is happening. I'm trying hard to be nicer and more understanding but I'm still feeling pretty fed up. I know I need to be nicer to him as none of this is his fault but I feel so stuck and bored in my everyday life. I just want to escape and do something interesting or fun. We need to have a talk really cos the way I am being with him is making him think I don't like him any more which isn't the case at all. I just want us to think about how we can make ourselves happier instead of just collapsing onto the sofa when we get in and watching crap tv. We haven't had time to talk properly for ages with the decorating and everything else thats been going on. All we do is work and sleep, work and sleep...Will definitely try to make time tonight to do something nice and have a chat.

Coming out in spots again which is not what I need. I'm going to have sometime to myself tonight as well I think. To have a bath and put fake tan on and stuff till I feel presentable again. I feel pretty rubbish at the moment. I've got an absolute banging headache now I just want to go home. I can't be arsed here anymore. Its been a crap day today by all accounts. Please-I just want to go home!We've also got to make a decision on the weekend plans....Wonder what we'll end up doing? What a stupid question. As if we'll end up doing anything-haha not. Jxx

Another day another dollar

Well its Wednesday so we're halfway through another week. I can't believe how fast the evenings go. Time seems to be flying by in a sense as I still never seem to have any time to get things done. Went to Asda last night and got the shopping-it wasn't too bad. Sometimes we seem to get loads for our money and other times its awful. Its really bizzare. We've managed to get some quite tasty stuff for evening meals which is the thing we always fall down on. I hate shopping but I love it when the fridge is full and we have lots of food instead of scratting around with left overs!

Have seen some really nice (and cheap) jumpers in the Matalan catalogue so we are meant to be going tonight to hopefully get one (or two!) as we are both pretty needy in that department! Wahoo! Its ages since we've bought any clothes. I can't even remember the last time we got something. Big awww-we're just so hard done by!

Still don't have any clue what we are doing this weekend. No one seems to want to do anything and I don't see how we are going to go on our own. S wants to drink so he doesn't want to drive anywhere which is fair enough but restricts us even more. I don't want him to drive really anyway as he's even more quiet when sober. I just don't see the point in going to Lancaster really cos where is there to go? And we end up spending a fortune on drinks-more than if we even went somewhere good. Its ridiculous-I feel so frustrated! I just want to be able to go out and have a good time like I used to. Why is that so impossible? I feel like my confidence is slowly being eroded away but I don't know what I can do about it. I want to make S more confident but I don't know how. He always acts like he doesn't care but then if he doesn't why is he bothered and acts funny when just the two of us go out?

Maybe it is my fault and I'm expecting too much from him. I do go on at him sometimes telling him off for what he eats and when he doesn't make the effort . I certainly don't mean to make him feel bad cos I do love him to bits and I think he is gorgeous. I know we have been decorating so everything has been messy and we've been wearing old clothes and being scruffy but we have had the weekends to do stuff. I can't be bothered and I don't care how I look on some days but I do try to make time to look after myself because it always makes me feel better. If I even mention it to him he says he doesn't care how he looks which makes me annoyed because its like he doesn't think I'm worth making the effort for. I know things are different when you first meet but he was always putting on smart clothes and looking good and taking me out and stuff and making an effort. He seemed to be more confident in himself too like when we used to go for drinks etc-he wasn't embarrassed by me or to be with me.

Maybe it is me always going on at him that has made him feel different and less sure of himself I suppose I have put him down abit on occasions but the "don't care" attitude winds me up because I care about it. I'm questioning everything and feeling on edge when I never used to. I was always just doing things on impulse. Its affecting both of us and we are going to end up feeling resentful because its affecting everything we do. I suppose we need to go back to the beginning and get out of this rut but he doesn't talk (or think about things) the way I do. He just thinks thats "how he is" and thats that. I want to make him feel better and then I will feel better and then hopefully things will change and we will do more. It sounds so shallow but its changing the way I feel about myself and him which I don't want to happen. I love him so much I just want us to be happy. Jxx

So confused ;-( Ahhhhhhhhh!

Am so confused today. Have been having a talk with J about my interview and jobs in general and what I want to do and now I'm even less sure that I want to leave. She said that they feel that I'm worth every penny they pay me and they didn't just create the job for me so I don't need to feel guilty. They want to pay me more and have me take over the company and have keys etc so that they can go away and I can be in charge. I mean I do really like being here and it sounds great on paper if I would be running the business. They have said I'm going to get a pay rise anyway and that she doesn't think they pay me that much to begin with. I'm so confused. I don't want to leave and then hate it I like coming to work here I just didn't feel that there were that many prospects here but now it seems like there might be? I can do this and get paid ok and not be stressed or have to do too much or I can change jobs and be busy all the time and maybe not like it and be stressed out?

I just don't know. I know I haven't even been offered another job and I prob won't get this one so I don't need to be worrying about it but I just don't know what I'm doing with my life and where to go next. I don't want to feel pushed to get another job just cos family don't think this job is "good enough". But then sometimes I get SO bored here cos there isn't enough to do but that should change when we get the website going etc or if I was here on my own and in charge? I just want my life to be easy and happy! I thought I wanted another job but now I really don't know. I suppose I'll have to just wait and see what happens. Ahhhhhhhhhh! You think you want something and then everything changes and now I don't know what to do.

Got to go to Asda tonight ;-( not looking forward to that. Also the stupid kitchen floor is a right state. Full of rubble much worse than we thought and will have to be fully re-concreted. Great just great. Who ever did things to our house before us did not know how to do things properly or what a right angle is. Its THROWING it down and its so dark and windy. Winters definitely here. Its quite cosy in the office though. Halloween at the weekend and the clocks go back so will get dark even earlier.

We were actually meant to be going out this weekend cos we are all organized for a change and had asked D&P if they wanted to go but they can't cos they are "skint" apparantly and F&A are busy already so we probably won't end up doing anything cos we "can't" go out on our own. I really wanted to go to the sidewalks fancy dress party. I wanted to dress up! I wish I had someone who'd dress up with me. My sister would but its not like I can see her and I don't have anyone else. S is embarassed of me enough as it is. I feel like I'm loosing all my confidence, a few years ago I never would have hesitated to go out all dressed up and stuff but now its completely different. But I don't know what I can do its not like I can produce some new friends who make me (&S) feel better about ourselves is it? I feel like a horrible mess again. Still fat, not even brown any more I never have time to do my hair properly or wear nice clothes. I feel like such a grumpy scrag. All I do is work and sleep.Jxx

Monday again already

Its Monday again the weeks come round so quickly. Am tired today as Minky woke us up in the night on his wheel and then drinking his water. He's in our room cos of the decorating and I never realised how noisy he is!

Decorating is FINISHED! (Well practically) It looks great, really really good. Am so pleased with it. S has done a great job. Its so good to have a nice room to sit in (even though the rest of the house is a mess!) Only thing is now he wants to continue the laminate into the kitchen cos it needs doing anyway and it makes sense to do it at the same time. So tonight we are defrosting the freezer and then trying to get some floor down. Great fun. The only problem is that under the stairs there is a load of uneven concrete (god knows why) so that will have to be broken up some how first.

Weekend news: Didn't do anything on Fri-had a few drinks and continued the decorating. S had to go into work at last minute so it was a good job we didn't do much. Sat we went to J&B's for lunch and went to B&Q to get some more bits. Sat night we ran some errands and then had L and his friend to stay. F&A popped round to see us too which was a nice surprise. Had an ok night considering. We went to Blackpool on Sun with F&A which made a change. It was nice to spend some time with them both and to get to know A abit better. We had some tea and a wander about. F has moved in with him now as her and Ka were having a few problems and would have had to give their flat up anyway. They seem really happy together so thats good ;-) its about time F found someone nice! And his flats lovely!

Bad news-I fell off my diet yesterday for the first time really. Am really cross with myself. We went to deep pan pizza in blackpool cos thats all that was open and quiet (it was a right rip off) but I had garlic bread and a pizza and doughnuts. I felt awful after I'd eaten it I wish I'd been stronger. I think if it had just been me and S then I would have had something different but cos the others were there I felt like they were thinking I was being stupid and fussy for not wanting to eat there so I just had the same as everyone else (I was starving though) I still wish I hadn't I am not going to give up. I want to be really good from now on. It is my first (and only) mistake and I know its not the end of the world but I still feel mad at myself. I should have been stronger. Feel annoyed just thinking about it. I'm just tired today I can't be bothered doing anything ;-( Jxx

Yes, Oh yes oh yes!

I DO have an interview! Is it true? Mmmm Hmmm! Wahoo! On the 1st of November! I'm nervous now but theres chance (however small) that I might get it and a good opportunity to practice interview techniques even if they don't want me. I'm really pleased about it ;-) and its a job I'd really like. Somebody might want me!

Also the decorating is................almost done!!! S got most of the floor down last night, just got to finish that and do the wood etc and its done! It looks GREAT. Loads better than it was-not hard though. Can't wait to get all the finishing touches in and get it like a home again. Only problem is we can't find some of the receipts which we need for the landlord but I don't think its us who's lost them so hopefully J&B will have them.

Not much other news really. Can't be bothered doing much work but I think thats just the Friday feeling. I'm just drinking loads os cups of tea! That horrible woman is still ringing up but J said not to answer the phone to her and D is meant to be going round today to fix her boiler so that should deal with her. Even though I don't see why we should there was no call for her attitude.

Don't know what we're doing tonight besides finishing off the room. Not much prob. No one seems to be able to get anything organized although I have tried and I think P will be trying as they never did anything last week so she'll be bored too. I'm just not thinking about it and we'll just have to wait and see if anything else goes right for a change!

God its THROWING it down! Grey and rainy today. I don't mind though it makes me feel better about staying at home! Raining all day but I feel quite sunny for a change! Jxx

Down to earth again

Some woman phoned up this morning and kicked off becuase I said we couldn't get to her til Monday and she tried to make out we'd been to her last week so we had to go back when it was actually 3 weeks ago and other people are in much more desperate need. Now she keeps ringing back and I don't want to answer the phone. J has gone out I wish she'd come back so I'm not alone. Its really upset me for some reason. I don't want to speak to her. She was really rude and I don't know what I can say to her. I don't know if someone can go tomorrow and to be honest I don't see why we should. There was no need for her behaviour and I don't know why but its really unsettled me. Jxx

My one good thing is here......? PLEASE PLEASE

Well I think one good thing has happened-I've got an INTERVIEW at the college!! Atleast I think I have. I mean they had left me a message on the answerphone at home saying I was "shortlisted" for an interview but I don't know if that means I have definitely got one or if I have to wait to see if I've got one. I stupidly deleted the message instead of listening to it again. But they said they are sending me some info out in the post so I will see if I've actually got one or not tonight....I really hope I have as I've told everyone I have now and I'll be gutted if I'm just a reserve. I wish I could remember! I don't want to talk about it too much yet just in case I curse it so got to wait and see......

PLEASE PLEASE want me! I would really like the job I just hope it isn't too hard and I haven't blagged too much on the form. I don't think I have at all but....I would just like the chance to give it a go. I don't know what shortlisted means though I wish I'd listened better I was just excited and S was playing it on speaker phone and I pressed delete automatically. I really want to rush home right now and see if theres any post for me. That one other time I applied for something at the uni I got a letter saying I was shortlisted but they'd send me another letter if they wanted me to come for an interview (which they never did, obv) but they never rang me to tell me I was shortlisted so thats hopeful surely? AHHHH I need to know now!!! I really hope I'm not disapointed. I've booked the afternoon off work and everything. I'm rambling I know but I'm excited!

Other GOOD news: Decorating is almost finished! A few more touch ups needed but we are meant to be getting the floor tonight so we can get that down and wahey! ;-) We don't think the mould is coming through, we think its just where the paint has gone on a slightly different colour. The wall definitely isn't damp so thats a big relief. I can't wait till its done it will be so good to have the front room back and looking nice. Can't wait I just want to go home now and get on with it!! Jxx

PS. And the sun is shining! Oh what a difference a day makes!!!

AAAHH ?@~#><$%*^

Am so cross today. Came down this morning and it looks like the mould has started to come through abit we have just painted. I don't see how it can have done though as we covered that bit with anti-mould paint and then papered and painted over the top and the wall wasn't even damp when we papered so how can it have come through in 2 days? S said it has but when I felt it I couldn't really tell. I just don't see how its possible but it looks as though it has when you look at the wall cos theres a different coloured patch. But there isn't anywhere for it to come through its 3 feet up the wall and there aren't any cracks outside or anything. We're going to have to repaint it with mould paint and then paint over it again or something. I don't know I just don't see how its possible. The old paper wasn't even coming off there so how can the new paper be? I really want to go home and have a proper look at it and get it sorted but I can't (obv) cos I'm at work.

Just as we are finally getting there-almost finished painting etc then this happens. The room was looking good last night just a few touch ups etc and now if mould is coming through already then what is the point even carrying on if its all going to come off again? When the room was scratty then it didn't matter so much but we've spent two weeks working every evening to get it to look nice and now it might all be ruined. Why can't it just go right? Whats the point of anti mould paint if it doesn't even stop it? This has really got to me I'm so mad. Of course it might just be S getting it wrong and the sofa might cover it up anyway but I'm sat here all day stressing about it.

GRRRRRRR. I DO NOT NEED THIS.

Other news: F seemed pleased with her presents. Her and A popped in last night to pick them up before they went into town. We didn't go because we were too busy decorating (surprise surprise) but we are meant to maybe be going round for a meal at A's at the weekend (because he used to be a chef) so that will be nice and a chance to get to know him properly.

Jeans feel tight again today. I don't know whether its the tumble drier or just the fat thats causing it. Probably the fat cos its not getting any less. How come everyone else can lose weight on diets but I am still the same and OUT OF PROPORTION? I don't even know how I want to look anymore-thinner round the middle obviously but then my legs look too fat and my chest is too small. I don't like any part of me at the moment-none of me is right.

I'm not sad for a change today, but more angry at everything. Why don't I like me or my life at the moment? Sometimes I don't think I can remember what its like to be happy. I just feel either anger and sadness all the time or else nothing. Its like I can't feel anything nice any more. I don't want to be this way. I know S and everyone is probably so tired of hearing about how I feel and me being snappy all the time which is why I have to go on about it here. Atleast this way I'm not boring anyone. What a terrible girlfriend etc I must be always grumpy, moaning and sad. I am trying not to be I just can't help it and I don't want to pretend. Thats why I need this to just vent my thoughts and feelings to myself.

I WANT to be different. I want to be happy and fun and have my life back. I want to be a good girlfriend, friend, sister, daughter etc. I just don't know how I can feel better. I'm so tired of this. Jxx

Happy Birthday Fi!

Its F's birthday today. She and A are going out tonight into town, we're going to meet her to give her the presents but we won't be staying out cos its a Tuesday (random night) plus we don't have the funds and we have to get up in the morning ;-( Think we might be meant to be going out at the weekend with them but that really depends on the cash and if things don't go wrong AGAIN. I'm not even thinking about it. Nothing ever turns out right.

Decorating update: Painting is almost finished! Looks good except that the two browns are really similar and I don't know if it looks funny. I wanted them to be a bit more distinct but there isn't anything we can do about it now cos I'm not repainting. I've got sores on my hands from using the roller! Just got the porch and some touching up etc to do on that side of things then its onto the floor! Well once we've got a bit more cash that is. I'll be glad when its all finished though-definitely.

Still plodding on with the diet. Don't know how well its working. Definitely less hunger though which is good ;-) I do think it is helping me in that way I guess its just a very slow process. Maybe by Xmas I will be noticeably thinner?! Trouble is I think I am shrinking the clothes in the tumble drier so everything seems to be getting tighter!

Other news: Spoke to E last night but only briefly. She's failed her test again so she was upset about that. I can see there isn't a chance in hell I will ever be able to drive. She drives everywhere and they still won't pass her. She was very close this time so fingers crossed she'll do it next time. Then hopefully she will be able to come and see us which would be good. Everytime I see her something goes wrong or it isn't how I hope it would be. I really want to change that I just don't seem to get the chance very often. I would like us to be able to have a good time like we used to when we go out but it seems like every time I argue with S. It seems like he gets left out and then we have a row and I can't focus on her properly like I'd like to and then its spoilt.

It never used to be like that in the old days when she came to stay. Sometimes I don't think I realised what good nights I used to have until now everything is different. I always used to be able to get things organized and get ready in loads of time and go round all the pubs and then dance all night. Now I haven't done that for years ;-( I suppose that is just life and I have to accept that it won't be like that again. It was just the one thing that was guaranteed every week even though everything else was rubbish and now everything else is good/ok and that has gone. I miss it though. I used to love everything about it and now no matter what we do it doesn't work out and I end up disappointed. I can't ever organize anything in advance because we never know if we can get anything till right last minute so theres no point in getting ready because then we might not be able to go anyway. No one ever comes out and there isn't even anywhere good to go locally so then S has to drive and that means he's even less confident so there is even less point going. The last good night I had was when we went to the Devere and went to heaven and hell with F cos we had a proper dance and it was organized and it was a proper "night out" or when we went out for my graduation to the sidewalk with D&P that was good too.

Its making me feel unhappy in myself. I never get dressed up anymore and I don't have anything to look forward to. I feel less confident with myself. I used to love putting nice clothes on and feeling that I looked good and just the whole process and everything about going out. Now I never feel that anymore. Jxx

Just another manic Monday

Well its Monday again. Not much has changed. Oh and my wisdom tooth is coming through and is sore ;-( Went into town yesterday and got F's present and card. Just got to make her cd tonight ready for tomorrow. Met F in town yesterday afternoon and had a few drinks then S came down to meet us. Met this really bizzare man in the lounge who said he was a really famous illusionist (he looked like a scouse doorman/ex con!) and he was performing tricks for us. He was really good but it was all abit odd and freaky. Apparantly he is on in Carnforth this weekend and will have a review in the paper so I'll keep my eyes open for that to see if he was blagging or not!

Got two walls painted in the front room! It looks really good its finally starting to take shape so am pleased about that. Might even have finished painting by the end of the week which would be brilliant ;-) thats something to smile about!

I think I am just going to have to stop thinking about jobs. I mean I can't help it that I can't get a different job. I've tried and no one wants me besides I like it here. I don't dread going to work, I'm not stressed out. I've got the best boss you could ask for and the money isn't bad really. Maybe I'm not really using my degree but then am I trying to get a different job just to please my family? I've always got this degree it can't be taken away so I don't have to get a different job straight away do I? I feel like they are pressuring me abit to find this brilliant job but I have been trying and its only upseting me so maybe I should just put it on the back burner for a while? I don't know. I just know I can't go one worrying about everything. Yes we do need more money but being happy is important too and I am happy in this job-I just wish I was busy all the time but maybe that will change?

Its all getting me down so much its starting to make me feel numb inside. I feel upset but I can't seem to show it. Yesterday was the first time I'd cried abit. I feel like I could cry forever inside but somehow I can't? Everythings draining me so much I can't feel anything anymore. The numbness is worse than feeling sad it makes me feel like I'm not even here. Then I feel guilty. It all seems so petty and fussy. I could be so much worse off. Atleast I've got a job. I'm not stuck at woolworths, I have a home and a great boyfriend and friends and family. It makes me seem so selfish. So why do I feel like this?

Its not having anything to look forward to that makes me the most sad. I worked out that it will take atleast 2.5 years to save up a deposit for a house and even longer to save for a wedding or children. Basically we have to live like this scrimping and saving with nothing to look forward to for at least 2.5 years....Wouldn't anyone find that depressing? Other people don't think about it or else they fall on their feet and don't need to worry about it. We can't go out and party like theres no tomorrow because we want a good future and we aren't given it on a plate so we have to struggle for it. We can't be young and carefree but we can't be older and get on with life. We are stuck in a time warp just waiting and trying to save so that we can get onto the next stage. It feels like we are wasting our youth but if we aren't like this then we will never have a house etc.

I know I'm going on and on but thats how I feel and who else can I say this to? I'm going round and round in circles. I don't even look forward to the weekend anymore whats the point? Nothing ever goes to plan. I WISH I could shake this off and feel happy again. But I don't know what would make me happy. Its the numbness thats driving me mad. I don't feel anything anymore just emptiness. Whats the point of life when this is all it is??? Jxx

Saturday night nothing to do, No where to go-feeling blue....

Well after a good night last night its all gone downhill. Had to wait in all day for the sky man. He couldn't ring us to tell us what time he was coming because the stupid people hadn't given him the right number even though I phoned them specifically about it and they said they'd changed it. He didn't come til after 3 so we were just waiting in doing nothing. I couldn't get to the bank because it was too late and I needed to get F's birthday present and card for Tuesday so now we'll have to try and fit it in tomorrow somehow. I don't know how though.

We aren't doing anything tonight as we can't get anything sorted and therefore we aren't going out. It isn't anyones fault its just the way things happen I suppose. Its just that last night we were meant to be all sorted and we were looking forward to doing something and its all fallen apart today. I know its not the end of the world or anything but I was really hoping we were going to be able to go out. I can't really write anymore it sounds so petty but I feel really sad. Another week of emptiness looms. What am I doing with myself? and why do I feel so low? Jxx

Friday night-Update

Well its fri night and in a desperate attempt to avoid boredom (as usual) we have been to D&P's and got wrecked. We had quite a good time ;-) Played pop-a-hop!! (Frustration in a different form!) Might be going out tomorrow so will let you know! At home now-still having a nice time. Why do drugs make everything seem better? Jxx

Can't be bothered anymore ;-( ;-(

Am still fed up and down. Had a row with S this morning over the wall paper! He wants to take abit off and do it again cos there are a few creases in it. It looks fine to me I just don't see the point in wasting more time messing about taking it off and suppose he can't get it to go on any better? Its only cos the walls are so bad no one would be able to do a perfect job on it. It looks great what he's done so far. He's really got on so now I don't want to waste another weekend faffing about with things that aren't that important. I want to get this decorating done so we can have our room(s) back. So much for my hopes of him suggesting something good to do this weekend.

Other news: Stupid Natwest have put my student account into debt administration cos I haven't used it since April even though I spoke to someone on the telephone about changing it to a graduate account in July. I've had to pay £30 up front just for them to swap it back. And they were really unhelpful. Not impressed with them at all. Got to go into the bank on Sat to try and sort it out. Sky man's coming on Sat too so we will have sky! Probably will be the highlight of the weekend.

I know I should be more positive and happy and then maybe good things would happen. I'm just so ###### off with everything at present. Its like all the little things are getting to me. I'm snappy for no reason and I'm even annoying myself! I don't want to be like this but I can't seem to be nice. I just want to get on with S properly again and not be so grumpy! I will just have to try harder I know. I used to be so pleased it was the weekend and now I can't seem to get excited about anything. Grrrrrrrrr! Whats wrong with me?! At least it isn't raining-thats one good thing.

Not really got too much else to say its been a decidedly boring week and I don't want to go on and on and on anymore.... Might write some more tonight if anything interesting happens! But don't hold your breath. God I am SO bored-THERE IS NOTHING TO DO!!!! Help me somebody please ;-( Jxx

Down ;-(

Am feeling down today. Am tired even though we went to bed (and to sleep) at ten pm. Went for the meal last night-food was nice as always. Had the calzone...but only ate the filling and didn't even use the bread to soak up the sauce. The others had starters but I didn't so I was quite pleased with myself. Wasn't hungry again by the time it came it was odd. Maybe I am getting less hungry? Still not getting thinner though. They were on about diets at work this morning and how they could loose half a stone in a few weeks. I can't even loose a few pounds in 6 weeks. I'm beginning to feel desperate. I want to really look different not just "abit better" but really obviously different. I don't see how I ever will unless I completely starve myself which I'm not going to do (couldn't if I tried) I know I need to exercise more but I can't find anything I like doing and we're so busy at the moment (excuses I know.)

Don't know why I didn't enjoy last night so much. J ended up paying which was good of her but not what was suposed to happen. I felt bad cos it looked like we'd all taken advantage of her again. Felt abit anoyed at the others for letting her. D&P even got petrol money off her to drive there! I mean she did give us a lift but it still seemed not right esp on her birthday. She never seems bothered though-she'd do anything for her sons. I just didn't feel right last night. I don't know why. I almost felt paranoid and weird like I couldn't join in the conversation. I can't explain it. Maybe it was cos I drank 2 glasses of wine or cos it was only Weds and I knew I had work for another 2 days. Whatever it was I couldn't really relax.

Slept badly last night. Went straight to sleep as soon as we got in because we'd had a drink. But then woke up in the night dehydrated, uncomfortable and dopey. That always happens if I fall asleep after drinking-even though I'd only had 2 glasses! Was having weird dreams as well. Dreamt we had a crab and it was trying to attack Minky and I couldn't stop it and save him. It wasn't nice. Maybe thats a sign we shoudn't get a cat incase something happens to Minky? I don't know. I would never want to risk Minx.

S has got some wallpaper onto the centre wall! It looks great. It will be good when its done definitely. I supose we are getting there slowly. Its all the little jobs that keep coming up. Got to go to S's mums this weekend apparantly so we can get Rossi settled in for the winter and I am cleaning the car out! (yeah right) Can see it will be another great weekend-not. It seems to only ever be me thats bothered about what we do (or don't do). S never minds-never suggests anything except stuff that has to be done like going to B&Q or whatever.

I just want to have some fun or do something special. I try suggesting stuff but half the time he only does it because I wanted to and where's the fun in that? It isn't the same. Maybe I am being ungrateful? He's not a mind reader I know but one of the reasons I liked him so much was that he was always suggesting things and was a fun person to be around. Now he's either silly or he can't think of anything and isn't bothered what we do so its always up to me to be full of ideas. Wow I sound really mean. I love him to bits don't get me wrong. I think I'm just feeling bored and sad-everything is getting to me at the moment. Esp stupid stuff.

I would just like to have a nice weekend where we have a really good time together. I keep hoping something will change and he'll suggest something or surprise me by saying "I would really like to...." I suppose I'll just have to wait and see this what happens this weekend. But then I get my hopes up and its worse when nothing happens or we decide to do something late on and then we can't get organised and things go wrong cos we've left it to late. I just want to be organized and know what we are doing and have something planned so I can look forward to it and its EASY with NO stress cos we aren't dashing around at the last minute. Its just not having anything to look forward to I think that makes me sad. I know I'm just moaning on but then this is my site so I can moan if I want to! It's not like I can say it in real life anyway so I'm just venting to myself.... Jxx

Halfway there day

Its Wednesday so we're halfway through the week (nearly) weathers not any better I think rain is par for the course for now on. Am really cold at work. Got the heating on (supposedly) but its not making much difference. K has just made me a brew though which is nice and is warming my hands up.

Decorating is moving on better even though we only had a few hours last night. We are almost at the wall papering stage! Excitement! Asda was ok last night-surprisingly quiet and Wickes was too so was much better than I thought. It was weird though I wasn't even hungry for my tea when I got home even though it was seven pm and I hadn't eaten anything I shouldn't all day. Weird but good. Lets hope it continues.

Going to The Horns tonight for J's birthday so looking forward to that. Will be nice to go home and get ready to go some where and make an effort for a change. Have been wearing paint stained jog pants every evening for the last week so not been looking my best. Hard to know what to wear though with this rain. I realised yesterday I have only 4 jumpers and 3 are horrifically bobbley (is that a word?!) and the other one which I'm wearing today has marks on it that won't come out. I do not have one single nice jumper!!!! Help me please! I really want to buy atleast one new one but funds will not allow ;-( S could do with one as well to be fair.

Have realised reading back through my posts that I stress about the same things over and over. I am trying not to repeat myself but that is just how I feel! I keep thinking it is Thursday today I am disappointed when I remember that its not. We have done the lottery for tonight so this time tomorrow we could all be millionaires haha. It's not just about the money though I'd rather be happy and not have so much than rich and sad. It's just having enough to manage on, thats all really. To not always be thinking "we can't do that, we can't afford this..." etc

No word on any of the jobs-I clearly am not employment material. Feel abit sad about that. I had really tried this time. I spent ages on my applications and I thought that I had fulfilled all the criteria. I'd been honest and given examples, to just get even one interview would have been nice. I don't even know if I want to leave yet (I do and I don't) but to know that I couldn't get a job even if I wanted to-thats worrying.

Other news: The man hasn't been in about the staff puppies. I'm glad as I don't want to have to say no to him but we would have had to. Still thinking about an animal though. Been thinking about a kitten... I know its crazy but we could get one from animal care rescue and it helps them and it would just be nice to have a little "baby" to look after. All S's family love cats and I know he'd like it. I shouldn't even be thinking it really. I'd love to have Rossi home but shes so destructive and she couldn't manage in the house plus she's much happier with S's mum and dad. She needs her injections though and we must get that done first before I even think about anything else. I suppose we can't really get one-I'm just daydreaming away...

We have got to do something good this weekend or else I will go crazy! I have no idea what but its the only thing I'm looking forward to at the moment. Even if we just go to D&P's and its good again? But I'd really like to go out-even if its just to the lounge. Maybe we could get D&P to come-that would be good? I think they will be way to skint though. They are having to swap their car for a different one to save on cash so...I guess everyone is stuck at the moment. Will have a think and try and blag S to do something good. I think we need to have a good time together with no stress and me being nice to him. He puts up with me being a pain alot of the time. It would be nice to do something special. Anyway back to work then still feeling pretty fed up. Will let you know if I resist the calzone tonight! Jxx

Rain, rain go away...

Another rainy and grey day in Lancaster. Its really dark outside you'd think it was the evening. Its the kind of day you want to be snuggled up on the sofa at home with a brew and a mince pie (another thing I can't eat but really love) watching old films. Well I'm: stuck at work, we don't have any furniture in the front room at home (or any wall paper or floor for that matter) so snuggling would be out of the question, I can't eat mince pies and there prob wouldn't be any good films on anyway! So that's that idea ruined! Saying that I watched dirty dancing the other night forgot what a good film that is-esp the soundtrack. S was not impressed (men) but I'm going to listen to my soundtrack next time I'm going out (haha like that will ever happen) its kind of "get you in the mood for Brooks" cheesiness.

F and A went to Brooks on Sat they tried to ring us to get us to go but we were away. Its a pity I bet we would have had a good laugh. Rang F last night briefly. Its hard to chat these days as they don't have a landline and calls to mobiles are hardly cheap. Going to see her on sun though and go for the usual drink and chat which will be nice as neither of us have half as much time to see each other/talk as we used to.

I don't know where my time goes-its either dragging (in work) or rushing by (evening and weekend) I still feel as though I'm wishing it all away. I just want be "normal" like everyone else who doesn't seem to think about things half as much as me-except maybe my sister but then that could be genetic?! Now I've finished uni I seem to be at a cross roads. I don't know where I should be going with my life whereas before I had the next three years taken care of and the future was way off. Obviously we are aiming for a house but it seems so vague and far away and hard to reach. I don't know what to do next with my life and how to make it how I want it to be. I always thought I'd be glad when I'd finished uni and I could get on with "real life" but now I'm here I feel more confused and unsure than before. Real life is probably harder and more tiring than uni was (except the exams) the only benefit is having more money (sort of) I used to feel like I could be someone when I was at uni. Now I just feel like everyone else-struggling for a better life.

I'm ok, I know I can't complain-millions of people are so much worse off than me. I just still feel like something is missing in my life. I don't even know if a different job would solve that. Sometimes I don't think it would and that I wouldn't be any happier, but I just feel like I have to try. I feel like I have so much debt from uni (mostly my own fault though) that I need to get a "graduate" job to make it all worthwhile or else whats the point? If it wasn't for that then I would have been happy to have gone to uni regardless and just got whatever job that I enjoyed-like this one. I could do with some guidance I just have no idea where from. When you're young you expect to be able to have everything you want from life (within reason) I never realised it would be so hard. I just took it all for granted. Oh well thats life, something will work itself out....Jxx
Ps. Asda tonight and Wickes for wallpaper-does it get any better? SARCASM ;-(
The Horns for tea tomorrow though ;-)

So tired and its Monday...

Really tired today I don't know why I never seem to get enough sleep no matter how much I have. Another weekend over, another week begins...oh yipee

Weekend was ok. Had a nice time with the family. Went out for a meal Sat night and stuck to my diet so was pleased with myself there. Didn't go out or anything but had a few drinks at home and a good chat so was quite nice. Went into town on sun morning with S and E to choose something for his mums birthday. We are all also taking her and B out for a meal on Weds night so that will be good and should break the week up abit. Only thing is we are going to The Horns-my favourite pub in the world and I don't know whether I will be able to resist their Calzone...

At least with not doing much this weekend we havn't spent too much. Got some money back for petrol from my mum so that was good of her. Still we didn't really have anything to spend in the first place! Got F's birthday next week as well so got to get her a present and do something-Oct is turning out to be an expensive month ;-(

This day is going so slow...why do days just drag by? I'm wasting my life wishing the minutes, days and hours away. I've got loads of stupid little jobs to do at home tonight and I just can't be bothered. Got to get back on with the decorating too and we need to go to asda cos there's no food. I can't cope! I want to go back to bed already. I hate Mondays I still feel crap even though I have not been wrecked all weekend and I have actually done useful stuff with my time. It just shows you I feel rubbish whatever I do! I need another holiday already!

Actually what I need right now is a brew but there's no milk. That just about sums my life up at present. Not bad, not great but some little things could make it all the more bearable. Guess I'll have to go to booths and get some then. If only all problems could be solved so easily! Jxx

What a Grey Day....

Well its Saturday and I was awake at 7am cos S was off to work! Suppose thats what happens when you don't get wrecked. Didn't even have one drink last night even though there was wine in the fridge. Painted most of the woodwork and S finished the wires and some plastering. I got covered in white gloss-its horrible it sticks to everything. All looks ok now its dried though.

Last night after I'd finished painting I had to have a little sleep cos I felt really tired for some reason. By the time I woke up and had a shower and S had cleaned up it was after ten so I knew there was no chance of even trying to do anything so I was going to get in bed, but then S said we had to go to D&P's to take some tools back. Couldn't be bothered at all so I stalled for abit and tried to keep him in bed which worked for a awhile, but he said we should cos he'd told them we would so we drove up there for about 11:30. Anyway they were smashed but Sh wasn't there thank god so we sat down and had a chat. P was really nice and thanked us for her b'day presents and was chatting away (cos she was wrecked!) they thought we were coming round to get wrecked so they'd been waiting for us to play games (cos we did that last Fri and it was a really good laugh-like how it used to be) then S said he was thinking about getting wrecked even though it was after midnight cos we wouldn't be doing anything at my mums tomorrow!

I was abit annoyed he'd left it so late but then I though about it and I had wanted to have a proper good night not just get pointlessly wrecked so we only could only have done that if we'd not been decorating so we could have gone to D&P's about 8 or gone into town so I suddenly didn't feel bothered any more. P was trying to blag us to but we decided it was too late and there was no point being up all night if S had work and had to drive tomorrow so in the end we had a brew and went home. Well we went home and then we had to go to Starvin Marvin cos S wanted a burger and so we had to put up with all the drunk idiots in town but we were only there 5 mins so it wasn't too bad. Finally got to bed about half one and went straight to sleep! Was having weird dreams though.

Weather is so grey and dark I've had to put all the lights on or else it still looks like it's night! So far it doesn't feel much like a Sat but I'm really glad I'm not at work. Going out for a meal tonight with the family so that will be nice and will be good to see them. Also got to get 2 birthday presents and 3 cards so not got any spare cash anyway. It's like a vicious circle-we get wrecked at the weekend and then don't do anything Sat and esp Sun cos we are too tired and feel drained. Feel rubbish on Mon and like we've not had time to do anything but then by Fri the weeks been crap and you're fed up of staying in and going to bed early so you get wrecked and then it starts again! What else can you do on a Fri and Sat if you don't do something? I never used to feel so drained though-maybe I'm just getting old? Actually it's probably because I never had to work before so I could always stay in bed and recover if I needed too and I always had loads of time to get things done.

Was talking to S about why we don't go out and dance and he said its cos he doesn't feel that confident to just get up and dance and I think that kind of rubs off on me. Before I knew that no one minded what I did so no one was thinking I looked silly where as now I think I embarrass S almost so I don't feel confident to go and do it. I always used to be the first one on the dancefloor and stayed on it all night long. Now I can sort of sense his discomfort and it makes me uncomfortable too. He doesn't feel comfortable going out just me and him incase anything happens and I kind of feel the same as I worry about him as he can't/won't stand up for himself (or us). Its making me less confident in myself and almost embarrased too but I don't know what we can do about it. Its ok if we go out with D&P or someone but if we waited for that to happen it would be once in a blue moon. I just wish he was more sure of himself and then we could go out and not think about any one else and not stress and have a good time-not always be hiding in corners. Oh well off to sort my stuff out now to take to my mums....Jxx

TFI Fri

Thank god its friday-not that I feel particularly cheerful about it. Not going to have a very exciting weekend I don't think-not really looking forward to anything. Decorating took forever last night-hours to strip one wall we didn't get half as far as we hoped. More decorating tonight what a great thing to do on a Friday night. S has got to work in the morning to cover for someone so he doesn't want to have a drink or anything. Not that I'm meant to be drinking much, well not unecessarily anyway. Too many calories...great. Why are all good things bad for you??

Am STARVING again only got soup for dinner too-wahey not. How fabulous are my eating habits at the moment? Not got much to do this afternoon so will be bored again. Saying that this weeks been better than some. I don't know why some weeks I can keep quite busy and others drag like anything. Things keep interrupting me when I'm trying to write this though! I suppose it serves me right and I should be working.

Think we are getting a payrise in November which is nice but I feel guilty enough as it is. I take money for doing so little sometimes even though in some ways I do alot as in I keep the business running ok. I just don't feel I'm worth what they pay me-not for this job anyway. Thats why I want something new-something busier and more challenging so then I can ask for more money and feel like I deserve it. I just get so bored-I want to be doing a worthwhile important job and to put my degree to use. Otherwise I've gone through all this debt and stress for nothing. I really hope I will find a job but then I feel mean for wanting to leave after all they've done for me. I could never find nicer people than here. I guess it'll just work itself out in the end.

The customer with the staff pupies came in again he sounds like he really wants us to have one. I do want one but I don't know whether I'm too selfish to look after it properly plus we ABSOLUTELY cannot afford it. It's just wishful thinking really I just know if we see one we'll want it even more. And parents would go mental...

Oh well back to work...
Dinner-I've just eaten soup (good girl) and a ham&stilton sandwich(bad girl) ! I was still hungry (and fed up) after having eaten my soup and S and J were munching nice things so I bought a ham and stilton sandwich how terrible! On the positive side I didn't eat the bread-tried one bite and didn't like it so it was only the filling so not toooo bad. Satisfied my cheese craving though ;-) cheese mmmm. The office rat is just scampering around across the desks. Shes got her tail in my yoghurt!

Only 4 hrs to go and counting. Definitely not doing anything tonight except painting the woodwork and plastering S has just told me. Yippe I'm getting excited already. All I want to do is go out and have a dance some where half decent. Is that really so much to ask??? Jxx

Bit better?

Bit better today. Had a successful evening last night stripping off wall paper but the more we take off the more jobs we seem to uncover! Still I know it will be good when its done and atleast we are doing a proper job.

Am absolutely starving already-I'm eating my lunch and its only early. I know I shouldn't but....oh well some times I feel like just giving up this diet but then I feel quite proud to be sticking at it even if its not working so I guess I'll just keep going forever even though I'm not getting any thinner....At least I'm not "quite" so hungry as I used to be....

Weathers horrible-grey and cold. My feet are freezing. It seems like winters coming on fast. I like winter but I just want to get some more suitable clothes (I can't say i need them) Wish we had some money so I could get some though-I'm so used to spending on my credit card to get the clothes I wanted its hard to get used to not buying things. Still debts are finally getting paid off and I've been good for nearly a year-another thing to be proud of.

Not doing much this weekend I don't think-more decorating Fri and then to parents Sat after S has finished work. Would like to go out Sat night at home but don't know if S really wants to. Will have to persuade him! Just fancied a change. Not had a good night out for soooo long esp one where we can both drink but it depends on the cash flow I suppose and whether things are available. Want to go out with F soon as well esp before she starts her new job and I never get to see her anymore ;-(

Definitely feel less stressed today but I still wish something really good would happen. I don't know what just anything! I know it won't though-I have to "make" it happen for myself. Can't complain really it seems so petty. I just still feel like something is missing. I want my life to be "worth" more than this. Jxx

Fed up

I'm FED UP!! Not having a good day (or week for that matter) I guess it's just "one of those". Can't be bothered with anything. Don't want to be at work even though I'm busy-thank god. Hours seem to be dragging by and I don't even wish it was the weekend cos thats not really any better. I don't know where I'm heading at the moment nothing seems to have much point.

Money is non existent as usual even though its a new month and unexpected things need paying for like the rabbits injections etc. Food shopping is lasting us no time and I'm not loosing weight on this GI diet-well except from my chest which was the one part of me I liked! All its making me do is crave things I can't have...pizza, cheese, sausages....mmmm. Plus why is junk food so much cheeper and longer lasting than healthy stuff?! It's not fair!

I just feel like I can't get away from any of it. I'm always tired and I never have time to make myself look nice. My skin is awful at the moment just to annoy me. Home is a bomb site because we are decorating and I can't live in the mess. I keep snapping at S about it but it's not his fault. He just seems to be enjoying himself doing it and I hate it. I can't escape in a single room because they are all dusty and messy. I know it will be nice when its done but I really hope they don't want to sell this house any time soon cos its all we've got. I can't imagine them wanting to but its just more things to worry about. I wish we could buy our own home.

The one good thing I've done this week is apply for some jobs but they're too ambitious and I won't get them. I'm not going to even try and get my hopes up. Not after last time. I feel guilty for applying cos I know I do alot here and they sort of need me. I just need to do something more with my degree than this. I just don't know where I'm going with my life. There must be more point to existing than this? My life seems shallow and not worthwhile. Theres nothing wrong with it as such. I can just see years and years stretching before me where nothing really means very much and we never have enough money and then I die. I suppose I just worry too much I'm fine really I can't complain I just feel so nothingy sometimes.
Jxx